Church audio

On 15 March 2009, Robert Simmons V and an undercover Man in the Pickle Suit visit Chris's church and approach the manchild in the flesh unsuspectingly.

The audio recording of this event lasts 1:47:48. Throughout, Chris's voice is much louder than everyone else's.

Chris says he's keeping his distance from instant messages. He'd rather not talk about who hacked his Yahoo! account. Bob is there, but Chris reveals that Barbara usually stays home.

Chris excuses himself to leave Bob to talk to Robert for a few minutes. Bob talks about jerks on the internet, Chris's condition, and early video games. When Chris comes back, he realizes that it's funny both Bob and Robert have the same name.

Chris talks about Robert's trouble with finding a girlfriend. Chris has made the final decision to talk to local girls instead of ones on the Internet. He's gotten encouragement from Rocky with How to Talk to Girls. He talked to 7 girls just last Thursday at Alderman Library, but got a fake number. Chris was emotionally prepared for the fake number thanks to Seinfeld. Bob mentions the Sonichu Girls club.

Chris rambles on about Family Guy and Stewie quoting the Bible against homosexuality. His copy of the bible with Leviticus is different from the church's because it was a graduation gift from Reverend Shin of the Korean church in Chesterfield County. Bob talks about his time in North Korea.

After asking Robert for a pen, Chris makes his signature and hands it to Robert, saying it could be valuable one day.

They start reciting verses and singing hymns for many minutes. Chris gets to pick a verse for everyone to sing. Bob gets the second pick. Then other people pick. Chris wails over everyone else in some of them.

Afterward, Robert reunites with the other troll. They drive away contemplating on Leviticus, raping Emily and other unrelated nonsense.

Transcript

00:00:00 - Pre-Troll Warmup

Robert Simmons V: It's rolling now, so... (noise and pops) Is it recording still? Yes it is. Oh yeah. Not good. (a few seconds pass) Citizens of the Internet! This is Robert Simmons V, better known as Sonichufan1985, -1986 and now, -1987. I wish you all a good morning! The reason I am talking today on this voice recorder is to talk about about how I'm gonna meet Mr. Christian Chandler, my personal hero. Now, although if you're looking at my old account, Sonichufan1986, you would think that I don't like Mr. Chandler. That's a lie, a slanderous lie.

(unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: Maybe I should just talk normal. You think he wouldn't even fuckin'...

Troll #1: Okay, you heard Julie, right?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah

Troll #1: So you heard that.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah. I'll just talk like he's probably still a threat.

Troll #1: (Does an impersonation of Chris, unintelligible quote) "Window to hell". Did you hear about that quote?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah yeah yeah, there's this retard or something...?

Troll #1: Yeah we were talking about it on IRC and (becomes unintelligible) he-he's kind of a window to hell... and he also said that people in wheelchairs are are mentally retarded. I know. Stephen Hawking?

Robert Simmons V: Doesn't fucking matter. He's fucking retarded. Evil Shenanigans...

Troll #1: He thinks Clyde took Julie hostage that one time.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Troll #1: He's like, "Ok, if you don't do-if you don't say you're gay I will lop off her arm," and he said "Oh, I-I'm a gaybian." Remember that?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, yeah.

Troll #1: (laughs)

Troll #1: (mockingly) I'm gay.

Robert Simmons V: I'm gay.

Troll #1: I'm gay.

(laughter)

Troll #1: I'm a male lesbian.

(unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: I spoke to one of my friends after I called you and he's like, "That sucks." He's like, "Really?" (mocking) "No, not really..."

(laughter)

(random chatter, mostly unintelligible, much dealing with recent happenings with Chris)

Robert Simmons V: Do you know what car he drives?

Troll #1: Uh... probably the Son-chu car?

Robert Simmons V: Do you remember what his parents drive?

Troll #1: Shit, nah... I dunno.

(More chatter, Robert asks about a Pickle Suit)

00:06:27 - A Wild Chris-Chan Appears

(the sounds of people inside the church are heard)

Robert Simmons V: Hi, I'm Robert!

Chris: Robert Simmons the Fifth?

Robert Simmons V: Yes sir.

Chris: Oh my God. Ni-Nice to meet ya.

Robert Simmons V: That's good, that's good. I want to apologize my uh... my um Sonichufan1986 page was hacked by Clyde Cash, so... so I want to apologize for that in case I sent you weird emails or YouTube stuff.

Chris: (chuckles) Well, I understand. Nice to meet you, Bob.

Robert Simmons V: Is it okay if I come to church with you? I'm actually like here for us... you know, for my... vacation.

Chris: Sure, you know. You're welcome.

Robert Simmons V: Oh, Thank you.

Chris: Did you uh talk to Elizabeth our pastor?

Robert Simmons V: Oh, no. Do you know where I can find her?

Chris: Uh yeah, she's in her office if you want to go say hello.

Robert Simmons V: Okay. (walking) Hi! I don't mean to bother, I'm just here to just uh... I'm actually we're here on vacation meeting some people... Is it okay if I come to church though?

Elizabeth: Of course!

Robert Simmons V: Okay, awesome, thank you.

(more walking, random chatter)

Chris: My dad... you know (drowned out by noise)

Robert Simmons V: Is your mom... is coming as well? Or is she feeling sick?

Chris: No... No she usually stays home.

Robert Simmons V: I see. So how's everything with you?

Chris: 'sigh' Things have been going good. Keepin... Keeping my distance from the ah instant messages and whatnot. Kind of... you know. It's been peaceful. Unfortunately the Sonichu site has been... uh... has been down for uh... 'bout a week-r... 'bout a week or two. Since uh... Yeah since my Yahoo account got... got uh hacked into... and all tha-and all that jazz.

Robert Simmons V: Mhm. Do you know who hacked it?

Chris: 'sigh' Yep. But I'd rather-I'd rather not talk about it.

Robert Simmons V: Okay. That's fine.

Chris: So did you hear about uh... did you hear about my recent, uh... internet romance with uh... Julie Movanya?

Robert Simmons V: Let me turn off my cell phone... Um...

00:09:18 - In Walked Bob

Chris: Yeah, me too... Oh, Dad, this is Robert Simmons the Fifth one of my Sonichu fans!

Robert Simmons V: How's it going, Mr. Chandler?

Chris: This is my father, Robert.

Bob Chandler: Let me just go on by ya here... Let me just go on by ya here...

Robert Simmons V: Oh, thank you sir.

Chris: (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: How is everything?

Bob Chandler: I'm good.

Robert Simmons V: That's good.

Chris: I'll let you two chat for a bit I've gotta go (unintelligible)

Bob Chandler: Chris is really into that stuff.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, so... Yeah... I'm sure that, like... I've heard there's, like, a lot of things going on, though.

Bob Chandler: Yeah, he's got enemies all over the world.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah...

Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: Yeah... it's just a lot of jerks online.

Bob Chandler: I'm 81... and I've seen a lot of things in my life, and I've done a lot. But uh, whenever you're successful at something, from my experience, there are people that don't like that and they're out to get you for it.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, people can't, you know, appreciate some success and be happy for them you have to feel jealousy for it though...

Bob Chandler: (laughs) Yeah, they want to knock you down.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Bob Chandler: Yeah, you know he's a high-functioning autistic, but he's come a looong way. I can remember, I was ticked off when he was six, and we were working with him and we didn't know what was wrong with him, and yet he didn't have the diagnosis.

Robert Simmons V: mhm.

Bob Chandler: I have a Commodore 64. If you've ever heard of those...

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, yeah! Um, my-my dad had one of those though, he also had... I think it's called Amiga?

Bob Chandler: That's an actual system. Anyway, I taught him how to do that, and he was loading discs on that Commodore 64 and playing with it before he could talk.

Robert Simmons V: (laughs)

Bob Chandler: And of course after that... they came along with all sorts of video games.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, yeah.

Bob Chandler: (unintelligible) We got one of the first Nintendos... (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, I know how that is.

Bob Chandler: I remember this one, what did they call it? Mario World?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, I've heard of that.

Bob Chandler: That one's I spent 150-200 levels... and and after I got through King Koopa... I couldn't get off of Yoshi's Island... and I'm an engineer... or was. I'm retired now.

Robert Simmons V: Uh huh.

Bob Chandler: And I couldn't remember how to get off of Yoshi's Island... I couldn't remember what was coming next, well he got up to King Koopa in two days.

Chris: (suddenly reappears) Haha, did you get a copy of this week's bulletin?

Bob Chandler: He gets these games and I'm the one who ends up paying for them and he keeps them-

Robert Simmons V: Haha, there's always renting, though. So... you could just go to Blockbuster and rent games for a couple days.

Bob Chandler: I wish he'd do that, it'd save him some money.

Chris: Hmm.

Bob Chandler: Save me some money...

Chris: Father, game's not so easy to beat nowadays... plus they take a lot of effort.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, that is true.

Bob Chandler: You go to school here?

Robert Simmons V: No, um I actually live in Christiansburg, So I'm meeting some-

Bob Chandler: You live in Christiansburg?

Robert Simmons V: Yes sir.

Bob Chandler: That's a long drive.

Robert Simmons V: Yes sir, it is.

Chris: Yeah...

Bob Chandler: That's up there near VPI, right?

Robert Simmons V: Yes sir, Virginia Tech.

Bob Chandler: I was in Roanoke for a lot of years.

Robert Simmons V: Oh really?

Bob Chandler: I worked for GE down there for about 15 years, then got transferred to uh (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: Mhm.

Bob Chandler: (unintelligible) I like the Johnson area, it's beautiful there.

Robert Simmons V: Very pretty. Yeah, I was driving down here this-uh this morning though and I was surprised though. I-I've never really been here (unintelligible) I have a couple of friends here, and... it was really foggy though. Um, I believe that it was 64?

Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)

00:14:26 - The Love Quest Continues

Chris: (interrupts) Oh...Hey, uh father did uh Bob here tell ya that uh... you know it's funny you both are named Robert better yet you could both be called Bob! Yeah, anyway uh... he-uh he's been having trouble finding himself girlfriends too.

Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Chris: Yeah, by the way Bob, by the way Bob, uh for your information, uh... I've actually uh... after I spaced myself from the internets I made the fond decision to go back into uh local areas and start talking to girls, so I go-got some encouragement from Rocky. I also uh, I looked at this little uh, short picture-short uh red picture book by uh... that came from a 9-year old. Called "How to Talk to Girls".

Robert Simmons V: hmm. mhm.

Chris: It's by... Alec... Goldwin? Something like that? Anywa-Anyway it's like ten dollars. It's a good book.

Bob Chandler: You should tell him he's gotta (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: yeah... Isn't there a dating service? That... isn't there? I'm sure there's a dating services around here, right?

Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: yeah, yeah.

Chris: Anyway, I talked to seven girls uh this last Thursday over at uh... Alderman library. So that was-that was a big start for me. I mana-I managed to get a phone number out of one of them but unfortunately it was a fa-Unfortunately it was a bad number. You know...

Robert Simmons V: Maybe, did you...

Chris: The number wasn't-It wasn't a number that was in service.

Robert Simmons V: Oh...

Bob Chandler: (In the background, unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: mhm.

Chris: F-F-Fortunately I was prepared for that... you know. (pause) Anyway I was emotionally prepared for that, you know 'cause I'd seen a similar situation in an episode of Seinfeld... where... it was one where Elaine was giving was giving a fake phone number to most of the guys she met? And it went to this, uh... racing bet booth? And she's try-and at the end of the episode she's trying to... she-wrote the number on the back of her-on the back of a card that she ha-that she's like once punch away from getting a free sub! And she wanted that free sub!

Robert Simmons V: (laughs)

Chris: It's a funny episode... it's a funny episode... you watch Seinfeld?

Robert Simmons V: Um... I used to, though, but, I don't think at least where I'm from they don't really show it anymore though.

Chris: You can find it on the FOX stations or TBS...

Robert Simmons V: oh, okay.

Chris: Yeah, actually you know two back-to-back episodes most every night 7, 7:30 on TBS.

Robert Simmons V: mhm... they also have Family Guy on TBS.

Chris: Yeah, hey. Did you see the latest episode of Family Guy?

Robert Simmons V: Probably not, no... I don't think so, it was-

Chris: It was last Sun-it was last Sunday. They isolated - and injected into Peter - the gay gene.

Robert Simmons V: Oh really?

Chris: It lasted for only two and a half weeks. Durli-d-d-during th-during like the first quarter of the-ah the episode, Peter bought for two dollars... a mentally challenged horse. Brain damaged. It was like-he was li-he always gave him like this blank stare...

Robert Simmons V: uh huh... so what'd he do with the horse?

Chris: (chuckles) He put th-He put the horse in the race and then the horse-

Robert Simmons V: Did it win?

Chris: No.

Robert Simmons V: (Laughs)

Chris: No, but the horse ran into the crowd and uh cause a whole bunch of chaos and then the horse died of a heart attack from the excitement.

Robert Simmons V: ohhh.

Chris: And Peter chucked it into Mort's drug store... Mort's pharmacy.

Robert Simmons V: ahh... hmm.

Chris: And Mort's was like, "Oh, I like the days where they'd just throw... they'd just throw uh poo in a bag and uh...

Bob Chandler: (In the background, unintelligible)

00:18:10 - Seth MacFarlane & The Bible

Chris: Yeah but anyway, later on in- but anyway... Ahh but anyway later on in the same episode, uh Stewie... brings up a quote... from the Bible, That pretty much uh... spells out for-spells out best in a nutshell, which I did a short-

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, I saw that though... Leviticus?

Chris: Yeah, Leviticus 18:22. 'sigh' Right there. "No man will lie with a man as one lies with a woman. It is detestable." And then you can read the, uh... read the uh beforehand about uh... what was said to Moses, yadda yadda yadda, and then in the end what happens to those who... commit any of these uh... rules that are unlawful... in sexual relations includi-including animals. Doing it with animals, that's-that's just... detestable and bogus...

Robert Simmons V: What page is that? 101?

Chris: No no, it's- uh well mine's a different bible from theirs but you're-you're in the right area. Leviticus 18:22.

Robert Simmons V: Alright...

Chris: Yeah, my Bible is uh... different from the church's, uh... from this church's bible. I got mine from our uh... Reverend Shin of the uh... Korean church in Chesterfield County, dad?

Bob Chandler: That's right. It was Presbyterian... I wonder where they come for church... anyway they're mostly Presbyterian...

Chris: Yeah...

Robert Simmons V: mhm.

Chris: Anyway, it was a graduation gift from them.

Robert Simmons V: Oh.

Bob Chandler: (mostly unintelligible, what can be heard mentions spending time in North Korea)

Chris: Yeah, North Korea in the Signal Corps, right dad?

Bob Chandler: Before the Korean war, I was in Korea (the rest of the story becomes unintelligible due to crowd noise)

Chris: I will!

Robert Simmons V: oh okay

Bob Chandler: (assumed he continues his story, unintelligible due to crowd noise)

As Bob continues his story, Chris mumbles something.

Chris: Oh, Chapter One... 18.

Bob continues talking, while Chris mumbles a bit more and does a "hmm" now and again. We hear shuffling through the pocket where the recorder is hidden.

Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: Um...

Bob Chandler: Blacksburg is over... over by there, isn't it?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, they're-they're... Christiansburg and Blacksburg are right next to each other. Um... I had to go to 81 before I could get to 64.

Chris: hmmm

Bob Chandler: Yeah, 81 goes for a while then you make a turn and go north. (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, real foggy too and-

Bob Chandler: You drove down this morning, then?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, fog and-I-I was wondering why they had lights on the road until it's all...

Bob Chandler: Well now you know... Yeah, that's... that's a pretty good drive (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Chris: Hmmm.

Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, it's about two and a half.

Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: (chuckles)

Chris: hmmm.

Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: (laughs)

Chris: hmmm.

Bob Chandler: That's the big blue ridge where we are... we live... we live just north of here in Ruckersville, and off to the west (unintelligible) about seven-eight miles (unintelligible)... you can see it from our front door.

Robert Simmons V: hmm.

Bob Chandler: In fact the western edge of it goes right along the parkway.

Robert Simmons V: oh really?

Chris: Uh Bob, would you-would you like to sign the registration pad?

Robert Simmons V: Sure.

Chris: Ju-Just sign it on this line, and you can optionally put in your phone number and address-

Robert Simmons V: okay.

Chris: -you don't have to.

Robert Simmons V: ...alright

00:23:38 - The Service Begins

Robert Simmons V: here, you can have that back.

Chris: Thanks... oh, just put it back in the pew.

Robert Simmons V: oh, okay.

Chris: There's one in the pew.

(30 seconds later...)

Chris: Hey, lemme see your pen for a second there, Bob.

(30 seconds later...)

Chris: There ya are. You hold onto that, 'cause that could be valuable one day.

Robert Simmons V: ...sure.

(something is mentioned about the piano needing to be fixed, it is turned into a joke about firewood)

Chris: aww

Chris: that's horrible

00:26:19-1:33:00 - Churching Highlights

00:28:37 (Chris is chosen to pick a Hymn)

Chris: Ah... let's do verse one of 733.

(Chris chooses Marching to Zion and sings loudly and off-key)

00:29:50 (Bob picks a Hymn)

Bob Chandler: 95.

Elizabeth: 95?

Bob Chandler: (unintelligible)

Elizabeth: 95... and do you have a favorite verse?

Bob Chandler: The one and only.

Elizabeth: There's only one?

(People in the church chuckle while Chris laughs loudly)

(The Hymn starts and Chris once again sings loudly and off-key)

(A Hymn with a ridiculous page number is called out)

Chris: I'm looking... 2235 B? Oh. Oh, here it is.

(Chris continues to sing the rest of the hymns off-key and loudly)

00:48:15 (Other High Functioning Autistics)

(Elizabeth is talking about a new family in the parish)

Chris: Dawson is their, uh... their autistic son. He's high functioning autistic.

01:33:35 - TTE: TACTICAL TROLL EXTRACTION

Not Elizabeth: Hi, your name's Robert?

Robert Simmons V: Yes.

Not Elizabeth: Very nice to meet you. Very good to have you here today!

Robert Simmons V: Thank you. I like this place, a lot.

Not Elizabeth: Good! Well, hope you come back some day!

(Chris and Robert are talking. It is impossible to understand them due to the organ)

Robert Simmons V: Okay, well you take it easy, okay?

Chris: (unintelligible due to crowd noise)

(much of the rest of the conversation is unintelligible because of the crowd)

Chris: Well, you take care, okay?

Robert Simmons V: Okay.

01:36:04 - "That's that"

Robert Simmons V: You know, it's very odd 'cause... for such a progressive church though, he was reading Leviticus and shit. Well... he got that from Family Guy.

Troll #1: He looks... for any justification he can find. So what did he say to you?

Robert Simmons V: Oh nothing... we were just talking and shit, yeah. He told me... like, he knew I was in Australia or some bullshit?

(both break into laughter)

Robert Simmons V: I got a souvenir too, by the way. By-By the way, I need to turn off the goddamn thing...

Troll #1: Yeah, whatever, I mean...

Robert Simmons V: (commenting on traffic)...I should have gone... oh well.

Troll #1: Fuckin' awesome haha

Robert Simmons V: I met him, I... you know, I have his cell phone number, which I guess, like, everyone already has.

Troll #1: Yeah

Robert Simmons V: So I think I might actually call him on my cellphone. Hopefully like he won't give it away...

Troll #1: Probably not.

Robert Simmons V: I don't know... Pretty badass, huh?

Troll #1: Yeah.

(both break into laughter)

Troll #1: I think he'll recognize me when I steal his girl, when I steal his date.

Robert Simmons V: Ugh... well, maybe you should get makeup or something. Green, green makeup.

Troll #1: I... I don't really give a fuck.

Robert Simmons V: I do! Fuck, man! (laughs)

Troll #1: No no no I don't think he'll connect me and you

Robert Simmons V: Well, okay. Well maybe, you know, that would explain your spying on us, like that would explain the recordings and shit, you know?

Troll #1: Yeah, yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah

(both laugh)

Robert Simmons V: You'd better edit this shit to where I'm not saying "shit", you know it's always like, it's always like, it's always like...

Troll #1: (makes noise)

(both laugh)

Robert Simmons V: Oh, God... I don't want Clyde to have this shit image because he seemed like such a nice guy, dude!

Troll #1: Aww!

Robert Simmons V: Oh yeah, look at this... did you see this?

(It can be assumed Robert is showing the Troll the signature given to him by Chris)

(both laugh)

Troll #1: Oh my God...

Robert Simmons V: Oh yeah, look at this... did you see this?

Troll #1: Well, I wrote down, um... what, uh... which...what things he recommended...

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Troll #1: Marching to Zion, and Bob suggested Praise God from All... From all of our Saints Blood

Robert Simmons V: This just... what's so funny, what's so interesting I find is Bob, you know, the Lumberjack, is bad-ass, though. He's a really pleasant guy, though.

Troll #1: Yeah yeah

Robert Simmons V: Um... the only problem I feel sorry for is he tried to justify like Chris and shit. Like, apparently like back when he was 6 he couldn't even talk.

Troll #1: Yeah?

Robert Simmons V: and uh, you know, 'cause he's fucking autistic

Troll #1: right, right... God has a mute button on him, that's what he says.

Robert Simmons V: ...what?

Troll #1: Chris says that God put the mute button on him.

Robert Simmons V: Oh... well, yeah. Anyways, um... other than being really SHITTY by the way, everybody - It's still all recording - Anyways... hopefully this will provide some entertainment for people, I dunno. But anyways, so um... what the hell am I saying? oh yeah - so um... (laughs) God... DAMN! (laughs) That dude, you know... you know, it seemed like, "What the hell is that guy wearing a fucking Hardees jacket? You know, that guy looks really fucking sketchy as hell!" (troll laughs) And I go, "Mr. Chandler?" And he go-And he didn't know me for a second. "I'm Robert Simmons Fifth", and h-and he knew me, it's like, and he still thinks I'm awesome!

(both laugh)

Robert Simmons V: I'm so happy! you know...

Troll #1: Aw yeah, that's awesome.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah... but he gave me his cell phone number which I've-I have to call him up. I can't wait to show my fucking buddies at Tech, man.

(both laugh)

Troll #1: That's pretty funny, man!

(both laugh)

Robert Simmons V: I don't kn-I would lend it to you if you have a scanner or something like that...

Troll #1: I don't have a scanner.

Robert Simmons V: I'll have to scan it at my, uh... at my fucking campus

Troll #1: Yeah, it's cool, man... fucking awesome. You have a piece of internet history right here

(both laugh)

Robert Simmons V: Oh my God... comin' from the guy who's driving a fucking white truck with the Obama sticker yeahhhhhh... I'm so happy I didn't have to do, (in Robert Simmons YouTube voice) "MR. CHANDLER!", you know? I'm so happy. I guess you can contribute that to being really nervous online or something like that, but... anyways, apparently Robert the Lumberjack, before he was a lumberjack, I should say - He was an engineer, worked for like GE, and he's been like-

Troll #1: Yeah, yeah

Robert Simmons V: So he's pretty badass...

Troll #1: Well well, he k-well, Chris keeps on going on about how Bob invented plastic. That's what he tells people.

Robert Simmons V: Oh shit.

Troll #1: He tells people that Bob invented that. Now what Bob actually did was... he designed the controls for one of th- for one of th-the first plastic molding machines.

Robert Simmons V: Mmhm

Troll #1: Now... I think that probably Bob was probably just some sort of like low-level engineer or some shit like that... Now he's a cool guy, I'm just saying, I don't think-

Robert Simmons V: He's not the plastic maker...

Troll #1: yeah

Robert Simmons V: That's more like, chemistry, I would think.

Troll #1: You could probably take another person, another engineer and replace Bob with him and you'd get the exact same fucking thing.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah...

Troll #1: Now, Bob's a cool guy, Bob's a, Bob's a lovable guy.

Robert Simmons V: He is so... He is so awesome, though. Seriously. I actually, you know, I think people might be pissed when they're hearing this shit, 'cause like... I actually talked more to Bob 'cause he was interesting as fuck, though, and like, you know telling me about like the Commodore 64 and how, you know, before fucking Chris could speak, he was playing video games, though. And how, according to him (Bob voice) "124 levels, tryin' to get to Koopa" And he pulls out Yoshi's Island and I'm like, "Dude, you're talking about fuckin' four different games, dumbass." But, whatever, you know, he's old... I could see me saying that to my grandma, "Yeah, whatever grandma... Japan's awesome. right." So...

(both laugh)

Robert Simmons V: Aww... goddamn. I should really stop this, but oh well. Like, the tape is...

Troll #1: Yeah, whatever...

Robert Simmons V: Anyways, um... so, yeah. Hopefully they'll like hear it all, though. Bob, I can definitely tell it's gonna be really hard to hear 'em. So...

Troll #1: ...an Asian market and (unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, it was surprising...

Troll #1: Yeah?

Robert Simmons V: A lotta weeaboos here in fuckin... UVA shit, man

Troll #1: yeah?

Robert Simmons V: yeah, I would assu-I don't know, I'm sure there's a, you know...

Troll #1: There's weeaboos everywhere. Yeah...

Robert Simmons V: There's a fun-there's these two shops called The Beholder's Eye and Fun & Games, two different shops and they, like pander to the Warhammer crowd and shit?

Troll #1: Yeah?

Robert Simmons V: So... which I'm not like, you know, against per-say, it's too nerdy for me though but I like the story and shit but I'm not gonna pay money for like you know fucking models and shit.

Troll #1: Well, yeah b-

Robert Simmons V: If Centennial's hearing this, like, if she will hear this and shit, yeah, fuck you, Centennial.

Troll #1: (laughs)

Robert Simmons V: Dawn of War's better.

Troll #1: W-well like I'm a huge computer nerd and shit like that, and I would've, there's like so much shit that I want to get into, but I don't have the money and time...

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Troll #1: Like my fucking classes? Fucking raping me.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, I'm also fuckin- I'm a fucktard with computers and shit, though. I'm relatively new. Should have, like... Should've seen me, and I like... I mean I talk to Cameron all the time though 'cause she's the most helpful, like, she's all motherly and shit.

Troll #1: (laughs) Yeah...

Robert Simmons V: So like, (Robert Simmons YouTube voice) "Uh, how do I do thiiiis?" I'm like Chris-Chan, you know, with fucking.

Troll #1: You see, in high school for years... I couldn't drive? And like... my aunt didn't want to take me places?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Troll #1: So all I did in my spare time was program, like, in my room. I just sat there and programmed 24/7. So I'm really fucking good at programming. That's the only thing I'm good at. I didn't play video games 'cause I couldn't play video games so all I did was program.

Robert Simmons V: What time is it, by the way?

Troll #1: It's... 12:23.

Robert Simmons V: Alright. I guess... we can go find PetSmart but I wanna find it online, first.

Troll #1: Yeah, okay.

Robert Simmons V: Yes, we'll go see that bitch.

Troll #1: (laughs) it's gonna be a long time...

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, so... you don't even know what she looks like, right?

Troll #1: Uh, no I don't know what she looks like. She blurred out her face in um... She put signs on his front lawn that said like, "Love, Encyclopedia Dramatica" or some shit like that or Jimmy Hill or something like that. I know it at least said Encyclopedia Dramatica. She put pictures on his lawn and there's just pictures of her standing there looking like a dumbass... and um...

Robert Simmons V: What a dumb bitch. Bottom line: She should be raped.

(both break into laughter)

Robert Simmons V: We're gonna edit that shit out!

Troll #1: But yeah, so um... (unintelligible) I'm just so fucking pumped to just stroll in there and say, "Hey Chris" or my buddy was saying, "Hey buddy, uh, mind if I talk to your sister here real quick?"

Robert Simmons V: No, I don't know... hopefully he'll, like, he'll not... no, he's too stupid to put two and two together. I'm still safe.

Troll #1: Yeah, yeah yeah... and if he started to he'd be like, "BOB, ARE YOU IN LEAGUE WITH THE PICKLE MAN?" and you'd be like, "No,"

Robert Simmons V: No...

Troll #1: "He tricked me!" and he'd be like, "Okay, okay..."

Robert Simmons V: Is this... the place? No? It's not, fuck it. I gotta get some gas anyways. Shit... oh, there it is! That's the thing, it's so far away, it's like..., it's like off the road it's like "Am I... going to the right place?" Hmm. So. I think they're just going to go home then, I don't know. How was that church by the way? 'Cause... fuck!

Troll #1: Boring as hell.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah... I mean, I'm really surprised that the bitch was really progressive...

Troll #1: Yeah.

Robert Simmons V: It's mind boggling that Chris, like the first thing he showed me was Leviticus 18 about the...

Troll #1: Wait... he showed you where?

Robert Simmons V: Well, sitting with him and shit.

Troll #1: Are you serious, he brought up fucking Leviticus? What the fuck? (Chris impression) "MAN WILL NOT LIE WITH ANOTHER MAN!"

Robert Simmons V: Yeah...

Troll #1: Are you fucking kidding me?

Robert Simmons V: No, no... it's in here. so...

Troll #1: Holy... Holy flying fuck. I know he did it in the video. This is in fucking real life? In fucking church?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, it's weird, too, because like, he got sort of from getting from the pastor, who obviously is, you know, very progressive.

Troll #1: She was just talking about how you could like, "Doodily doodily do, laws don't matter, that's okay whatever."

Troll #1: Yeah, exactly.

(both laugh)

Robert Simmons V: "I CAN SAY 'FUCK' 'CAUSE IT'S THA DEVIL!" Yeah, I've heard preachers say, "YOU TELL THAT DEVIL TO GO TO HELL. WHAT? IT'S LEGAL!" so...

Troll #1: Well, we have, um, we have one of those open air... well we have an open preacher who comes to my college every now and then,

Robert Simmons V: mmhm

Troll #1: And one of these days while he's there I wanna just go out and like hand out like pamphlets saying about... how like all of the health benefits of masturbation, right?

Robert Simmons V: Oh yeah.

Troll #1: And I'll be in my pickle suit, walking around like, I'm looking like a complete jackass. Who are they gonna pay attention to? You know, the guy who's telling me to go to hell or the guy who's telling how how good it is to touch your ding dong?

Robert Simmons V: It's still going, an hour forty-seven... here you go. I'm retarded when it comes to electronics. (in the background) ...got his phone number and shit...

Troll #1: Yeah, shit man.

Robert Simmons V: If you've got a green (unintelligible) show it to me, alright?

Troll #1: Yeah.

External links

• Audio on YouTube

• Full church audio

(May God have mercy on your pitiful soul.)