CWC Address to Unilever About AXE

Chris had learned that AXE, the line of men's hygiene products (also known as LYNX by Eurofags and Britfags alike), is popular among gay men. This threatened to shatter his entire worldview, since the marketing campaign for AXE revolves around a crude promise that hot women will be all over anyone slathered in the stuff, and he takes this completely at face value.

Outraged, Chris posted no less than two videos reasserting that he is completely straight and that AXE says right on the label that it is chemically formulated to attract women and only women, although he himself gets confused on this point several times. Chris by now seems to actually realize that it is wrong to simply demand that AXE's parent company, Unilever, ban sale of their products to homosexuals, but he has no problem angrily telling all gay people everywhere "Stay Off Our AXE, you Homos!"

In Part II of the video, Chris reads a letter he had hand-written to Unilever demanding a clearer instructions on the label about the intended medical use of AXE products. The second half was originally removed by YouTube (when it was a separate video) due to a violation, probably because someone complained about its encouragement of homophobic action.

Video

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Transcript of Part 1

Good day, I wish to, uh, make an announcement, uh, upon the side note, uh, aside from my usual work blagh would like to, uh, blagh make a claim, uh, make it obvious of to the creators of, uh, my favorite br- one of my favorite brand of, uh, body spray: AXE. [Presents AXE spray] Apparently it ha- it has come to my attention that, uh, bunch of, uh, people of the, uh, wrong orientation are, uh, using the, uh, AXE brand, ah, by which I mean particularly the, uh, homosexuals.

Eh eweh thusly a stereotype has been, uh, m- has been made if you, uh, if, has been made apparently, uh, has been made apparently ‘you be gay if you wore AXE.’ That’s so stupid it’s not I mean it’s not true I mean I’m straight and I have been using AXE for years. [Presents AXE again] I’m a proud sub- I’m a proud user of AXE ‘cos originally as it was originally intended for and I quote: [Reading label] “Effective deodorant protection designed to seduce the ladies” and then later, uh, when they expanded to, uh, the, uh, shower gel they continued with that in saying, uh, “ah kee- dr- kee- nahh let’s see. Hydrates your skin leavin’ it so pure that she’ll th- that she-ll think she’s the first one to touch it,” and then later again in, uh, shampoo it says here [Reading label] “Get girl approved hair. Wash, attract, repeat.”

Even though, uh, the comments, the, uh, comments, uh, sound, uh, sexist, uh, as I have learned, uh, on, uh, on their page on Wikipedia [gasp] I still feel that, uh, I have been at, uh, I still feel that, uh, is, uh, a big, uh, a big misuse and complete immoral act that the homosexuals take use of our of the AXE brand which is prefer- which is dimensionally and originally oriented towards the straight people. I mean men attract ladies. It means they’re straight. They want to attract the ladies they’re straight. Please, okay, that didn’t come out right but my point is anyway, uh, AXE is more straight is more meant for straight people: straight men who wish to attract the straight, nyell, the ladies.

The straight men who wish to attract the ladies and I have been the proud us- prow user of AXE throughout the many bre- throughout the many, uh, variations, ehmore to come and more out there to [stuttering] out there to market and I’m sure, other than the body spray, the ehshower gel and the shampoo. In any case, AXE was adridgionally meant for, and should remain, only for the straight men who wish to attract the women. It is not meant for a homosexual dude to attract another homosexual dude. Ahem. Ticks me off. It really does.

So I hope that, uh, the aff- that the, uh, Unilever the company that creates the AXE products, uh, see’s this, uh, video on the YouTube and also, uh, would like also, uh, I would like to, uh, well I’d be say-, uh, I’d be sound like, uh, some kind of bad person but I tell it to not sell to the homosexuals but I wa- but it should be more obvious from the package that it meant for straight people. Uhno and also I would like to make the following statement to all homosexuals who dare use it. You homosexuals, stay off of our AXE!

Peace out.

Transcript of Part 2

I wish to, uh, take a moment right now to, uh, read a letter I have just hand-written for the, uh, Unilever company about the, uh, issue at hand with AXE. I read this out loud because I currently cannot find the snail mail address, but when I do I will mail it off directly. But I re--but I read it now for hope that they will at least be able to get the--get the understanding and the gist of my, uh, of my proposition and hopefully do something about it and will not blow me off because of an opinion.

Hmmm. Anyway, to the Unilever company who creates, uh, AXE body spray, shower gel, shampoo, and all of that.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I, Christian Weston Chandler, have been a loyal user of AXE body spray for years now, and I have been enjoying the scent as I look forward to it making me smell better to attract (and keep one of) women to be my sweetheart. I have been sussessful with being enjoyed by my sweetheart--[looks up to camera] My sweetest Ivy. [continues]--who enjoys my pleasant presence and company with her.

I write the letter today, with concern of hearing that the ho-mo-sess-u-al pop-u-la-tion wear the AXE body spray as often as or greater than the straight people. Like myself. For the longest time, AXE has been advertised and meant for STRAIGHT men to attract WOMEN. It was certainly NOT meant to attract...other dudes.

I would like--I would ask to ban sale of--and use of the product from the homos, but that would be retarded. Instead I respectfully and humbly request that on the package a statement li--such as "DESIGNED ONLY FOR STRAIGHT ORIENTED MEN" or something strongly similar. Please make this so, and please do not try to blow me off for having an opinion about the product. Or having an opinion about the homosexuals. Because I do not care much about them.

Sincerely,
Christian Weston Chandler
Proud Straight Male AXE User

Peace.

See also

Axe - The deodorant of choice for Chris and homosexuals.