Paradise By The Seashore Light (Crass and Champ's Thang Undersea)
Chris's version of Meat Loaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light", dedicated to Ivy's pet hermit crabs, Crass and Champ. Unlike his previous work, where he wrote new lyrics, Chris just sings the original song word-for-word, adding the names of the crabs intermittently to identify them as the male and female characters in the song's story, in addition to a few minor references to the sea.
Notable variations from the Meat Loaf version are that Chris omits the entire Phil Rizzuto baseball section of the song, is incapable of singing the faster parts and frequently cannot distinguish between the male and female voices (sound familar?). He also sings in a boring monotone when he realises it's the boy's part, and a screeching falsetto when he realises it's the girl's part.
The Song
Lyrics
(To the tune of Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light)
Crass remembers everything
As if it happpened only yesterday
Parking by the lake at there was another- not another car (coral?) in sight
And I never had a girl
Looking any better than you did
And all the kids at school, they were wishin' theyyy were me that night.
And now our bodies are oh so close and tight
Neverrr felt sooo good neverrr felt so right
And we're glowin' like the metal on the edge of a knife
Glowin' like the metal on the edge of a knife
C'mon. Holdin' tighhhh- tight
C'mon. Hold tight
Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the seashore liiight
[in a creepy falsetto]
Ain't no doubt about it
We were doubly blessed
Cause we were barely seventeen
And we were barely dressed
Ain't no doubt about it
Baby got to go and shout it
Ain't no doubt about it
We were doubly blessed
[boring monotone resumes]
Cause we were barely seventeen
And we were barely dressed
Baby don'cha hear my heart
You got it drowning out the radio
Been waiting so long
For you to come along and have some fun
And I gotta let ya know
No you're never gonna regret it
So open up your eyes I got a big surprise
It'll feel all right
I wanna make your- oh sharks! (?)
And now our bodies are oh so close and tight
It never felt so good, it never felt so right
And we're glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife
Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife
C'mon! Hold tight!
C'mon! Hold on tight!
Though it's cold and lonley in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the seashore light
[mumbles]
You got to do what you can
And let Mother Nature do the rest
Ain't no doubt about it
We were doubly blessed
Cause we were barely seventeen
And we were barely--
We're gonna go all the way tonight
We're gonna go all the way..
[loses track of song and starts mumbling]
..tonight..
..all the way tonight..
[song skips]
[In falsetto again]
Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further!
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my liiife?
Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me ha-ppy the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?
I gotta know right now Crass!
Before we go any further
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
[monotone]
CHAAAMP!
CHAMP!
Let me sleep on it
Champ, Champ let me sleep on it
And I'll derp derp derp (?)
And I'll give you an answer in the morning
Let me sleep on it
Champ, Champ let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I'll give you an answer in the morning
Let me sleep on it
Chaaamp, Champ let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I'll give you an answer in the morniiing
[falsetto]
CRASS!
...know right now!
Do you love a-me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?
I gotta know right now, Crass!
Before we go any further
Do you love me?
Love me forever?
[monotone]
CHAAMP?
Champ?
Ch- [mumbles in his falsetto]
Champ?
Sleep on it
Champ, Champ let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I'll give you an answer in the morning
[falsetto]
I GOT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!
[monotone]
Let me sleep on it!
[alternates between falsetto and monotone]
Will you love me forever?
Let me sleep on it!
Will you love me forever!
Let me sleep on it
AND I'LL GIVE YOU AN ANSWER, CHAMP! CHAMP!
[mumbles in a high-pitched tone to the words]
.. love mee
Love me forever?
...sleep on it
...love me forever?
Let me sleep on it!
Will you love me forever?
Let me sleep- [mumbles]
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my God and on my mother's grave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that then end- I would love you to the end of time!
So now I'm praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don't think that I can really survive
I'll never break a promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I'm praying for the end of time
It's all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you... Champ!
[mumbles in a low tone, then switches to a high tone. Sounds like he's saying "beep beep beep!"]
[falsetto]
..edge of a knife
Glowing like a metal on the edge of a knife (x5)
Glowing like a metal on.. [mumbles]
...edge of a knife
...edge of a knife
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