Sweetheart

A flock of Potential Sweethearts

“	Kacey: Chris, how many times have you been in quote-unquote "love"? Chris: I do not know, I do not- I have not kept count.	”
from Kacey Call 9

A Sweetheart (sometimes heartsweet) is Christian's flavor-of-the-month.

Definition

Chris's goal is to build a sweetheart from the ground-up, lose his virginity, and spawn his God-chosen daughter, Crystal Weston Chandler (named after the illustrious metal and a name similar to his own). Unfortunately for him, the plan hasn't progressed beyond a handful of chaperoned dates, and a trip to a hooker. Thus the sweetheart label finds itself applied generously, indicating a status that lies somewhere between "e-girlfriend" and "stalking victim." Contrast this with Christian's Gal Pals; that is, all of those girls who are still potential sweethearts by virtue of the fact that they are known to Christian and don't appear to hate him.

Qualifications

See Also: Sonichu's News Dash and Attraction Sign

REAL versus FAKE

In the early years of his Love Quest, Christian spelled out his qualifications on his Attraction Sign, in a personal ad that ran for several issues in the News Dash, and on various other items including a cover for his Nintendo DS. Subsequent experiences would show that many of these TRUE and HONEST criteria could be bent a little, as expedient.

• 18 - [insert current age] Years Old
• Boyfriend-Free
• Blonde or Brunette
• White
• Pretty
• Average or Slender Body Type
• 5' or Taller
• No Smoking or Drinking
• Lives in Charlottesville or Ruckersville Area
• Has Own Car
• Average to High Income
• Happy, Positive, Caring

In other exchanges, Christian established a few more rules:

• No Children from Previous Relationships
• No Autism (High-Functioning or Otherwise)

Will Chris ever have a Sweetheart?

Despite an old Trinidadian saying that goes, "Every bread has its cheese" (meaning that there's a special someone waiting for everybody, no matter how badly off they are), many who have dealt with Chris would be quick to reply to this question with a resounding, "No!"

However, in case anybody reading this article is curious as to why not, there are a few basic reasons:

1) Chris refuses to grow up. He is a 30 year old man who plays with children's toys and video games, and still lives with his mother. Adult responsibilities such as gainful employment are almost completely alien concepts to Chris, and any money he does receive is promptly wasted on stupid crap he doesn't need. On top of that, he implies a lot that if he does get married, all he'll do is stay home and watch after the kids (badly) while his wife goes to work. This lack of maturity and inability to stand on his own two feet would be an instant turn-off to any woman.

2) Chris has issues that would damage a relationship. Autistic antics aside, Chris does a lot of things that upset women. For starters, he seems to have no sense of personal space, and several women have found themselves creeped out by his habit of inappropriately touching them. He also lies a lot, which can damage a girl's trust and faith in him. His lack of genuine sympathy towards people have led to a lot of complaints about him saying that he's sorry without truly meaning it. On top of that, he seems to be of the idea that women in a relationship with him will tolerate waiting on him hand and foot while he plays video games all day, and bear his children. No self-respecting woman will ever put up with that nonsense.

3) Chris's Hygiene. Chris doesn't shower regularly (believing that all you need are a few sprays of Axe), routinely shits himself, lives in an untidy house with garbage everywhere. One woman has gone on record by saying he smells like 'rotten watermelons'.

4) Chris is physically unattractive. Though it sounds shallow to say, Chris isn't exactly what you'd call a 'looker.' Even before he started dressing like a Tomgirl (already a deterrent in itself for a certain reason), Chris always had very questionable tastes in fashion, and would often have an unkempt appearance. The fact that he doesn't take good care of himself also hurts his chances of attracting the opposite sex, and has resulted in him becoming overweight. And let's not get started on a certain medallion he always wore back in the day, which only made him look laughably worse. Long story short, if Chris caught up with the latest trends and worked out, his chances with the ladies would improve a bit.

5) Chris is ignorant and averse to change. A sad truth about Autism is that some sufferers are very resistant to change, and Chris is no exception. Chris often believes that, above all else, his way is right, and anybody who tries to tell him otherwise is a dirty troll, especially if it gets in the way of him getting China. This kind of thinking can severely damage a relationship where a well-meaning girl is trying to steer him in the right direction.

Conclusion

Despite having said that girls should go after poorer, less attractive guys because "they will likely have a better personality", Chris doesn't seem to think that the same applies for the opposite gender. He still insists his sweetheart must be physically attractive and well-off enough to financially support him.

See also

• Love Quest
• Sweetheart from the Ground-Up
• Noviophobia
• Infinitely-High Boyfriend Factor
• Boyfriend-Free Girl
• Gal Pal