Chris and video games

Chris tried having sex with a video game once, but it didn't work out all that well.

Chris likes video games. A lot. In fact, Chris may well spend more time on video games than any other activity or pursuit, including his ongoing quest for a woman who will emerge from the internet and have sex with him.

Without diving too deep into the amateur psychiatry pool, it's not hard to see why video games hold so much appeal for Chris. His brain is wired to operate according to absolute values and rigidly-defined processes. That's one reason why he has so much trouble dealing with real life — there, the rules keep changing on him, when he can figure the rules out at all.

In the artificial worlds of Chris's favorite games, the challenges he faces are the kind that his inflexible mind is able to conquer. All he has to do is learn the rules and follow them. Reality isn't so simple, which is why he spends as little time out there as possible.

The early years

Chris has been an avid gamer since a very young age. He had a Nintendo Entertainment System and a Game Boy before he was eight years old and acquired more consoles and games throughout the 1990s. According to the Sonichu Chronicles, he's been a fan of Sonic the Hedgehog since the character's 1991 debut for the Sega Genesis.

His game collection really took off in 1993, when he won his famous shopping spree in the Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes and added $1,000 worth of Sega games and hardware to his hoard.

Chris's game collection

Main article: List of Chris's video games

Although the last completely reliable account of his collection dates back to January 2009, Chris owns, as a conservative estimate, more than 600 different game titles across 19 different platforms. Sony consoles dominate his collection — counting the games he's downloaded by way of the PlayStation Network, nearly half of his games belong to the PlayStation family. Nintendo comes next, including more than 100 games for Nintendo's different portable platforms, and Sega brings up the rear. While he owns every Sega console short of an 8-bit Master System and Sonic the Hedgehog is one of his favorite individual franchises, games for Sega consoles don't make up more than 10-15% of Chris's collection.

Chris's violent hatred of the HEX-BAWX is well-known, but he likely also owns or at one point owned an original Xbox console. His eBay account shows that he tried to sell off a handful of Xbox games in the summer of 2008. The record of his eBay sales also indicates that, in addition to owning at least one of every machine he owns games for, he's gone through at least three or four of Sony's infamously fragile original PlayStation consoles over the years.

It's impossible to gauge exactly how much money (and taxpayer money at that) has been shoveled into the furnace of Chris's game collection. Knowledgeable trolls, however, reckon that his physical collection of games and hardware represents around $20,000. His PSN downloads, meanwhile, can be accurately accounted for — there, the bill is close to $2,500 and surely climbing all the while.

What Chris plays

Going on what evidence is available — what he talks about on his websites and YouTube, what his PlayStation Network profile shows the most effort put into, what he decides to construct elaborate fan-works around — Chris has fairly childish, "casual" tastes in video games. He puts an enthusiast gamer's level of effort and time into gaming, but he does it playing stuff like Sonic, Pokémon, Animal Crossing, Guitar Hero, and other games geared toward a less "hardcore" audience. His favorite racing game, Burnout Paradise, is a straightforward action/arcade-style game. LittleBigPlanet earned a hardcore following with its level editor, but otherwise it's just another side-scrolling platform game (and Chris hardly strains the level editor to the limits of its potential). Much of his PSN trophy case is filled out with achievements racked up playing simple downloadable demoscene productions. Even his beloved Brutal Legend is a simple 3D beat-'em-up at heart, for all it's a 3D beat-'em-up full of foul language and heavy metal music.

The games that Chris owns are not necessarily the games that Chris plays. His PlayStation Network downloads strongly suggest that he spends money on his gaming hobby more or less for the sake of spending it. Witness the $65 he spent on downloadable content for Disgaea 3, a game he had only played to 7% completion several months after originally buying all those downloads.

It's reasonable to assume that Chris has similar spending habits in real life, a theory bolstered somewhat by his retro game collections. Chris's collections of games for the Sega CD, Sega Saturn, and a couple of other now-dead consoles are dominated by bargain-bin trash, extremely common or extremely shitty games that are easily picked up for very low remaindered prices. No knowledgeable gamer would ever pay money for Sewer Shark, except maybe as a gag gift, but Chris apparently thought it was worth owning.

His collection does a good job of telling us what sort of games Chris doesn't play, though. Outside of the Pokémon series and the occasional action-RPG like The Legend of Zelda, for instance, he has almost no evident interest in role-playing games. Most of the non-Pokémon RPGs in his collection, like Suikoden and Final Fantasy VII, are PlayStation retro releases he impulse-bought through the PSN. (Chris buys those up like penny candy — he's even downloaded several digital duplicates of PlayStation games that he already owns physical copies of.) He also owns almost no sports games. In the Mailbag, he once noted that "Sports titles do not really thrill me," although he didn't explain exactly why.

While he sometimes gets tagged with the "weeaboo" label, Chris doesn't appear to prefer games made in Japan over any other part of the world. In fact, his favorite games of 2008-2009, the period where he's told us the most about what he plays, are pretty evenly divided between Japan (Sonic, Pokémon), the United States (Guitar Hero, Brutal Legend) and Europe (Burnout, LittleBigPlanet). He counts a few Japanese Game Boy and Nintendo DS imports in his larger collection, but they're obviously titles he picked up to try and impress/bribe Megan Schroeder — almost all of them are spinoffs from popular anime, especially magical-girl series like Sailor Moon and Pretty Cure.

When Chris and Megan still got along well together, they were serious players of the arcade version of Soul Calibur III. There's also an arcade in Chris's plans for the CWCville Shopping Center. However, given Chris's more recent inclination to retreat into the comfortable confines of his bedroom, chances are he's not much of an arcade-goer anymore.

Chris and online gaming

Perhaps unsurprisingly, given his antisocial nature, Chris isn't much for online multiplayer games in any genre, be they sports sims, shooters, racing games, or whatever else. Though he owns several games for the PS3 and other consoles that would allow him to play online and interact with other people, his PSN profile shows that he's put hardly any time into multiplayer games.

Dedicated observers of Chris's gaming habits may notice a bit of a paradox developing here. Chris hates the Xbox 360 for one reason and one reason only: because Microsoft requires a $50 annual subscription fee for online multiplayer gaming. Why should this wind him up so badly, when he hardly plays any multiplayer games anyhow? Well...that's Chris for you.

Mailbag correspondents have tried to point out the seeming contradiction here, not to mention the weird contrast between Chris's thriftiness as far as Xbox Live is concerned and the massive amounts of money he's wasted on worthless digital trinkets through the PlayStation Network. For all the good it's done, though, they may as well have tried to change his opinion of Asperger's syndrome.

Chris and PC games

Games for personal computers are conspicuously absent from Chris's collection and his evident game-playing habits. The only sign that he's ever even owned any PC games comes from his eBay account, which shows that he tried to auction off a collection of vintage Dungeons & Dragons role-playing games for the PC in the summer of 2008.

Chris the industry insider

Chris gets most of his information about the gaming industry from comparatively mainstream sources. He's an avowed reader of Game Informer magazine, as well as Sony's online magazine Qore, and regularly follows the G4 cable network, but he doesn't seem to spend too much of his time actively following more dedicated gaming websites or message boards. He apparently still takes the Spike TV Video Game Awards seriously, which puts him about five years behind anybody with even a cursory interest in the games business.

Chris the game designer

Main article: Sonichu (game)

At various times, especially during the Miyamoto saga, but going as far back as the late '90s (when he had a prophetic dream of a Sonic game for the Game Boy), Chris has imagined that he could launch himself into a career as a game designer. It's telling, however, that nearly all of his "ideas" for potential video game projects simply involve swapping Sonichu or other Chris-spawned characters into an existing game concept. Pokémon: Lightning Version is a Pokémon RPG with Sonichu in it. Sonichu Adventure is Sonic Adventure with Sonichu in it. John's Custom Gundam: Sisterly Rescue is Gundam: Journey to Jaburo with Megan's quasi-retarded brother in it, and so on.

The closest he's gotten to coming up with something like an original idea is Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles, and we don't actually know what that game is supposed to amount to beyond what Chris drew on the cover. It's entirely possible that Chris doesn't know the answer to that one either.

Chris nevertheless sincerely believes that his characters and game ideas are ready for commercial prime time. He once rejected an e-mail from the Mailbag that brought up the notion of a not-for-profit fan-made Sonichu game, and brushed off similar suggestions in his first IRC fan chat.

See also

• PS3 - Chris's "life upgrade" and current console of choice
• Hex Bawx - More details on Chris's campaign of irrational hatred
• LittleBigPlanet - The game that ate November 2008, Chris's favorite title of the last few years
• List of Chris's games - Marvel at the massive waste of taxpayer dollars
• List of Chris's PSN game downloads - Speaking of taxpayer dollars...

External links

• Chris's PlayStation Network profile