Sonichu Balls

This article is about the seven magic crystal spheres. For information on Sonichu's testicles, see Sonichu 8.

File:Sonichuballs.png

What about them, Darkbind?
Balls are touching.

The Sonichu Balls are the seven big salty balls our heroes desperately yearn for. In the comic, Chris was last seen holding on tightly to a pair of these balls.

In the Official Videobooks Chris begins to refer to them as "Sonichu Crystals", presumably to quell all the balls jokes. Still, the story's still about a group of guys leaving their women behind as they all go out to look for multicolored crystals, so... yeah. He also calls them "Sonichu Ball Crystals" from time to time, making the whole endeavor pointless (and actually more gay).

Introduction

One of the Sonichu Balls was first glimpsed in Sonichu #0, when Chris drew it for no apparent reason on some unused space of a page of Sub-Episode 1. The Sonichu Balls would not be mentioned again until Sonichu #6, when Magi-Chan theorizes that the combined power of "all seven" Sonichu Balls could free Crystal from the Dark Mirror Hole, based on the mirror's reaction to the one Sonichu Ball in their possession.

Magi-Chan never explains how he learned of the Sonichu Balls, or how they found the one he has. Nevertheless, the next several episodes of the series are dedicated to the hedgehogs' quest to hunt down the other six Balls. Magi-Chan suggests the seven Chaos Emeralds as a possible alternative, but this is never explored.

Origin

According to Darkbind Sonichu, the Sonichu Balls were unleashed from an ancient tablet by the evil and highly original wizard Clawdorf. Clawdorf used the power to curse Darkbind's gal-pal Zelina Rosechu into a magic sleep. In the process, however, Clawdorf was turned to stone, leaving Darkbind to gather the Sonichu Balls and use them to break the curse. How Darkbind knows this will work, and why the Sonichu Balls were scattered throughout the world in the first place are never explained.

The Search for the Sonichu Balls

Since the Sonichu Balls glow when two or more of them are in proximity to each other, Magi-Chan discovers Darkbind's two Sonichu Balls during their conference in Sonichu #6. Coincidentally, a fourth happens to be in the Kay Jewelers store in CWCville Mall, which is stolen almost immediately after Magi-Chan and Darkbind's balls are first revealed.

The thieves, Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc and Black Sonichu use explosives in a daring daylight robbery. Reldnahc boasts that the Sonichu Ball will help him take over the world, and when Chris confronts him, he wields the Sonichu Ball as a weapon, threatening to finish Chris off. His attack is prevented by the timely ambush of Bionic the Hedgehog, who recovers the Sonichu Ball and gives it to Chris. For those of you keeping score, that makes four Sonichu Balls out of seven recovered within 23 pages.

The search continues in Sonichu #7, when Magi-Chan uses one of the balls in conjunction with his psychic powers to locate the fifth ball in Manchester High School, but stuck in the recent past. Together with Sonichu and Chris, Magi-Chan leads an expedition back in time to 1996, when the Sonichu Ball materialized and hit Chris on his head the day he created Bionic the Hedgehog. Sort of like the apple hitting Isaac Newton, only with more fail.

After successfully retrieving the Sonichu Ball, the trio return to their own time, but Chris, holding his two Balls in his hands, is flung into the time void, apparently propelled by some unexplained energy burst from the Sonichu Balls. Magi-Chan expresses confidence that Chris can be brought back, but is uncertain as to when.

In the meantime, Magi-Chan continues tracking down the remaining Sonichu Balls. He detects the sixth in the 4-Cent_Garbage Building in Clarksville, Tennessee, and dispatches Wild Sonichu to retrieve it while Sonichu and Rosechu meet with Jason Kendrick Howell to protest the Chris-Chan page. Wild sneaks into the building undetected, and discovers the Ball stored in an empty room.

The seventh Sonichu Ball is detected five miles off the Virginia coastline during CWCville's Spring Break, and Magi-Chan sends Bubbles Rosechu to locate it. She recovers the Ball without incident and Angelica Rosechu flies it back to CWCville Mall.

Sonichu #9

With the other five Sonichu Balls gathered in Christian's office, all that remains is for Chris himself to return from the time void, along with the two Balls in his possession. Although Sonichu #9 has not yet been completed, Chris has teased that he will return in that issue, and presumably would reunite the Sonichu Balls in the same story.

Darkbind seemed somewhat concerned at first that sharing his Balls with the others would endanger his plans for them. This suggests that the Sonichu Balls can only be used once, although knowing Chris he's already forgotten about this.

Influences

Like anything else in Sonichu, the Sonichu Balls appear to be little more than a mish-mash of other people's ideas. The three most likely sources are as follows:

Superficially, the Sonichu Balls most closely resemble Pokeballs, the red and white containers used by Pokemon Trainers to keep their Pokemon in when they're not engaged in bloodsport.

However, each Sonichu Ball is a different color, reminiscent of the Chaos Emeralds, seven multi-colored jewels featured in the "Sonic the Hedgehog" video games, which featured heavily in the origin of most of Chris' shitty characters.

Finally, the search for the Sonichu Balls bears some resemblance to the Dragon Balls, seven orange balls which, when gathered together summon a magic dragon who grants a wish. The Dragon Balls scatter after each wish, meaning they have to be tracked down again every time they're used, which might explain why the Sonichu Balls had to be located after Clawdorf unleashed them.

Powers

No one knows what the hell the Sonichu Balls are supposed to do. If they're anything like the Dragon Balls, they would summon Sonichu, except he's always around anyway, so what good would that do? Dumbass.

ULTRA SONICHU! (aka Down's Syndrome Sonichu)

If they're anything like the Chaos Emeralds, collecting them all might give Sonichu the power to transform into Ultra Sonichu, Chris' long hinted-at "super" form of Sonichu.

Reldnahc attempted to aim one of the Balls like a weapon, although he never got the chance to use it, so there's no telling what, if anything, it would have done.

So far, the Sonichu Balls mostly just seem to screw people over. They turned Clawdorf to stone, glow at inappropriate times, and fling people into "time voids". For some reason, holding two of the Sonichu Balls caused Wild's invisibility power to konk out, and Black Sonichu got owned by a trannie because Bubbles was searching for another. It wouldn't surprise me if they explode or something once they're all in the same room.

Another curious property of the Sonichu Balls is that they can be absorbed into a person's arms. In the time void, the two Balls Chris holds enter his arms for no obvious reason. Later, Wild prays to the Sonichu Balls or something, and they disappear into his arms, enabling him to use his hands. After he escapes the 4-cent_Garbage Building, he says a silly rhyme to command the Balls to rematerialize. How he knows to do any of this is--yep, you guessed it--never explained. You'd almost think Chris didn't put very much thought into this storyline.