Hello, I'm new here, but I've lurked and have been keeping up with comedy/tragedy since 2007. I'm currently writing something for the Sweetheart page. I would like to thank FrogWrangler from the Discord server for being kind enough to grant me the privilege of posting here.
Chris Chan Anatomy of a Loser
Lolcow. A name given to an individual that no one respects. A person who is considered completely unrespectable by internet collectives. In other words, a loser. We all have known a loser in our lives, and their embarrassing quirks vary from to the relatable to bizarre and sometimes repulsive. In elementary school, you may have known of the kid who ate bugs, worms, boogers, and paste, or the kids that pisses and craps himself. In junior high, the kid with a crush on a teacher, the perverted kid with a playboy stash and hentai on his dad’s computer, or a wannabe punk subculture drop out. In high school the lanky kid with horrendous acne and his shoelaces untied who never scored a date and missed out on prom night. Maybe even you have been a loser. The insane anime fan who plays videogames and masturbates to hentai all day and night, subsisting off nothing but energy drinks and frozen tv dinners. The overweight comic book geek who knows more about the individual histories of over 1000 different superheroes and their alternate universe counterparts than anything useful in real life like tax paying, house maintenance, and basic hygiene. The derelict with an empty cat ridden apartment who misses his rent often. The Harry Potter fanfiction writer with a BDSM fetish who has a crush on, out of all the wizards and witches, spoiled privileged brat Draco Malfoy. The pedophile next door who’d try to offer you candy. The internet specifically catalogues these people and more, because on the internet, mistakes are forever, and boy do they burn. The internet has offered a window to the lives of folks that mainstream novelists and screen writers wouldn’t dare shed a light on, unless they were the villain or a minor character. Even then the typical relatable story focuses on characters who by the end of the day, are really just neurotypical folk and are average Joes in comparison. Geek culture exploded into popularity with the advent of the internet, and geek culture consists with coinciding fandoms of sci-fi/fantasy novels, videogames, comic books, table top rpgs and Japanese animation. Back in the day, if you were a person with a big interest in any of these things, you had the tendency to be an outcast by your peers, and you’d be the prime candidate to be shoved into a locker or given a swirly(typical initiation for plenty of American youths) . Nowadays, being a geek is considered normal and/or “cool”, because everybody loves themselves some Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Star Trek, and Star Wars. But, there are still standards. There are still people considered too geeky even by other geeks. Untouchables. The real cringe-inducing losers. Super sensitive Sonic recolor artists. Body pillow humping Wapanesey Weaboos. And of course, the dreaded Furries. Such denizens are considered the nadir of all fandoms. By the end of the day you may have a nerdy hobby, but at least you have a job and a life. At least you’re not one of these freaks. But then again, what if you are one of these freaks? What if you’re a lolcow? Well, then at least you’re not Chris Chan. Anything embarrassing you’ve done, whether it was getting mad at a silly troll over your bad animu art or shitty sonic recolor. Or indulging your fetishes online. Chris has out cringed everyone else tenfold. He has become more than just the mere virgin destined to die alone. He’s is the literal motherfucker who will die alone and with nothing. Zero dignity to his grave. Despite all of that, he will remain proud and smug of his non acomplishments, no matter what he does, because despite being the most laughable human being ever in all existence, he has convinced himself that he can do no wrong, that he does no wrong, in his own words “you’re the shitheads”. In recent years, he has convinced himself that not only is a strong sexy blue haired anime vixen trapped in a flabby manchild body, but Jesus Christ himself. There are too many problems with Chris, and it is impossible to even begin to pinpoint what are needs to be fixed, because he made himself unfixable. But if there is one area that is definitely the source of all his problems, it is his pride, which was fueled by his sheltered upbringing, his enabling parents(specifically his doting mother), and his lack of struggle throughout his life in school. There is myth in American Society. It's called the Ugly Duckling, although, it better known in modern times as the comedy film "Revenge of the Nerds." In that film, college Nerds get bullied by college Jocks and college that favors the Jocks, but true to the movie's title, the Nerds get their revenge and come out on top. Many outcast geeks take this film to heart, thinking that their looks don't matter, that they can win the girl of their dreams with their brains alone. Sadly, geeks live under a delusion, thinking that just because they are geeks they are intelligent and in Chris's case, that delusion became too severe. Chris is the quintessential Omega negative male. He is a geek, but he is not smart at all. He has no job. He hasn't showered in years. He masturbates to himself as a cartoon hedgehog pokemon fucking a submissive anime girl cartoon hedgehog pokemon. He is what you call a "creep" that women instinctively run away from when they see them in a dark alley. But he delusionally thinks he is the best boyfriend material thanks to the pervasive Ugly Duckling myth of geekdom. My bottom line and message to all geeks is no, unless you have a job(a real job that nets significant return like a 50,000 salary), and unless you know how to take care of the house and care for another person, don't even think about dating. And if you're too old, just give up, and focus on your job or getting one. And if you masturbate to cartoons, seek help.
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