Semen

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The closest Crystal will ever get to touching the Medallion of Fail.

Semen is the fluid secreted by the gonads of males to impregnate females. Christian Weston Chandler has many misconceptions about its purpose.

Despite being "honest" about sex, Chris is sometimes uncomfortable saying "semen" and occasionally uses his own unique bowdlerized terms, such as "comeuppance" or "navy." Get it? The navy is a bunch of seamen amirite? WAKKA WAKKA!

Comeuppance

In the context of sex (especially oral) with his TRUE and HONEST sweetheart, Chris refers to DROPPIN' FUCKIN' LOADS as "comeuppance," as seen here:

“	Uh, it just feels so good, unngghh, and because me being a virgin, I would let you keep your mouth over my penis and then sooner than expected, I feel my comeuppance [emphasis added] and I come into your mouth, my semen is inside your mouth and you'd swallow every drop.	”
Chris, "My First Time"

“	Yeah, and I'm just gonna keep bangin' your BREASTS OVER AND OVER AGAIN until you get the first DOSAGE of my comeuppance!	”
Chris, Kacey Phone Call

Chris presumably coined the term because a) ejaculate is called "come," b) it goes "up" when it comes out of his duck, and c) he's an idiot. However, this created a shitstorm when his sex tapes dropped, because Webster's defines comeuppance as "a deserved rebuke or penalty" . While Chris most likely heard this word and thought it would make a clever euphemism for "cum", the true meaning and its context seems to suggest an eerie Freudian slip.

A tasty treat

Chris believes that whatever he eats changes the flavor of semen, which may have some basis in fact. However, what makes this ridiculous is that Chris thinks his semen will taste exactly like whatever he eats. He has indicated that he would strive for flavored comeuppance so his sweetheart/cum dumpster would savor the taste. In the sex tape audio, Chris presented the following scenario to Panda Halo:

“	I would have eaten so much chocolate, that day beforehand, and it would taste so yummy to you, probably like white chocolate. You'd swallow that.	”
Chris

In subsequent chats with Julie, this fantasy was revised so that his comeuppance would taste like strawberries. Chris undoubtedly gobbles tons of sweets every day as a contingency in case he happens to unexpectedly find true love.

Coincidentally, sweets and other unhealthy foods are known to make semen taste even worse than usual. Chocolate is one of the worst offenders.

Recycling

“	Mmm! Goes down salty.	”
Chris

Another tidbit revealed in the sex tapes was that when Chris masturbates he makes sure to ejaculate into a plastic cup, to avoid making a mess. Shortly after this news broke, talk began to grow that Chris actually drinks from this cup.

The initial assumption, given Chris's hard stance on homos, was that Chris was a devout, fundamentalist Christian and therefore had a rigid interpretation of the Biblical story of Onan. (This was before we found out Chris wouldn't know anything about the Bible unless he heard it on Family Guy.) Eventually the real reason was discovered: Chris believes that by ingesting his own sperm he can "recycle" it, so that none of his potential children are lost. That's right: Chris believes life begins at ejaculation.

For a time there was no concrete evidence to support this outrageous claim, so Chris wisely decided to confirm it as fact. Multiple times.

[21:08] [11:36:35 AM] Sarah Cassandra McKenzie says: have you ever tasted your own semen
[21:08] [11:37:42 AM] Christopher C.W.C. says: KEEP IT SECRET, but I actually have; I recycle my semen               
until I get together with my Sweetheart (you) for the first time.
[21:08] [11:38:10 AM] Sarah Cassandra McKenzie says: ohhhh.. so that's why you do it in a cup
[21:08] [11:38:38 AM] Christopher C.W.C. says: yes; after recycle, I rinse the cup and dispose of it.
[21:10] [11:40:03 AM] Sarah Cassandra McKenzie says: where did you come up with the idea of swallowing 
your own semen to recycle it after you cummed? Was it on a sex site or your own idea?
[21:10] [11:40:13 AM] Christopher C.W.C. says: MY OWN IDEA.
[21:12] [11:41:23 AM] Christopher C.W.C. says: IMHO, it's often unsatisfying to me upon swallowing, 
because it's not being truly enjoyed by my Sweetheart.

FACT: If swallowing is "often unsatisfying" for Chris, that means that sometimes it IS satisfying.

Not convinced? Try this:

“	Uh, no, I don't think so, uh, because I've done that [drinking semen after masturbating], it's called "recycling it." Yeah, so it's basically recycling so, like uh, so he doesn't necessarily lose it. I mean, 'cause you know, if you think of it as a waste if you banged it out and then you, uh and then you flushed it down the commode or leave it in the condom in the garbage can...Though personally, I've been getting sick of swallowing my own, so lately I've been disposing of them.	”
Chris, Mumble chat, 17 February 2009

Yes, he really does it...

In case you still don't believe it, Chris made a video for Ivy of himself drinking his jizz, which Clyde Cash leaked on 16 April 2009. In the video, Chris explains that he doesn't have any chocolate milk handy (Ivy originally suggested Chris drink his semen with chocolate syrup in a cocktail glass), so he opted to wash it down with some orange Fanta. Coca-Cola, makers of Fanta, stocks plummeted with the news.

Just to make sure everyone on Earth knows about it, Chris later made a video admitting and justifying the existence of the cum-guzzling footage.

“	I recycle my own semen, because, uh, you know, yes I do masturbate--I'm not ashamed to admit it--as a lot of guys, I'm sure, have done the same thing in their time. Anyway, uh, basically I--yeah, into the cup and--yeah, I recycle it. So that that way I won't lose any, uh, unborn children. So then I can--then I can also still have a good number of...a good semen count. Keep maintain that by recycling it.	”
Chris, defending the rights of the unborn, 28 April 2009

Chris has some advice for all you men out there too:

“	And depending on the taste of it, uh, to the original owners...of the--their respective semen, uh, it's a good idea to recycle, but if, uh, you don--if you don--if you feel uncomfortable, uh, doing it or it tastes bad to you, then, uh, then you don't have to do it.	”
Chris, giving everyone his permission to not swallow semen, 28 April 2009

Questions remain about his recycling plan. If he doesn't want to lose even a single unborn child, does that mean he plans to eventually father millions of children? Is he really dumb enough to believe his navy will survive digestion? (That's a rhetorical question.) And what happens to the comeuppance he wants to leave in his sweetheart's mouth--does that magically teleport back where it came from, or can women get pregnant from oral sex? Sadly, these questions will never be answered, as Chris will never actually deposit his semen anywhere except his own throat (or Kimmi's plastic vagina.)

In the Kacey calls, Chris has also suggested interest in drinking his semen for arousal:

“	And then you know what, I'm going to lick it, I'm gonna lick it off your face, and then we're gonna share it in our tongue like tongue sharing MOMENT!	”
Chris, Kacey Phone Call, after describing how he would titfuck Kacey

In Mailbag 30, Chris announces he kicked the habit, although the validity of this statement is questionable at best, considering his track record for telling the truth.

See also

• Mass debating