Weening

Rounding out the unholy trinity of White Knights and A-Logs, Weens are several times as annoying as the previous two combined, which should tell you something. A corruption of the phrase 'Epic Win', weens are wannabe trolls who attempt to recreate the actual epic win of previous generations of trolls but thanks to their blundering and unoriginality end up making Chris of all people look like the master troll. In other words, they're the hyperactive preteen cargo-cultists who annoy the everloving fuck out of non-weens with their complete lack of talent and humor.

Still confused? Maybe a video will help get the point across.

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What Weening consists of

THIS IS WHAT WEENS ACTUALLY BELIEVE

• Elaborate trolling plans.
• Prank calls to Chris's House. Double dumbass points if it's to scream JULAAAY! into the phone.
• A-Logging. Note that while not all weens are A-Logs and while not all A-Logs are weens, the vast majority of these dumbasses are both. The original A-Log was as much of a ween as an A-Log, what with his unfunny MST3K-wannabe videos.
• Facebook stalking.
• Scathing e-mails.
• Any kind of trolling plan, really.
• Terrible fanfiction that 'wittily' deconstructs Sonichu as a saccharine dystopia. Asperchu already did it, folks, time to move on.
• Terrible fanart of Sonichu that attempts to be wittily macabre by making it (even more) grotesque, (even more) gory, or (even more) perverse than it already was.
• Spouting tired old Chris memes in places where the regulars are known to congregate.
• Spouting tired old Chris memes in places where most of the members won't be familiar with Chris at all.
• Making frivolous or exaggerated claims of Chris's misconduct to sites like Ebay or YouTube.
• Spoiling Chris's legitimate attempts at participating in contests or e-commerce.

But most notably,

• Breaking the law in pursuit of lulz, such as vandalizing Chris's property or dishing out death threats. We shouldn't have to spell this out, but don't do this. For fuck's sake, people.

Why you should avoid weening

The Miscreants, grateful to get away from all of the weens leeching off of their hard work.

Yeah yeah, we know what you're thinking. You're not one of those tryhard 13-year old boys who think that screaming JULAAAAAY!!! is the height of wit. You have a great plan to really get under Chris's skin and bring back the good old days and blah blah blah. While you may in fact be that guy, 99.9% of the time you should shitcan your trolling plans and move on with your life.

Why?

There are much better targets than Chris

If you're willing to put that much effort into trolling Chris, why not use that effort to choose a better victim? As much as the CWCki makes light of his odd behaviors and personality flaws, Chris isn't even close to the bottom of the barrel of Internet scumbags. Neo-nazis, abusive lovers and parents, scam artists and other assorted shitbirds are much more deserving of concentrated trolling than Chris will ever be. Even if you don't give a shit about who the trollbait is as long as you get maximum lulz, current Chris (as discussed below) just isn't as amenable to trolling as he used to be. For the amount of effort you need to put into piercing his layers of white knights and paranoia you may as well just spend it on another lolcow who hasn't been inured to years of deceit.

For most aspiring trolls, the only reason to pick Chris over any random Internet jackass is because he's famous and you have a ready-made audience available to appreciate your supposed fine trolling efforts. But that's just you being a lazy fuckwad, not some trolling mastermind.

The best trolls are chosen by fate

With a couple of exceptions, the greatest trolls didn't mean to get into professional trolling. BlueSpike didn't even intend to create the Julie character, he just rolled with it when he saw an opening. Clyde Cash was an emergent meme and later a collective identity that metastasized from Chris jerking around his fanbase. Vivian used to be a sincere White Knight until she got fed up with his antics. Liquid Chris started out as a You-Tube nobody who ended up being surprisingly good at doing Chris impressions -- and then later noticed by Chris out of the blue. Jason Kendrick Howell thought that he was making a page on a run-of-the-mill lolcow and had no idea of the clusterfuck he was about to create. And Ivy had no idea that Chris was going to latch onto her so hard.

Bottom line, the biggest factor in whether a trolling plan is successful is flat-out luck. So stop trying to force your shitty trolling plans down Chris's throat.

Your idea is probably not original

Quite frankly, it's probably been done before or better. It's pretty much impossible to top getting Chris to believe that the President of Nintendo was interested in his work. Or that there was a dang, dirty imposter whom everyone else thought was the real Chris and stealing his richly deserved fame. By and large, trolling plans tend to be some minor variation on what was already done, like 'what if we got his high school ring?' or 'what if we got him to see another stock parody of his comic?'

If you fail hard enough you will become a target for trolls

While A-Log is the touchstone for trolling backfiring on the troll, it's important to remember that A-Log would've never attracted the attention of the Internet if he either: A.) toned down the vitriol or B.) didn't comment on so many videos. It was thereafter a fairly obvious leap in intuition to assume that someone with that level of monomania and hysteria had some skeletons in their closet of their own. By the same token, obsessive or excessive weenery is akin to plugging in a big neon sign pointing the trolls straight to your collection of Goku x Anne Frank slashfic and dried catskins.

Even if you succeed you may regret it later

Sometimes, trolls that somehow manage to succeed in extracting lulz from Chris-chan may end up getting more than they bargained for. Liquid Chris is probably going to have to fend off accusations from people outside of the Chris-chan bubble of tormenting an autistic virgin for his own amusement for the rest of his life. Even when BlueSpike turns 30 years old, people are still going to think of him as the crazed pervert who listened to a slow-in-the-mind masturbate for hours on end and made him cram a medallion up his ass.

To add to the irony, people who didn't intentionally mean to upset Chris are still getting unwanted attention from weens. How much money do you want to bet that Adam Stackhouse dreads seeing another 'you prevented Chris from raping Megan, congrats!' message from some unoriginal ween? Do you think that Mary Lee Walsh enjoys seeing herself as a nubile anime blonde who exists solely to torment a virgin with rage every time she or her students uses Google?

Chris: Still the undisputed trolling champion

Lest that we think that the current drought in content is because of a shortage of trolling triggers, Late 2013-2014 would easily have given us the biggest windfall in content were Chris still in the habit of making more videos. From Chris learning that his gal pals were fake, to him flushing down his Ebay and commission money on Lego to his house going up in flames, if Chris had his old enthusiasm we'd be spoiled for content.

Chris is so good at turning his own life into a rolling disaster, not even the return of Clyde Cash could top what's currently going on. So just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.

See also

• Trolls - Examples of doing it right.
• A-Logging - Examples of doing it wrong.
• Michael Snyder / Adam Stackhouse / Mary Lee Walsh - Examples of doing it accidentally.