Prank calls

It's no secret that the Chandler home gets many prank calls, thanks to Chris's e-fame and the fact he actually revealed his phone number to the entire Internet. Multiple times. However, many of the brave souls that call the Chandler home record their calls and upload them to YouTube, providing an insight into the Chandlers' thoughts.

Prank Call Collection

A collection of various prank calls made to the almighty Internet Lumberjack on a Sunday afternoon.

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Transcript

Bob: Hello?
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Yeah, how you doin'? My name is Chris, I'm from Boston.
Bob: Hello? I don't understand your conversation.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Would it be possible for me to get your name?
Bob: You called me.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Um, there's somebody playing games with the phone.
Bob: Nobody's playing games with the phone unless you are.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): [speaking over Bob] We're connected to each other through a computer because somebody's sittin' in a room, hacking telephone numbers.
Bob: I beg your pardon? I'm just answerin' my telephone.[Inaudible.] You called me. What the hell is on your mind, man?
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): [again, speaking over Bob] We're connected to each other through a computer because somebody's sittin' in a room, hacking telephone numbers.
Bob: I beg your pardon? What's on your mind? You called me, and now shut up or get off the phone or speak!
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): You're a narcissist. You've got a personality di-disorder. Did you know that?
Bob: I don't have a damn thing! You're the one that's a guh-guh-gutter creep [Inaudible] - that's just what you are.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): [talking over Bob again] I know your weaknesses. I know your weaknesses.
Bob: Tell me what you want. I'm- I answered the phone, now tell me what you want. You rang my damn number.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): You see, what you're doing is, you're burning up tens of thousands of dollars.
Bob: I ain't burnin' up nothin', fella. Now you tell me what the hell you want, or I'm gonna hang this phone up. I don't need your crap.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Sir, you've just threatened me. And I've got you recorded now. Now you've committed a felony.
Bob: That's good. I'm just gonna hang up if you don't tell me what you want.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Can you hear that stuff at the other end?
[redialed]
Bob: Hello?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Hello, I'm calling, this is Officer Martin from the sheriff's department. How can I help you this evening?
Bob: I beg your pardon? I didn't understand you.
Officer Martin (soundboard): Deputy Martin from the sheriff's department.
Bob: I still didn't understand you. [Inaudible.] - speak distinctly.
Officer Martin (soundboard): [talking over Bob] I've already told you who I am. I've already told you who I am. This is sheriff's depar-Deputy Martin from the sheriff's department.
Bob: I don't understand why you're callin' me.
Officer Martin (soundboard): I'm Deputy Martin from the sheriff's department.
Bob: What insurance department?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Well, you need to stop- to quit callin' here.
Bob: I beg your pardon?
Officer Martin (soundboard): I'm advising you to stop calling.
Bob: I didn't call you! You called me! What are- Who are you, and what's goin' on?
Officer Martin (soundboard): I'm here at Big Daddy's Pizza. I'm Deputy Martin from the sheriff's department.
Bob: Would you speak slowly and one syllable at a time so I can understand you?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Big Daddy's Pizza. I'm here at Big Daddy's Pizza.
Bob: You're mayor of Big Daddy's Pizza? Is that what you said?
Officer Martin (soundboard): No one's called ya.
Bob: I beg your pardon?
Officer Martin (soundboard): No one's called ya.
Bob: I can't understand you. You need to take a diction lesson.
[Barbara is heard in the background urging Bob on]
Officer Martin (soundboard): I'm gonna advise you now, this is the sheriff's department.
Bob: Are- are you the sheriff's department?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Yeah.
Bob: Good. Why did you call me?
Officer Martin (soundboard): No one's called ya.
Bob: No one's called me? Then why didn't my phone ring?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Well, you need to stop- to quit callin' here.
Bob: I didn't call you! Listen!
[call dropped; redialed]
Bob: [in the middle of a conversation with Barb]
Barbara: What's the phone number comin' in?
Bob: Nothin'.
Barbara: Well, hang up!
Bob: Hello?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Who is this?
Bob: Who the hell is this?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Hello, I'm calling, this is Officer Martin from the sheriff's department. How can I help you this evening?
Bob: [chuckling] I don't know, you can't help me. You're calling me.
Officer Martin (soundboard): Callin' you and cussin' you, OK? Why would I call you when I'm on the sheriff's department why would I call somebody and cuss them out?
Bob: I don't know.
Officer Martin (soundboard): Who is this?
Bob: Who is this? For cryin' in a bucket...
Officer Martin (soundboard): This is the sheriff's depar- Deputy Martin from sheriff's department.
Bob: Well, insurance department of what?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Big Daddy's Pizza.
Bob: Big Daddy's Pizza. OK, Big Daddy. Will you please quit callin' me and leave my phone alone?
Officer Martin (soundboard): I'm advising you to stop calling.
[redialed]
Bob: Hello?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Hello.
Bob: Why are you calling my phone?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Now listen, you stupid son of a bitch, I've never called you before you god danged you...[interrupted] - pick about every third day to call me, so fuck you!
Bob: YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH! Don't call me again! Get down in your damn low-life gutter, okay?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): [interrupting] Hey, fuck you, you stupid cocksucker.
Bob: I don't play that. And don't call me again! You bastard!
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Fuck you.
Bob: Forget my number! Alright?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Whatta ya need done?
[redialed]
Bob: Hello?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Duncan Construction.
Bob: Hello?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): This is Frank Garrett.
Bob: This is who?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): This is Frank Garrett.
Bob: Well, Frank, what is on your mind?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Hey, does your mama still got, uh, worms crawlin' out her pusshy?
Bob: What is on your mind, sir?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Did they turn you out of your fuckin' cage again or what?
Bob: Listen, you motherfucker! Get off of my telephone and quit bothering' it! Okay?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): [interrupting] No.
Bob: Get down in your low-life gutter and stay there!
Frank Garrett (soundboard): No.
[redialed]
Bob: Hello?
Gay Florist (soundboard): Hello?
Bob: Yes, why are you calling my number?
Gay Florist (soundboard): I didn't call you
Bob: Well then... uh why are you speaking with me?
Gay Florist (soundboard): I have been called 15 times.
Bob: I beg your pardon?
Gay Florist (soundboard): Why are you callin' me every 3 minutes for?!?!?
Bob: I'm not calling you, I'm sitting here in my living room; watching TV.
Gay Florist (soundboard): Why don't you get your brass balls and come up here buddy?
Bob: Well I don't know who you are or where you are, but... and I don't really care! But you... I'll let you talk to my wife and you tell her why your cussin' at me!
Gay Florist (soundboard): OK
Bob: [In the background, Bob and Barbara converse]
[troll holds in laugh]
Barbara: Hello?
Gay Florist (soundboard): Hello?
Barbara: Who are you calling?
Gay Florist (soundboard): I didn't call you
Barbara: Well, you're fucked up somehow; goodbye.
Gay Florist (soundboard): I'll bust your head wide open if I could see you!
[redialed]
Bob: Hello?
Depressed Guy (soundboard): Hello?
[somber music plays in the background]
Bob: Why are you callin' on me on a Sunday afternoon?
Depressed Guy (soundboard): I didn't call you, I'm just trying to go to sleep.
Bob: I wish you'd quit bothering my telephone, I'm trying to watch TV. I'm an 82 year old man, now cut it out!
Depressed Guy (soundboard): My fuckin' life's not doing too well right now, dude.
[call ends]
[music goes on for a while then fades out]

Failed Prank Call

In this video, a gaggle of trolls attempt to prank call Chris, yelling JULAYYYYY into the phone. Instead, they get Bob, who instantly realizes the prank and yells at the trolls.

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Transcript

Troll 1: [whispers insults at the time it's taking for someone to answer]
Bob: Hello?
Troll 1: JULAAAAY JULAAAAY JULAAAAY!
Bob: What the hell's that supposed to mean? That you're an idiot?
Troll 2: Whoa whoa whoa, are you Bob Chandler?
Bob: It doesn't matter who I am, who is this idiot I'm talking to on the other end?
Troll 2: Umm
Bob: You got some funny ass ideas about playing games of mind on the telephone don't you. Are you six years old or somethin'?
Troll 1: [unintelligible] We got his fucking dad. Shit.

Chris Calls Bob

In this video, a troll calls the Chandler home, using a soundboard of Chris-chan to prank the Chandler home. Note how Bob either recognizes that the call is a prank or he doesn't recognize his own son's voice; also, note that he has a caller ID phone.

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Transcript

Bob: Hello.
Chris (soundboard): Hello?
Bob: Why are you calling my phone?
Chris (soundboard): Good evening sir, how are you?
Bob: I'm fine, but you're wasting your time calling my phone, you know that?
Chris (soundboard): Don't say that.
Bob: Because it doesn- it doesn't make any noise. All it does is flash a light. So it really doesn't bother me, I just thought I would tell you that you're wasting your time
Chris (soundboard): Are you really at a 14 Branchland Court?
[Call likely cut - redialed]
Bob: I thought I told you, we don't answer any calls that have unknown names on them or unknown numbers.
Chris (soundboard): I did not mean to give off the impression of being-
[Redialed]
Chris (soundboard): I'm high-functionally autistic.
Bob: Hello?
Chris (soundboard): Hello!
Bob: Hello.
Chris (soundboard): Good evening sir, how are you?
Bob: I'm pretty good.
Chris (soundboard): I'm good!
Bob: Why do you bother to call this phone?
Chris (soundboard): Are you really at a 14 Branchland Court?
Bob: Yes, I am. Why do you bother to call this phone, because the phone doesn't ring.
Chris (soundboard): What the hell? Why are you- why have you started doing this in the first place, you little son of a bitch?
Barbara: Don't call us anymore.
Bob: Now don't, don't cuss at me, fella.
Chris (soundboard): Shut the hell up.
Bob: I'll start cussing at at you.
Chris (soundboard): You weak little son of a bitch!
Bob: Listen, fella. Kid. Whatever you dumbass is.
Barbara: [heard in the background] Hang up the phone!
Chris (soundboard): My name is Christian.
[more indistinct conversation in the background, "Hang up the phone!" etc.]
Bob: Well listen, listen. The phone doesn't ring, all it does is light a light, so you're not botherin' me and every once in a while I try and tell you people that you're wastin' your damn time. Okay, you're not botherin' us. So why the hell do you do-waste all that effort? Put it in to something con- constructive and creative.
Barbara: [interjects] Go to Haiti!
Bob: Yeah, go to Haiti and help those people, or go to hell, one or the other. [Chris soundboard says something simultaneously]
Chris (soundboard): Yes- Yes I agree with you, this is frustrating.
[Bob hangs up]

'Epic Crazy Lady' calls Bob

A troll using a soundboard of a super loud Fundamentalist yells at Bob over the phone, while Bob throws insults at her and makes comments on how he can't understand her, as she continues to get angrier.

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“	Listen boy, you get your black ass down in the gutter and stay there!	”
Bob

Transcript

Bob: Hello?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Hello.
Bob: Hello?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Who do you think you are?
Bob: Who are you?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): I don't know who you are, but I tell you what, I live at 900 Collins Road. Why don't you bring yourself over here?
Bob: I beg your pardon, who do you think you're talking to?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Do you know that you're not supposed to talk that way?
Bob: Who are you?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): You have got a issue problem. God forgive you.
Bob: I beg your pardon, who or what is...
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): [Interrupting] God needs to move in your life.
Bob: I beg your pardon. I can't even begin to understand what you're saying.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): God needs to move in your life severely!
Bob: Why don't you quit dialing my number, and go somewhere and play a game with the gutter rats?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Bring yourself over here! I'll show you what's the matter! OK?
Bob: Why don't you come over here and I'll show you what's the matter?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Nine hundred Collins Road, bring yourself, buddy.
Bob: Hey, buddy. Listen, boy.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): You ain't no man.
Bob: Listen, boy. You get your black ass down in the gutter and stay there. You understand?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): I am the woman of the house, and you don't call me and ask me who my daddy is.
Bob: I don't know what you are, or who you are, and I don't really care. But you are invading my privacy, and you are cussing at me, and I don't like it.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Call my house and talk that way. I tell you what, why don't you call my husband, and tell my husband that?
Bob: I don't know who you are or who you think I am...
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Yeah, that's what you are, a big old chicken.
Bob: Who do think I am?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): God forgive you.
Bob: I wish that you knew what number you called, because I think you're calling the wrong number.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): I ain't called your house. Who do you think you are, calling my house?
Bob: I didn't call your house, sir, ma'am...
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): [Interrupting] No, you are!
Bob: ...or whatever you are.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): You ain't no man. I don't know who you are, but I tell you what, I live at 900 Collins Road. Why don't you bring yourself over here?
Bob: I'll let you talk to my wife, maybe she can talk some sense into your head.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Fine.
Bob: [In the background, Bob says something to Barbara about a "goddamn screwy woman." Barbara tells him: "Hang up on her. I ain't talkin' to nobody, this time of night. Hang it up."] You better check the number that you called, because you're not talking to anybody that you know.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): I ain't called your house. Who do you think you are, calling my house?
Bob: I haven't called your house. I am the one who picked up the phone and said, "Hello."
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): You have got a issue problem.
Bob: [In the background, Barbara tells Bob to hang up because he's getting on her nerves.] I don't have an issue problem with anybody, but please quit calling my number.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): [Unintelligible] bring yourself over here and I'll show you what a whooping is.
[Bob hangs up]
Harlem Barber: Barbershop
Bob (soundboard): You get your black ass in the gutter and stay there.
Harlem Barber: [Whistles]
Bob (soundboard): Hey, buddy.

Bob Calls Himself

In this one, Bob seems not to be able to recognize his own voice, and his view on trolls is the same as Chris's, "Internet people who persecute people". Also, Snorlax makes an appearance.

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“	I ain't got no black ass!	”
Barbara, at, Bob

Transcript

Bob: Hello?
Bob (soundboard): Hello?
Bob: Why are you calling me?
Bob (soundboard): Why are you calling my phone?
Bob: I'm not calling your phone, why are you calling my phone?
Bob (soundboard): Who the hell is this?!
Bob: Well who are you? You're the one that made the call.
Bob (soundboard): Who do you think I am?!
Bob: I don't know wha- who you are but I know you're in Oklahoma.
Bob (soundboard): I wish that you- you knew what number you called because I think you're calling the wrong number.
Bob: I didn't call the number; my phone rang.
Bob (soundboard): Why I-I answered the phone now tell me what you want you rang my damn number.
Bob: I didn't ring your number but if you're in Oklahoma you shouldn't be upset like that.
Bob (soundboard): I wish that you- you knew what number you called because I think you're calling the wrong number.
Bob: I didn't call anybody I just picked up the phone; let me explain something to you, can I do that? I-I'm a Texan now can I-can I explain something to you?
Bob (soundboard): Good.
Bob: Okay. There is on the Internet... a a bunch of trolls, now they persecute people and these these trolls have found somewhere somebody that have engineered a set of software that allows them to call people on the telephone and put in any particular number they want to put in as the caller ID. Now this-the telephone company knows about this and the federal government knows about this, to the point where they've even gived it a named called spoofing. S-P-O-O-F-I-N-G. And I think if I-if you think that I called your number and that's what's happening to you because I did not call your number. But that's-
Bob (soundboard): [Speaking over] Who are you?
Bob: -what's happened to me.
Bob (soundboard): Who are you?
Bob: Who am I? I'm Robert Chandler and I live in Ruckersville, Virginia.
Bob (soundboard): I beg your pardon?
Bob: Yeah, I'm 82 years old but I was born in Fort Worth, so I'm a neighbor.
Bob (soundboard): What's on your mind, you called me now shut up or get off the phone or speak!
Bob: Well I'm talking to you what do- else do you want?
Bob (soundboard): I don't have an issue problem with anybody but please quit calling my number.
Bob: I didn't call you but I'm trying to explain how these people do it. Okay?
Bob (soundboard): Nobody's playing games with the phone unless you are.
Bob: Well, look: I'm 82 years old, all right? I was born in Fort Worth. I'm basically a neighbor of yours or at one time I was. I have a cousin who lives in Tulsa. Okay? I have a lot of Cherokee relatives that live in your state also.
Bob (soundboard): I don't know what you are or who you are and I don't really care.
Bob: Well I'm trying to be nice to you and to explain what's happening. You're being a victim of the Internet people that persecute people, because I didn't call your number.
Bob (soundboard): I still didn't understand you.
Bob: Well I don't wha-wha how can I explain it any simpler to you. They-
Bob (soundboard): Listen boy
Bob: -they have a program in-in their computer which allows them to dial numbers anywhere in the country and put in as the caller ID any particular telephone number they want to.
Bob (soundboard): Listen you motherfucker get down in your lowlife gutter and stay there!
Bob: Listen I didn't start cussing at you now-now-now just cut it down, cool it down; I'm trying to be nice to you.
Bob (soundboard): I don't need your crap.
Barbara: Hello there.
Bob (soundboard): Hello.
Barbara: Sir or mam or whatever the hell you are.
Bob (soundboard): Who the hell is this?!
Barbara: Don't you call up here-now look don't you call up here cussing at my husband.
Bob (soundboard): Get down in you lowlife gutter and stay there
Barbara: We didn't have-we didn't have anything to do with this damn...er...thing that's going on. There are a lot of- lot of weird people out here and you might be included as one of them if you are calling us and cussing us out. Now hang up the phone and forget the number.
Bob (soundboard): You get your black ass down in the gutter and stay there!
Barbara: I ain't got no black ass! You get your gutter ass out in the gutter and shut up!
Bob (soundboard): Hey buddy.

Liquid Bob calls Bob

A troll pretending to be a Liquid version of Bob calls Bob. In this video we learn that Bob doesn't know of Sonic, and thinks Chris invented Sonichu himself. Also, we learn that the trolls are spoofing the telephone company.

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“	S-P-O-O-F-I-N-G.	”
Bob, repeating himself

Transcript

Bob:-FBI and everybody else, that there's a system that goes on that says that anybody that wants to do it that knows how with the proper software and stuff can call any number in the country that they want to and can put any particular phone number in the system as if it came from that number to the people: called spoofing. S-P-O-O-F-I-N-G. Now-
Liquid Bob: Is-
Bob: -you can call your local police department if you like about that but that's the name they all know it as: spoofing. Now I'm not calling your number some dizzy kook out there on the Internet is playing games with ya.
Liquid Bob: Are you telling me that somebody out there on the Internet is using your phone number in an attempt to pin the blame on your family?
Bob: That's right. It goes on all the time, I've gotten calls from people everywhere. I've even-I've even uh gotten calls where I was terrorizing people and I wasn't even on the phone!
Liquid Bob: Uh, sir I-I do not happen to know if anybody on the Internet who is drawing cartoons, I-I don't know I don't use the Internet but if that's-
Bob: I don't use the Internet either, but my son does.
Liquid Bob: Oh-
Bob: These people they hate him because he has copyright, and he just won a case in England on copyright, and there are people in the world that hate him, there are people in the world that love him but there are people in the world that hate him and the people in the world that hate him are going to all sorts of ends to try and destroy him.
Liquid Bob: Your son-your son is a
Bob: -one of the ways they do it.
Liquid Bob: Your son is a cartoonist?
Bob: Yes he is.
Liquid Bob: That's very-that's a very nice to hear. I hope he's doing good.
Bob: Well he doesn't make a living at it but he's autistic, he's shares his cartoons with the world and has for the last ten or twelve years.
Liquid Bob: I've got a grandson who's into cartoons like that, he might know 'em. He's on the Internet, uh, looking up cartoons on the Internet and, uh, I think it's pretty nifty to be quite honest with you. That-
Bob: Well the ones that my son does is called Sonichu.
Liquid Bob: Sonichu? Is that some Japanese thing or what?
Bob: Well it's Sonic and chu.
Liquid Bob: Oh oh so-
Bob: Like a Pikachu and like the Sonic.
Liquid Bob: Well my grandkids are into this little thing called Pikachu but I wouldn't know anything about that. You taught your son-your son is a creator of this character?
Bob: Ever since before the year 2000-
Liquid Bob: Oh
Bob: -he's been putting and drawing them and putting them on the Internet with the world.
Liquid Bob: Oh oh I see where this- I just wanted to find w-where these telephone numbers are up and coming from because-
Bob: I'm not calling you, you can go and check with your local police department if you like but there is called spoofing.
Liquid Bob: Spoo-
Bob: They gon' come and say they can't stop it either,
Liquid Bob: Spoofing.
Bob: I-I could be put in jail for just terrorizing people cause my number comes in on their caller ID.
Liquid Bob: Can I-is this Mister Chandler right, your name is Mister Chandler right?
Bob: That's right.
Liquid Bob: Oh, you-your
Bob: Robert Chandler, I've got nothing to hide.
Liquid Bob: There-there are
Bob: I'm eighty-two years old and I'm retired from GE.
Liquid Bob: There are other people I have heard I think one of my sons has been receiving calls from that number as well. I did a look-read up of that as well, my son who is very into the Internet did a look up of that number and found out that most people are getting calls from that number as well.
Bob: Well you see these people are using our number to try and get us in trouble.
Liquid Bob: I am very sorry to hear that sir.
Bob: Well that's just how this world goes there are some lousy people in this world [laughs]
Liquid Bob: Well I-uh oh man I uh-- have you reported this incident yet?
Bob: Well you try and get in touch with the FBI, have you ever tried to get in touch with he FBI, you can't get in touch with the FBI. They don't even have any phone numbers and if you find a phone number you then get an answering machine and nobody ever calls you back. They get no money for this kind o' thing, this Internet crime stuff-
Liquid Bob: Are-are you saying they are purposely ignoring this-
Bob: [speaking over] -mistaken identity and everything.
Liquid Bob: -they are purposely ignoring this?
Bob: I beg your pardon?
Liquid Bob: They are purposely ignoring this?
Bob: That's right they are purposely ignoring it, the telephone company will tell you the same thing. They all have this thing named and it's called spoofing.
Liquid Bob: So they know this thing exists but they won't do anything about it.
Bob: That's right they won't do a thing about it.
Liquid Bob: Yeah-
Bob: The caller ID won't block it or anything.
Liquid Bob: Are you a Republican sir?
Bob: I'm a-I'm a Republican yes.
Liquid Bob: That is-
Bob: I didn't vote for Obama that's-
Liquid Bob: I did not vote for Obama either.
Bob: Heh. What part of New York are you in?
Liquid Bob: I think we live around Upstate New York, I-we're very conservative-
Bob: -Upstate New York once, I lived in Utica.
Liquid Bob: I have a cousin who lives in Utica, I don't know if he's still living there but I haven't spoke to him in ten years-
Bob: Yeah I worked with GE up there once bout forty years ago.
Liquid Bob: General Electric?
Bob: Yeah General Electric.
Liquid Bob: Huh, that's a very nice-I heard that's a very nice employ- steady job.
Bob: Yeah well I retired from there so.
Liquid Bob: Well I just want-
Bob: I enjoyed it, I used to go hiking in the Adirondacks and up there in the-in the mountains of uh--whate-- white mountain I guess it is they call it or something.
Liquid Bob: I think that's what we'll call it, it's very cold up here too; very very cold.
Bob: I could remember some days when it was 35 below 0 up here. I got my tootsie-
Liquid Bob: We just had sixteen, sixteen inches of snow. I was-
Bob: Would you believe I'm sitting in Charlottesville if you know where that is, in Virgin-Virginia
Liquid Bob: I think it's
Bob: next to the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia, I can see the mountains from my house. But we have right now two feet of snow in our yard and one time we had over three feet; bout two weeks ago.
Liquid Bob: That- holy moly! Are you able to get on the road safely?
Bob: Well I-I parked my car next to the street and I finally we got a plow and I can get in and out right now because I'm next to street but for about a week we couldn't get out at all.
Liquid Bob: Huh- that's very scary to hear that you guys get that much snow during the winter months.
Bob: It stopped Washington, Philadelphia, Baltimore and New York too, the same storms. It put the government out of business for seven days up there.
Liquid Bob: Oh, that just goes to shown ya you can't underestimate nature.
Bob: That's right you can't, that's what I learned while I was in Utica in Upstate New York there.
Liquid Bob: It gets pretty bad up here let me tell. It-we had an ice storm about twenty years ago, it took the power out for nearly a month, all the cars were frozen, we couldn-we couldn't even use our refrigerator, oh it was scary we were afraid it wasn't even gonna come back on.
Bob: Well I'm [chuckles] I'm sure, well I can remember it we used to get all that what do you call it; lake effect snow?
Liquid Bob: Uh what was-
Bob: -snow up there, the snow that comes off the moisture off the great lake there? And uh I can remember three feet of snow in Utica
Liquid Bob: Uh yeah uh that's-
Bob: [laughs]
Liquid Bob: -it hasn't been that bad yet, hopefully it won't be that bad in the future, winter months almost over and I can tell ya I want to get out on my boat again. And fish don't- and I go snapper fishing and they don't come 'till August.
Bob: That's right, I remember a joke about it up there, you-you had two seasons: winter and the 4th of July.
Liquid Bob: [forced laughing] Yeah uh- that's what they call it: Christmas and July [chuckles]
Bob: That's right.
Liquid Bob: Well I'm gotta be going now, well I just wanted to clear this-
Bob: -sorry just ignore those calls cause it ain't us.
Liquid Bob: Well I just wanted to be-verify this cause occasionally people have called us and we just wanted to see if it was important or not. Cause I do have family in Virgi-
Bob: Somebody might not like your son on the Internet and that's why they're- number and everythin' and that's why they're using our number to terrorize you.
Liquid Bob: Well uh that probably answers some random number- back when I was little boy we used to just type in random numbers and the-phone just make ran- calls. I'm not proud of it or anythin' that's just what we did, it's none of this scary stuff that involves computers and everything; we did it in good fun we weren't tryin' to be antagonistic about it.
Bob: Well there you are- for a while there they were even trying to talk my son into committing suicide over the Internet.
Liquid Bob: Well that's just wrong.
Bob: Yeah it's disgusting and the federal government won't do a thing to help us- or the local government or anybody.
Liquid Bob: Have you gotten the police involved yet?
Bob: It's just uh- it's just we've learned how to cope with it that's all.
Liquid Bob: That's a-that's a shame. I hope they- you know- don't go too far with this or you better get the police involved.
Bob: We have but they don't do anything; they say this is an Internet matter it's federal government
Liquid Bob: Apparently-
Bob: -federal government says we don't have any money.
Liquid Bob: -according to my son the police say we don't give crap about goes on the Internet; they only care if it goes on-
Bob: That's absolutely correct.
Liquid Bob: Well uh I have to be going now Mister Chandler it's uh-
Bob: -sorry, sorry somebody's been botherin' you but it ain't us.
Liquid Bob: I'll just keep-I'll just- I'll block uh this whoever spoofin' me from now on. Well thank you for clearin' this up I uh hope things go better for you and your son. Have a good day sir.
Bob: We've learned to just ignore it.
Liquid Bob: You should. Well have a good day and I hope the winter months don't give you the cold shoulder [laughs]
Bob: I'll be alright.
Liquid Bob: Alright take care now.

Snake Productions Calls Bob Chandler

Not much of a prank, but rather an informative call. From this brief conversation between troll and dad we learn that Bob is fully aware that Chris posted their dox in numerous places on the Internet, and actually thinks his son is a better person.

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Transcript

Bob: Hello?
Troll: Oh, hello?
Bob: Hello? Why you ringin' my number?
Troll: Oh, oh, hey, um, I've been hearing that, uh...
Bob: Why you ringin' my number?
Troll: Um, your son's kinda like getting you through some trouble on the, uh...online. He's giving out his- giving out your home phone number.
Bob: My home phone number's been on the Internet four years, and I don't care. Now why you callin' my number?
Troll: Yeah, your...I think you heard about how your, uh, videos of your house were on the Internet?
Bob: I've heard a lot of stuff, and most of it is a bunch of trash, okay?
Troll: Well, um...
Bob: Why you callin' my number?
Troll: W-w-w-w-w-wait a minute, wait. Um...
Bob: I'm gettin' kinda sick and tired of you people botherin' my home phone number. This is my private phone number, now get rid of it.
Troll: Wait, wait, I'm not trying to piss you off.
Bob: Yeah, you are, because you're comin' in on an unknown blocked number call.
Troll: Your-
Bob: If you were up and aboard and above board(?) and really doin' what you say you ki- think you're doin', then your number would come in along with your name.
Troll: [quietly] Shit, whatever lumberjack.
Bob: Yeah, you can't argue with that, can you? Now quit callin' my damn number and leave it alone!
Troll: Okay KKK cracker.
Bob: Okay, cracker.
[Troll snickers]
Bob: Get your act together. I'm 82 years old, and I've survived a long damn time. The way you're goin', you're not gonna make it very far.
Troll: Can't raise your damn son right.
Bob: I raised my son. My son is fine. My son has done a lot better than you have, he's a hell of a lot nicer than you are, he doesn't go around callin' people all the damn time.
Troll: Hey, I'm nice, but I'm just- I'm just trying to let you know, you're trying to, you're kinda being an ass on the other line.
Bob: No, I'm not being an ass. I'm just gettin' tired of you people out there thinkin' you're God's gift to the world when you're not.
Troll: W-well, I'm- I'm not thinking, I'm not-
Bob: Look at yourself in the mirror every morning, look at yourself...
Troll: I do.
Bob: ...and say "Now what do I do to deserve to judge other people?..."
Troll: Well, I'm not-
Bob: "...I'm so great that I can judge other people, and they're so damn far below me?" No, I think you should get off the phone and find yourself somethin' constructive to do as an entertainment.
Troll: Well, I'm just-
Bob: Thank you and good night.
Troll: Okay, bitch.
[call ends]

Chris calls Mary Lee Walsh and Michael Snyder

A troll using a soundboard of Chris prank calls Mary Lee Walsh and Michael Snyder. However, both realize the caller to be a fake and hang up.

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Transcript (Mary)

Mary: Hello, Mary Lee Walsh?
Chris (soundboard): You've been nothing but- nothing but a pain in my- a pain in my side! [talking over Mary] You weak little son of a bitch!
Mary: What are you- Who is this?
Chris (soundboard): [again talking over Mary] You shut up!
Mary: I'm sorry, who am I speaking to?
Chris (soundboard): My name is Christian Weston Chandler.
[silence]
Chris (soundboard): Pussy.
Mary: Um, who?
Chris (soundboard): My name is Christian.
Mary: Well, I'll track the number, what do you need-
Chris (soundboard): I invite you to come- I invite you to write this down.
[silence]
Chris (soundboard): Uh, yeah, you know my address, right? You got MapQuest to come all the way over?
[Mary hangs up]

Transcript (Michael)

Madeleine: The Game Place, this is Madeleine. How can I help you?
Chris (soundboard): Hello?
Madeleine: Hello?
Chris (soundboard): Uhh, who is this?
Madeleine: This is Madeleine.
Chris (soundboard): I'm sorry. Yeah, okay, well I've mis- I've misunderstan- okay, well I've- I've misun-
Madeleine: Can I help you with something?
[pause, faint whispering in the background]
Chris (soundboard): We have miscommunication.
[unintelligible; Chris and Madeleine talk at the same time]
Chris (soundboard): Uhh, who is this?
Michael: Christian.
Chris (soundboard): You weak little son of a bitch! [talking over Michael]
Michael: You wanna talk to me, you need to talk to me.
Chris (soundboard): Uh, yeah, you know my address, right? You got MapQuest to come all the way over?
Michael: Yeah, so?
Chris (soundboard): You can find me right now, I live at 14 Branchland Court in Ruckersville, Virginia.
Michael: I don't know who this is, but, uh, it's a waste of everbody's time.
Chris (soundboard): Shut the hell up.
[silence; Michael talks faintly in the background]
Chris (soundboard): Oh, come on!
[silence; Michael talks faintly in the background]
Chris (soundboard): You shut up!
[silence; Michael talks faintly in the background]
Chris (soundboard): Yeah.
[silence; Michael talks faintly in the background]
Chris (soundboard): Hello?
[silence]
Chris (soundboard): Pussy.
[redialed]
Michael: The Game Place, this is Mike. How may I help you?
Bob (soundboard): Listen, boy. You get yo black ass down a gutter and stay there.
[pause]
Bob (soundboard): How about you talk to my wife, maybe she can talk some sense into your head?
[pause]
Bob (soundboard): Hello?
[call ends]

Bob calls Cole Smithey

A troll using a soundboard of Bob prank calls Christian's half brother, Cole Smithey, but with little success...

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Transcript

Answering machine: Hi, you've reached Cole-
Cole: Hello?
Bob (soundboard): Hey, buddy.
Cole: Who is this?
Bob (soundboard): Listen, boy. You get your black ass down in the gutter and stay there.
Cole: Hahahahahahaha.
[Default Skype hanging up sound, Cole hangs up]
[Redial]
Answering machine: Hi, you've reached Cole at ["*Bleeped out number*" is displayed on the screen, accompanied by Chris screaming]. Please leave your telephone number twice, along with your message. Thanks. [beep]
Bob (soundboard): I'm Robert Chandler. Why don't you quit dialin' my number, and go somewhere and play a game with the gutter rats?
[Default Skype hanging up sound, troll hangs up]
[tape runs out]

Chris calls Golden Corral

The same troll from the above call utilizes his soundboard once again to prank Charlottesville's local Golden Corral. Lulz ensue when he engages in a verbal conflict with the restaurant Manager.

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Transcript

[Intro music: "I Love This Bar" by Toby Keith.]

Waitress: [unintelligible]
Chris (soundboard): Hello?
Waitress: Hello?
Chris (soundboard): How are you?
Waitress: Fine.
Chris (soundboard): I'm good!
[at the same time] What? / My name is Christian Weston Chandler.
Waitress: I can't understand you.
Chris (soundboard): My name is Christian.
Waitress: Uh-huh.
Chris (soundboard): You want me to caress your breasts?
Waitress: Aah, hold on.
Chris (soundboard): Yeah.
[pause; a radio can be heard playing in the background]
Chris (soundboard): Hello?
[silence]
Waiter 1 Good morning, this is [unintelligible] speaking. How can I help you?
Chris (soundboard): Hello?
Waiter 1 Hello?
Chris (soundboard): Shut the hell up. You've been nothing but a- you've been nothing but a pain in my- just a pain in my side!
Waiter 1 Hello?
Chris (soundboard): You shut up!
[pause]
Chris (soundboard): Oh, come on!
[call ends; redialed]
Waiter 2: Golden Corral, [unintelligible], how can I help you?
Chris (soundboard): What the hell. Why are you- why did you start doing this in the first place, you little son of a bitch!
[pause]
Chris (soundboard): Oh, come on!
[call ends; redialed]
Waiter 3: Golden Corral of Charlottesville, how can I help you?
Chris (soundboard): I invite you to come- I invite you to write this down. You can find me right now; I live at 14 Branchland Court in Ruckersville, Virginia!
[pause]
Chris (soundboard): Hello?
[call ends; redialed]
Waiter 4: Good morning, thank you for calling Golden Corral Charlottesville. [Unintelligible], how can I help you today?
Chris (soundboard): Uh, yeah, you know my address, right? You got MapQuest to come all the way over?
Waiter 4: Yeah, you should, [unintelligible], you need the address, man?
Chris (soundboard): Yeah.
[at the same time] [unintelligible] / 14 Branch-
Chris (soundboard): No. 14 Branchland Court. Ruckersville.
Waiter 4: I'm sorry, [unintelligible]?
Chris (soundboard): 14 Branchland Court.
Waiter 4: In Ruckersville; that's your address. I don't need your address; do you need our address?
Chris (soundboard): I invite you to come- I-
[pause]
Chris (soundboard): What time do you think you can be by my place?
Waiter 4: I'm not coming to your place.
Chris (soundboard): You weak little son of a bitch!
Waiter 4: Why would we come to your place, man?
Chris (soundboard): You've been nothing but a- you've been nothing but a pain in my- just a pain in my side!
Waiter 4: Man, I think you need to stop calling this number, because I don't know what's up, but obviously you've got some crossed signals somewhere, and you're calling our restaurant, and we do not deliver, and I don't know who you are, so [unintelligible] you need to stop calling, thank you.
Chris (soundboard): Oh, come on!
[call ends; redialed]
Waiter 5: Good afternoon, thank you for calling Golden Corral of Charlottesville, this is [unintelligible] speaking, how can I help you [unintelligible]?
Chris (soundboard): You shut up!
Waiter 5: Okay, look. Let me be really frank with you. Stop calling this damn number, bitch. Alright? [unintelligible] I suggest-
Chris (soundboard): Shut the hell up.
Waiter 5: [unintelligible]
Chris (soundboard): You shut up!
[call ends; redialed]
Manager: Hello!
Chris (soundboard): At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.
Manager: Who is this?
Chris (soundboard): My name is Christian.
Manager: Why do you keep calling here?
Chris (soundboard): You've been nothing but a- you've been nothing but a pain in my- just a pain in my side!
Manager: [unintelligible]
Chris (soundboard): My name is Christian Weston Chandler.
Manager: Christian what?
Chris (soundboard): Christian Weston Chandler.
Manager: Okay, well, you need to stop calling us [unintelligible], okay?
Chris (soundboard): No.
Manager: Yeah; otherwise I'm going to have to call the police.
Chris (soundboard): 14 Branchland Court. Ruckersville.
Manager: 14 Branchland Court, Ruckersville.
Chris (soundboard): Go ahead, go ahead and take it to the police!
Manager: I will, because we have no idea who you are!
Chris (soundboard): Yeah.
Manager: Now, do you have a home number? I can have somebody from our [unintelligible] contact you.
Chris (soundboard): No.
Manager: [unintelligible] so you don't want us calling your damn phone, do ya?
Chris (soundboard): 14 Branchland Court.
Manager: Yep, that's what I'm writing down, man. And, uh, stop calling the damn phone, okay? 'Cause you're crazy.
Chris (soundboard): I don't know.

Phone Harassment

A troll using a soundboard of Bob harasses several people over the phone. Lulz ensues.

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Transcript

Frankie: [Unintelligible] How may I help?
Bob (soundboard): I'm 82 year old man.
[Pause]
Bob (soundboard): Who are you?
Frankie: Do you have a question for a [Unintelligible] this mornin'?
Bob (soundboard): Okay. Can I explain something to you?
Frankie: Okay.
Bob (soundboard): Listen, boy. You get your black ass down in the gutter-
Frankie: [Interrupting, unintelligible]
Bob (soundboard): - And stay there.
[Call ends]
Bob (soundboard): I don't care what you are or who you are.
[Redial]
Frankie: Hi this is Frankie can I help you?
Bob (soundboard): Hello? Hello?
Frankie: Hello this is Frankie, can I help?
Bob (soundboard): Yeah, I'm 82 years old but I was born in Fort Worth. Who are you?
Frankie: [Unintelligible] Thank you, bye.
[Call ends]
Bob (soundboard): Listen you motherfucker! You get your black ass down in the gutter.
[Redial] Frankie: [Unintelligible] Can I help?
Bob (soundboard): Can I explain something to you? Can I do that?
Frankie: No.
[Call ends]
Bob (soundboard): Well let me explain something to you.
[Redial]
Frankie: [Unintelligible], How can I help?
Bob (soundboard): Hey buddy, I have a cousin who lives in Tulsa, we're basically a neighbor of yours. Who is this?
[Call ends]
[Calls Blockbuster]
Jarred: Blockbuster Video, Jarred speaking, how may I help you?
Bob (soundboard): Who are you and what's goin' on?
Jarred: Huh?
Bob (soundboard): Hello?
Jarred: Hello?
Bob (soundboard): Why are you calling on me on a Sunday afternoon?
Jarred: I'm... not, may I ask who this is?
Bob (soundboard): Cut it down. I'm Robert Chandler. Why are you callin' my phone?
Jarred: I haven't placed a call today.
Bob (soundboard): Why are you fucking my phone?
Jarred: Excuse me?
Bob (soundboard): Listen boy. Why are you fucking my phone?
Jarred: Um.
Bob (soundboard): Okay.
Jarred: Yeah, I'm gonna to go ahead and hang up. Thank you.
Bob (soundboard): You the mayor of Big Daddy's pizza? Is that what you said?
[Ends call]
[Redial]
Jarred: Hello, Blockbuster Video, Jarred speaking.
Bob (soundboard): Now listen you motherfucker. You get your black ass down in a gutter and stay there. Okay?
Jarred: I'm, I'm not sure what you're on about, but I haven't placed a call today.
Bob (soundboard): Let me explain something to you. I didn't call you, but I'm tryin' to explain how these people do it! Okay?
[Pause]
Bob (soundboard): May I explain something to you?
Jarred: Go ahead.
Bob (soundboard): I live in Ruckersville, Virginia. I was born in Fort Worth. I'm basically a neighbor of yours. You come over here and I show you what's the matter.
Jarred: Sir I'm in [Clipped] Kentucky, I'm not anywhere near-
Bob (soundboard): [Interrupting] Oklahoma! I've got a lot of Cherokee relatives that live in your state also.
Jarred: Right.
Bob (soundboard): Yes. I've got a lot of Cherokee relatives that live in your state also. So I'm a neighbor.
Jarred: Okay.
Bob (soundboard): Why are you calling on me on a Sunday afternoon?
Jarred: I haven't called you sir.
Bob (soundboard): I'll let you talk to my wife, maybe she can talk some sense into your head.
Jarred: Very well.
Barbara (soundboard): Hello there!
Jarred: Hello.
Barbara (soundboard): There are a lot of- lot of weird people out here and we didn't have-we didn't have anything to do with this damn...uh...thing that's going on.
Jarred: Didn't having anything to do with what that's going on? You cut off for a second.
Barbara (soundboard): Sir or ma'am, or whatever the hell you are. Don't you call up here-now look don't you call up here cussing at my husband.
Jarred: I haven't called, nor cursed at all.
Barbara (soundboard): You get your gutter ass out in the gutter and shut up!
Jarred: Oh, very well.
Bob (soundboard): Well I'm trying to be nice to you and to explain what's happening.
Jarred: I'm trying to understand, but I'm not quite getting it because there has not been a phone call placed from this phone today. This is a Blockbuster Video, and we don't call out.
Bob (soundboard): I didn't call you but I'm tryin' to explain how these people do it. There is on the Internet.
Jarred: Yes.
Bob (soundboard): A bunch of trolls, and these these trolls have found somewhere somebody that have engineered a set of software that allows them to call people on the telephone and put in any particular number they want to put in as the caller ID.
Jarred: Righ- [Unintelligible, being talked over]
Bob (soundboard): Okay. They have the program in their computer that allows them to dial numbers, anywhere in the country and put in as the caller I.D., any particular telephone number they want too.
Jarred: Right.
Bob (soundboard): S-P-O-O-F-I-N-G. Now this the telephone company knows about this and the federal government knows about this, to the point where they even gived it a name called spoofing.
Jarred: Uh huh.
Bob (soundboard): Now they persecute people. You called me. Why are you calling me? I'm 82 years old. I'm an 82 year old man. Okay, cool it down, I'm trying to be nice to you. Okay?
Jarred: And I'm trying to be nice, but I'm, as I said, the, we, if some is indeed hacking our number, we did not actually place the call.
Bob (soundboard): Good. Okay?
[Ends call]
[New call]
Dude: Hello?
Bob (soundboard): Let me explain something to you. Can I explain something to you?
Dude: Who, who you tryin' to reach?
Bob (soundboard): S-P-O-O-F-I-N-G. Okay? Can I do that?
Dude: No!
Bob (soundboard): Spoofing. Can I do that?
Dude: No.
Bob (soundboard): You shouldn't be upset like that. I'm an 82 year old man. Cut it down.
[Call ends]
[New call]
Sam: Sam (Anses?), how can I help you?
Bob (soundboard): Hello?
Sam: Hello.
Bob (soundboard): Why you callin' me? Why are you calling my phone?
Sam: hello? Who's this? Hello?
Bob (soundboard): I'm Robert Chandler. Can I explain something to you?
Sam: What?
Bob (soundboard): Let me explain something to you. Listen, you motherfucker, you get your black ass down in the gutter and stay there. Okay?
Sam: Huh.
Bob (soundboard): Well right now it's midnight, what in the world do you want?
Sam: Uh, no one called your phone.
[Call ends]
[Redial]
Sam: Sam (Anses?), how may I help you?
Bob (soundboard): I'm 82 years old, now I live in Ruckersville, Virginia. Hehe, you come over here and I'll show you what's the matter.
Sam: [Unintelligible, away from the phone] Called me twice, [Unintelligible]
Other Guy: Hello!
Bob (soundboard): Hello, I beg your pardon?
Bob and the Other Guy at the same time: Hello?/Hello?
Bob (soundboard): And I live in Ruckersville, Virginia. Hehe, you come over here and I'll show you what's the matter.
Other Guy: I'm sorry?
Bob (soundboard): Why are you calling my phone?
Other Guy: Who's calling your phone?
Bob (soundboard): Cut it down. Can I do that? Can I explain something to you?
Other Guy: You can do whatever you want, I don't know who the hell you are or what you're calling me for.
Bob (soundboard): I'm Robert Chandler. Let me explain something to you. There is on the Internet, a, a bunch of trolls, that have engineered a set of software that allows them to call people on the telephone and put in any particular number they want to put in as the caller ID. Now this the telephone company knows about this and the federal government knows about this, to the point where they even-
Other Guy: [Interrupting] Okay, and how does this relate to me? I'm at work here, can I help you with something?
Bob (soundboard): Spoofing, S-P-O-O-F-I-N-G.
[Call end]
Bob (soundboard): Cut it down.
[New call]
Perry: [Unintelligible] This is Perry, how may I help you?
Bob (soundboard): Hello?
Perry: Yes.
Bob (soundboard): Can you speak slowly, and one syllable at a time, so I can understand you?
Perry: This is the Fairfield Inn at West Des Moines. Can I help you?
Bob (soundboard): Okay. Can I explain something to you?
Perry: Yeah, sure.
Bob (soundboard): Why are you calling my phone?
Perry: Oh man up!
[Call ends]
[Redial]
Perry: [Unintelligible] Crystal Inn, West Des Moines, this is Perry, how may I-
Bob (soundboard): Listen boy.
[Talking over each other]
Bob (soundboard): I'll let you talk to my wife, maybe she can talk some sense into your head.
Perry: [Unintelligible] if you have a crap with me, why don't you go ahead and call the police, have them get a hold of me, otherwise you stop bugging this facility-
Bob (soundboard): [Interrupting, talking over]
Perry: I'll have the phone tapped, and we'll find your dumb, old ass, and you know you told me you were going to kill yourself once, why don't you go ahead-
Bob (soundboard): [Interrupting, again] You get your black ass down in the gutter and stay there. Well, who do you think I am?
[Call end]
Bob (soundboard): Bastard!
[Redial]
Perry: [Unintelligible] suites, West Des Moines, this is Perry, how can I help you?
Barbara (soundboard): Hello there! [Talking over Perry] Sir, or ma'am, or whatever the hell you are.
[Call ends]
[Redial]
Perry: [Unintelligible] suites in West Des Moines, this is Perry, how can I help you?
Bob (soundboard): Well, I'm tryin' to be nice to you, and explain what's happening.
Perry: Have them call me.
Bob (soundboard): You shouldn't be upset like that.
Perry: [Unintelligible], so, this is my last warning to you, do not-
Bob (soundboard): No!
Perry: -call here again.
Bob (soundboard): Cool it down, I'm tryin' to be nice to you.
Barbara (soundboard): Hang up the phone and forget the number!
[Call end]
[Redial]
Perry: Good day, Fair Field Suites at West Des Moines, my name is Perry, how can I help you?
Bob (soundboard): Why are you callin' my phone?
Perry: Dude, you need to lay off whatever you're doing. Stop calling here, this is a business.
Bob (soundboard): Can I explain something to you?
Perry: What town do you live in?
Bob (soundboard): I live in Ruckersville, Virginia.
Perry: Well then, you call the police there, you have them call me.
Bob (soundboard): [Interrupting and talking over] Hehe, you come here and I'll show you what's the matter.
Perry: I'm too busy to deal with this sir, lay off the alcohol. Goodbye.
Bob (soundboard): Hehe, you come here and I'll show you what's the matter.
[Call ends]
Bob (soundboard): Bastard!
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Frank Garrett?
Bob (soundboard): Hello?
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Frank Garrett?
Bob (soundboard): Hello? Can I explain something to you? Can I do that?
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Frank Garrett?
Bob (soundboard): You're being a victim of the Internet people that persecute people.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): You don't say?
Bob (soundboard): Can I help explain something to you?
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Frank Garrett?
Bob (soundboard): You get your black ass down in the gutter and stay there. Listen you motherfucker, get in your low-life gutter and stay there.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): You don't say?
Bob (soundboard): Why you fuck my phone?
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Frank Garrett?
Bob (soundboard): Why you fuck my phone?
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Frank Garrett?
Bob (soundboard): Why you fuck my phone?
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Frank Garrett?
Bob (soundboard): Why you callin' my number?
[Video end]

Bob calls the US Department of Education

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Transcript

[Intro music: "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" by Smashing Pumpkins]
Larry: This is Larry speaking. How can I help you?
Bob (soundboard): Hello?
Larry: How are you doing today?
Bob (soundboard): I beg your pardon?
Larry: This is Larry speaking. How can I help you today?
Bob (soundboard): I'm Robert Chandler.
Larry: OK. And how are you doing today, Mr. Chandler?
Bob (soundboard): Good.
Larry: OK. And you called, sir... Did you say Robert Chandler?
Bob (soundboard): Yes.
Larry: All right. Um, last four of your Social was [redacted].
Bob (soundboard): Yes.
Larry: OK. I do have to let you know this call may be monitored for quality assurance. How can I help you today, Rob? You called in here?
Bob (soundboard): Who are you?
Larry: My name is Larry Griffin, sir.
Bob (soundboard): Why are you calling me?
Larry: OK, we're calling you Rob, we're calling you on behalf of the United States Department of Education, sir. I do have to let you know this call may be monitored for quality assurance. Um, we're calling about your student loans that are in default, sir.
Bob (soundboard): What?
Larry: Were you aware that complaints had been filed against you, Rob?
Bob (soundboard): No!
Larry: You didn't know? It's been in default since 1999.
Bob (soundboard): What?
Larry: Your student loans have been in default since 1999, Rob.
Bob (soundboard): I'm an 82-year-old man.
Larry: You said you're what?
Bob (soundboard): Yeah, I'm 82 years old. I was born in Fort Worth.
Larry: And the last four of your Social was [redacted], correct?
Bob (soundboard): Yes.
Larry: And do you have any children named Rob Chandler, as well?
Bob (soundboard): No!
Larry: You don't? OK. Well, the Department of Education filed a complaint against you. It's under your Social Security number, uh, in the amount of $24,461.
Bob (soundboard): I- I'm a Texan, now.
Larry: You're gonna what?
Bob (soundboard): I have a cousin who lives in Tulsa.
Larry: OK, this is for the University of Missouri in St. Louis. Did you go to, did you go to college?
Bob (soundboard): No!
Larry: Hmm. Well, they have your Social Security number...
Bob (soundboard): [Interrupting] I beg your pardon. I can't even understand what you're saying.
Larry: I'm calling about your student loans that are in default with the United States Department of Education, Rob. When you went to go to school, you had to fill out for some student loans. They're in default now, because you haven't paid 'em.
Bob (soundboard): You called me.
Larry: You said what?
Bob (soundboard): You're the one that made the call.
Larry: Right, we're calling to see if we can help you get your student loans out of default, before they go with further collection activity against you.
Bob (soundboard): Will you please quit calling me and leave my phone alone?
Larry: We're gonna call you, it's your Social Security number. You saying that's not gonna stop us from calling you. You owe a loan.
Bob (soundboard): Listen, you motherfucker...
Larry: You owe the government, Rob. Cussing is not getting you anywhere, Rob.
Bob (soundboard): Why don't you quit dialing my number...
Larry: Cussing is not doing anything, sir. Cussing is not doing nothing.
Bob (soundboard): Why don't you quit...
Larry: I mean, come on, now. You owe a loan, Rob.
Bob (soundboard): Why don't you...
Larry: Cussing is not a checkboook; it's not gonna pay your loan.
Bob (soundboard): Why don't you quit dialing my number, and go somewhere and play a game with a gutter rat.
Larry: [Talking over Bob] Rob, what you need to understand is that we're gonna call you because you owe the government, OK?
Bob (soundboard): Cut it out.
Larry: So we're gonna continue to call, Rob.
Bob (soundboard): Cut it out.
Larry: You owe a debt.
Bob (soundboard): I didn't call you, but I'm trying to explain how these...
Larry: [Interrupting] Right. Right, we're calling you, to try to help you out, so you can get your loans out of default. You being mean and cussing is not helping nobody out.
Bob (soundboard): You shouldn't be upset like that.
Larry: Rob, I'm not upset. I'm trying to help you out. You're the one upset cussin'.
Bob (soundboard): Cut it down.
Larry: Cut it down?
Bob (soundboard): Cut it out.
Larry: Cut it out, come on, now. Rob, do you want to handle this voluntarily or not?
Bob (soundboard): Yes.
Larry: Huh? You do?
Bob (soundboard): No!
Larry: OK. So you're not workin' right now, Rob? You're not receiving any income?
Bob (soundboard): No!
Larry: OK. So who, how have you been surviving then?
Bob (soundboard): Well, right now it's midnight. What in the world do you want?
Larry: I wanna get your loans out of default, Rob! That's why we're calling you, because you have student loans that are in default with the United States Department of Education.
Bob (soundboard): Then why did my phone ring?
Larry: Didn't you just call in?
Bob (soundboard): No!
Larry: Did you just call in here?
Bob (soundboard): No!
Larry: You didn't just call in here? I mean, I just answered the phone, Rob.
Bob (soundboard): I don't have an issue problem with anybody, but please quit calling my number.
Larry: Rob, we're gonna call you because you owe the Department of Education. You owe the government money, Rob, that's why we're calling you. Because if you don't wanna pay...
Bob (soundboard): I'm just not answering my telephone.
Larry: ...we still have to call you, OK?
Bob (soundboard): I haven't called..
Larry: Do you wanna get your student loans out of default?
Bob (soundboard): I haven't called your house. I'm the one who picked up the phone and said, "Hello."
Larry: Right, right, right, so we're trying to help you out, Rob. Do you wanna get your student loans out of default?
Bob (soundboard): No!
Larry: You don't want... do you want them to go into garnishment against you?
Bob (soundboard): I don't need your crap.
Larry: My crap? I mean, Rob... What are, what are you talking about?
Bob (soundboard): Get in your low-life gutter and stay there.
Larry: Low-life gutter and stay there? Are you serious? This is...
Bob (soundboard): [Talking over Larry] Listen, boy.
Larry: ...not how to get your loans out of default. I'm not a boy.
Bob (soundboard): Listen, listen, you motherfucker!
Larry: I'm not that, either, OK? Rob, do you want to handle this voluntarily or not? I need to know what to document your account as.
Bob (soundboard): Why are you calling my phone?
Larry: We're calling you for the... Rob, I'm gonna say this for the fifth time. We're calling you to let you know you have student loans that are in default with the United States Department of Education. We need to make you aware of what's going on, Rob. OK?
Bob (soundboard): I don't know who you are and who you think I am.
Larry: Were you aware of this? I think you're Rob Chandler, last four of your Social [redacted], and that's why I did let you know this call may be monitored for quality assurance.
Bob (soundboard): I'm Robert Chandler.
Larry: Right, last four of your Social were [redacted]...
Bob (soundboard): Yeah, I'm 82 years old.
Larry: ...[unintelligible] against you in the amount of $24,461.
Bob (soundboard): Yeah, I'm 82 years...
Larry: So we're seeing if this could be handled voluntarily, before they keep the account and go forward with further collection activity against you.
Bob (soundboard): Yeah, I'm 82 years old, but I was born in Fort Worth.
Larry: You're 82 years old?
Bob (soundboard): Yes.
Larry: Do you live at 1040 Clare Ridge Place?
Bob (soundboard): So I'm a neighbor.
Larry: Huh?
Bob (soundboard): I was born in Fort Worth and I live in Ruckersville, Virginia.
Larry: OK. And the last four of your Social is [redacted]. You don't live on Clare Ridge Place?
Bob (soundboard): You come over here and I'll show you what's the matter.
Larry: I'll come over there and you'll show me what?
Bob (soundboard): You come over here and I'll show you what's the matter.
Larry: OK, OK, Rob, look. What are we gonna do here? This back and forth with you cussin' on the phone is not helpin' nobody out. It's not makin' nobody a better man.
Bob (soundboard): Why are you calling my number?
Larry: So what is, what is, what is the purpose of this call, Rob?
Bob (soundboard): Why are you calling my phone?
Larry: Well, actually, you called in here. I answered the call, Rob.
Bob (soundboard): Will you please quit calling me, and leave my phone alone?
Larry: Rob! I did not call your line, I answered the line.
Bob (soundboard): OK?
Larry: [They are talking over each other until the final line.] You know what, Rob?
Bob (soundboard): I don't know what you are, or who you are, and I don't really care..
Larry: All right. You know what? I'ma just mark this as a refusal to pay, Rob.
Bob (soundboard): ...but you're invading my privacy, and you're cussin' at me, and I don't...
Larry: [Unintelligible] refusal to pay.
Bob (soundboard): What?
[Exit music]

Chris calls the Ku Klux Klan

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Transcript

Receptionist: [cut off] -eadquarters.
Chris (soundboard): Good evening, sir, how are you?
Receptionist: Good! What can we do for you?
Chris (soundboard): I invite you to come- I invite you to write this down: 14 Branchland Court.
Receptionist: And what would I be writing that down for?
Chris (soundboard): What time do you think you can be by my place?
Receptionist: I'm not sure if I'm coming to your place! Why should I come there?
Chris (soundboard): My name is Christian Weston Chandler. What time do you think you can be by my place?
Receptionist: I think in about 30 seconds I'm gonna hang up if you don't explain to me what this is about.
Chris (soundboard): I'm high-functionally autistic. I am Internet-famous for being the original creator of Sonichu and Rosechu, the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. What can I do to make up for that?
Receptionist: Umm... you know, that and two cents will get you probably anywhere you want to go I guess, umm... I don't know why I should come to you. Uh, people come here. We have a national headquarters, we have a business here. And, uh, that's the way to go.
Chris (soundboard): Oh, come on!
Receptionist: Uh-huh. That's what I thought. Goodbye now!

Chris calls PETA

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Transcript

Receptionist: Thank you for calling PETA.
Chris (soundboard): Good evening, sir, how are you?
Receptionist: I'm a lady, but I'm good, how are you?
Chris (soundboard): I'm doin' good. Oh, things have been great for me, you know, I just finished the dating episode, it is fantastic!
[pause]
Chris (soundboard): Hello?
Receptionist: Wha- you did what?
Chris (soundboard): I'm good!
Receptionist: Uh- I'm sorry, I really don't know what you're talking about, you're not making any sense.
Chris (soundboard): My name is Christian.
Receptionist: Alright, that's cool. How can I help you?
Chris (soundboard): I invite you to come- I invite you to write this down:
Receptionist: You what-?
Chris (soundboard): 14 Branchland Court. Ruckersville.
Receptionist: ...What?
Chris (soundboard): You can find me right now, I live at 14 Branchland Court in Ruckersville, Virginia!
Receptionist: You need to turn your radio down or whatever you're screaming into, it's not working very well. I don't under- is there something I can help you with?
Chris (soundboard): Yeah.
Receptionist: Okay. What is it, let me try to help you.
Chris (soundboard): I'm 27. I'm currently living with my mother and my father. I'm high-functionally autistic.
Receptionist: That's alright. I'm 28. I live on my own. I'm not autistic. But that's okay too, I mean do you have questions about animals?
Chris (soundboard): Yes.
Receptionist: Alright, what are they?
Chris (soundboard): I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.
Receptionist: Okay. Experience for what?
Chris (soundboard): So, uh, did you get the comic pages I sent you?
Receptionist: I don't know, um, we might've. We're a really- we're kind of a big organization and I don't really work in that department. Um...
Chris (soundboard): Uh, who is this?
Receptionist: Do what?
Chris (soundboard): Uh, who is this?
Receptionist: This is a- this is the front desk.
Chris (soundboard): Yeah.
[pause]
Chris (soundboard): Well, I'm speechless at the moment.
Receptionist: So I would see, uh, I wouldn't see anything that you sent.
Chris (soundboard): I am full of surprises!
Receptionist: You- I know, you sound like it! That's exciting. I love surprises.
Chris (soundboard): Yeah.
Receptionist: Yep. Um, well, do you have any questions about anything or is there someone I can direct you to? Um...
Chris (soundboard): Yeah.
Receptionist: [giggles] Okay, um, well, what are they?
Chris (soundboard): I'm high-functionally autistic.
Receptionist: Okay! Um... that's- that's cool. Um... that's alright. Um, do you have any questions about what's going on with animals or, I mean, you're calling PETA so I'm trying to get you through to the right person. I have a question.
Chris (soundboard): I'm happy to oblige with an ans- with an honest answer.
Receptionist: Okay. Why are you calling from a number that I get a lot of prank calls from?
Chris (soundboard): No.
Receptionist: [giggles]
Chris (soundboard): I don't know!
Receptionist: Okay, well, um, I am trying to help you out with answering some questions and if you don't have any I'm going to let you go, but when you do have some questions you could always call us back but we close, um, at, we close in about eight minutes.
Chris (soundboard): I did not mean to give off the impression of being crazy.
Receptionist: No, I don't feel like you're crazy, I feel like maybe you just don't have, um, your questions together yet, so if you want to, you can put them together and then give us a call back!
Chris (soundboard): Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.
Receptionist: It would be less frustrating for you. I can do this all day.
Chris (soundboard): Yeah.
Receptionist: Yeah. Okay, um, well, I'm gonna let you go, but have a lovely evening and, um, if you have any questions just feel free to give us a call back tomorrow and maybe at a better time, okay?
Chris (soundboard): Yeah.
Receptionist: Okay, well you have a really good night, and, um, hopefully we'll be able to answer some questions soon, okay?
Chris (soundboard): Good evening.
Receptionist: Alright, bye-bye.

Chris Chan hates Frank Garrett

A Troll using various prank victim soundboards calls Chris. Chris once again proves his low intelligence by pretending to be his voicemail.

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Transcript

Chris: Hello I am un-un... I am unavailable to take your call right--
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Hello you Stupid Mother Fucker You! [--talking over Chris]
Chris: Please call back later, goodbye.
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Well I don't give a shit!
Jackass Plumber (soundboard): You sick bitch!
[redialed]
Chris: Didn't ya hear me? I said quit calling and call back another time!
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Who gives a shit?
[redialed]
Chris [Answering Machine]: Hello you have reached the cellphone of Christian Weston Chandler--
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Oh Fugg Kyew Fat Boy! [--talking over Chris]
Chris [Answering Machine]: I'm sorry I can't answer right now but please-- (stops abruptly)
Officer Martin (soundboard): Nobody's calling your number.
[Video ends]

Call Bobby Chandler

Two faggots uploaded a video on 21 September 2010. The two individuals call up Bob and ask him only two questions before the conversation takes a turn for the worse. In the nine minutes that followed, we learned that Bob graduated from Auburn University, was an Eagle Scout and Scoutmaster for 20 years in the Boy Scouts, and that he is in fact a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

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Transcript

(trolls giggling; phone rings three times)
Bob: Hello?
Troll 1: Hello.
Bob: Hello!
Troll 1: Mr. Chandler?
Bob: Who is this?
Troll 1: This is Answer Me Sanchez.
Bob: Who is Anthony Sanchez?
Troll 1: No, Answer Me Sanchez! I’d like to, ah, ask you a few questions, if, ah, um, you wouldn’t mind.
Bob: Well, I don’t know if I’ll give you any answers.
Troll 1: Well, do the best you can, I guess. Number one, um: have you ever heard of a website called bangbus.com?
Bob: No, I’m not on the Internet.
Troll 1: Okay, um, two: What scares you more, a black man living in your neighborhood, or a gay man living in your neighborhood?
Bob: I don’t think that’s any of your business.
Troll 1: Well, um, I um, am doing this for…research and statistics. And I, um…
Bob: (interrupts) It’s still none of your business.
Troll 1: What if, what if I had, uh, a hooker give you a blowjob?
Bob: It’s none of your business. (pause) Just, just quit bothering my telephone and get the hell…
Troll 2: (interrupts) Tell your son to stop drinking his semen!
Troll 1: Wait, wait, Bob, okay, I’ll skip that question.
Bob: You're, you’re just being an asshole, is what you're doing.
Troll 2: Your son's an asshole!
Troll 1: Bob, um, um, relax! All right, all right, that was an insensitive question. You’re right; let’s skip that.
Bob: You got no reason to know this kind of stuff.
Troll 1: Bob, relax, relax; take your medicine. And relax.
Bob: I am relaxed, fella.
Troll 1: Well, um, good, um.
Bob: I’m sick and tired of you calling up on my telephone.
Troll 1: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Bob, are you going senile?
Barbara: (inaudible)
Troll 1: Nah, don't listen to Snorlax! You - ugh, she has you pussy-whipped. Stop listenin' to her.
Troll 2: Bob, man, you fought in Korea, man. Just listen to what my friend has to say and tell your wife to shut up.
Troll 1: Yeah, I mean, come on…
Bob: If you guys would just go to college or do something and…
Troll 1: I am in college!
Troll 2: I’m in college, too, and I’m actually doing something with my degree, unlike Chris!
Bob: Try doing something constructive with your life.
Troll 2: I am, unlike your son.
Troll 1: That’s kind of ironic, given your son doesn’t do jack shit with his degree.
Troll 2: Yeah! Honor rolls, my ass!
Bob: I have my degree, fella.
Troll 2: No, your son! Your retarded son who drinks semen!
Troll 1: I'm not talkin' about you, I'm talkin' about your son. The one that drinks his own sperm?
Troll 2: Yeah, eats McDonald's?
Bob: He has his degree also.
Troll 2: He doesn’t do nothin' with it, though.
Troll 1: What’s he got with it? What’s he done with it?
Bob: It doesn’t matter what he’s done with it, it's none of your fucking business.
Troll 1: It does, 'cause you're telling us - 'cause you're telling us to go to college.
Troll 2: Yeah, you're telling us to go to college, w - I wanna know what your son's done. What's he done?
Bob: It’s none of your business.
Troll 2: It is, 'cause he tells us on the Internet. It’s everybody’s business now.
Troll 1: Yeah!
Bob: It’s none of your business. Why don’t you (inaudible, interruptions) quit bothering us, or I won’t answer your phone at all!
Troll 2: (indistinct) Jesus, man.
Troll 1: Okay, all right, you know what, let's skip that question since it's obvamously - um, it might make him shit his pants and get - (stammers) Let's skip that question.
Bob: Listen, fella -
Troll 1: Bob…
Bob: Hey.
(repeat ad nauseam for several seconds as Bob and Troll 1 try to speak over each other)
Bob: I'm talkin'… I’m talkin' to you, listen, I’m talkin' to you…
Troll 1: I'll get the stick!
Bob: (amid interruptions from trolls) Listen to me, you, I'm talkin' to you! I’ll tell you what I want you to know, okay? First, I am a graduate engineer. Okay?
Troll 1: (muttering) Oh my god.
Bob: Second, I worked forty years for GE, and I retired from GE. Third, I served this country and this world by creating at least ten patents and automating a whole lot of industry with a whole lot of stuff that you couldn’t live without. I’ve done my service to man kind.
Troll 2: What about your son?
Bob: I’m an old man now and I want to be left in peace by you fuckers out there.
Troll 2: Fuck you, you Klansman!
Troll 1: I’ve listened to what you had to say and I…
Troll 2: Fuckin' Klansman.
Troll 1: (garbled, inaudible babbling)
Bob: Well, I’m telling you this, I also spent my time as a scoutmaster. Okay, I was an Eagle Scout. I spent my time for twenty years…
Troll 2: Your son drinks his own semen, wears his mom’s underwear. He eats McDonald’s, he whacks off.
Troll 1: Are you telling me you’re a damn… Bob?
(more babbling)
Bob: When you get somethin' that you can tell me like that, then you call me back and tell me. Now you get your own life and stop botherin' mine. I can out-talk you any day of the week.
Troll 2: (talking over Bob) My son will never drink his own semen. My son will never wear his mom’s underwear. My son will never live in my house when he’s twenty-eight years old. My son does not have the Snorlax for a mother.
Troll 1: Bob, wait, hold on a second, relax. Everyone just relax. Bob, are you - you’re saying you’re a scout manager for NAMBLA?
Bob: No, I’m saying I was a scout master.
Troll 1: For NAMBLA, I got it…
Bob: For a scout troop. A scout troop! You know!
Troll 1: Yeah, yeah, for NAMBLA, I got you.
Bob: Boy Scouts!
Troll 2: Auhh, totally NAMBLA!
Troll 1: Yeah, NAMBLA. (lots of stammering) Um, okay, I mean, like, how many years did you do that for, for NAMBLA?
Bob: I was a scout master for almost 20 years.
Troll 1: Twenty years in NAM - that’s real impressive, I’m really impressed.
Bob: I have my Eagle Scout badge, which very few of you people out there have. Why don't you go get a life and get out there and do that kinda stuff too?
Troll 2: The Scouts are gay. The scouts are as gay as your son.
Troll 1: (nonsensical rambling) I think, you know, if I learn first-hand from someone that's experienced it, it might help me moreso in the real world, I mean, like, such as yourself. I mean, like, twenty years in NAMBLA -
Bob: I'm pretty, I'm - y'know, I would be embarrassed, if I were you -
Troll 2: (interrupting) I would be embarrassed to drink my own semen.
Bob: - y'gotta call up people and say "Look," y'know, "I’ve done so-and-so," when you haven’t done crap. Now you can't tell me any one thing you've done.
Troll 1: Like your son, right?
Troll 2: Well, your son drinks his own cum and wears his mom’s underwear.
Bob: I don’t care, we’re talking about me and we’re talking about my phone.
Troll 1: What about your phone? I…
Bob: This is my phone number, this is my phone that you’re bothering, and I'm sick and tired of it.
Troll 2: Chris gave us your number.
Troll 1: I-I just said that - I was just askin' you 'bout, what - your 20 years in NAMBLA, and you were talk - talkin' to me 'bout that, I was just sayin' like - uh, so what'd you do after?
Bob: Why don't you get something that you can brag about rather than tryin' to harass people all the time?
Troll 1: 'Cause I don’t brag, that's, that’s not my nature.
Bob: Well, that's fine. So all you can do is harass and bully, right?
Troll 2: (randomly interjects) Stop living in a house full of clutter!
Troll 1: I'm not harassing and bullying. I'm just asking you a question. You're just getting mad and, y'know -
Bob: Y'know I have friends in the Klu Klux Klan. [sic]
Troll 2: Oh my god, you're a fuckin' Na - oh ho ho! Holy shit!
Bob: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Troll 2: I’m so glad we’re recording this.
Troll 1: Are you part of the KKK yourself?
Bob: I was born and ra - I was raised in Alabama, so take your own judgment from that, fella.
Troll 2: Holy shit!
Bob: I went to school at Auburn's. It's in the heart of the Deep South, so you can take your, you can take your whatevers from that.
(excited gibbering from trolls)
Troll 1: So, from my understanding, you said you went to Auburn, right?
Bob: That’s right, I graduated there.
Troll 1: All right. So you’re telling me that most people who graduated from Auburn are in the KKK?
Bob: No, but I’m saying that a lot of them are. It’s in the heart of the Deep South.
Troll 1: Well, I just said "most people," but okay, yeah... So, I mean, what-
Bob: I’ve seen crosses burning, fella. I've seen 'em. And you don’t wanna see it.
Troll 1: Is Chris part of the KKK?
Bob: You don't wanna see it.
Troll 2: Wait, wait, wait - are you a member of the KKK, though, Bob?
Troll 1: Yeah. Yeah. All right.
Bob: I won’t say whether I am or not. If I had, I’d come up and see if I've got a white, uh, hood to put on.
Troll 2: Okay, Bob, all right, we’re just asking you a simple question.
Bob: Okay? Okay? Now get off my damn case and get a life for yourself.
Troll 2: My black girlfriend's gonna hate me for that.
Bob: Stop bein' a sad, pathetic individual.
Troll 2: Like your son, Bob?
Troll 1: Bob -
Bob: It doesn’t matter, we’re not talking about my son.
Troll 2: I’m talking about your son.
Bob: We’re talking about me, and we’re talking about you.
Troll 1: This is a big confrontation. (???) So when you tell us to get a life, why don’t you take those words and tell that to your son, instead of other people, when we’re just trying to ask you questions and learn about life ourselves?
Troll 2: Why you gotta get so hostile?
Bob: My son has a life.
Troll 2: Whatever happened to Megan?
Troll 1: Sonichu’s not a life, man!
Bob: My son’s a hell of a lot more creative than you are.
Troll 2: That’s why we’re talking to you and he doesn’t talk to you. Get it?
Troll 1: He says he doesn’t get along with you that well, so…
Troll 2: That’s what he puts on his website.
Bob: He gets along with me fine.
Troll 2: Not on his YouTube page.
Bob: Why don’t you get a life so you can come back and prove me that you’re capable and good enough to talk to me? I have helped my fellow man, and I have helped 'em for forty or fifty years.
Troll 2: You kinda failed at that.
Bob: (apparently misunderstanding) To hell with that? Yeah, to hell with that.
Troll 2: You've failed.
Bob: Why don't you go out and get a life and leave me in peace?
Troll 2: I have one, I’m fucking my black girlfriend every night. I have a black girlfriend! I'm happy!
Troll 1: Bob, tell me something. Do you know what the Pythagorean Theorem is?
Bob: I sure do.
Troll 1: What is it?
Bob: It’s for me to know and you to find out, my friend.
Troll 2: (inaudible) - bachelor's degree.
Troll 1: (sudden rage) You dumbass! What is it? It’s A squared plus B squared equals C squared!
Troll 2: HA! Check and mate.
Troll 1: Gosh, Bob! Come on! Failed, right there. (stammering) Do you know anything about the Golden Ratio?
Bob: Listen, fella, I have ten patents. In the realms of industrial automation.
Troll 1: I don't care about your rim jobs in the freaking -
Bob: I helped, I helped to design and, and, and create the computer.
Troll 2: No you didn’t!
Bob: I helped design and create and put the intercontinental mission in space.
Troll 2: No you didn’t!
Troll 1: (indistinct) - NAMBLA stickers on your computer?
Bob: Now when you can say something like that, you can call me back. Until then, shut your fucking mouth and get off my phone.
Troll 2: Epic fuckin' failure.
Troll 1: Hey Bob. Hey Bob. What would you say that (indistinct) I'm a multi-millionaire?
(Bob hangs up.)
Troll 2: He hung up, man. Oh my god!
Troll 1: That was fucking awesome.
Troll 2: Dude, man, we got him fucking admitting he’s a part of the KKK!
Troll 1: Dude, upload that shit now!
Troll 2: Got it! I'm a - I'm got - got - m'kay - got it. Got it.