Homos
Christian Weston Chandler refers to homosexual people almost exclusively by the pejorative term "homos". He doesn't like them very much. From the very beginning of his internet fame in 2007, his extreme opposition to homosexuality and his neurotic, obsessive demand that everyone "STAY STRIAGHT" have been the subject of many lulz and the target of many trolls.
Fear of being a homo
| “ | "Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes from a DVD (and if you'll pardon the expression), shove some pussy in my face. I tell you what, if I ever stoop down to changing my path, I might as well would get a gender change operation." | ” |
| Chris [1] | ||
Chris's homophobia is just that--he is literally afraid of homosexuality and of anything that could conceivably cause a straight person to be "leered off the straight path." His terror is such that he can barely bring himself to even utter the word "gay" or any other term concerning gay people, except of course for "homo". He has said that he cannot even look at a picture of a penis without being "freaked out," and he has cited several techniques he believes are necessary to maintain his sexual attraction to women. This attitude could be explained by one of two possibilities:
- Chris is a heterosexual idiot, so he thinks the slightest thing could turn him gay unless he maintains constant vigilance.
- Chris is a repressed homosexual, so he knows the slightest thing could turn him gay, because he can barely resist the temptation.
We don't yet have enough information to determine which of these is true. Until he kisses a man on the lips (currently scheduled for 2010), we may never know.
Hatred of homos
Chris animosity towards gay people seems to result primarily from his fear of them and their supposed ability/desire to make him gay. He has often characterized the trolls as homos, which is either a basic ad hominem attack or a sincere belief that anyone who draws penises on Rosechu must himself be gay.
Notably, in an IRC chat from 02 January 2009, Chris made this statement:
| “ | if I could have it my way, I'd make it illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "Deck the Halls" | ” |
| Chris, 02 January 2009, 11:59 | ||
On 18 February 2009, Chris issued a retraction of his previous homophobic remarks and declared that he respects "the gay people" like he respects his gal pals and his sweethearts (is he telling us something?). However, as this was mostly done at the insistence of Julie; by 10 March Chris was reciting verses from Leviticus 18 to justify his position against homos.
Evidence that Chris is a homo
Ironically, the harder Chris tries to convince people he's straight, the more gay he appears. He has absolutely no awareness that an uptight, milquetoast, squeaky-voiced man saying "I am straight! I have a subscription to Playboy!" every five minutes looks like he has something he's trying to hide. Further, the more we learn about Chris the more gay he really appears to be.
- He owns, or at least has owned, anal beads and a vibrator, and he is on record as having experimented with putting both toys in his anus. Although it is conceivable that you can stick things up your butt and still be straight, people who are terrified of being turned gay generally do not do this.
- Christian argues that the vibrator and anal beads were sent to him as a free gift with an order of straight pornography; he did not ask for them or pay for them. AdamAndEve.com, however, generally does allow for a choice of gift (usually a sex toy or a DVD) and the sex toy is usually based on the purchase. So surprise, Chris got something phallic because he must have ordered something that would suggest he would enjoy a phallic sex toy.
- Chris gets upset that people know he has the vibrator and anal beads, and he gets upset that people think he's gay because he kept the vibrator and anal beads...but he never gets upset that the store sent him the vibrator and anal beads in the first place. You would think that if a troll sent him a dildo he'd be throwing a fit about it on YouTube, but no.
- He collects My Little Pony figures well into early adulthood. 'Nuff said.
- For a straight man, he does guzzle a lot of cum.
- In Mumble chats, Chris has said loudly "ICH BIN SCHIEL JULIE, ICH BIN SCHIEL WITH ALL MY HEART!" which, while it is the Molvanian expression for "I love you", it also is (read: really, since Molvania isn't real) German for "I am gay."
- Christian has stated that if he were unable to stay straight he would undergo sex reassignment surgery; he would rather be female than gay. It should be noted that
99.9999999999996% ofstraight men never, ever, put this much thought into this hypothetical dilemma.
- On 05 February 2009 Chris posted two videos stating that he was coming out of the closet as a gay man. He later issued a retraction which was far less persuasive.
- He thought a heterosexual woman would be turned on by sending nudes of his ass.
- He wears a pink belt buckle
Defenses against becoming homo
It's hard work for a warrior of true love and honesty to stay straight. Luckily, Chris has a Sailor Moon poster which he stares at everyday to stave off his temptations of homoeroticism.
Chris also subscribes to Playboy to help keep himself straight. You can tell he's straight because when he's explaining what he finds attractive in women it only takes five minutes for him to get around to boobies and vaginas.
Chris on his alleged homosexuality
"I AM STRAIGHT, DAMN IT! I WILL NOT BE VEERED INTO ANY OTHER DISGUSTINGLY GROTESQUE DIRECTION!!!!!"[2]
"I'm STRAIGHT! I'm STRAIGHT! YOU'RE THE HOMOS! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU! [3]"
"I'm straight, don't doubt me![4]"'
"Listen, as hard as you fucking can, I CAME OUT OF MY AUTISTIC CLOSET AS A STRAIGHT MAN, and NOTHING ELSE. SO YOU IMMATURE JERKS CAN JUST FUCK OFF[5]."'
"Yep, you heard me. I am...a gaaaaaaaaay...bian. [6]"
"Anyway the, uh--anyway so, to get to the point...fine. I'm guhh. I'm gaaaay. I'm gaay. I said it...OK. Yep. So...did I really come out of the closet there? That just depends on y'all--how y'all understand it. [7]"
Sauces
- ↑ E-mail to Megan, "I'm sorry... *sigh*:; Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2007 3:10 pm
- ↑ Masturbating and squirtin'
- ↑ Captain's Log, Stardate August 3rd, 2008
- ↑ PS3 History Level
- ↑ IRC (20 January 2009)
- ↑ Captain's Log, Stardate February 5th, 2009#Transcript of the First Video
- ↑ Captain's Log, Stardate February 5th, 2009#Transcript of the Second Video
See Also
- Gaybian - A Male Lesbian, according to Chris.
- Chris and sex
- Chris and religion
- Gay 4 Sonichu