Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE
Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE (also known as CWC's Important Message 02242007 also known as Chris Chan's IMPORTANT MESSAGE) is a 24 February 2007 video in which, in celebration of his milestone 25th birthday, Chris proactively delivers his manifesto, and also summarizes the lessons he has learned in his life and how they should be applied by future generations of "Ladies and Gentlemen, girls and boys, and dudes of all teenages, as well as the gals."
This video proves that Chris is able to withstand direct sunlight for a considerable time before the inevitable mutation into his Vest-Man form. Compared to his current habitus, Chris appears more confident, stutters less, and is also less of a fattie in 2007.
Intended audience
As outlined in the video, Chris wanted it to be shown in local schools. To date it hasn't, possibly because the FBI would describe it as "grooming" children. Chris also posted it online as a fan teaser to his shitty autobiographical DVD, Christian Weston Chandler...Yep, I'm on TV :), that he was never going to show them regardless. His disappointed fans responded to this catch-22 situation by trolling him and getting their hands on the DVD, anyway.
Rundown
The video covers a myriad of topics Chris knows nothing about, like how to attract a sweetheart and how to stay straight.
- Why going to school, like waterboarding, is not torture.
- Why it is important to STAY STRAIGHT.
- How to attract a sweetheart.
- Boys should stroke the hair of a My Little Pony to understand girls.
- Girls should acquire Transformers to understand boys.
- Why every last ounce of "tobacky" should be sent to the moon.
- Why drinking is bad and leads to bar fights.
- Why anybody who disregards you is a "peanut".
- Why "straying from the straight path" will "jeopardize the entire world and the human race."
- For the love of God, STAY STRAIGHT!!!
- Girls should seriously consider the romantic advances of ugly, dumpy guys, "because they will likely have a better personality [...] and they may end up having a brighter future for themselves."
Watch
| “ | All Views Expressed in this video ARE THOSE TRUE AND SOLID OF MY SOUND MIND AND COMPLETE CONSCIENCE. Especially STAYING STRAIGHT!!! | ” |
Transcript
Ahem.... Hello, ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, and dudes of all teenages, as well as the, uh, gals. My name is Christian Chandler; I am here, and y'all are there. [chuckles] This message is for everyone of the present and the future, beyond this date: February 24th, 2007th. My birthday. My twenty-fifth birthday. [holds up two fingers]
I am High-Functioning Autistic, and in my twenty-five years, I have seen and learned so much. And today, I am share—intend to share some wise words that I hope each and every one of you will take to heart and will offer yourself and everyone else a better part of your future.
First off, remember that going to school is not a torture. It is a place of learning, a place for growing, a place where you form the spelling of your own opinions, your own feelings, and your own personality. So learn everything you are able to, and grow with it.
Now, you should also be able to try something for yourself, before forming praise or detest of it. As long as those things will not harm you, or shorten your lifetime in any way, it's totally cool.
What is totally NOT cool, though, is thinking or doing these things, which are very harmful to you, and definitely gr—will gross out those around you that don't do it, because I haven't done it and I don't like it—doing either of them. You should avoid at all costs smoking, drinking alcohol, and then taking any similar icky dangerous stuff. And smoking will eventually cause cancer, and it will—you'll be more likely to get heart attacks, viruses, and your life will be cut drastically short. They don't call cigarettes and cigars "death sticks" for nothing, other than killing you slowly. If I could, I would take every last ounce of tobacky, put 'em on a rocket, and shoot 'em up to the moon. And for, uh, alcohol, they'll cause, uh, liver dysfunction, kidney prob—kidney failures, and uh, not only that, but, when you get drunk enough, bar fights and automobile accidents. So it's a real slow-acting poison. And I haven't done either one, and look at me now, I'm, uh... [puffs out his chest] fit as a fiddle, and I'm livin' twenty-five, hopin' to live on to be about eighty to a hundred. And y'all—hopefully, y'all will get a chance to get up to that ripe old age, as well.
Now, among the better things you should definitely try before despising, is some of the hobbies of those of your own—opposite gender. Like, uh, for example, if you are a young gentleman, I recommend buying yourself a My Little Pony figure of your favorite color or whatever. Now, uh, stroking the hair of said pony is very relaxing and therapeutic, and also rubbing it against your cheek. That's... nice. And also, uh, you can pretend that, uh, the pony is, uh, that girl you want to take you wanna take out to—you wanna take out sometime, and talk to the pony like you would talk to the girl.
Now for the, uh, ladies I would recommend... a good old Autobot from Transformers. Because you can get to learn how to examine the mechanics... and variations of... each and every... I mean, of the, uh, Autobot you have... like, uh, you would tr—like you would learn how... a man... works. And it'll allow you to feel more comfortable in approaching, and talking to, that boy you've been flirtin' from a distance, or, uh, just have been, uh, flirting with from a distance. And, uh, hopefully, uh, all you have to do is just end up and say "hello". I mean, it's not so hard. All you have to do is say "hello" to the man, ladies; that's all. And everything will just get going from there. And also, uh, with the, uh, Autobot, while it's in vehicle mode you can pret—drive down that imaginary fast lane.
But any—in any case, uh, while few people may ridicule you, you should not worry about it, because most everybody will be o—totally okay with it, because it won't matter. It won't matter, because... [completely loses his place] ...they see you enjoyin' it, and it's totally cool, if you're enjoying it. So you enjoy it, just do it—don't worry about other people's opi—pinions. Because, uh, compared to the other schools, those people who disregard you are just total peanuts. And I'm not talkin' Charlie Brown; I'm talkin' 'bout the little nuts after the shells. The real peanut gallery. That would be peanuts, wouldn't it?
Also keep in mind that, while you're playin' with these things, you should keep in mind of what your true, original gender is. Because, uh, it's like you worry about that girl you want to take on a date—YOUNG MAN!—or, uh, likewise, you feel more comfortable to approach that boy—by just saying "hello"—that you've been checkin' out from a distance—YOUNG LADY!—and hopefully in due time or now, each and every one of you will STAY STRAIGHT. You know, girl for boy, boy for girl? Everything else is vice, as said by Doctor Kinsey. Not just for me, not for The Big Man Upstairs, not for your family, but do it for, uh, yourself, and for—and for the benefits of everyone in the future: your children, your children's children.... And, besides, if you stray away from the straight path, it can really jeopardize the entire future of the world and the human race.
Also, girls and ladies, don't just go over gaga, over the handsome rich boys... and men... because they may turn out to be disrespectful and distasteful in their personality. You should take into consideration all the other gentlemen that you may have considered, that may be less attractive, or equally—less or moderately. Because those will—because they will likely have a better personality that you will—that you will generally enjoy and like, and they may end up having a brighter future for themselves. Like, look at me now—I'm shootin' this movie for a DVD... that's gon—that I hope will be shown in a couple of schools, at least.
Now, uh, also, uh.... Also, when you—when each and every one of you has a true general understanding of the, uh, opposite gender, and after that—finding that special MAN—LADIES!—or that special GIRL—GENTLEMEN!—always keep the... heart and memories of times that you two felt most attracted to each other, because that will be a key point to recovering from any disputes or arguments that you two might have in the future. Otherwise, so you two will just be darn happy with each other. But it's not all always gonna be peaches and cream or strawberry shortcakes. [Chris sighs] And also remember, you two should KEEP each other, because there will be nobody else—no matter how much you think about it—nobody else that can replace that special someone—him for her or... her for him—there's just nobody else...there's no substitute for that first one.
And now, I leave you with the lessons that you should have—that I hope you have learned from my message. You should all—you should stay in school, learn as you much. And try before you praise and despise. Never smoke! Never drink! Never worry about how others think of you when you do things... or... when you play with things that may not s—that may not seem like you—or whatever. Don't be afraid to approach those of your opposite gender. And MOST IMPORTANTLY! PLEASE... STAY STRAIGHT. I leave you with those words, as I have shared with you on this, my twenty-fifth birthday, February 24th, 2007. I am Christopher "Christian" Weston Chandler. Live long, and shine on, in your very own unique way. War is never the answer; peace is. Never fight. Compliments will get you fuzzy-wuzzies. War gets you prickly-wicklies... as well as punches. They get you those, too. Thank you very much, and have a wonderful day.