For My Sweetest Ivy

“	Thank you for giving me another colorful character to see in my nightmares.	”
'Lauren', WBCN listener and resident of Bostonia.

Summary

On 1 May 2009, Chris sends a message to Ivy promising smoothies, Gilligan's Island, Family Guy, masses of porn-based sex, Guitar Hero, a romantic walk through the mall and many places with "green and sunlight" for the hermit crabs. On May 12th, this video was discussed on the morning show of Boston radio station WBCN. During the radio show, several normal, unenlightened people discuss how much of a creepy fuck Chris is. Notice that no matter how much the DJ tries to warp Chris's voice, the original is still the most disturbing.

Chris, for whatever reason, has elected to wear an actual suit for this video. The orange shirt he is wearing suggests this is the outfit he had in mind drawing himself at his wedding and honeymoon. Whether it's the slimming effect of black or the fact that he's in clothing other human beings might ever consider wearing, Chris actually looks presentable, at least by usual standards. Unfortunately, he then ruins the effect by speaking.

Video

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Transcript

Hey Ivy! I'm doing this video for yoooou. Oh, we are gonna have so much fun together when you and I are together! Hmmm! You know, my mommy and I--my, my family and I will come and meet you at the airport. And you know, your choice so--take you to your hotel or, uh, bring you back to...my house, hmmm. I mean, uh, you know, we'd be hanging around so much and sharing so many fondful memories.

Hmm. And you know, I few--I know a few good places in Charlottesville, you know, I think it's, you know, I'll take you there, we'll get some good things to eeeeeat, and we’ll hang ooouut. We’ll have so much fun. We’ll, uh, have a good time together, you know. I know a place that serves some great smoothies. Uh, yeah, the cafe, in Charlottesville. Good place. Serves good smoothies! And you know, we can enjoy a movie in the theatre, or in--at home, or watch a television rerun. Family Guy! Heh. Family Guy! Or, uh, I Love Lucy or I got some—I got the entire series of Gilligan's Island, hmmm. Hoo-hoo! Hmm, and we can make some music together on Guitar Hero. Hmmm. Well, you can sing, I got a microphone. I'm thinking about getting drums. [makes a drum sound]

Hmmm, yeah. And you know, I will see you in the--I look forward to the eventuality of, uh, you and me having our sex time together. Hmmm, I'll do you so many--I'll—-I’ll do my best to pleasure you and keep you satisfied, my sweetest Ivy, just for you. Just for you! Hmmm! I know a number of good positions and massages, hmm. Hmmm. And, you know, I know a number, uh, places we could walk around at, you know. We could walk about the mall! We could walk about the UVA grounds! Good places where there's plenty of green and sunlight.

Hmm, and wa--we can walk the hermit crabs together, hmm, talkin’ about—somethin’ like, how you might like to--how you might walk your hermit crabs, hmmmm. Hmmmm, so, you know, wonderful memories! Wonderful memories! We're gonna have lots of fun. We’re gon--I'll do my best--I'll do my best to keep you entertained, show you a good time, when we're having a good time. And I promise, I’ll remain your good boy forever and for always. And to get, uh, my friends up I've been talking to uh, between on the Internet, and in real life--my real friends, they can vouch for me on, uh, how good a boy I have been. Being a good boy just for you, Ivy. I love you so much, I love you so muuuuch! [pretends to hug her] Hmmmm. Hmmm, look at me smile, hmm. It's a nice smile. Because I love you, Ivy! I love you so much. I ran out of details. [laughs] I don't know. I guess I'll sing you a song.

[sings a variation of "Jolly Holiday" from Mary Poppins, attempting to immitate Dick Van Dyke's cockney accent]

It's a jolly ‘oliday
With Ivy
Ivy makes my heart so light
When the skies are grey
And ordinary
Ivy makes the sun shine bright.
Oh, happiness is blooming
All around ‘er
The daffodils are smiling
At the doves
When Ivy holds my hand
I feel so grand
My 'eart starts beating
Like a big brass band!

[mimes waving his hat over his head as he sinks to the floor, with his Playstation controller as the hat]

It's a jolly holiday with Ivy
No wonder that it's Ivy that I love.

You know something else, I should have uh, thought of--of doing this before, you know, to feel more positive, highlight for anybody who, uh, goes back on information. I should recreate, uh, something for MySpace or Facebook with all the positive highlights and all the true details that would not, uh, be, uh, somehow twisted in any erroneous way. I'll work on that. I will work on that. Because it's the honest truth from my head. From my head. I love you so much Ivy. I love you! I love youuu. [blows a kiss to the camera] Talk to you later, sweetheart.

[jump cut]

And also to your father the policeman, I salute him with my Cub Scout salute that I have favored for so long.