Sweetheart

Potential sweethearts surrounding Chris. Note: this never happened.

Sweetheart (which is something Chris will never have, save Rosey Palm and her five sisters) is Chris's term for his true love ("heartsweet" is also used in the comics). His goal is to build a sweetheart from the ground-up to give birth to his God-chosen daughter, Crystal Weston Chandler (named after the illustrious metal and a name similar to his own).

Providing Chris with a sweetheart who is really a troll has been a sport for trolls for some time now. With the exception of Julie and Sarah May, none of the trolls have revealed themselves. Some argue that this is because being a sweetheart to Chris is sort of like Stockholm syndrome, leading trolls such as Blanca and Panda to identify and sympathize with their captor.

Chris has absolutely no interest in a girl's personality, skills, individual interests or intelligence, but is very strict in his insistence that a sweetheart MUST be cute, younger than him, white, and possess other such completely superficial qualities. He will always say that his life goal is having a "Cute Girl" as his sweetheart. And yet he constantly considers himself a strong advocate of Women's Rights.

Qualifications for becoming a TRUE and HONEST sweetheart of Chris

Chris originally spelled out what he requires of a sweetheart in the early days of his Love Quest, using media such as the Attraction Sign and his Sonichu's News Dash newsletter. Recurring traits include:

• MUST be boyfriend-free. (can't emphasize that enough!) However, not even they are totally safe from Chris.
• MUST be 18 - (Chris's current age).
• MUST be white (NO DARKIES - unless it's just for sex, in which case Chris is fine with niggos).

• In an IRC chat, Chris clarified that Asians, Arabs and anybody but niggos are fair game.

• MUST have a car.
• MUST not be a mother.
• MUST be a non-smoker
• MUST have a mid to high salary.
• MUST live within 30 miles of the Ruckersville area.
• MUST NOT be a cop.
• MUST NOT have autism.
• MUST NOT be a man.
• IRISH need NOT apply. Irish are alright, as long as they're not darkies.

How Chris views himself.

Unfortunately, Chris has yet to realize that beggars cannot be choosers. However, If you fit all of the criteria and are into overweight, freakish, perverse man-children, then God help you!

Throughout the ages, Chris has lowered his standards slightly. For instance, Chris's original list of requirements stipulated NO FATTIES, but he later made an exception for Sarah Jackson. Likewise, Chris disapproved of redheads but made an exception for Ivy. While he may still insist on "non-black" women as his sweethearts, an image surfaced September 2009, showing us that Chris does not have problems fingering niggos.

The most noticeable deviation is from his original requirement that women approach him in person as opposed to by phone or e-mail. Following a wave of e-mails and other online communications from women wanting to be his e-girlfriend, Chris rapidly changed his tune. Ironically, this was the wisest standard he had set, as adhering to it would have saved him a good deal of grief from trollings.

Despite having said that girls should go after poorer, less attractive guys because "they will likely have a better personality", Chris doesn't seem to think that the same applies for the opposite gender. He still insists his sweetheart must be physically attractive and well-off enough to financially support him. Interestingly, despite the fact that his standards otherwise conform to traditional gender roles, Chris never says that his sweetheart must be shorter than he is.

In May 2009, when he started to embark on his abortive "fuck quest", Chris temporarily returned to seeking only in-person encounters. (He insisted that women find him "by chance", essentially requiring that they wander around Charlottesville until they found him.) Soon enough, however, he returned to pursuing women by way of the internet, with predictable results.

See also

• Love Quest
• Sweetheart from the Ground-Up