Sonichu Balls
This article is about the seven magic crystal spheres. For information on Sonichu's testicles, see Sonichu 8.
The Sonichu Balls are the seven big salty balls our heroes desperately yearn for. In the comic, Chris was once seen holding on tightly to a pair of these balls.
In the Official Videobooks Chris begins to refer to them as "Sonichu Crystals", presumably to quell all the balls jokes. Still, the story's still about a group of guys leaving their women behind as they all go out to look for multicolored crystals, so... yeah. He also calls them "Sonichu Ball Crystals" from time to time, making the whole endeavor pointless (and actually more gay).
Chris retconned the Balls yet again in Sonichu 10, where they became "Chaotic Crystals".
Despite all the retconning of the name, they don't resemble crystals in any way.
Introduction
One of the Sonichu Balls was first glimpsed in Sonichu #0, when Chris drew it for no apparent reason on some unused space of a page of Sub-Episode 1. The Sonichu Balls would not be mentioned again until Sonichu #6, when Magi-Chan theorizes that the combined power of "all seven" Sonichu Balls could free Crystal from the Dark Mirror Hole, based on the mirror's reaction to the one Sonichu Ball in their possession.
Magi-Chan never explains how he learned of the Sonichu Balls, or how they found the one he has. Nevertheless, the next several episodes of the series are dedicated to the hedgehogs' quest to hunt down the other six Balls. Magi-Chan suggests the seven Chaos Emeralds as a possible alternative, but this is never explored.
Origin
As revealed here, the Sonichu Balls were created by the same rainbow that was unleashed by Sonichu and Rosechu's creation, going all the way back to 1900, trapping it inside a Ancient Tablet in the world of Rulecwc
According to Darkbind Sonichu, the Sonichu Balls were unleashed from an ancient tablet by the evil and highly original wizard Clawdorf. Clawdorf used the power to curse Darkbind's gal-pal Zelina Rosechu into a magic sleep. In the process, however, Clawdorf was turned to stone, leaving Darkbind to gather the Sonichu Balls and use them to break the curse. How Darkbind knows this will work, and why the Sonichu Balls were scattered throughout the world in the first place, are never explained.
The Search for the Sonichu Balls
Since the Sonichu Balls glow when two or more of them are in proximity to each other, Magi-Chan discovers Darkbind's two Sonichu Balls during their conference in Sonichu #6. Coincidentally, a fourth happens to be in the Kay Jewelers store in CWCville Mall, which is stolen almost immediately after Magi-Chan and Darkbind's balls are first revealed.
The thieves, Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc and Black Sonichu use explosives in a daring daylight robbery. Reldnahc boasts that the Sonichu Ball will help him take over the world, and when Chris confronts him, he wields the Sonichu Ball as a weapon, threatening to finish Chris off. His attack is prevented by the timely ambush of Bionic the Hedgehog, who recovers the Sonichu Ball and gives it to Chris. For those of you keeping score, that makes four Sonichu Balls out of seven recovered within 23 pages.
The search continues in Sonichu #7, when Magi-Chan uses one of the balls in conjunction with his psychic powers to locate the fifth ball in Manchester High School, but stuck in the recent past. Together with Sonichu and Chris, Magi-Chan leads an expedition back in time to 1996, when the Sonichu Ball materialized and hit Chris on his head the day he created Bionic the Hedgehog. Sort of like the apple hitting Isaac Newton, only with more fail.
After successfully retrieving the Sonichu Ball, the trio return to their own time, but Chris, holding his two Balls in his hands, is flung into the time void, apparently propelled by some unexplained energy burst from the Sonichu Balls. Magi-Chan expresses confidence that Chris can be brought back, but is uncertain as to when.
In the meantime, Magi-Chan continues tracking down the remaining Sonichu Balls. He detects the sixth in the 4-Cent_Garbage Building in Clarksville, Tennessee, and dispatches Wild Sonichu to retrieve it while Sonichu and Rosechu meet with Jason Kendrick Howell to protest the Chris-Chan page. Wild sneaks into the building undetected, and discovers the Ball stored in an empty room.
The seventh Sonichu Ball is detected five miles off the Virginia coastline during CWCville's Spring Break, and Magi-Chan sends Bubbles Rosechu to locate it. She recovers the Ball without incident and Angelica Rosechu flies it back to CWCville Mall.
Sonichu #9
With the other five Sonichu Balls gathered in Christian's office, all that remains is for Chris himself to return from the time void, along with the two Balls in his possession. Sonichu 9 has been completed, and it turns out Chris just kind of fell out of the Time Void on his own, but the story ended before anything significant could happen with the Two Balls Chris gripped firmly during his journey through time and space.
Darkbind seemed somewhat concerned at first that sharing his Balls with the others would endanger his plans for them. This suggests that the Sonichu Balls can only be used once, although this doesn't matter because Crystal is freed from the mirror and Zelina is revived with just one use of the balls.
Sonichu #10
After Chris spends thirty pages killing trolls, wasting time on plans and the like, Chris finally uses the damn things, transforming himself and Sonichu into Collosal Chan and Ultra Sonichu. Chris uses his power to walk in and pull Crystal out of the Mirror with very little fanfare. Sonichu uses his power to wake up Zelina Rosechu, who replies to her predicament with "Awww". The two reunite and fly to Minnesota and Alec Benson Leary's home, where Chris invades Alec's computer, deletes the Asperpedia, steals a dating sim and blows up the Hex Bawx. Sonichu, however, finds Asperchu and the Sonichu and Chaotic Combo of that universe and proceeds to use "Chaotic Remedy" to rid them of their personality. Collosal Chris-Chan arrives to much fanfare and, after a brief battle with Metal Asperchu, does not much else with his God-like powers until he eventually confronts Mary Lee Walsh. As Sonichu was clearly able to defeat her in his normal form in the previous issue, but chose not to as it was Chris's right to defeat her, there's really not much point in Chris wasting his super form on this fight.
Influences
Like anything else in Sonichu, the Sonichu Balls appear to be little more than a mish-mash of other people's ideas. The three most likely sources are as follows:
Superficially, the Sonichu Balls most closely resemble Pokéballs, the red and white containers used by Pokémon Trainers to keep their Pokémon in when they're not engaged in bloodsport.
However, each Sonichu Ball is a different color, reminiscent of the Chaos Emeralds, seven multi-colored jewels featured in the "Sonic the Hedgehog" video games, which featured heavily in the origin of most of Chris' shitty characters.
Finally, the search for the Sonichu Balls bears some resemblance to the Dragon Balls, seven orange balls which, when gathered together summon a magic dragon who grants a wish. The Dragon Balls scatter after each wish, meaning they have to be tracked down again every time they're used, which might explain why the Sonichu Balls had to be located after Clawdorf unleashed them.
Powers
No one knew what the hell the Sonichu Balls were supposed to do. If they're anything like the Dragon Balls, they would summon Sonichu, except he's always around anyway, so what good would that do? Dumbass.
Since they're essentially just stand-ins for the Chaos Emeralds, however, collecting them all gives Sonichu the power to transform into Ultra Sonichu, Chris's long hinted-at "super" form of Sonichu. However, there was no indication that this would happen in the series until it just kind of... did.
Reldnahc attempted to aim one of the Balls like a weapon, although he never got the chance to use it, so there's no telling what, if anything, it would have done.
For most of the series, the Sonichu Balls mostly just seem to screw people over. They turned Clawdorf to stone, glow at inappropriate times, and fling people into "time voids". For some reason, holding two of the Sonichu Balls caused Wild's invisibility power to konk out, and Black Sonichu got owned by a trannie because Bubbles was searching for another. It wouldn't have surprised anyone if they exploded or something once they were all in the same room.
Sonichu 10 shows that holding a ball or two can at least increase Magi-chan's psychic powers enough for him to travel reliably through time, before finally being used for presumably their true purpose as Chaos Emerald ripoffs: transforming Sonichu into his Super Form. It also allows Chris to transform into his hobo form.
Another curious property of the Sonichu Balls is that they can be absorbed into a person's arms. In the time void, the two Balls Chris holds enter his arms for no obvious reason (likely, just so Chris wouldn't have to draw them regularly). Later, Wild prays to the Sonichu Balls or something, and they disappear into his arms, enabling him to use his hands. After he escapes the 4-cent_Garbage Building, he says a silly rhyme to command the Balls to rematerialize. How he knows to do any of this is--yep, you guessed it--never explained. You'd almost think Chris didn't put very much thought into this storyline.