Paid Video Requests

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On 18 July 2016, Chris announced that he would be offering video messages for sale, for $50 each, arranged through texting instead of his defunct Etsy shop. On 26 July, he changed his pricing, saying "it starts at $50, but I'm negotiable to as low as $10, and no less." Weens flooded him with requests, essentially giving him money for nothing and making him even more entitled.

Two videos had (unintentionally) funny results. In Singing "Yellow Submarine", Chris drops the camera for a moment, revealing an upskirt shot and showing him wearing a pantiliner. After Chris uploaded Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shake my boobies, Youtube deleted it and issued a strike against his account. Chris reacted to the fallout from both the following day on Facebook.

Following the strike, which barred him from uploading videos to his CwcvilleGuardian Youtube account for two weeks, Chris continued the video request program by uploading to an an alternate account, then returning to his main account after the ban expired.

Josh Lover of men

Josh Lover of men is a video uploaded by Chris on 20 July 2016, as part of his video request program. In this video, Chris reads out a paragraph written by a homo named Josh about how much of a crazy fucking idiot he is for paying $50 to Chris for this video. Chris was hopelessly unable to detect the sarcasm praising his exemplary life and achievements. In fact, Josh's admiration was so obviously masturbatory, it's reasonable to assume Chris would have understood it as mockery if not for his inexhaustible sense of self-importance

Josh Lover of men
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Stardate	20 July 2016
Performance Style	Reason Reason
Saga	Tomgirl Tomgirl
Shirt	The Clopper
OFFICIAL and HONEST CWC Videos
previous Update_20160718	next Announcement 07202016

Description

And now by paid request...

Transcript

[PS4 intro]

Hello 'vbody, this is Christine Chandler, and, uh, the following is from... this guy Joshua's own words, this is a paid request. And the title is right here underneath, "Josh, Lover of Men". So, yeah. [reading from iPhone] "Homosexual known as Josh has paid me $50 United States currency to make this video. He is truly a crazy fucking idiot for doing so." His words, not mine. He wanted me to tell his friend Nicole that "she is an attractive slut and that he abbire her - he admires her greatly and appreciates her filthy whore face. Happy early birthday, you magnificent piece of human garbage. You are such trash and we all love you a lot."

On a more serious note, Josh also wanned me to remind you that, hmmm, [reading] "I, Christine, am now and have always been a worthwhile human being that deserves a great amount of respect, and... all [unintelligible] and... gratitude for... over the years of creativity and effort I have poured forth, for all the genuine love and care I have trust onto you, not just for Sonichu and all related original intellectual properties, but also for the care I have put into my fanbase and all those loyal to my righteous cause. Please take a moment out of each day to think about the tremendous good I have done for you, and others, and what you could do to give back. Be the hero that you feel inside. Be the Sonichu dat's in your heart. And go fast. Go... to PayPal, and buy a personalized video just like Josh did. Much love," Josh assed... me to bid you a fond farewell, "and may lightning hedgehogs guide you to a path o' happiness".

Well, Nicole, at least he appreciates you. And, yeah, I agree with him on everything about me, so... thank you, Joshua. I don't like very much calling other people... such negative things, 'cause they're still people, after all, but... let's just leave it at that.

[PS4 outro]

Copypasta: Sexual Helicopter

As the second of his paid request videos to raise money during the Financhu Crisis, Chris read a famous internet meme "copypasta" about an individual who "sexually identifies as an attack helicopter". The resulting video was Copypasta: Sexual Helicopter. At the end, Chris exaggeratedly shook his head to let his fanbase know he wasn't associated with the literary masterpiece he just read.

Copypasta: Sexual Helicopter
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Stardate	20 July 2016
OFFICIAL and HONEST CWC Videos
previous Announcement 07202016

Description

And now by paid request... via YouTube capture

Transcript

Hello everybody, here's another paid request, their words, not mine, it's a... little piece of literature this person liked. Alright, so... [reading energetically] "I sexually identify as an attack helicopter. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of soaring over the offields, dropping... hot, sticky loads on disgusting foreigners. People say to me that a person being a helicopter is impossible, and I'm... retarded, but I don't care. I'm beautiful." Mmph. [suddenly monotone, confused] "I'm having a... plastic surgeon install rolly blades, thirty-millimeter... cannons, and AMG-114 Hellfire missiles on my body, [high pitched] and from now on, I want you guys to call me ApaCHEEE and respect my rights to kill from above and kill needlessly. If you can't accept me, you're a... heliphobe... and you need to check your vehicle priviges. Thank you for being so understanding."

Wow, that's crazy, that's jus'... I feel like... it's weird. [Chris makes a strange sound, seemingly blowing a very short raspberry] Whatever.

[He shakes his head rapidly while wobbling the camera]

Alright, well there you go. Paid request. Have a good day.

Happy Birthday, Nathan.

Chris begins this video with an appearance of feigned astonishment. His eyes continually dart around the room as he attempts to briefly carry a tune.

Appearance-wise, Chris can only be described as extraordinarily hideous (more so than usual). Chris unsuccessfully returns to wearing blue eye-shadow—painting copious amounts of overarching makeup around his eyes. We also see a return of the yellow-flower barrette.

Happy Birthday, Nathan.
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Stardate	21 July 2016

Description

And now, another paid request... via YouTube Capture

Transcript

Hello Nathan, this is Christine Chandler. A friend of yours paid me to send you a birthday greeting—so here you go.

[Starts singing]

Happy Birthday, Nathan.
Have yourself a good day.
Enjoy some cake and presents too.
Happy Birthday to you.

[Briefly pauses, opening mouth to speak but instead transitions into a smile]

Have a good day.

Copypasta: Gorilla Warfare

The copypasta Chris was paid to read this time, the "Navy Seal Copypasta" (or "Gorilla Warfare"), is notably heavy on profanity. Presumably to the disappointment of the requester, Chris neglected to read all but one of the curses used. Most were simply deleted, resulting in awkward pauses and seemingly nonsensical sentences, though a few were replaced with milder words or strange sound effects.

Copypasta: Gorilla Warfare
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Stardate	21 July 2016

Description

And now, another paid request... via YouTube Capture

Transcript

And now, another special recording request, paid, copypasta, their words not mine, called "Gorilla Warfare". What the- did you- just say about me, you little bloof? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy SEALs! And I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Qaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills! I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top of- the top sniper in the entire U.S. armed forces. You're nothing to me! You're just another target! I'll wipe the- out with precision... the likes of which you have- has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my... words. You think you'll get away with saying that... to me into- to me over the internet? Think again! As we speak I'm contacting my secret network of spies across the U.S., and your IP is being traced right now, so you better prepare for the storm, maggot, the storm that wipes out the... pathetic little thing you call your life. You're... dead, kid! [strange growling voice] I can be anywhere, at any time. I can kill you in over 700 ways, and that's just with my bare haaands! [normal voice] Not only am I extensive trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corp [sic], [high pitched] and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little! [normal voice] If only you could have known the unholy reb- retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring upon you, maybe you w'ave held your- tongue. But you couldn't, c- you didn't... and now you're paying the price, you god-dang idiot! I will... fury out over you and you will drown in it! You're dead, kiddo.

Yep, [rolls eyes] there's another paid creepypasta [sic], which I just read. [claps down phone, stares into camera] Eh, whatever. Have a good day.

Singing "Yellow Submarine"

Unlike the other paid requests, Chris seemed to be genuinely excited to record this cover of a Beatles song, as indicated in the description. He even added a bizarre improvised portion at the end of the video, presumably as random-access humor.

Singing "Yellow Submarine"
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Stardate	22 July 2016
Performance Style	Comedy Unintentional Comedy, Crazy Crazy
Saga	Tomgirl Tomgirl
Shirt	The Clopper

Description

With pleasure, and by paid request, via YouTube Capture

Transcript

Hello, Christine Chandler, coming to you live again, and now by special, paid, request.

[Chris freezes for several seconds as he holds the stereo system remote. He finally presses play, and The Beatles' "Yellow Submarine" begins playing. As he begins singing, the camera turns down to look at his K'Nex Yellow Submarine model]

In the town where I was born lived a man who sailed the sea
And he told us of his life in the land of submarines
So we sailed into the sun 'till we found the sea of green
And we live beneath the waves [chris fiddles with the model] in our yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine
And our friends are all aboard, many more of them live next door
Then the band begins to play [imitating a horn] ba-ba-ba-rump-ra-rump-ra-rump-ra-rump-a-rump-a-rump-ba-rump-a-rump
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine

[in a strange squeaky voice] "Full speed ahead, Mr. Boatswain [pronounced boats-wain], full speed ahead! Ah, feel it is, sir! Cut the- cut the cable, drop the cable! C- aye, sir, aye, aye! Captain, cowdun!"

[He continues to sing, awkwardly trying to do the accompanying vocals as well with a higher pitch]

As we live beneath these- a life of ease!
And every one of us- every one of us! Has all we need- has all we need!
Sky of blue- sky of blue! And sea of green- sea of green!
In our yellow- in our yellow! Submarine, ha ha!
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine
[quietly] All live in a yellow submarine...

[Chris cuts off music but keeps singing] Yellow submarine, yellow submarine... [Chris picks up a K'Nex hippopotamus figure and moves it toward the camera] and we all live in a hipp- [camera falls over on its side] Mmph! [Chris sets camera up again, now holding another toy figure resembling a pig] We all live in a hippopotamus, a hippopotamus, a hippopotamus[The camera falls over again, this time looking under the table and giving the viewer an unintentional shot of a seemingly oblivious Chris's crotch, revealing that he is wearing a pantiliner.][picking up camera again, still holding toy] We all live in a hippopotamus, a hippopotamus, [he sets it down on top of a human figure] sitting on my head. Duh! Ba-bum! [setting down "hippo" toy again] Hippopotamus, sitting on my head! Duh! Get off my head, hippo!

[Chris holds up a piece of the Yellow Submarine model] And on a personal note, Lego would have done a be'er job with the construction of the Yellow Submarine than... K'Nex did. [he demonstrates the model falling apart as he tries to pick it up] Falls apart easy! Made in the USA, these Kinect [sic] parts. Anyway, there you go. "Yellow Submarine". Have a good day.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shake my boobies

Similar to his last paid request, Chris appeared genuinely eager to record this video. Chris's enthusiasm grows as the recording progresses—his voice projects excitement as his pitch increases; especially when he shakes his chest. This is likely because—however briefly or mockingly—Chris becomes the object of someone else's sexuality. In total, Chris says the word "fuck" 32 times in the video.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shake my boobies
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Stardate	22 July 2016

This video was deleted by Youtube for violating its policy on "nudity or sexual content."

Description

via YouTube Capture

Transcript

[Chris retracts his right hand from the bottom right of the frame. He raises his eyebrows twice, then begins to recite the message. While doing this, he locks his forearms at a 90 degree angle to his upper arms, and rotates his torso left and right, as if he is dancing. ]

Fuck fuck fuck,

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,

Fuck fuck fuck,

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,

Fuck fuck fuck,

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,

Fuck fuck fuck,

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

[Chris abruptly grabs his chest with both hands, one on each breast, and jiggles the flab underneath violently]

Shake my boobiieees! Shake my boobies!

[Chris quickly crosses his arms over his chest, presumably in a failed attempt to hide his burgeoning cleavage]

Shake my boobies!

[Chris shakes his head]

Wee!

[Chris reaches with his right hand to the bottom right of the frame]

For Elisabeth

For Elisabeth
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Stardate	22 July 2016

Description

via YouTube Capture

Transcript

[Chris looks into the camera and adjusts his glasses.]

And now, my special paid request to Elizabeth, from your friend. If the, uh, tracks pauses, it's because the internet connection. My bad. Christine Chandler coming to ya live.

[Chris looks up and to the left at his television, which is out of the shot. He presses a button on his controller, and the song Stereo Love written by Edward Maya and featuring Mia Martina begins to play. Chris follows along weakly, quickly getting out of sync with the lyrics.]

When's a you're gonna stop breaking my heart
I don't wanna be another one
Pa-paying for the things I never done
Don't let go
Don't let go
To my love

Can I get to your soul
Can you get to my thoughts
Can you promise we won't let go
All the things that I need
All the things that you need
Tha-You can make it feel so reeeeeal.

Cuz you can't deny
You've blown my mind
When I touch your body
As-I feel I'm losing control
Cuz you can't deny
You've blown my mind
When I see you baby
I just don't wanna let go

I hate to see you cry
Your smile's a beautiful lie
I hate to see you cry
My love is dyin' inside

I can fix all those lies
But baby, baby, I run, but I'm running to you
You won't see me cryyyy, I'm hiding insiii
My heart is in pain but I'm smiling for you

Can I get to your soul
Can't you get to my thoughts
Can you promise we won't let goooo
All the things that I need
All the things that you need
You can make it feel so reeeal

Cuz you can't deny
You've blown my mind
When I touch your body
I feel I'm losing control
Lis-Cuz you can't deny
You've blown my mind
When I see you baby
I just don't wanna let goooo

When's you gonna stop breaking my hearrrt
Don't let go
Don't let goooo
To my loooove

-te to see you cry
Your smile's a beautiful liiieee
I hate to see you cry
My love is dying insiiide
I hate to see you cry
My love is dyin' insiiide
I hate to see you cry
My love is dyin' insiiide

I can fix all's lies
But baby, baby, I run, but I'm running to you
Won't see me cryyy, I'm hiding inside
My heart is in pain but I'm smiling for you
Oh baby I'll try to make the things right
I need you more than air when I'm not with you
Please don't as' me why, jus' kiss me this time
My only dream is about you and Iii.

[The video ends. Chris turns his head back to the camera.]

There you go, Elizabeth. Have a good day.

To Stephen.

To Stephen.
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Stardate	22 July 2016

Description

via YouTube Capture

Transcript

[The camera shakes as Chris turns it towards himself. He turns his head slightly to look into the camera.]

Hello Steven (sic), this is Christine Chandler coming live to you. Paid request.

[Chris looks directly down at his phone, which bobs in and out of the frame.]

Uh, so yeah a friend of yours wanted me to, make, uh, a personal [Chris raises his hand with the phone and takes off his glasses] video shoutout to you, or, uh just talk to you.

[Chris bring his phone into the center of the frame. He alternates throughout the message between looking at the phone and the camera.]

Um, so yeah, heard you had surgery, so, that's good. You survived. Feel like you got a new lease. [Chris looks up, then at the camera.] Very good. Very good. Reason to live. Hmm. An', let's see, uh, oh, your friend really likes you, yeah, think you're the nicest person they ever know, you got a birthday-you HAD a birthday, so, happy belated birthday. Your friend's sorry about that too. Mmm. Movies and cartoons. So: [Chris blows on his phone screen.] I dunno if you're old enough to have h-seen the Saw movies, but the story behind John Kramer was pretty good. Um, an' cartoons, yeah-ah, shit! [Chris holds the phone to his head briefly and makes a pained face] start with a movie-a cartoon movie, um, oh well!

[Chris starts to sing in a high-pitched voice to the tune of Everything is Awesome from the Lego Movie, although he sings the wrong lyrics.]

Everything is groovy!
Everything is cool when-[Chris pauses]-part of the team!
Everything is groovy!

[Chris attempts to imitate a much older man now.]

It's the Lego Movie!
Lego Lego Movie!

[In a higher pitched voice.]
Groovy!
Movie!

[Chris returns to his normal voice.] An, good luck to you an' both of your dogs! So, have a great day, Steven! [Chris drops his phone.] Take care.

Machine Romans

Note: This video was uploading to an alternate account, due to Chris receiving a temporary ban from his main channel.

Machine Romans
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Stardate	28 July 2016

Description

Paid for by StrokeTheWizard - soundcloud.com/strokethewizard More information: nobodytm.com Common Filth: youtube.com/channel/UCb9NIDFFW4KOqc6hGBnFBhg via YouTube Capture

Transcript

[Chris turns the camera towards himself. He glances down at a piece of paper out of frame, then back at the camera.]

Hello ev'rybody, 'nother paid request, [Chris brings the piece of paper into the bottom left of the frame.] so without further ado, hmm, [Chris's voice becomes lower in pitch. Throughout the reading, the pitch and tone of his voice fluctuates between his normal voice and this more somber voice, and he pronounces several of the words in the passage with great difficulty.]

Our civilization's trajectory is irreversible. We are being physically culled by visions, and our machines are domesticating us. Corporations are plotting to build sub-realities via trendy virtual-reality technology, that celebrities will soon endorse as fashion, so they may act as gods to the underclasses. In a matrix of their own creation, the spiritual peasants are all too eager to submit. Sexual intimacy will no longer be intimate, the act will be as mundane conversation. We will be monitored by artificial intelligence, through every medium, for our own protection, and humans will always feel inclined to erode morality, through slogans relating to love and freedom. Believing that it is part of evolution, conditioned from birth to worship the institution, the narrative will not be conquered from within. Faith must be put into intangible higher orders; do not submit to the good of mere machines.

[Chris puts the paper down and faces the camera again. He now speaks in his normal voice.]

Okay. That's fair. Have a good day.

Singing "All of the Lights"

Singing "All of the Lights"
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Stardate	8 August 2016

Description

And now by paid request. via YouTube Capture

Transcript

[Chris leans back into his chair, then awkwardly assumes an uncomfortable position.]

Hello everybody! Here's another song, by paid request!

[Chris hits a button on his PS4 controller and looks up at his out-of-shot TV. He grabs the remote, and the song All of the Lights by Kanye West featuring Rihanna and Kid Cudi starts playing. Chris weakly follows along to the lyrics of the song, fidgeting throughout the video.]

All of the lights, all the lights, all the lights, lights, lights, lights, lights
All of the lights
All of the lights
All of the lights

-the lights-here, baby
Turn 'em up extra bright, I want y'all to see this
Turn up the lights in here, baby
You know what I need
Want you to see everything
Want you to see turn off the lights

Fast cars, shooing stars

All the lights
All of the lights
Until it's Vegas everywhere we are
All the lights
All the lights
If you want it you can get it for the rest of your liiife
If you want it you can get it for the rest of your liiife

Something
I hold my head
MJ gone, our nigga dead!
I slapped my girl, she called the feds
I did dat time and spent that bread
I’m headin' home, I’m almost there
I’m on my way headin' up the stairs
To my surprise a nigga chasin' me
I had to take 'em to the ghetto university

All the lights
Cop lights, flash lights, spot lights
Strobe lights, street lights
All the lights
All
Fas' life, drug life
Thug life, rock li-
Every night
All the lights

-lights in here, baby
Extra bright, I want y'all to see, see this
Turn up the lights in here, baby
You know what I need
I want you see everything
Want you see all the lights

Ca-can’t see my daughter
Her mother, brother, grandmother hate me in that order
-blic visitations
We met at Borders
Told her she take me back
I’ll be more supportive
I made mistakes
I bump my head
Courts stuck me dry
I spent that bread
She need a daddy
Baby please, can’t let her grow up in that ghetto university

-f the lights
Cop lights, flash lights, spap (sic) lights
Strobe lights, street lights
[Chris misses the two "All of the Lights here]
Fast life, drug life
[unintelligible], lock life
Every night
All of the lights

Turn up the lights in here, baby
Estra briiight, want y'all to see this
Turn up the lights in here, baby
You know what I need
Want you to see everything
Want you to see all the lights

-ine, baby
Gotta let niggas know, yeah
Get it right, ay
should go and get your own, get your own

Get mine, baby
Gotta let them know, yeah, get it right
Get it right, ay
You should go and get your own

There you go. Have a good day. Thank you.

To Shelly

A set of screenshots from Kiwi Farms user crayolasword show that Chris initially wanted to charge $10 for this video. However, after his work ethic was questioned, he made it for free, possibly so he could use it for his own advantage when he later made a Facebook post imploring any former Etsy customers he might have failed to ship orders to months ago to "take a good look at me in my latest video on my YouTube channel. I am feeling Very Tired..."

To Shelly
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Stardate	13 August 2016

Description

via YouTube Capture

Transcript

[Chris leans back into his chair and retracts his hand from the bottom right of the frame. Throughout the video, he fidgets around, playing with his hair or moving his right hand around.]

Ahhh, hello, this is Christine Chandler coming to you from my home once again, uhh, so hey, uh, Shelly from your husband, he definitely wishes you a happy birthday and I wish you a happy birthday too. M'kay? So, you turn another year older and another year wiser... That's good. Have a good day.

[Chris leans forward and extends his hand to the bottom right of the frame.]