Paid Video Requests
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On 18 July 2016, Chris announced that he would be offering video messages for sale, for $50 each, arranged through texting instead of his defunct Etsy shop. However, this ended up being incredibly short-lived, lasting only 5 days, as Chris cancelled the program after one of the videos got removed by YouTube for "nudity or sexual content".
Two videos had (unintentionally) funny results. In Singing "Yellow Submarine", Chris drops the camera for a moment, revealing an upskirt shot and showing him wearing a pantiliner[1]. After Chris uploaded Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shake my boobies, Youtube deleted it and issued a strike against his account. Chris reacted to the fallout from both the following day on Facebook.
Josh Lover of men
Josh Lover of men is a video uploaded by Chris on 20 July 2016, as part of his video request program. In this video, Chris reads out a paragraph written by a homo named Josh about how much of a crazy fucking idiot he is for paying $50 to Chris for this video. Chris was hopelessly unable to detect the sarcasm praising his exemplary life and achievements. In fact, Josh's admiration was so obviously masturbatory, it's reasonable to assume Chris would have understood it as mockery if not for his inexhaustible sense of self-importance
| Josh Lover of men | |
| Search for video | YouTube, archive |
| Stardate | 20 July 2016 |
| OFFICIAL and HONEST CWC Videos | |
| previous Update_20160718 |
next Announcement 07202016 |
Description
And now by paid request...
Transcript
[PS4 intro]
Hello 'vbody, this is Christine Chandler, and, uh, the following is from... this guy Joshua's own words, this is a paid request. And the title is right here underneath, "Josh, Lover of Men". So, yeah. [reading from iPhone] "Homosexual known as Josh has paid me $50 United States currency to make this video. He is truly a crazy fucking idiot for doing so." His words, not mine. He wanted me to tell his friend Nicole that "she is an attractive slut and that he abbire her - he admires her greatly and appreciates her filthy whore face. Happy early birthday, you magnificent piece of human garbage. You are such trash and we all love you a lot."
On a more serious note, Josh also wanned me to remind you that, hmmm, [reading] "I, Christine, am now and have always been a worthwhile human being that deserves a great amount of respect, and... all [unintelligible] and... gratitude for... over the years of creativity and effort I have poured forth, for all the genuine love and care I have trust onto you, not just for Sonichu and all related original intellectual properties, but also for the care I have put into my fanbase and all those loyal to my righteous cause. Please take a moment out of each day to think about the tremendous good I have done for you, and others, and what you could do to give back. Be the hero that you feel inside. Be the Sonichu dat's in your heart. And go fast. Go... to PayPal, and buy a personalized video just like Josh did. Much love," Josh assed... me to bid you a fond farewell, "and may lightning hedgehogs guide you to a path o' happiness".
Well, Nicole, at least he appreciates you. And, yeah, I agree with him on everything about me, so... thank you, Joshua. I don't like very much calling other people... such negative things, 'cause they're still people, after all, but... let's just leave it at that.
[PS4 outro]
Copypasta: Sexual Helicopter
As the second of his paid request videos to raise money during the Financhu Crisis, Chris read a famous internet meme "copypasta" about an individual who "sexually identifies as an attack helicopter". The resulting video was Copypasta: Sexual Helicopter. At the end, Chris found it necessary to exaggeratedly shake his head so his fanbase would know he is not associated with the literary masterpiece he just read.
| Copypasta: Sexual Helicopter | |
| Search for video | YouTube, archive |
| Stardate | 20 July 2016 |
| OFFICIAL and HONEST CWC Videos | |
| previous Announcement 07202016 | |
Description
And now by paid request...
via YouTube capture
Transcript
Hello everybody, here's another paid request, their words, not mine, it's a... little piece of literature this person liked. Alright, so... [reading energetically] "I sexually identify as an attack helicopter. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of soaring over the offields, dropping... hot, sticky loads on disgusting foreigners. People say to me that a person being a helicopter is impossible, and I'm... retarded, but I don't care. I'm beautiful." Mmph. [suddenly monotone, confused] "I'm having a... plastic surgeon install rolly blades, thirty-millimeter... cannons, and AMG-114 Hellfire missiles on my body, [high pitched] and from now on, I want you guys to call me ApaCHEEE and respect my rights to kill from above and kill needlessly. If you can't accept me, you're a... heliphobe... and you need to check your vehicle priviges. Thank you for being so understanding."
Wow, that's crazy, that's jus'... I feel like... it's weird. [Chris makes a strange sound, seemingly blowing a very short raspberry] Whatever.
[He shakes his head rapidly while wobbling the camera]
Alright, well there you go. Paid request. Have a good day.
Happy Birthday, Nathan.
| Happy Birthday, Nathan. | |
| Search for video | YouTube, archive |
| Stardate | 21 July 2016 |
Description
And now, another paid request...
via YouTube Capture
Transcript
Copypasta: Gorilla Warfare
The copypasta Chris was paid to read this time, the "Navy Seal Copypasta" (or "Gorilla Warfare"), is notably heavy on profanity. Presumably to the disappointment of the requester, Chris neglected to read all but one of the curses used. Most were simply deleted, resulting in awkward pauses and seemingly nonsensical sentences, though a few were replaced with milder words or strange sound effects.
| Copypasta: Gorilla Warfare | |
EmbedVideo is missing a required parameter.
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| Search for video | YouTube, archive |
| Stardate | 21 July 2016 |
Description
And now, another paid request...
via YouTube Capture
Transcript
And now, another special recording request, paid, copypasta, their words not mine, called "Gorilla Warfare". What the- did you- just say about me, you little bloof? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy SEALs! And I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Qaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills! I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top of- the top sniper in the entire U.S. armed forces. You're nothing to me! You're just another target! I'll wipe the- out with precision... the likes of which you have- has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my... words. You think you'll get away with saying that... to me into- to me over the internet? Think again! As we speak I'm contacting my secret network of spies across the U.S., and your IP is being traced right now, so you better prepare for the storm, maggot, the storm that wipes out the... pathetic little thing you call your life. You're... dead, kid! [strange growling voice] I can be anywhere, at any time. I can kill you in over 700 ways, and that's just with my bare haaands! [normal voice] Not only am I extensive trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corp [sic], [high pitched] and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little! [normal voice] If only you could have known the unholy reb- retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring upon you, maybe you w'ave held your- tongue. But you couldn't, c- you didn't... and now you're paying the price, you god-dang idiot! I will... fury out over you and you will drown in it! You're dead, kiddo.
Yep, [rolls eyes] there's another paid creepypasta [sic], which I just read. [claps down phone, stares into camera] Eh, whatever. Have a good day.
Singing "Yellow Submarine"
Unlike the other paid requests, Chris seemed to be genuinely excited to record this cover of a Beatles song, as indicated in the description. He even added a bizarre improvised portion at the end of the video, presumably as random-access humor.
| Singing "Yellow Submarine" | |
| Search for video | YouTube, archive |
| Stardate | 22 July 2016 |
Description
With pleasure, and by paid request,
via YouTube Capture
Transcript
Hello, Christine Chandler, coming to you live again, and now by special, paid, request.
[Chris freezes for several seconds as he holds the stereo system remote. He finally presses play, and The Beatles' "Yellow Submarine" begins playing. As he begins singing, the camera turns down to look at his K'Nex Yellow Submarine model]
In the town where I was born lived a man who sailed the sea
And he told us of his life in the land of submarines
So we sailed into the sun 'till we found the sea of green
And we live beneath the waves [chris fiddles with the model] in our yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine
And our friends are all aboard, many more of them live next door
Then the band begins to play [imitating a horn] ba-ba-ba-rump-ra-rump-ra-rump-ra-rump-a-rump-a-rump-ba-rump-a-rump
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine
[in a strange squeaky voice] "Full speed ahead, Mr. Boatswain [pronounced boats-wain], full speed ahead! Ah, feel it is, sir! Cut the- cut the cable, drop the cable! C- aye, sir, aye, aye! Captain, cowdun!"
[He continues to sing, awkwardly trying to do the accompanying vocals as well with a higher pitch]
As we live beneath these- a life of ease!
And every one of us- every one of us! Has all we need- has all we need!
Sky of blue- sky of blue! And sea of green- sea of green!
In our yellow- in our yellow! Submarine, ha ha!
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine
[quietly] All live in a yellow submarine...
[Chris cuts off music but keeps singing] Yellow submarine, yellow submarine... [Chris picks up a K'Nex hippopotamus figure and moves it toward the camera] and we all live in a hipp- [camera falls over on its side] Mmph! [Chris sets camera up again, now holding another toy figure resembling a pig] We all live in a hippopotamus, a hippopotamus, a hippopotamus[The camera falls over again, this time looking under the table and giving the viewer an unintentional shot of a seemingly oblivious Chris's crotch, revealing that he is wearing a pantiliner.][picking up camera again, still holding toy] We all live in a hippopotamus, a hippopotamus, [he sets it down on top of a human figure] sitting on my head. Duh! Ba-bum! [setting down "hippo" toy again] Hippopotamus, sitting on my head! Duh! Get off my head, hippo!
[Chris holds up a piece of the Yellow Submarine model] And on a personal note, Lego would have done a be'er job with the construction of the Yellow Submarine than... K'Nex did. [he demonstrates the model falling apart as he tries to pick it up] Falls apart easy! Made in the USA, these Kinect [sic] parts. Anyway, there you go. "Yellow Submarine". Have a good day.
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shake my boobies
| Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shake my boobies | |
| Search for video | YouTube, archive |
| Stardate | 22 July 2016 |
This video was deleted by Youtube for violating its policy on "nudity or sexual content."
Description
via YouTube Capture
Transcript
For Elisabeth
| For Elisabeth | |
| Search for video | YouTube, archive |
| Stardate | 22 July 2016 |
Description
via YouTube Capture
Transcript
To Stephen.
| To Stephen. | |
| Search for video | YouTube, archive |
| Stardate | 22 July 2016 |
Description
via YouTube Capture
Transcript
Death of this program
After the "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shake my boobies" video got taken down, earning Chris another community guidelines strike (the first one presumably from IMG 3207), Chris shut down the requests program, telling anyone who texted him now that his phone number is for donations only, as discovered by Kiwi Farms user Crayolasword.
