Weening

Rounding out the unholy trinity of white knights and A-Logs, Weens are several times as annoying as the previous two combined. A corruption of the phrase 'Epic Win' (and also not to be confused with the experimental group), weens are wannabe trolls who attempt to recreate the success of prominent trolls, but generally just embarrass themselves due to their lack of originality and wit. In other words, they're the hyperactive preteen cargo-cultists who annoy the everloving fuck out of non-weens with their complete lack of talent and humor.

Still confused? Maybe a video or two will help get the point across.

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What Weening consists of

THIS IS WHAT WEENS ACTUALLY BELIEVE

Typical ween art.

• Elaborate trolling plans.
• Prank calls to Chris's house. Double dumbass points if it's just to scream "JULAAAY!" into the phone.
• A-Logging. While not all weens are A-Logs and vice versa, the vast majority of these dumbasses are both. The original A-Log was as much of a ween as an A-Log, what with his unfunny MST3K-style "commentaries" that made the rest of the commentary community do a collective facepalm.
• Facebook stalking.
• Scathing e-mails.
• Terrible fanfiction that wittily deconstructs Sonichu as a saccharine dystopia. Sorry, folks, but Asperchu already did it; it's time to move on.
• Terrible fanart of Sonichu that attempts to be wittily macabre by making it even more grotesque, gory, or perverse than it already was.
• Spouting tired old Chris memes in places where the regulars are known to congregate.
• Spouting tired old Chris memes in places where most of the members won't be familiar with Chris at all.
• Making frivolous or exaggerated claims of Chris's misconduct to sites like eBay or YouTube.
• Spoiling Chris's legitimate attempts at participating in contests or e-commerce.
• Any kind of trolling plan, really. But most notably,
• Breaking the law in pursuit of lulz, such as vandalizing Chris's property, illegally recording telephone conversations, or dishing out death threats. We shouldn't have to say this, but for fuck's sake, people, DON'T DO THIS.

Why you should avoid weening

The Miscreants, grateful to get away from all of the weens leeching off of their hard work.

Yeah, yeah, we know what you're thinking. You're not one of those try-hard 13-year old boys who think that screaming "JULAAAAAY!!!" is the height of wit. You have a great plan to really get under Chris's skin and bring back the good old days and whatnot. While you may in fact be that guy, 99.9% of the time, you should just shitcan your trolling plans and move on with your life.

But why?

There are much better targets than Chris

If you're willing to put that much effort into trolling Chris, why not use that effort to choose a better victim? As much as the CWCki makes light of his odd behaviors and personality flaws, Chris isn't even close to the bottom of the barrel of internet scumbags. Neo-nazis (looking at you, /pol/), abusive lovers and parents, scam artists, hate groups, social justice warriors, zoophiles, and other assorted shitbirds are much more deserving of concentrated trolling than Chris will ever be.

Even if you don't give a shit about who the trollbait is as long as you get maximum laughs, the Chris of today (as discussed below) just isn't as amenable to trolling as he used to be. The amount of effort you would need to put into piercing his layers of white knights and paranoia would be staggering, to say the least. Even if you do manage to bypass these obstacles, what left is there to do to him? Anything amusing about him has already been extracted from years of trolling and information gathering. All that is left of him at this point is a withered husk of a lolcow. As much as you may try to milk it, you'll be lucky to get a few cobwebs and specks of dust in return. With that in mind, you may as well just spend your time on another lolcow who hasn't been inured to years of deceit yet.

For most aspiring trolls, the only reason to pick Chris over any random Internet jackass is because he's famous and you have a ready-made audience available to appreciate your supposed fine trolling efforts. But that's just you being lazy, not some trolling mastermind.

The best trolls are chosen by fate

With a couple of exceptions, the greatest trolls didn't mean to get into professional trolling. BlueSpike didn't even intend to create the Julie character; he just rolled with it when he saw an opening. Clyde Cash was an emergent meme and later a collective identity that spread from Chris jerking around his fanbase. Vivian used to be a sincere white knight until she got fed up with Chris's antics. Liquid Chris started out as a YouTube nobody who later found out he was surprisingly good at doing Chris impressions -- and then was later noticed by Chris out of the blue. Jason Kendrick Howell thought that he was making a page on a run-of-the-mill lolcow and had no idea of the clusterfuck he was about to create. And Ivy had no idea that Chris was going to latch onto her so hard.

The biggest factor in whether a trolling plan is successful is flat-out luck, so stop trying to force your shitty trolling plans down Chris's throat.

2024's Chris is not as gullible as he used to be

Granted, almost no one on Earth is as naïve as Chris was, circa 2007-2009. However, Chris himself has actually learned that when he's contacted by people claiming to be Shigeru Miyamoto or Vanessa Hudgens, chances are he's just being trolled. In fact, the naivety of the younger Chris has been swapped for an extreme paranoia, to the extent where he's even turned down attempts to get in touch by people he actually knew at high school or college. Needless to say, he no longer responds to any random dork who contacts him, meaning that most trolling plans will fail to even get off the ground.

Your idea is probably not original

Quite frankly, it's probably been done before or better. It's pretty much impossible to top getting Chris to believe that the President of Nintendo was interested in his work, or that there was a dang, dirty imposter whom everyone else thought was the real Chris and stealing his richly deserved fame. By and large, most modern trolling plans tend to be some minor variation on something that's already been done, like 'what if we got his high school ring?' or 'what if we got him to see another stock parody of his comic?' Essentially, if the trolls have already done it, then Chris has already seen it, too.

Weenery discourages Chris from producing and justifies his victim complex

Most of Chris's content came from a time when he believed he had lots of fans and everyone, barring a few trolls here and there, loved him. Constant epic weenery has made him think of himself as a victim who won't be able to do anything without being harassed. As a result, he's wised up and become far more private, meaning barely any content for us.

It is also worth mentioning that Chris produces better content by himself rather than due to being harassed by weens.

If you fail hard enough you will become a target for trolls

While A-Log is the touchstone for trolling backfiring on the troll, it's important to remember that he would've never attracted the attention of the internet if he either toned down the vitriol or didn't comment on so many videos. It was thereafter a fairly obvious leap in intuition to assume that someone with that level of monomania and hysteria had some skeletons in their closet of their own. By the same token, obsessive or excessive weenery is akin to plugging in a big neon sign that points the trolls straight to your collection of Goku x Anne Frank slash fiction and dried catskins.

Even if you succeed, you may regret it later

Sometimes, trolls that somehow manage to succeed in extracting lulz from Chris may end up getting more than they bargained for. Liquid Chris is probably going to have to fend off accusations from people outside of the Chris-Chan bubble of tormenting an autistic virgin for his own amusement for the rest of his life. Even when BlueSpike turns 30, people are still going to think of him as the crazed, sadistic pervert who willingly listened to a slow-in-the-mind mass debate for hours on end and made him cram a clay medallion up his ass.

To add to the irony, people who didn't intentionally mean to upset Chris are still getting unwanted attention from weens. How much money do you want to bet that Adam Stackhouse dreads seeing another 'you prevented Chris from raping Megan, congrats!' message from some unoriginal ween? Do you think that Mary Lee Walsh enjoys seeing herself as a nubile anime blonde who exists solely to torment a virgin with rage every time she or her students uses Google?

Chris is still the undisputed trolling champion

Lest that we think that the current drought in content is because of a shortage of trolling triggers, late 2013-2014 would easily have given us the biggest windfall in content had Chris not given up on making frequent videos. From Chris learning that both Catherine and his gal-pals were fake, to him flushing down his eBay and commission money on Lego, to his house going up in flames, if Chris had his old enthusiasm for content creation, we'd be utterly spoiled.

In fact, even in the "golden age" of trolling, many of Chris's most fondly-remembered moments had little or no active involvement from the trolls. To name just a few examples, Chris spilled the beans about his DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS during an IRC chat about a mostly unrelated subject. THAT IS MY HOUSE came out of the seemingly innocuous act of Chris videotaping the inside of his house and putting it up on YouTube. The events of 28 October 2011 would likely have taken much longer to come to light if not for Chris himself posting pictures of Michael Snyder and various other details to this very wiki within hours of him getting home from jail. Chris has raged wholeheartedly, vandalized store property and even maced employees due to Sonic Boom having Sonic's arm colors being changed, a change that was done by professional game workers unaware of his ongoing hatred for it. And one can only imagine what on Earth possessed him to not only draw ShecameforCWC.JPG, but to post it online and proudly proclaim that it depicted Megan, one of the few real friends he's ever had.

Chris is so good at turning his own life into a rolling disaster that not even the return of Clyde Cash could top how he's trolling himself. So just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.

See also

• Trolls - Examples of doing it right.
• A-Logging - Examples of doing it wrong.
• Michael Snyder / Adam Stackhouse / Mary Lee Walsh - Examples of doing it accidentally.