Hair
Soaked with grease and rapidly falling off, Chris's hair is one of the many indicators of his unhealthy lifestyle.
Condition
Chris's hair has never looked good. For most of his adult life, his mother served as his barber. The result was a predictably amateurish, uneven cut which served as the perfect accompaniment to his clown shirt and his social awkwardness. His refusal to regularly bathe, which leaves his hair greasy and unmanageable, hasn't helped. Even when he does take a shower, the effects on his hair's appearance are negligible, as evidenced by his video demonstration. Nor has switching shampoos helped. In his early twenties Chris used Selsun Blue for dandruff issues, then switched to Head & Shoulders. To assist with his Lovequest, he shifted to "AXE brand Freeze Anti-Dandruff Shampoo & Conditioner." When he became a tomgirl, he changed it again to Garnier Fructice shampoo and conditioner. He has also used Aussie Sprunch hairspray because "it keeps my hair poofy, and smells of candy." Nothing seems to have worked, as the photographic record clearly indicates. First-hand observer Catherine thought it "looked like straw."
Chris, however, believes that his hair looks just fine, and has always been defensive about his hygiene habits. He also had no problem with his mother's styling. During the first Kacey Phone Call, he enthusiastically (while pretending to be Liquid) praised said haircut:
| “ | Oh come on you know, ahh...I bet his mom probably cut his hair and uh, that's uh... I think it looks good on him actually! I like his haircut. If I, I mean you know uh, I would probably get my hair cut that way in the near future. | ” |
For most of his life he kept it short and didn't alter it significantly, but since the Tomgirl Saga began in 2011, Chris has taken to bleaching his hair and growing it long. Chris's natural hair color is a chestnut brown, although early photos from his childhood show that it was paler at one point. He seems to be dying his hair himself, based on the unprofessional results. The highly visible brown roots seen in pictures suggest that he did not enlist the aid of a professional stylist. Chris's hair is also evidently curly when it's long; he may have done it himself with a curling iron, but Chris is far too lax in his personal grooming for that type of styling regimen. An October 2012 Facebook profile picture revealed that Chris had grown his hair to his shoulders, and for the next couple years it remained at approximately this length.
Chris has become resolutely opposed to cutting his hair, seeing it as essential to his tomboy/lesbian identity. In May 2011, Barb forced Chris to let her cut his hair. This resulted in Chris calling Barb a bitch. Chris saved the hair and wore it around his neck in hopes it would grow back faster. [1]
| “ | This was supposed to be the Year of Me; I was making Best Social Progress with the Mary Tyler Moore hairstyle, with Better Self-Confidence; Gone in a snip snip snip of my mother's claws. I also have retrieved the hair clippings shortly after the tragedy, gathered them in a clump, wrapped the clump in a plastic wrap, put it in a plush, satin-like baggie, attached a necklace to it, and I am wearing my clippings as a Charm to prayfully promote quicker hair growth and recovery. | ” |
| Chris, thinking that a 1970s woman's hairstyle helps you get friends. | ||
Chris sometimes likes to accentuate his hair with a headband. Even before becoming a tomgirl, he admired his girly anime wings to the point of incorporating them into his comic. At the pride festival in 2014, he wore a pair of striking blue and pink My Little Pony tassels. Sometimes he wears ponytails.
Hair loss
Chris's encroaching baldness has done little for his already uncomely appearance. Since he hit his late 20s, his hairline has been receding very quickly. In videos taken of Chris at a Fridays After Five event in 2010, a bald spot was seen starting to appear on the back of his head. By 2014, at 32, pictures showed that his hairline had receded dramatically in just a couple of years, and his hair was more poorly managed, looking even more thin, wispy and unkempt, if that's possible. While his hair is long, it has simply stopped growing on the front half of his scalp, creating an extremely bizarre effect. His attempts to brush a few locks forward do little to hide his constantly growing forehead. Catherine claimed in 2014 that it was "halfway" back on his scalp.
A popular theory amongst trolls proposes that the baldness is a physical indicator of the stress Chris claims they put him through. Realistically, however, Chris just drew an unlucky ticket in the genetic lottery. Photos of his half-brother Cole Smithey show that Cole lost his hair up front relatively early in life as well, and Bob was bald too. Ominously, inactivity, poor diet, illness, and stress are well known to accelerate the balding process. In addition, there is a strong correlation between the man's age with the eventual extent of the baldness - the earlier it begins in life, the less hair will eventually remain, which does not bode well for Chris's tomgirl dreams.
Chris seems to be completely in denial about his hair loss, making no discernible efforts to retard it. When confronted in the Mailbag (17, 25 and 28) about his obviously thinning hair, Chris asserted that he was not going bald, and he was untroubled. "When it goes, and if I do go bald, I will deal with that when I cross that bridge," he declared.
Body hair
Chris has never found body hair attractive, on himself or anyone else. This is probably connected to his hatred of men and their bodies, and it began long before he became a tomgirl. In 2008, he confessed that "shorts are okay, but I don't like to show off my hairy legs." A strange Yugioh card shows him dressed in the costume of a female character, but deeply embarrassed, in part because the dress exposes his legs, which he depicts as covered with hair. He also claimed that "facial hair, to most women, is a Turn Off," which is his autistic way of saying that he thinks beards are ugly. Consequently, early nudes of Chris showed that he shaved his torso and pubic region.
It is telling that part of his costume meant to throw off the trolls included a goatee. When he needed to reclaim his identity, he pointedly shaved it off for the camera within two weeks.
After becoming a tomgirl, he put more effort into removing his body hair, at least initially. He told Jackie:
| “ | I have been experimenting with body hair removal systems. I tried waxing; I had diffculty, only a little pain; I could use some help on getting the hang of it. Then I tried the "As Seen on TV" Smooth Away; it worked some, but not so much; got a rash on my leg from the effort. I would not recommend the product. And lastly, which removed the latter, a hair remover shower cream Nair brand "Shower Power Max", to be specific). It worked great, but I either used a bit much or left some on longer; this was last night. I had worse pain on the rashed leg, and new rashy spots on the other, on the right side of my belly near the button, and on BOTH of my nipples. The pain was excruciating; I was lucky to find comfort and fall asleep with a few dreams. The areas still hurt some, and I will heal, with sexier legs to look forward to. It's a blessing neither of my arms were pained from the experiment. The pain was equivilant to harsh sunburn. I would have been more comfortable with Waxing in comparison. On the classic 1-10 scale; waxing was a 2; the S.P.Max was an 8.5 (going on 9 with the extended searing pain). At least my arms, legs, torso and pubic are sin hair and real smoooth. | ” |
| Chris to Jackie | ||
He also said he had given himself a "Brazillian."
Despite these discoveries, photos throughout 2013 and 2014 consistently showed that, on his face at least, whatever depilatory measures he was taking were an utter failure, as his "5:00," as he calls it, is always apparent. As with every aspect of his life, his laziness thwarts his dream of looking like Britney Spears.
Hair mail
Cassie, co-founder of Sonichu Girls, asked Chris for locks of his hairs so all the Sonichu Girls can have them as a souvenir.
Because Chris can't say no to a pretty lady (or a dude pretending to be one), he went to the trouble of cutting his hair, placing it into small baggies with a certificate of authenticity signed by the big C himself.
Due to the Mexican postal service, it took several months for the hair to reach Cassie. When it finally did, it was a shock - or perhaps it wasn't. Cassie described the hair as being "greasy" and having an odd odor. Evidently, Chris's hair is so filthy, the Mexican postal service, which regularly "unknowingly" ships countless pounds of cocaine, marijuana, and other illegal narcotics per year, had trouble dealing with this biohazard. Fortunately, this violation of United States Code: Title 16, Chapter 4, SubChapter IV, § 1203 (a)(4-7) did not cause any national or international incidents.
While Chris promised 200 locks of hair, only 23 were ever sent. Chris included a letter to Cassie, in English on one side and in Chris's version of Spanish on the other. Each side had a Sonichu drawing, but the Spanish side had Sonichu in a sombrero.
Gallery of hair
Now future generations will be able to clone Chris so they can have their own manchild to troll.
The entire collection of hair, ready for distribution to loyal Sonichu Girls (read: trolls and especially homos from rival Gay 4 Sonichu)
Chris went to the trouble of making a certificate of authenticity for each lock packet. You know, to keep people from cutting their own hair and claiming it was his.
