Hair
Soaked with grease and rapidly falling off, Chris's hair is one of the many indicators of his unhealthy lifestyle.
Already in atrocious physical condition for someone his age, Chris's baldness has made him look creepier and even more like a pedophile and/or fat, old lesbian. His refusal to regularly bathe, which leaves his hair greasy and unmanageable, and his occasional attempts at crafting a combover haven't helped matters.
A popular theory amongst trolls proposes that the baldness is a physical indicator of the stress Chris claims they put him through. More likely, though, Chris just drew an unlucky ticket in the genetic lottery. Photos of his half-brother Cole Smithey show that Cole lost his hair up front relatively early in life as well, and Bob was bald as well. However, inactivity, poor diet, illness, and stress are well known to accelerate the balding process. In addition, there is a strong correlation between the man's age with the eventual extent of the baldness - when male-pattern baldness starts as early as it does with Chris, you will tend to end up with much less hair in the end; which does not bode well for Chris's tomgirl dreams.
Naturally, Chris being Chris, he thinks his hair looks just fine. During the first Kacey Phone Call, he enthusiastically (while pretending to be Liquid) praised said haircut:
| “ | Oh come on you know, ahh...I bet his mom probably cut his hair and uh, that's uh... I think it looks good on him actually! I like his haircut. If I, I mean you know uh, I would probably get my hair cut that way in the near future. | ” |
If you were at all surprised to learn that Chris doesn't bother to go to a decent barber, but instead lets his mom cut his hair...well, you're new here, aren't you?
When confronted in the Mailbag (17, 25 and 28) about his obviously thinning hair, Chris was, as per usual, completely in denial.
In videos taken of Chris at a Fridays After Five event, a bald spot is seen starting to appear on the back of his head.
Since becoming a Tomgirl, Chris has let his hair grow out and has seemingly attempted to color it blonde. This was likely not done by a professional stylist, because his new hair color is a hideous urine yellow. In some photos, such as the one he took at Salvation Army, the darker roots are visible through his extremely thin hair. It also appears that Chris's hair is naturally curly or wavy when he lets it grow long. Another possibility is that he curls his hair with a curling iron, although Chris is far too lax in his personal grooming for that type of styling regimen. An October 2012 Facebook profile picture revealed Chris has grown his hair shoulder length.
In May 2011, Barb forced Chris to have his hair cut. This resulted in Chris calling Barb a bitch. Chris saved the hair and wore it around his neck in hopes it would grow back faster. [1]
| “ | This was supposed to be the Year of Me; I was making Best Social Progress with the Mary Tyler Moore hairstyle, with Better Self-Confidence; Gone in a snip snip snip of my mother's claws. I also have retrieved the hair clippings shortly after the tragedy, gathered them in a clump, wrapped the clump in a plastic wrap, put it in a plush, satin-like baggie, attached a necklace to it, and I am wearing my clippings as a Charm to prayfully promote quicker hair growth and recovery. | ” |
| Chris, thinking that a 1970s woman's hairstyle helps you get friends. | ||
Pictures Chris has posted in 2014 show his hairline has receded even further, and his hair is even more poorly managed as it was 3 years ago - looking even more thin, wispy and unkempt, if that's possible. The fact that he appears to have tried dying it blonde again only makes it look worse. Needless to say, his tomgirl persona is far from being as sexy as he thinks it is.
Hair mail
Cassie, co-founder of Sonichu Girls, asked Chris for locks of his hairs so all the Sonichu Girls can have them as a souvenir.
Because Chris can't say no to a pretty lady (or a dude pretending to be one), he went to the trouble of cutting his hair, placing it into small baggies with a certificate of authenticity signed by the big C himself.
Due to the Mexican postal service (insert derogatory joke about Mexicans here), it took several months for the hair to reach Cassie. When it finally did, it was a shock.
Cassie described the hair as being "greasy" and having an odd odor. Evidently, Chris's hair is so filthy, the Mexican postal service, which regularly "unknowingly" ships countless pounds of cocaine, marijuana, and other illegal narcotics per year, had trouble dealing with this biohazard. Fortunately, this violation of United States Code: Title 16, Chapter 4, SubChapter IV, § 1203 (a)(4-7) did not cause any national or international incidents.
While Chris promised 200 locks of hair, only 23 packets were made. Chris included a letter to Cassie, in English and Chris's version of Spanish, with each side having a Sonichu drawing, where the Spanish side has Sonichu in a sombrero.
Gallery of hair
Now future generations will be able to clone Chris so they can have their own manchild to troll.
The entire collection of hair, ready for distribution to loyal Sonichu Girls (read: trolls and especially homos from rival Gay 4 Sonichu)
Chris went to the trouble of making a certificate of authenticity for each lock packet. You know, to keep people from cutting their own hair and claiming it was his.
