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| [[Image:0715-ChristianWSarah.jpg|thumb|Chris & Sarah]] | | [[Image:Punchyfeedslayla.jpg|thumb|right|300px|This is what Chris considers a successful date to look like. Note the look of terror in [[Layla]]'s eyes.]] |
| | '''Dating''' is the social convention in which two people do activities together in order to establish potential capacity as a long-term mate. [[Chris]] treats this process of establishing a relationship as a [[Autism|strict and immutable ritual]] in which [[hanky panky]] invariably occurs on the [[third date]] at the latest.<ref>[[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile#Dating Education]]</ref> It is worth noting that over time, the absolute nature of the third date rule Chris likes to adhere to has eroded. While initially meaning the third formal date, the ever-gnawing lust for [[china]] has devolved this into the third day after meeting in person. Chris's plans for wooing [[Blanca]] get to filthy, passionate lovemaking on the second day. |
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| {{quote|Sarah is Christian's Life-Long Best Friend. She is a spunky gal, and she is very pretty. One may say that she is the spitting image of Britney Spears.|[[:Image:298-ACSarahBck.jpg|Animal Crossing card]] describing Sarah Hammer; who looks nothing like [[Britney Spears]]}}
| | Chris's view of dating, as well as his penchant for developing schedules for these romantic encounters, say a lot about how he views the process. To Chris, dating isn't a social activity so much as it is a sort of incantation or ritual rain dance for sex. Much like [[Anne Boleyn|courts of old Europe]] dating is just a complex routine that is done for the sake of the rules before he can get his rocks off. |
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| '''Sarah Nicole Hammer''' (born 13 October [[1982]]<ref>[[Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares#The Story|Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares]], page 1</ref>) was the [[Wikipedia:Girl next door|girl next door]]<ref>[[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile#His Early Years - Birth to 1992]]</ref> for [[Chris]] from age 2 until around age 10, when he moved away, whom he apparently considered his closest friend. Chris met Sarah again when he entered [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]] when he came back to the county after finishing [[Manchester High School]]. Although by [[2005]] Chris had come to regard Sarah as his best and closest friend however, Chris seems to suggest that he hasn't had much contact with her as compared to his childhood.
| | A lot of Chris's odd outlook on dating can possibly be attributed to his autism, as he cannot grasp that dating and romance are supposed to be emotionally fulfilling activities, not mechanical warm-ups for sex. Both of Chris's stated dating plans (see below) involve sex quickly occurring after meeting for the first time in person. Love-at-first-sight is one of Chris's deepest held beliefs as well, and the idea that love is definite and perfect without getting to know your partner makes the idea of dating pointless, explaining Chris's desire to get it out of the way as soon as possible. |
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| As far as can be told, Chris has had no contact with Sarah since he came into [[Encyclopedia Dramatica|the spotlight]], and unlike [[Megan]] there aren't any [[Mimms|trolls]] who know her IRL capable of updating us on her status. There's no evidence to suggest that Sarah has even seen the comics, or has any opinion on them.
| | ==Online dating== |
| | Chris has joined several online dating sites, including Match, OkCupid <ref>http://www.okcupid.com/profile/CWCSONICHU OkCupid dating profile for CWCSonichu</ref>, Book of Matches <ref>Book of Matches - profile Sonichu</ref>, and [[''The HooK'' Café]]. He is also seen trying to use Craigslist several times; however, it is assumed that it was a troll's work. |
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| ==Sarah Hammer in real life== | | ==Chris's ideas about dating Blanca== |
| [[Image:SarahHammerPortrait.jpg|thumb|right|Like anything that looks good in real life, Chris ruins it by drawing it.]] | | Excerpts from an [[Blanca E-mails#September 2008|e-mail]] Chris wrote to [[Blanca]] in September [[2008]]: |
| ===Childhood===
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| {{quote|She brought me a lot out of my [[autism|autistic]] social shell for the time back then.|[[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile#His Early Years - Birth to 1992|Wikipedia autobiography]]}}
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| Chris continues to cherish many important memories with Sarah, such as riding swing sets and playing "hide and [[Comeuppance|seed]]." Once, Sarah tried to teach Chris to [[Wikipedia:Roller skating|roller-skate]], but Chris fell down and gave up, showing that Chris has no sense of coordination, balance, or dedication.
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| | The First Day |
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| It is not entirely known if Sarah actually cared about Chris. In [[Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares]], Chris recounts a story in which Sarah told Chris that Casper the friendly ghost was hiding under the house. Chris, being as [[Autism|childish]] as he's always known to be, fell for it and went to search for him. When Chris entered the crawlspace, Sarah locked him in and left. Eventually, Sarah's father had to come and get him out.
| | * meet [[Barbara|my mother]] and [[Bob Chandler|father]], chat with them a while and get to know each other |
| | * video gameplay with [[Guitar Hero]] |
| | * For dinner that evening, our First Date, I will take you out to [[McDonald's|McDonalds]], Arbys, [[Burger King]], or a small restaurant like that |
| | * I'd let you go back to your hotel, or [[Rape|bring you back home]]. NO [[SEX]] on the first night, but if you'd like to make out, I'd welcome it. |
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| Sarah also tried to convince Chris to put a honeysuckle in his mouth. Specifically the tip, which is poisonous. Chris almost fell for this one, but his parents caught him and warned him of its dangers. And you know what they say. A girl that tries to kill you isn't really your friend.
| | The Second Day |
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| Sarah and Chris were the same age and may have attended the same elementary school, but Chris moved to [[Richmond]] to attend middle school. For most normal people this would probably be the end of the relationship.
| | * [[PlayStation|PS2 or 3]] |
| | * For Lunch, I'd take you to this good all-you-can-eat Pizza/Salad/Soup/Desert [[Country Cookin|Buffet]] that I know of in [[Charlottesville]] |
| | * [[For Julie's Eyes Only|Romantic Movie]] at the theater, or we can walk the [[Fashion Square Mall|Downtall Malll]], and/or a [[Sonichu's Edge|walk in the park]] |
| | * If we take in the movie, you and I can [[Rape|sit in the back, darker area]]. And if it doesn't bother you, I may "Yawn and stretch" my arm around you to your other shoulder. If you want to take it further, you may pull my hand on your shoulder a little closer to your breast (of course, this is optional), and I'd let you cop a reach into the popcorn bucket, or under that to cop a feel. [[Megan Schroeder|Stop me]] if I'm bothering you any. And you and I can [[Hanky panky|make out]] in the theater. |
| | * if you feel like it that night in the privacy of mine or your room, you can take my [[virgin]]ity, or we can wait till the [[third date|third night]], if there is one before you have to go back to [''REDACTED'']. Either way, I would wear a condom then, and in the future until our [[Giant Penis Comic|Wedding Night]]. :) |
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| Chris has suggested that he did not originally view Sarah as a potential [[sweetheart]]; this decision apparently came later, most likely due to autism and a sheltered upbringing.
| | Sunday Morning |
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| ===She got hot===
| | * would you be willing to come with me to my [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|Methodist Church]] as a Visitor? If you do, I would take pride in being with you there and [[Women's rights|showing you off]] as my Girlfriend. :D But seriously, I would honestly appreciate just having you with me there. We do [[Singstar Challenge|sing]] from a red or black book at points during each service, but you don't have to sing if you don't want to. |
| In between [[2000]] and [[2003]] Sarah grew up and shed her old image, and became so attractive to Chris that he later called her "a spittin' [''sic''] image of [[Britney Spears]]."<ref>[[Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares#Over the Years|Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares]], page 9</ref> Normally, people don't find childhood friends to be sexually attractive due to the [[wikipedia:Westermarck Effect|Westermarck Effect]], so either Chris just feels no such effect and would gladly bone a [[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|sister]] figure, or they didn't know each other well enough as kids for it to take effect. Most likely the latter. The fact that he thinks she looks like Britney Spears is probably just because she has boobs and long blonde hair. She actually looks nothing like Britney Spears and has a completely different face shape, but Chris is notorious for his poor facial recognition skills anyway. This is the man who had to stare at himself in a mirror for hours to remember what ''he'' actually looked like after all.<ref>http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_7/Page_24</ref>
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| ===With Wes Iseli=== | | ==Chris's ideas about dating Ivy== |
| By Chris's admission, he hadn't had much contact with Sarah after he moved to Richmond, although at some point he apparently concluded that they were destined to be lovers. The revelation that Sarah was dating local magician/heart-throb [[Wes Iseli]] was clearly traumatic for Chris. On one occasion Chris saw Sarah sitting in Wes's lap, which made Chris visibly jealous; this incident was important enough (to Chris, anyway) to document in his [[Sonichu (comic)|comics]]. A similar freak out occurred when Chris saw Megan sitting on the lap of one of her male friends around the time he was discovered by [[4chan|/v/]], and he still gets insanely jealous whenever he sees a girl sitting on the lap of any other man, likely because it reminds him of the [[Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor]].<ref>[[Megan_Emails,_Aug-Dec_2007#Chris is scared of some fanart]]</ref>
| | Excerpts from a [[For My Sweetest Ivy|video]] Chris recorded for [[Ivy]] in May 2009: |
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| Chris regards losing Sarah to Wes as one of the two reasons he launched his [[Love Quest]]. Although this event technically changed nothing—Chris had never had a girlfriend and still did not—it spurned him to action, giving him a reason to actively seek out and obtain a [[Boyfriend-free girl]].
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| | *my mommy and I—my family and I—will meet you at the airport |
| | * I know a place that does some [[Recycling|great smoothies]], so yeah, a cafe |
| | * enjoy a movie in the theatre, at home or watch a television rerun. FAMILY GUY, heh, [[Family Guy]]. Or uh [[I love Lucy]] or I got the entire series of [[Gilligan's Island]]. |
| | * [[Hanky-Panky|make some music together]] on [[Guitar Hero]] |
| | * I will look forward to the eventuality of you and I having our [[Hanky panky|sex time]] together. Hmmm, I'll do you so many, I'll do my best to pleasure you to keep you satisfied, satisfied, just for you. Just for you, hmmm. I know a number of good positions and massages, hmmm, hmmm. |
| | * I know a number of places we could walk around at and uh we could walk about [[Fashion Square Mall|the mall]], we could walk about the [[University of Virginia|UVA]] grounds, good places where there's plenty of green and sunlight. |
| | * We can walk the [[hermit crabs]] together, hmmm, walk about, you might like your, you might walk your hermit crabs. |
| | }} |
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| The lyrics of Christian's song "[[BFF's (Best Friends Forever)]]" seem to be addressing Sarah, with Chris conceding the impossibility of romantic love and seeking greater fulfillment in a [[friend zone|closer platonic friendship]]. His comparison of "your boyfriend" (presumably Wes) to [[Black Sonichu]] recast himself and the couple into the hero-lover-rival ''troika'' that he developed for [[Sonichu]], and then further refined by featuring Wes as [[Wes-Li Sonichu|an evil hedgehog]] in his own right. Thankfully, Wes's career proved resilient enough to survive the [[Fail|trauma]].
| | ==In the Comics== |
| | | Exempting Chris's trolling date with [[Hanna]] in the sub-episodes, every single date depicted in the comic concludes in a passionate, long-term relationship (at least in line with what Chris thinks one is like). Some of these encounters even stretch the definition of a date. For example: [[Wild]] only had to show [[Simonla]] his treehouse before she was ready to yiff. [[Reginald_Sneasel|Reginald Sneasel]] and [[Angelica]] are shown in bed together after being last seen meeting for the first time in the park. The fact that all these relationships progress to sex so quickly solidifies the idea that Chris views dating as little more beyond the ritual prelude to screwing. |
| To this day, there exist no records of what Sarah's reaction to any of this insanity was, not even in Chris's recounting of the events.
| | ==Sauce== |
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| ===With William Spicer=== | |
| At some point Chris learned that Sarah broke up with Wes and then subsequently met another man, [[William Spicer]], whom she eventually married. The ups and downs of how Chris took this news are captured in how the fictional Chris reacted in [[Sonichu 2|''Sonichu'' #2]] after Sarah tells him, and in [[Sonichu 5|''Sonichu #5'']] when Chris made a comic adaptation of her wedding. Chris knew so little about Spicer, probably having never met him, that in the comic he decided to depict the groom as a [[Yu-Gi-Oh!]] character so that he wouldn't have to draw the actual person. If the comic is anything to go by, Chris did not attend the wedding in real life, but quietly accepted Sarah's decision anyway. William Spicer was spared the fate of being made into a one dimensional Soniuch villain like his predecessor was however, though not because Wes had done wrong while William had not, but rather because Wes was unlucky enough to have dated Sarah while Chris was interested in her, while by the time WIlliam was marrying her, Chris had already moved on to [[Megan]].
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| ==Sarah in the comic==
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| Christian first hints at Sarah's involvement in the Sonichu comics in [[Sonichu 0|''Sonichu #0'']], where he alludes to three mysterious electric hedgehogs: [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]], [[Wes-Li Sonichu]], and Saramah Rosechu. This is the closest Chris can come to a slow-building long-term mystery, so of course he [[comeuppance|blows his wad]] right away, introducing the revealing the identities of at least two of these characters a few pages afterwards in the [[Classic Sonichu Strips]].
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| ===Sarah Hammer/Nicole Rammer===
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| [[Image:Sarah hammer reimagined.png|thumb|left|Artist's impression of Sarah Hammer and the Lightning Bracelets.]]
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| After Chris activated the anchuent powers foretold by the [[Anchuent Prophecy]], Sarah had a vision of the ancient queen of the [[Cherokian Clan]], who explained her role in the prophecy and gave her the Lightning Bracelets. Using the bracelets Sarah could transform into Saramah Rosechu, whose role in the prophecy would be to maintain the balance between Chris-Chan and Wes-Li.
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| When Sarah discovered these two hedgehogs, they were already locked in battle. Although at first she didn't know who Chris-Chan and Wes-Li were, Saramah quickly learned that the hedgehogs were also her old friend Christian and her recent boyfriend [[Wes Iseli]]. Forced to choose between these two men, Saramah [[Chris and his Ego|remembered who was writing the comic]], so she impaled Wes-Li against a tree and broke up with him, citing his cruelty toward Christian. Saramah actually spent more time dressing down Wes than she did battling [[Count Graduon]], the evil she and the others were prognosticated to defeat.
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| With Wes quickly departing, Chris and Sarah returned to their human forms and caught up on old times. Chris believed he now had an easy path to
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| becoming Sarah's [[sweetheart]], but unfortunately for him she was already interested in another man, [[William Spicer]].
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| Though Sarah technically did not appear again until [[Sonichu 5|''Sonichu #5'']], she did appear in one of the Classic Sonichu Strips from [[Sonichu 0|''Sonichu #0'']]. The one which she appeared in was reprinted in [[Sonichu 4|''Sonichu #4'']] and established as having taken place a few weeks before the events of Sub-Episode 7.
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| Later, in ''Sonichu #5'', Chris would invisibly attend Sarah's wedding to William Spicer, being on-hand for Wes-Li's attempt to kidnap her. Using his Chris-Chan Sonichu powers and [[Yu-Gi-Oh!]] cards, Chris rescued Sarah, who then rewarded him by tossing him the bouquet and wished him luck in his pursuit of [[Megan]]. In spite of this issue being based around Sarah's wedding and being intended as a sendoff to her character, she did remarkably little in this story, just [[Women's rights|filling the role of the kidnapped princess]].
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| Sarah was not seen in the comic for a long time afterwards, but she did appear again in [[Sonichu Special 2]], also known as the Wedding Comic. In this comic, she attends Chris's ill fated marriage to [[Ivy]], dressing [[Tomgirl|in drag]] and acting as the best man, since Chris doesn't actually have any friends other than her who could fill that role other than [[Sonichu|fictional characters]] or possibly [[Bob Chandler|his father]]. One can't shake the feeling that he'd probably ask Sarah to do this in a real life wedding too.
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| Thanks to the efforts of [[Nintendo]] lawyer [[Jay Z]] during the [[Miyamoto Saga]], Sarah later became one of many characters who had their names [[Retroactive continuity in Sonichu|retconned]] in the story, due to being based on real life people. As such, in the [[Sonichu Videobooks]], Sarah Hammer instead became Nicole [[Dildo|Rammer]]. "Nicole," because that's her middle name, and "Rammer" because he's a fucking moron.
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| ===Saramah Rosechu===
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| [[Image:076-IlluminatingSarahama.jpg|thumb|Not creepy at all.]]
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| {{quote|Sarhamah's [sic] origin is unknown but her radiance shines brighter than the sun. When she shoots her arrows, they fly like lightning bolts. She is also known as a peaceful protector. And she is lovely, [[Angelica|angelic]], and simply irresistible.|[[:Image:301-ACSarhamahBck.jpg|Sarhamah Rosechu Animal Crossing card]].}}
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| Most, if not all of Sarah's appearances in Chris's comics are in the form of Saramah [[Rosechu (species)|Rosechu]], using the powers bestowed upon her by the [[Anchuent Prophecy]] to transform into a furry. She has no actual personality beyond asserting her deep, unabiding friendship with Christian, which again suggests that he knows nothing about this person except what he likes to think she feels about him. Sarah is able to activate this form through use of the Lightning Bracelets, which act as her own equivalent to Chris's [[Sonichu Medallion]] or Wes Iseli's Fireshock Pendant.
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| Prior to the retcon, Saramah Rosechu was a much more sensible name for Sarah's Sonichu form, even if still slightly weird. Since the change however, new readers of the comic who are not aware of the background of the character are just left baffled by the strange notion that a woman named "Nicole" transforms into a hedgehog and is then named "Sarah" for some reason.
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| Due to her lack of a large role in the comics, Saramah Rosechu doesn't have many powers compared to the other two chosen ones of the prophecy. While Chris and Wes both use weird [[Pokémon]] related attacks or [[Yu-Gi-Oh!]] cards to fight, aside from the retarded Team Blast attack ripped off from ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog|Sonic Heroes]]'', Sarah is only ever seen using her bow and arrow to fight with. Both the bow and arrow are lightning bolt shaped. They may or may not be literally made of electricity. [[Chris and art|It's hard to tell with Chris's art.]]
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| ===Queen of the Cherokian Clan===
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| [[Image:Queen_of_the_Cherokian_Clan.PNG|thumb|left|100px|The only picture of her to this date.]]
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| Wife of the [[ancient leader of the Cherokee Clan]], and the [[Cherokian Clan]]'s queen.
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| Little is established about the queen except that she was the object of a rivalry between her husband and his [[Wasabi Rival]]. She would be reincarnated as [[Sarah Hammer]], about whom we know little except that she was the object of a "rivalry" between [[Christian Weston Chandler]] and [[Wes Iseli]]. This is a good example of how Chris's female characters exist only to motivate his male ones and/or be fap material. The [[Anchuent Prophecy]] caused Sarah to learn of her past life and thereby gain the powers of [[Saramah Rosechu]], which she was tutored in using by a vision of the Queen.
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| The queen hasn't shown up since that single appearance, and considering that Sarah/Saramah has been absent from the comic since getting married in ''Sonichu #5'' save for her brief cameo at Chris's wedding, it's highly unlikely she'll ever show up again.
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| Oddly enough, of the three ancestors, she is the only one who actually looks something like a Native American; although she's still blonde and blue-eyed, she's wearing a dress that could be made of deerskin, which is the stereotypical way of dressing Native ladies in works of fiction. At least Chris got that part right.
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| {{-}}
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| ==Gallery==
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| <gallery>
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| Image:297-ACSarah.jpg|"Sarah Hammer" [[Animal Crossing]] Card.
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| Image:298-ACSarahBck.jpg|Sarah Hammer card back.
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| Image:300-ACSarhamah.jpg|"Saramah" Animal Crossing Card.
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| Image:301-ACSarhamahBck.jpg|Saramah card back.
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| Image:299-SarahHammer.jpg|Picture of human Sarah.
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| Image:303-Sarhamah.jpg|Picture of furfag Sarah.
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| Image:302-YuSahramah.jpg|Saramah Rosechu [[Yu-Gi-Oh!]] card.
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| Image:304-LightningBracelets.jpg|Lightning Bracelets [[Yu-Gi-Oh!]] card.
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| </gallery>
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| ==Sauces== | |
| <references /> | | <references /> |
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| ==See also== | | ==See also== |
| *[[Sonichu 2|''Sonichu #2'']] | | *[[Dating education]] |
| *[[Sonichu 5|''Sonichu #5'']]
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| *[[Chris-Chan Sonichu]]
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| *[[Wes Iseli]]
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| *[[Cherokian Clan]]
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| *[[Anchuent Prophecy]]
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| *[[Megan Schroeder]]
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| {{Sweethearts}}
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| {{People}}
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| {{Sonichu}}
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| [[Category:Gal pals]] | | [[Category:Love Quest]] |
| [[Category:Real people who have appeared in Sonichu comics]]
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