Hair
Soaked with grease and rapidly falling off, Chris's hair is one of the many indicators of his unhealthy lifestyle.
Chris's natural hair colour is a chestnut brown, although early photos from his childhood show that it was paler at one point. For most of his life he kept it short and didn't alter it significantly, but since the Tomgirl Saga began in 2012, Chris has taken to bleaching his hair and growing it long. He seems to be doing this himself, based on the highly unprofessional results. His hair also seems to curl when it gets long. Unfortunately for Chris, since he hit his late 20s, his hairline has begun to recede very quickly, Catherine claiming that as of age 32 it's "halfway" back on his scalp.
Already in atrocious physical condition for someone his age, Chris's encroaching baldness has done little for his already uncomely appearance. His refusal to regularly bathe, which leaves his hair greasy and unmanageable, and his occasional attempts at crafting a combover haven't helped either.
A popular theory amongst trolls proposes that the baldness is a physical indicator of the stress Chris claims they put him through. Realistically, however, Chris just drew an unlucky ticket in the genetic lottery. Photos of his half-brother Cole Smithey show that Cole lost his hair up front relatively early in life as well, and Bob was bald too. Ominously, inactivity, poor diet, illness, and stress are well known to accelerate the balding process. In addition, there is a strong correlation between the man's age with the eventual extent of the baldness - the earlier it begins in life, the less hair will eventually remain, which does not bode well for Chris's tomgirl dreams.
Chris, however, believes that his hair looks just fine. During the first Kacey Phone Call, he enthusiastically (while pretending to be Liquid) praised said haircut:
| “ | Oh come on you know, ahh...I bet his mom probably cut his hair and uh, that's uh... I think it looks good on him actually! I like his haircut. If I, I mean you know uh, I would probably get my hair cut that way in the near future. | ” |
If you were at all surprised to learn that Chris doesn't bother to go to a decent barber, but instead lets his mom cut his hair...well, you're new here, aren't you?
When confronted in the Mailbag (17, 25 and 28) about his obviously thinning hair, Chris was, as per usual, completely in denial.
In videos taken of Chris at a Fridays After Five event, a bald spot is seen starting to appear on the back of his head.
When he became a Tomgirl, Chris grew his hair out and tried to colour it blonde. The highly visible brown roots in the pictures around that time suggest that he did not enlist the aid of a professional stylist. Chris's hair is also evidently curly when it's long; he may have done it himself with a curling iron, but Chris is far too lax in his personal grooming for that type of styling regimen. An October 2012 Facebook profile picture revealed Chris has grown his hair shoulder length.
In May 2011, Barb forced Chris to have his hair cut. This resulted in Chris calling Barb a bitch. Chris saved the hair and wore it around his neck in hopes it would grow back faster. [1]
| “ | This was supposed to be the Year of Me; I was making Best Social Progress with the Mary Tyler Moore hairstyle, with Better Self-Confidence; Gone in a snip snip snip of my mother's claws. I also have retrieved the hair clippings shortly after the tragedy, gathered them in a clump, wrapped the clump in a plastic wrap, put it in a plush, satin-like baggie, attached a necklace to it, and [[Chris and religion|I am wearing my clippings as a Charm to prayfully promote quicker hair growth and recovery.]] | ” |
| Chris, thinking that a 1970s woman's hairstyle helps you get friends. | ||
Pictures Chris posted in 2014 showed that his hairline has receded dramatically in just a couple of years, and his hair is more poorly managed than it was 3 years ago - looking even more thin, wispy and unkempt, if that's possible. He has grown it long again, but hair has simply stopped growing on the front half of his scalp, creating an extremely bizarre effect. The fact that he appears to have tried dyeing it blonde by himself again only makes it look worse. Chris seems to be completely in denial about it, making no efforts to hide his constantly growing forehead.
Hair mail
Cassie, co-founder of Sonichu Girls, asked Chris for locks of his hairs so all the Sonichu Girls can have them as a souvenir.
Because Chris can't say no to a pretty lady (or a dude pretending to be one), he went to the trouble of cutting his hair, placing it into small baggies with a certificate of authenticity signed by the big C himself.
Due to the Mexican postal service, it took several months for the hair to reach Cassie. When it finally did, it was a shock - or perhaps it wasn't. Cassie described the hair as being "greasy" and having an odd odor. Evidently, Chris's hair is so filthy, the Mexican postal service, which regularly "unknowingly" ships countless pounds of cocaine, marijuana, and other illegal narcotics per year, had trouble dealing with this biohazard. Fortunately, this violation of United States Code: Title 16, Chapter 4, SubChapter IV, § 1203 (a)(4-7) did not cause any national or international incidents.
While Chris promised 200 locks of hair, only 23 were ever sent. Chris included a letter to Cassie, in English on one side and in Chris's version of Spanish on the other. Each side had a Sonichu drawing, but the Spanish side had Sonichu in a sombrero.
Gallery of hair
Now future generations will be able to clone Chris so they can have their own manchild to troll.
The entire collection of hair, ready for distribution to loyal Sonichu Girls (read: trolls and especially homos from rival Gay 4 Sonichu)
Chris went to the trouble of making a certificate of authenticity for each lock packet. You know, to keep people from cutting their own hair and claiming it was his.
