Homos

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A typical homosexual.

Christian Weston Chandler refers to homosexual people almost exclusively by the pejorative term "homos". He doesn't like them very much. From the very beginning of his internet fame in 2007, his extreme opposition to homosexuality and his neurotic, obsessive demand that everyone "STAY STRAIGHT" have been the subject of many lulz and the target of many trolls.

Fear of being a homo

“	"Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes from a DVD (and if you'll pardon the expression), shove some pussy in my face. I tell you what, if I ever stoop down to changing my path, I might as well would get a gender change operation."	”
Chris

Chris's homophobia is just that: he is literally afraid of homosexuality and of anything that could conceivably cause a straight person to be "leered off the straight path." His terror is such that he can barely bring himself to even utter the word "gay" or any other term concerning gay people, except of course for "homo". He has said that he cannot even look at a picture of a penis without being "freaked out," and he has cited several techniques he believes are necessary to maintain his sexual attraction to women. This attitude could be explained by one of two possibilities:

1. Chris is a heterosexual idiot, so he thinks the slightest thing could turn him gay unless he maintains constant vigilance.
2. Chris is a repressed homosexual, so he knows the slightest thing could turn him gay, because he can barely resist the temptation.

We don't yet have enough information to determine which of these is true. Until he kisses a man on the lips (currently scheduled for 2010), we may never know.

Hatred of homos

Chris's animosity towards gay people seems to result primarily from his fear of them and their supposed ability/desire to make him gay. He has often characterized the trolls as homos, which is either a basic ad hominem attack or a sincere belief that anyone who draws penises on Rosechu must be gay.

Notably, in an IRC chat from 02 January 2009, Chris made this statement:

“	if I could have it my way, I'd make it illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "Deck the Halls"	”
Chris, 02 January 2009, 11:59

On 18 February 2009, Chris issued a retraction of his previous homophobic remarks and declared that he respects "the gay people" like he respects his gal pals and his sweethearts (is he telling us something?). However, this was mostly done at the insistence of Julie; by 10 March Chris was reciting verses from Leviticus 18 to justify his position against homos.

On 14 June 2009 he created a video called Don't Trust Any Homos Over There, which in the Chris-chan tradition of ruining everything you ever loved is a homophobic version of Uncle Ruckus's (from "The Boondocks") "Don't Trust Them New Niggas Over There".

Later on in the day he published an apology for the video called I'm sorry, Dude and mentioned that he likes gays who "ac--..accomplish other things like Stephen Fry who was a homosexual, but y'know he did a good job being a narrator on LittleBigPlanet." This is, of course, displays Chris' ignorance, as Stephen Fry is also a famous actor, comedian, writer, narrarator (on things other than LBP), as well as an author of some extremely witty and charming blogs that have a large internet following, as well as being an advocate for gay rights. This apology however was only posted for the sake of his gal pal Kim's boyfriend whose gay brother apparently lost both his arms in Iraq.

On 26 July 2009, Chris goes as far as to call gay a synonym for stupid.

Evidence that Chris is a homo

Fun fact: rainbow colors are the internationally recognized colors for the gay pride movement.

Ironically, the harder Chris tries to convince people he's straight, the more gay he appears. He has absolutely no awareness that an uptight, milquetoast, squeaky-voiced man saying "I am straight! I have a subscription to Playboy!" every five minutes looks like he has something he's trying to hide. Furthermore, the more we learn about Chris, the more gay he really appears to be.

• He owns, or at least has owned, anal beads and a vibrator, and he is on record as having experimented with putting both toys in his anus. In a chat during the Vanessa Saga on April 16, 2009, he claimed that he no longer shoved things up his ass, except for "a narrow jet of water from my adjustable shower-head on a hose". Although it is conceivable that you can stick things up your butt and still be straight, people who are terrified of being turned gay generally do not do this.

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For someone who claims to be straight, Chris sure does love talking about BALLS. Also, balls are touching.

That's one phallic Lego tower you're building there, Chris.

Oh lawd, is dat some lipstick on Chris?

• Christian argues that the vibrator and anal beads were sent to him as a free gift with an order of straight pornography; he did not ask for them or pay for them. AdamAndEve.com, however, generally does allow for a choice of gift (usually a sex toy or a DVD) and the sex toy is usually based on the purchase. So surprise, Chris got something phallic because he must have ordered something that would suggest he would enjoy a phallic sex toy.

• Chris gets upset that people know he has the vibrator and anal beads, and he gets upset that people think he's gay because he kept the vibrator and anal beads...but he never gets upset that the store sent him the vibrator and anal beads in the first place. You would think that if a troll sent him a dildo he'd be throwing a fit about it on YouTube, but no.

• He collects My Little Pony figures well into early adulthood. 'Nuff said.

• For a straight man, he does guzzle a lot of cum.

• In Mumble chats, Chris has said loudly "ICH BIN SCHWUL JULIE, ICH BIN SCHWUL WITH ALL MY HEART!" which, while it is the Molvanîan expression for "I love you", it is also (read: really, since Molvanîa isn't real) German for "I am gay."

• Christian has stated that if he were unable to stay straight he would undergo sex reassignment surgery; he would rather be female than gay. It should be noted that 99.9999999999996% of straight men never, ever, put this much thought into this hypothetical dilemma.

• On 05 February 2009 Chris posted two videos stating that he was coming out of the closet as a gay man. He later issued a retraction which was far less persuasive.

• When negotiating for the safe return of his PSN account from Max, Chris was given the choice of burning his medallion or shoving it up his ass. Chris immediately chose to shove it up his ass.

• He thought a heterosexual woman would be turned on by sending nudes of his asshole.

• He wears a pink belt buckle.

• Chris says he is King of Cosmos, with the Cosmo being the pink drink originating from San Francisco associated with Sex and the City, and gay men everywhere.

• His best man at his wedding is Sarah Hammer in drag. Because he loves a woman who's dressed like a man.

• Axe, frequently used by gay men, is Chris's grooming product of choice, not to mention the cans are pretty phallic.

• He sang "I Love the Nightlife" on his visit to a local bar/restaurant, which is a song with large gay following.

Defenses against becoming homo

Chris tried to stay straight from an early age, by posing with Barbie.

It's hard work for a warrior of true love and honesty to stay straight. Luckily, Chris has a Sailor Moon poster which he stares at everyday to stave off his temptations of homosexuality.

Chris also subscribes to Playboy to help keep himself straight. You can tell he's straight because when he's explaining what he finds attractive in women it only takes five minutes for him to get around to boobies and vaginas.

Asexual?

There is a possibility that Chris is asexual, and only emphasizes being STRAIGHT due to the social expectation of adult men to be sexually active and heterosexual. He also appears to have the perception that you are not an adult until you lose your virginity. Just wait until he finds out that's not the definition of adulthood.

• He has the idea he must 'maintain' his 'straightness', much like how he must regularly change the oil of the Sonichu-mobile. While this can be used to argue that he is a homo deep down inside, it can also be used to argue that he has no major sexual compulsions of any kind; and is just trying to induce them through external sources.
• Chris only masturbates twice a week, and states that it's only to keep his "hormones under control".
  • He also did not discover masturbation until the age of 16.
• He really doesn't have a damn clue about anyting related to sex.
• Chris' interest in finding a sweetheart appears to have been spurred on by a desire for companionship, as opposed to having a sexual relationship. His constant emphasis on being 'lonely' supports this.
• While his creepy attempts at touching/kissing Megan would indicate some form of sexuality, it could just be part of his limited perception of what it means to be an adult. He's not trying to molest girls and chase them around with a sign out of sexual desire, but rather out of a desire to be adult.

Chris on his alleged homosexuality

According to Chris, heterosexuals defend their sexuality by taping index cards indicating their straightness to their shoes (while stomping on vibrators). Srsly.

"I AM STRAIGHT, DAMN IT! I WILL NOT BE VEERED INTO ANY OTHER DISGUSTINGLY GROTESQUE DIRECTION!!!!!"
"I'M STRAIGHT! I'M STRAIGHT! YOU'RE THE HOMOS! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU! "
"I'm straight, don't doubt me!"'
"Listen, as hard as you fucking can, I CAME OUT OF MY AUTISTIC CLOSET AS A STRAIGHT MAN, and NOTHING ELSE. SO YOU IMMATURE JERKS CAN JUST FUCK OFF."'
"Yep, you heard me. I am...a gaaaaaaaaay...bian. "
"Anyway the, uh--anyway so, to get to the point...fine. I'm guhh. I'm gaaaay. I'm gaay. I said it...OK. Yep. So...did I really come out of the closet there? That just depends on y'all--how y'all understand it. "
"And look at me. Do I look like-- [shakes head in disagreement] No more of those stupid acquisition messages! Get it through your fucking, individual, damn, dirty, SKULLS! I. Am. STRAIGHT!"

See Also

• Gaybian - A Male Lesbian, according to Chris.
• Chris and sex
• Chris and religion
• Gay 4 Sonichu