Paid Video Requests

On 18 July 2016, Chris announced that he would be offering video messages for sale, for $50 each, arranged through texting instead of his defunct Etsy shop. On 26 July, he changed his pricing, saying "it starts at $50, but I'm negotiable to as low as $10, and no less." Weens flooded him with requests, essentially giving him money for nothing and making him even more entitled.

Two videos had (unintentionally) funny results. In Singing "Yellow Submarine", Chris drops the camera for a moment, revealing an upskirt shot and showing him wearing a pantiliner. After Chris uploaded Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shake my boobies, Youtube deleted it and issued a strike against his account. Chris reacted to the fallout from both the following day on Facebook.

Following the strike, which barred him from uploading videos to his CwcvilleGuardian Youtube account for two weeks, Chris continued the video request program by uploading to an an alternate account, then returning to his main account after the ban expired.

Josh Lover of men

Josh Lover of men is a video uploaded by Chris on 20 July 2016, as part of his video request program. In this video, Chris reads out a paragraph written by a homo named Josh about how much of a crazy fucking idiot he is for paying $50 to Chris for this video. Chris was hopelessly unable to detect the sarcasm praising his exemplary life and achievements. In fact, Josh's admiration was so obviously masturbatory, it's reasonable to assume Chris would have understood it as mockery if not for his inexhaustible sense of self-importance

Josh Lover of men
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Stardate	20 July 2016
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Description

And now by paid request...

Transcript

[PS4 intro]

Hello 'vbody, this is Christine Chandler, and, uh, the following is from... this guy Joshua's own words, this is a paid request. And the title is right here underneath, "Josh, Lover of Men". So, yeah. [reading from iPhone] "Homosexual known as Josh has paid me $50 United States currency to make this video. He is truly a crazy fucking idiot for doing so." His words, not mine. He wanted me to tell his friend Nicole that "she is an attractive slut and that he abbire her - he admires her greatly and appreciates her filthy whore face. Happy early birthday, you magnificent piece of human garbage. You are such trash and we all love you a lot."

On a more serious note, Josh also wanned me to remind you that, hmmm, [reading] "I, Christine, am now and have always been a worthwhile human being that deserves a great amount of respect, and... all [unintelligible] and... gratitude for... over the years of creativity and effort I have poured forth, for all the genuine love and care I have trust onto you, not just for Sonichu and all related original intellectual properties, but also for the care I have put into my fanbase and all those loyal to my righteous cause. Please take a moment out of each day to think about the tremendous good I have done for you, and others, and what you could do to give back. Be the hero that you feel inside. Be the Sonichu dat's in your heart. And go fast. Go... to PayPal, and buy a personalized video just like Josh did. Much love," Josh assed... me to bid you a fond farewell, "and may lightning hedgehogs guide you to a path o' happiness".

Well, Nicole, at least he appreciates you. And, yeah, I agree with him on everything about me, so... thank you, Joshua. I don't like very much calling other people... such negative things, 'cause they're still people, after all, but... let's just leave it at that.

[PS4 outro]

Copypasta: Sexual Helicopter

As the second of his paid request videos to raise money during the Financhu Crisis, Chris read a famous internet meme "copypasta" about an individual who "sexually identifies as an attack helicopter". The resulting video was Copypasta: Sexual Helicopter. At the end, Chris exaggeratedly shook his head to let his fanbase know he wasn't associated with the literary masterpiece he just read.

Copypasta: Sexual Helicopter
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previous Announcement 07202016	next Happy Birthday, Nathan.

Description

And now by paid request... via YouTube capture

Transcript

Hello everybody, here's another paid request, their words, not mine, it's a... little piece of literature this person liked. Alright, so... [reading energetically] "I sexually identify as an attack helicopter. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of soaring over the offields, dropping... hot, sticky loads on disgusting foreigners. People say to me that a person being a helicopter is impossible, and I'm... retarded, but I don't care. I'm beautiful." Mmph. [suddenly monotone, confused] "I'm having a... plastic surgeon install rolly blades, thirty-millimeter... cannons, and AMG-114 Hellfire missiles on my body, [high pitched] and from now on, I want you guys to call me ApaCHEEE and respect my rights to kill from above and kill needlessly. If you can't accept me, you're a... heliphobe... and you need to check your vehicle priviges. Thank you for being so understanding."

Wow, that's crazy, that's jus'... I feel like... it's weird. [Chris makes a strange sound, seemingly blowing a very short raspberry] Whatever.

[He shakes his head rapidly while wobbling the camera]

Alright, well there you go. Paid request. Have a good day.

Happy Birthday, Nathan.

Chris begins this video with an appearance of feigned astonishment. His eyes continually dart around the room as he attempts to briefly carry a tune.

Appearance-wise, Chris can only be described as extraordinarily hideous (more so than usual). Chris unsuccessfully returns to wearing blue eye-shadow—painting copious amounts of overarching makeup around his eyes. We also see a return of the yellow-flower barrette.

Happy Birthday, Nathan.
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previous Copypasta: Sexual Helicopter	next Copypasta: Gorilla Warfare

Description

And now, another paid request... via YouTube Capture

Transcript

Hello Nathan, this is Christine Chandler. A friend of yours paid me to send you a birthday greeting—so here you go.

[Starts singing]

Happy Birthday, Nathan.
Have yourself a good day.
Enjoy some cake and presents too.
Happy Birthday to you.

[Briefly pauses, opening mouth to speak but instead transitions into a smile]

Have a good day.

Copypasta: Gorilla Warfare

The copypasta Chris was paid to read this time, the "Navy Seal Copypasta" (or "Gorilla Warfare"), is notably heavy on profanity. Presumably to the disappointment of the requester, Chris neglected to read all but one of the curses used. Most were simply deleted, resulting in awkward pauses and seemingly nonsensical sentences, though a few were replaced with milder words or strange sound effects.

Copypasta: Gorilla Warfare
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previous Happy Birthday, Nathan.	next Singing "Yellow Submarine"

Description

And now, another paid request... via YouTube Capture

Transcript

And now, another special recording request, paid, copypasta, their words not mine, called "Gorilla Warfare". What the- did you- just say about me, you little bloof? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy SEALs! And I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Qaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills! I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top of- the top sniper in the entire U.S. armed forces. You're nothing to me! You're just another target! I'll wipe the- out with precision... the likes of which you have- has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my... words. You think you'll get away with saying that... to me into- to me over the internet? Think again! As we speak I'm contacting my secret network of spies across the U.S., and your IP is being traced right now, so you better prepare for the storm, maggot, the storm that wipes out the... pathetic little thing you call your life. You're... dead, kid! [strange growling voice] I can be anywhere, at any time. I can kill you in over 700 ways, and that's just with my bare haaands! [normal voice] Not only am I extensive trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corp [sic], [high pitched] and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little! [normal voice] If only you could have known the unholy reb- retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring upon you, maybe you w'ave held your- tongue. But you couldn't, c- you didn't... and now you're paying the price, you god-dang idiot! I will... fury out over you and you will drown in it! You're dead, kiddo.

Yep, [rolls eyes] there's another paid creepypasta [sic], which I just read. [claps down phone, stares into camera] Eh, whatever. Have a good day.

Singing "Yellow Submarine"

Unlike the other paid requests, Chris seemed to be genuinely excited to record this cover of a Beatles song, as indicated in the description. He even added a bizarre improvised portion at the end of the video, presumably as random-access humor.

Singing "Yellow Submarine"
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previous Copypasta: Gorilla Warfare	next Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shake my boobies

Description

With pleasure, and by paid request, via YouTube Capture

Transcript

A long transcript of Chris mostly singing

Hello, Christine Chandler, coming to you live again, and now by special, paid, request. [Chris freezes for several seconds as he holds the stereo system remote. He finally presses play, and The Beatles' "Yellow Submarine" begins playing. As he begins singing, the camera turns down to look at his K'Nex Yellow Submarine model ] In the town where I was born lived a man who sailed the sea And he told us of his life in the land of submarines So we sailed into the sun 'till we found the sea of green And we live beneath the waves [chris fiddles with the model] in our yellow submarine We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine And our friends are all aboard, many more of them live next door Then the band begins to play [imitating a horn] ba-ba-ba-rump-ra-rump-ra-rump-ra-rump-a-rump-a-rump-ba-rump-a-rump We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine [in a strange squeaky voice] "Full speed ahead, Mr. Boatswain [pronounced boats-wain], full speed ahead! Ah, feel it is, sir! Cut the- cut the cable, drop the cable! C- aye, sir, aye, aye! Captain, cowdun!" [He continues to sing, awkwardly trying to do the accompanying vocals as well with a higher pitch] As we live beneath these- a life of ease! And every one of us- every one of us! Has all we need- has all we need! Sky of blue- sky of blue! And sea of green- sea of green! In our yellow- in our yellow! Submarine, ha ha! We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine [quietly] All live in a yellow submarine... [Chris cuts off music but keeps singing] Yellow submarine, yellow submarine... [Chris picks up a K'Nex hippopotamus figure and moves it toward the camera] and we all live in a hipp- [camera falls over on its side] Mmph! [Chris sets camera up again, now holding another toy figure resembling a pig] We all live in a hippopotamus, a hippopotamus, a hippopotamus [The camera falls over again, this time looking under the table and giving the viewer an unintentional shot of a seemingly oblivious Chris's crotch, revealing that he is wearing a pantiliner.][picking up camera again, still holding toy] We all live in a hippopotamus, a hippopotamus, [he sets it down on top of a human figure] sitting on my head. Duh! Ba-bum! [setting down "hippo" toy again] Hippopotamus, sitting on my head! Duh! Get off my head, hippo! [Chris holds up a piece of the Yellow Submarine model] And on a personal note, Lego would have done a be'er job with the construction of the Yellow Submarine than... K'Nex did. [he demonstrates the model falling apart as he tries to pick it up] Falls apart easy! Made in the USA, these Kinect [sic] parts. Anyway, there you go. "Yellow Submarine". Have a good day.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shake my boobies

Similar to his last paid request, Chris appeared genuinely eager to record this video. His enthusiasm grew as the recording progressed—his voice projecting excitement as his pitch increased—especially when he shook his chest. This may be because—however briefly or mockingly—Chris became the object of someone else's sexuality. In total, Chris says the word "fuck" 32 times in the video.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shake my boobies
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Stardate	22 July 2016
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This video was deleted by Youtube for violating its policy on "nudity or sexual content."

Description

via YouTube Capture

Transcript

[Chris retracts his right hand from the bottom right of the frame. He raises his eyebrows twice, then begins to recite the message. While doing this, he locks his forearms at a 90 degree angle to his upper arms, and rotates his torso left and right, as if he is dancing. ]

Fuck fuck fuck,

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,

Fuck fuck fuck,

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,

Fuck fuck fuck,

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,

Fuck fuck fuck,

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

[Chris abruptly grabs his chest with both hands, one on each breast, and jiggles the flab underneath violently]

Shake my boobiieees! Shake my boobies!

[Chris quickly crosses his arms over his chest, presumably in a failed attempt to hide his burgeoning cleavage]

Shake my boobies!

[Chris shakes his head]

Wee!

[Chris reaches with his right hand to the bottom right of the frame]

For Elisabeth

For Elisabeth
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previous Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shake my boobies	next To Stephen.

Description

via YouTube Capture

Transcript

A long transcript of Chris mostly singing

[Chris looks into the camera and adjusts his glasses.] And now, my special paid request to Elizabeth, from your friend. If the, uh, tracks pauses, it's because the internet connection. My bad. Christine Chandler coming to ya live. [Chris looks up and to the left at his television, which is out of the shot. He presses a button on his controller, and the song Stereo Love written by Edward Maya and featuring Mia Martina begins to play. Chris follows along weakly, quickly getting out of sync with the lyrics.] When's a you're gonna stop breaking my heart I don't wanna be another one Pa-paying for the things I never done Don't let go Don't let go To my love Can I get to your soul Can you get to my thoughts Can you promise we won't let go All the things that I need All the things that you need Tha-You can make it feel so reeeeeal. Cuz you can't deny You've blown my mind When I touch your body As-I feel I'm losing control Cuz you can't deny You've blown my mind When I see you baby I just don't wanna let go I hate to see you cry Your smile's a beautiful lie I hate to see you cry My love is dyin' inside I can fix all those lies But baby, baby, I run, but I'm running to you You won't see me cryyyy, I'm hiding insiii My heart is in pain but I'm smiling for you Can I get to your soul Can't you get to my thoughts Can you promise we won't let goooo All the things that I need All the things that you need You can make it feel so reeeal Cuz you can't deny You've blown my mind When I touch your body I feel I'm losing control Lis-Cuz you can't deny You've blown my mind When I see you baby I just don't wanna let goooo When's you gonna stop breaking my hearrrt Don't let go Don't let goooo To my loooove -te to see you cry Your smile's a beautiful liiieee I hate to see you cry My love is dying insiiide I hate to see you cry My love is dyin' insiiide I hate to see you cry My love is dyin' insiiide I can fix all's lies But baby, baby, I run, but I'm running to you Won't see me cryyy, I'm hiding inside My heart is in pain but I'm smiling for you Oh baby I'll try to make the things right I need you more than air when I'm not with you Please don't as' me why, jus' kiss me this time My only dream is about you and Iii. [The video ends. Chris turns his head back to the camera.] There you go, Elizabeth. Have a good day.

To Stephen.

To Stephen.
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previous For Elisabeth	next Machine Romans

Description

via YouTube Capture

Transcript

[The camera shakes as Chris turns it towards himself. He turns his head slightly to look into the camera.]

Hello Steven (sic), this is Christine Chandler coming live to you. Paid request.

[Chris looks directly down at his phone, which bobs in and out of the frame.]

Uh, so yeah a friend of yours wanted me to, make, uh, a personal [Chris raises his hand with the phone and takes off his glasses] video shoutout to you, or, uh just talk to you.

[Chris bring his phone into the center of the frame. He alternates throughout the message between looking at the phone and the camera.]

Um, so yeah, heard you had surgery, so, that's good. You survived. Feel like you got a new lease. [Chris looks up, then at the camera.] Very good. Very good. Reason to live. Hmm. An', let's see, uh, oh, your friend really likes you, yeah, think you're the nicest person they ever know, you got a birthday-you HAD a birthday, so, happy belated birthday. Your friend's sorry about that too. Mmm. Movies and cartoons. So: [Chris blows on his phone screen.] I dunno if you're old enough to have h-seen the Saw movies, but the story behind John Kramer was pretty good. Um, an' cartoons, yeah-ah, shit! [Chris holds the phone to his head briefly and makes a pained face] start with a movie-a cartoon movie, um, oh well!

[Chris starts to sing in a high-pitched voice to the tune of Everything is Awesome from the Lego Movie, although he sings the wrong lyrics.]

Everything is groovy!
Everything is cool when-[Chris pauses]-part of the team!
Everything is groovy!

[Chris attempts to imitate a much older man now.]

It's the Lego Movie!
Lego Lego Movie!

[In a higher pitched voice.]
Groovy!
Movie!

[Chris returns to his normal voice.] An, good luck to you an' both of your dogs! So, have a great day, Steven! [Chris drops his phone.] Take care.

Machine Romans

Note: This video was uploading to an alternate account, due to Chris receiving a temporary ban from his main channel.

Machine Romans
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previous To Stephen.	next Reading: "A Girl Who Brought Down the World", "And Apparently Survived a Housefire"

Description

Paid for by StrokeTheWizard - soundcloud.com/strokethewizard More information: nobodytm.com Common Filth: youtube.com/channel/UCb9NIDFFW4KOqc6hGBnFBhg via YouTube Capture

Transcript

[Chris turns the camera towards himself. He glances down at a piece of paper out of frame, then back at the camera.]

Hello ev'rybody, 'nother paid request, [Chris brings the piece of paper into the bottom left of the frame.] so without further ado, hmm, [Chris's voice becomes lower in pitch. Throughout the reading, the pitch and tone of his voice fluctuates between his normal voice and this more somber voice, and he pronounces several of the words in the passage with great difficulty.]

Our civilization's trajectory is irreversible. We are being physically culled by visions, and our machines are domesticating us. Corporations are plotting to build sub-realities via trendy virtual-reality technology, that celebrities will soon endorse as fashion, so they may act as gods to the underclasses. In a matrix of their own creation, the spiritual peasants are all too eager to submit. Sexual intimacy will no longer be intimate, the act will be as mundane conversation. We will be monitored by artificial intelligence, through every medium, for our own protection, and humans will always feel inclined to erode morality, through slogans relating to love and freedom. Believing that it is part of evolution, conditioned from birth to worship the institution, the narrative will not be conquered from within. Faith must be put into intangible higher orders; do not submit to the good of mere machines.

[Chris puts the paper down and faces the camera again. He now speaks in his normal voice.]

Okay. That's fair. Have a good day.

More Video Requests

Main article: August 2016 Paid Video Requests

Main article: September 2016 Paid Video Requests

Videos ordered through Etsy:

• Happy Birthday Tom
• Happy Birthday, Martin.
• Happy Birthday, Jonathan

Videos in which Chris denied he was paid:

• Unicorns, Rainbows, and a Bluebird of Happiness
• Reading: "A Girl Who Brought Down the World", "And Apparently Survived a Housefire"