Sweetheart
| “ | Kacey: Chris, how many times have you been in quote-unquote "love"? Chris: I do not know, I do not- I have not kept count. |
” |
| from Kacey Call 9 | ||
A Sweetheart (sometimes heartsweet) is Christian's flavor-of-the-month.
Definition
Chris's goal is to build a sweetheart from the Ground-Up, lose his dreaded virginity (somewhat accomplished), and spawn his God-chosen daughter, Crystal Weston Chandler (named after "the illustrious metal" and a name similar to his own). Unfortunately for him, the plan hasn't progressed beyond a handful of chaperoned dates, and a trip to a hooker. Thus the sweetheart label finds itself applied generously, indicating a status that lies somewhere between "e-girlfriend" and "stalking victim." Contrast this with Christian's Gal Pals; that is, all of those girls who are still potential sweethearts by virtue of the fact that they are known to Christian and don't appear to hate him Never mind.
Qualifications
- See Also: Sonichu's News Dash and Attraction Sign
In the early years of his Love Quest, Christian spelled out his qualifications on his Attraction Sign, in a personal ad that ran for several issues in the News Dash, and on various other items including a cover for his Nintendo DS. Subsequent experiences would show that many of these TRUE and HONEST criteria could be bent a little, as expedient.
- 18 - [insert current age] Years Old
- Boyfriend-Free
- Blonde or Brunette
- White
- Pretty
- Average or Slender Body Type
- 5' or Taller
- No Smoking or Drinking
- Lives in Charlottesville or Ruckersville Area
- Has Own Car
- Average to High Income
- Happy, Positive, Caring
In other exchanges, Christian established a few more rules:
Will Chris ever have a Sweetheart?
Despite an old Trinidadian saying that goes, "Every bread has its cheese" (meaning that there's a special someone waiting for everybody, no matter how badly off they are), many who have dealt with Chris would be quick to reply to this question with a resounding, "No!"
However, in case anybody reading this article is curious as to why not, there are quite a few reasons:
1) Chris refuses to grow up. He is a man in his thirties who plays with children's toys and video games, and still lives with his mother. Adult responsibilities such as gainful employment are almost completely alien concepts to Chris, and any money he does receive is promptly wasted on stupid crap he doesn't need. On top of that, he implies a lot that if he does get married, all he'll do is stay home and watch after the kids (badly) while his wife goes to work. This lack of maturity and inability to stand on his own two feet would be an instant turn-off to any woman.
2) Chris has issues that would damage a relationship. Autistic antics aside, Chris does a lot of things that upset women. For starters, he seems to have no sense of personal space, and several women have found themselves creeped out by his habit of inappropriately touching them. He also lies a lot, and when he doesn't lie, he makes poor excuses for his shortcomings, both of which can damage a girl's trust and faith in him. His lack of genuine sympathy towards people have led to a lot of complaints about him apologizing without truly meaning it. On top of that, he seems to be of the idea that women in a relationship with him will tolerate waiting on him hand and foot while he plays video games all day, and bear his children. No self-respecting woman will ever put up with that nonsense.
3) Chris is not self-sufficient. As mentioned before, Chris doesn't have a job and currently has no plans to strike it out on his own, opting instead to live with his mother. His welfare after room and board deductions is barely over the $200 mark, which he wastes on toys and video games instead of saving for something really important. He also has a habit of landing himself into debt with his purchases, and isn't even aware of all of the necessary bills one needs to pay to keep a house running. He has also indicated that if he becomes a family man, he will be leeching off of his wife instead of looking for work on his own. It'll become crystal clear to any woman who learns this about Chris that he is definitely not marriage-material, as he has at no point in his life been able to support himself, much less a family.
4) Chris's Hygiene. Chris does not shower regularly, believing that all you need to be hygienic are a few sprays of Axe, lives in an filthy house with garbage everywhere, and routinely shits himself. One woman has gone on record by saying he smells like 'rotten watermelons'.
5) Chris is physically unattractive. Chris is not inherently ugly, but his lifestyle and fashion choices have rendered his appearance deeply repulsive. Even before he started dressing like a Tomgirl (already a deterrent in itself for a certain reason), Chris always had very questionable tastes in fashion, and would often have an unkempt appearance, as shown in the picture above. The fact that he doesn't take good care of himself also hurts his chances of attracting the opposite sex, and has resulted in him becoming seriously overweight. And let's not get started on a certain medallion he always wore back in the day, which only made him look laughably worse. Long story short, if Chris caught up with the latest trends and worked out, his chances with the ladies would improve a bit. In fact, during Chris's stint as a male escort, his appearance was, ignoring his obesity for a moment, rather presentable and he appeared well-groomed.
6) Chris acts like a dork. Again, although it sounds shallow, the fact remains that Chris' childish mannerisms can repel women. Take a look at this video where he attempts to woo Ivy, for example. Chris thinks that when you talk to a woman you like, you babble and coo like you're addressing a toddler. Also, he thinks that women in this day and age would like watching Gilligan's Island, an ancient, outdated show from his elderly parents' days. One of the first things new people also notice about Chris' room is that he's surrounded by toys and video games, which pretty much scream 'manchild', and Chris has been known to post pictures and videos addressed to potential dates in this room.[3] His recent Tomgirl antics haven't helped either- he's now a manchild that dresses like a woman, which can cement in potential sweethearts' minds that he's possibly gay. (Sure enough, this happened when one of his Tomgirl pictures was featured on MTV's Failosophy, where the only person who would date him was the gay guy.)
7) Chris is ignorant and averse to change. A sad truth about Autism is that some sufferers are very resistant to change, and Chris is no exception. Chris often believes that, above all else, his way is right, and anybody who tries to tell him otherwise is a dirty troll, especially if it gets in the way of him getting China. This kind of thinking can severely damage a relationship where a well-meaning girl is trying to steer him in the right direction.
8) Chris is an intolerant bigot. He hates homosexuals. He has shown insensitivity (if not outright enmity) towards people of different races. Woe be onto you if you're a male, too. Needless to say, the only women who'd approve of this stance would have to be outright racists who don't have any male friends themselves, and then you'd have to consider the fact that they must also put up with financially supporting a couch potato who plans to be a "house husband" and shits himself, which would put the grand total of women who'd be interested in Chris to a big, fat ZERO. For an example of this and how women would not tolerate such an attitude, consider this post he made (and the replies he got as a result) on Facebook (to truly hammer the point home, Kim, a friend of Chris', points this out.)
9) Chris doesn't try. Throughout his whole life, Chris has not had even one real girlfriend. The reason for this is simple: he won't initiate. Chris is well known to have a fear of talking to women, even resorting to a book to try and get over his anxiety. While not as true today, men are supposed to play the role as the "go-getter", and try to woo over "the fair lady". How does the scenario play out in this autistic's mind? Stand around with an attraction sign with ridiculous requirements. Even if a girl was interested, Chris would likely be too afraid to talk back to her. If there was such a girl, the odds that she would meet his standards (just in appearance) are about 1 in 100. And if that still isn't enough, Chris would never stick to his sweetheart. He barely (if at all) has any friends, so what makes anyone in the whole world think he is capable of having a girlfriend? If he is, then his stubborn personality of holding back on everything in his life (moving out, getting a job, maintaining a social life, ect.) will inevitably keep Chris from ever catching that one fish out there.
10) Chris is incompetent. Chris has claimed, numerous times, to be proficient in several skills, but is quite terrible in all of them. He compares cleaning his house to fighting in a war, and even that he can't get it right. One could even argue that it's because of this and a lack of common sense that this house eventually burned to the ground. He can't secure a job (or even hold on to the one he actually got) because of his personal issues. He gets himself into trouble way more times than he should, where basic common sense should have told him to stay away. So, long story short, ladies, If you were looking for somebody to be the "man of the house", would Chris even remotely fit the bill?
11) Chris's past will always return to haunt him. Thanks to the combined forces of the internet, obsessed trolls who follow Chris's every move, and even Chris himself, there are literally volumes of unsavory information about Chris, almost all of which is documented right here. Chris knows this all too well, which is why he strongly discourages anybody from doing even a simple Google Search about him. This was, in fact, one of the key reasons why The Wallflower left him - a ween mailed her a link to the CWCki. But even if we were to put aside anything to do with the internet, there are still many, many embarassing and undesirable things about Chris that will, in one way or the other, surface that would damage, if not outright destroy a budding relationship - to which this very list can attest.
Conclusion
Despite having said that girls should go after poorer, less attractive guys because "they will likely have a better personality", Chris doesn't seem to think that the same applies for the opposite gender. He still insists his sweetheart must be physically attractive and well-off enough to financially support him, not realizing that he himself leaves a lot to be desired in terms of being boyfriend material.
