Homos
| “ | Homo males are objectionable, VERY objectionable (I hate them!) | ” |
| Chris | ||
Christian Weston Chandler refers to homosexual people almost exclusively by the pejorative term "homos". He doesn't like them very much.
From the very beginning of his internet fame in 2007, his extreme opposition to homosexuality and his neurotic, obsessive demand that everyone "STAY STRAIGHT" have been the subject of many lulz and the target of many trolls.
Fear of being a homo
| “ | "Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes from a DVD (and if you'll pardon the expression), shove some pussy in my face. I tell you what, if I ever stoop down to changing my path, I might as well would get a gender change operation." | ” |
| Chris [1] | ||
Chris's homophobia is just that: he is literally afraid of homosexuality and of anything that could conceivably cause a straight person to be "leered off the straight path." His terror is such that he can barely bring himself to even utter the word "gay" or any other term concerning gay people, except of course for "homo". He has said that he cannot even look at a picture of a penis without being "freaked out," and he has cited several techniques he believes are necessary to maintain his sexual attraction to women. Chris is also convinced that chances of homosexuality are raised as a direct result of not engaging in heterosexual intercourse before maturation.[2] His retarded Dating Education classes naturally being the reasonable solution to "turning homo." This attitude could be explained by one of two possibilities:
- Chris is a heterosexual idiot, so he thinks the slightest thing could turn him gay unless he maintains constant vigilance.
- Chris is a repressed homosexual, so he knows the slightest thing could turn him gay, because he can barely resist the temptation.
We don't yet have enough information to determine which of these is true. Until he kisses a man on the lips (currently scheduled for 2010), we may never know. Of course we have to consider (Because Chris' narcissism won't) the small point that anyone, gay/straight, man/woman, white/Black would most likely rather clean their genitals with sandpaper than touch Chris.
Hatred of homos
Chris's animosity towards gay people seems to result primarily from his fear of them and their supposed ability/desire to make him gay. He has often characterized the trolls as homos, which is either a basic ad hominem attack or a sincere belief that anyone who draws penises on Rosechu must be gay.
Notably, in an IRC chat from 02 January 2009, Chris made this statement:
| “ | if I could have it my way, I'd make it illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "Deck the Halls" | ” |
| Chris, 02 January 2009, 11:59 | ||
On 18 February 2009, Chris issued a retraction of his previous homophobic remarks and declared that he respects "the gay people" like he respects his gal pals and his sweethearts (is he telling us something?). However, this was mostly done at the insistence of Julie; by 10 March Chris was reciting verses from Leviticus 18 to justify his position against homos.
On 14 June 2009 he created a video called Don't Trust Any Homos Over There, which in the Chris-chan tradition of ruining everything you ever loved is a homophobic version of Uncle Ruckus's (from "The Boondocks") "Don't Trust Them New Niggas Over There".
Later on in the day he published an apology for the video called I'm sorry, Dude and mentioned that he likes gays who "ac--..accomplish other things like Stephen Fry who was a homosexual, but y'know he did a good job being a narrator on LittleBigPlanet." This is, of course, displays Chris' ignorance, as Stephen Fry is also a famous actor, comedian, writer, narrator (on things other than LBP), as well as an author of some extremely witty and charming blogs that have a large internet following, as well as being an advocate for gay rights. This apology however was only posted for the sake of his gal pal Kim's boyfriend whose gay brother apparently lost both his arms in Iraq.
Curiously, Chris goes out of his way to state that the children of Sonichu and Rosechu (that is, the fictional actors who portray them, and not the doubly-fictional characters themselves, if you want to add another layer of crazy to the parfait of suck that is the Sonichu series) are watched over by Heather Iglesias, whom he characterizes as "a pretty, trustworthy, good natured Spanish Lesbian." He further mentions that Heather keeps her sexuality a secret from the kids at the request of Sonichu himself. It is unknown why Chris mentions this, given that he has vacillated wildly in the past in his feelings on lesbianism, sometimes coming out in support and other times condemning it, or why the character is both Hispanic and a lesbian. It is possible that he thinks the two words are synonyms.
Chris occasionally tries to say he respects homosexuals for who they are. However, he repeatedly betrays his intolerance of different lifestyles, often withing the same statement.
| “ | "I personally respect the individual people as fellow human beings, and I am cool with associating with them as acquaintances and friends, but Please Do Not Wave Around what you do behind closed doors around me; NOBODY CARES TO KNOW; I PERSONALLY DO NOT CARE TO KNOW. Even within my imagination, I Do Not Care to even have the pictures Randomly Pop up in my head." | ” |
| Chris [3] | ||
Because it's OK for him to wave around his degenerate sexuality and showcase real life pictures of his disgusting activities, but god forbid an adjusted male adult mention they love other men.
On 26 July 2009, Chris goes as far as to call gay a synonym for stupid.
Evidence that Chris is a homo
Ironically, the harder Chris tries to convince people he's straight, the more gay he appears. He has absolutely no awareness that an uptight, milquetoast, squeaky-voiced man saying "I am straight! I have a subscription to Playboy!" every five minutes looks like he has something he's trying to hide. Furthermore, the more we learn about Chris, the more gay he really appears to be.
- He owns, or at least has owned, anal beads and a vibrator, and he is on record as having experimented with putting both toys in his anus. In a chat during the Vanessa Saga on 16 April 2009, he claimed that he no longer shoved things up his ass, except for "a narrow jet of water from my adjustable shower-head on a hose". Although it is conceivable that you can stick things up your butt and still be straight, people who are terrified of being turned gay generally do not do this.
- Christian argues that the vibrator and anal beads were sent to him as a free gift with an order of straight pornography; he did not ask for them or pay for them. AdamAndEve.com, however, generally does allow for a choice of gift (usually a sex toy or a DVD) and the sex toy is usually based on the purchase. So surprise, Chris got something phallic because he must have ordered something that would suggest he would enjoy a phallic sex toy.
- Chris gets upset that people know he has the vibrator and anal beads, and he gets upset that people think he's gay because he kept the vibrator and anal beads...but he never gets upset that the store sent him the vibrator and anal beads in the first place. You would think that if a troll sent him a dildo he'd be throwing a fit about it on YouTube, but no.
- Chris kept the vibrator around for months.
- He collects My Little Pony figures well into early adulthood. 'Nuff said.
- For a straight man, he does guzzle a lot of cum.
- In Mumble chats, Chris has said loudly "ICH BIN SCHWUL JULIE, ICH BIN SCHWUL WITH ALL MY HEART!" which, while it is the Molvanîan expression for "I love you", it is also (read: really, since Molvanîa isn't real) German for "I am gay."
- Christian has stated that if he were unable to stay straight he would undergo sex reassignment surgery; he would rather be female than gay. It should be noted that
99.9999999999996% ofstraight men never, ever, put this much thought into this hypothetical dilemma.
- On 05 February 2009 Chris posted two videos stating that he was coming out of the closet as a gay man. He later issued a retraction which was far less persuasive.
- When negotiating for the safe return of his PSN account from Max, Chris was given the choice of burning his medallion or shoving it up his ass. Chris immediately chose to shove it up his ass.
- Chris thought a straight woman would be turned on by a closeup picture of his anus.
- He wears a pink belt buckle.
- Chris says he is the King of All Cosmos, with the Cosmo being the pink drink originating from San Francisco associated with Sex and the City, and gay men everywhere. Additionally, the namesake Katamari character not only vomits rainbows as a mode of transportation, but wears open-chested shirts and colorful tights that show off his Liefeld-esque MASSIVE AREA.
- His best man at his wedding is Sarah Hammer in drag. Because he loves a woman who's dressed like a man.
- Axe, frequently used by gay men, is Chris's grooming product of choice, not to mention the cans are pretty phallic.
- He sang "I Love the Nightlife" on his visit to a local bar/restaurant, which is a song with large gay following.
- Christian and the Hedgehog Boys features two covers of the Backstreet Boys, one cover of a Britney Spears song and one cover of a Ricky Martin song. This music was popular among 13 year old girls when it was new and is popular among the gay community today.
- Chris sure talks a lot about things "out his ass" such as "lying out [his] ass" when saying "BILLY MAYS IS THE NEW MAYOR OF CWCVILLE."
Defenses against becoming homo
It's hard work for a warrior of true love and honesty to stay straight. Luckily, Chris has a Sailor Moon poster which he stares at everyday to stave off his temptations of homosexuality.
Chris also subscribes to Playboy to help keep himself straight. You can tell he's straight because when he's explaining what he finds attractive in women it only takes five minutes for him to get around to boobies and vaginas.
Chris on his alleged homosexuality
- "I AM STRAIGHT, DAMN IT! I WILL NOT BE VEERED INTO ANY OTHER DISGUSTINGLY GROTESQUE DIRECTION!!!!!"[4]
- "I'M STRAIGHT! I'M STRAIGHT! YOU'RE THE HOMOS! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU! [5]"
- "I'm straight, don't doubt me![6]"'
- "Listen, as hard as you fucking can, I CAME OUT OF MY AUTISTIC CLOSET AS A STRAIGHT MAN, and NOTHING ELSE. SO YOU IMMATURE JERKS CAN JUST FUCK OFF[7]."'
- "Yep, you heard me. I am...a gaaaaaaaaay...bian. [8]"
- "Anyway the, uh--anyway so, to get to the point...fine. I'm guhh. I'm gaaaay. I'm gaay. I said it...OK. Yep. So...did I really come out of the closet there? That just depends on y'all--how y'all understand it. [9]"
- "And look at me. Do I look like-- [shakes head in disagreement] No more of those stupid acquisition messages! Get it through your fucking, individual, damn, dirty, SKULLS! I. Am. STRAIGHT!" [10]
Alternatively, you could just read Chris pronounce his straightness for the umpteenth time on Cwcipedia.
Sauces
- ↑ E-mail to Megan, "I'm sorry... *sigh*:; Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2007 3:10 pm
- ↑ http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Dating_Education
- ↑ http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Homosexuality
- ↑ Masturbating and squirtin'
- ↑ Captain's Log, Stardate August 3rd, 2008
- ↑ PS3 History Level
- ↑ IRC (20 January 2009)
- ↑ Captain's Log, Stardate February 5th, 2009#Transcript of the First Video
- ↑ Captain's Log, Stardate February 5th, 2009#Transcript of the Second Video
- ↑ I Am The TRUE, Original Christopher Christian Weston Chandler; No Ifs, Ands or Buts
See also
- Gay 4 Sonichu
- Gaybian - a "male lesbian", according to Chris.
- Chris and sex
- Chris and religion