Song of Christian
At age sixteen Chris had to write a poem for class, but failed miserably. He later made a video that showed him raging about the deserved F which showed up on his documentary DVD.
Compared with his voice today, at age sixteen he emodied the dulcet tones of James Earl Jones and shared the octave range of Captain Beefheart. What happened in between then and his Harvey Birdman Commercial is up for debate.
The poem
I hear America singing as I sing of myself
And you experience as I experience
The problems of yourself are my problems.
[?] The young singing cries of happiness
As you have sung the song of laughter.
At age six weeks I sang this song of laughter
Then at one and a half years of age, the Lord put the mute button on me.
Those are my parents song they pulled me through to talk again at age seven.
I am now sixteen years old and good at talking enough to help me achieve new goals and Mario raceway records and to finish Homemade Nintendo Power magazine.
The magazine's songs, the ballad of Sonic the Hedgehog on Game Boy.
The rudeness of the teenager's song,
The despicable mention of rude words and...D-R-U-G-S.
I am not afraid to speak despite the hazardous flukes in America's song.
My song that I sing, although I talk well,
My peer relationship is low, and my loneliness is off the scale.
Analysis of the Text
Line 1. Compound plagiarism from the American poet, Walt Whitman, a notorious homosexual who wrote poems about masturbation.
Lines 2-3. Christian identifies himself with the rest of America in having "problems":
Lines 4-8. Christian discusses being Silent All These Years. As a child he had an unpleasant experience involving a babysitter named Roach that caused him not to speak for six and a half years.
Lines 9-10. Christian says he can talk fine now, plays video games, and made a homemade Nintendo Power magazine. Riveting stuff here.
Lines 11-13. Christian expresses discomfort with his peers, music, and lifestyle decisions, especially drugs.
Lines 14-16. Baw baw baw I'm lonely.
The poem is typically narrsicistic Chris. He talks at length about himself, gives boring autobiographical details as if we're supposed to feel pity for him, and seems to think he's the only person who's ever had any problems.
The video
Part 1
Just showing off his Homemade Nintendo Power magazine.
Part 2
Chris rages at 7:38 and 9:14 if you want to skip all the shit no one cares about.
Transcript
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This article is still yet to be completed due to stress. We get a lot of stressful torture in our lives that makes us crash into slumber. Given that inspiration is a big variable, and we may have been lacking of it, this article will be completed as soon as possible, at our own pace... HONEST!
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[simulates blowing a trumpet, or the sound of a diseased rooster, to mark his arrival]
Welcome ladies, and gentlemen, to the Christian Chandler Show!
Bringin' ya lots of laughs, and all that neat 'ol stuff. Now here he is, the host with the most: Christian Chandler!
[iritated undecipherable mutter] Anyway, uh, I'm gonna do my poem now so, here goes:
[recites poem]
An' anyway that's my poem.
Now we gotta go behind the lines, and see how it all got inspired.
And also wit' mother an' I, and also sometimes mother and I'd buy some Lego sets and build them together, like, for example... [mumbles about getting his "stupid thing"] oh yeah... Like for example this old, uh, bicycle (pig?) shop here. Ah, you can tell this is an old-fashioned Lego set on account of this-the old-fashioned "LegoLand" on the corner. Anyway, ah, we always built something like this, but uhh since that... and one time we even built a nice racetrack. I don't still have my Lego tin, but uh... I NAMED MY CAMERA NIBBLE(?)...[sigh] I don't think... that it's good to have, uh, oh well anyway.
Excuse me.
Anyway, Mother and I always had fun together. But then at age five, age seven my mouth blabbed ah I started blabbin' my mouth again. Daarn that collar! [Voice cracks] And then, uh, the ah "Helping to acheive new records on Mario Raceway". You know I like the play video games. I mean, I have: Nintendo 64 video games, the Super Nintendo games, Genesis, old-fashioned Nintedo, Game Boy, Game Gear, Sega CD, 32X, and I also got lotsa Tiger brand LCD games. An' anyway I was a video game p-person, and my favorite type of game were racing. So, um, one of my favorite Nintendo 64 games were-was Mario Kart 64. I'r, uh, I was already tryin' to beat my ghost on the, uh, Mario Raceway Time Trails mode. My best time, my best record is, as Mario: Ah minute, twenty-one, and eighty-nine seconds. Me-uh... excuse me... I mean a 1'21"89. Yeah, that's it. An' anyway I always like to beat my records.
But then the, uh, Nin-ten-do Ma-ga-zine that's da'uh maga-zine you heard that was lost. There it is: my home-made Nintendo Power magazine. Actually, that's just the cover. I'm, ah, working on it... on the insides, like a regular Nintendo Power magazine. When I'm done it should have a hundred-and-eight pages including the front cover, and the back cover. Ah, right now I'm only on, uh, page 35. [sigh] I'll show you, ah, the pages that are inside it. We have your, uh, your, ah, type of contest that they're mentioning of the main article... that goes with the table of contents there. [sigh] Then we have the winners section. Now you seen the, uh, the two envelopes on this page? I actually created them on u-other envelo-on two envelopes myself an' kinda copied that from the envelopes onto here. And on this page the three of those? I just kinda made up myself. That's, uh, Cruisin' USA, Zelda, and Yoshi's Story. [Christian exhales and ruffles through the pages]. And we have the, uh, Power Charts. Which is the Top Ten Nintendo 64, and Super Nintendo, and the Top Five Game Boy games. Of course the Most Wanted, and some more letters, and I just a made up a letter about somebody winning the Zelda contest. Ya know, test the Zelda 64 game that is gonna come out later. WAAAY later, I-in fact, we don't even know-we're not exactly sure WHEN it's gonna come out. Darnedest thing is slippin' on me [Christian reassembles the magazine].