The Hook Cafe

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Chris's profile image, or what Ash Ketchum would look like if he had grown up to be a fat and deeply closeted manchild.

The local alternative weekly paper in Charlottesville is The Hook, and its online personal-ads site is called The Hook Cafe. Some time in early 2010, Chris posted a personal ad at the Cafe under the nickname "direct2sex," declaring that he "Need Sexy Sweets from Woman." A ninety day pass to the site is $40, which means that Chris had to use his monthly tugboat to put the ad up.

The ad is one of the most blatant confirmations that Chris is no longer interested in "true love" and is now simply looking to get laid. This is not totally unexpected, as most of his followers have always believed that true honest love was merely a ruse to get sex, and that if Chris could get to the hanky-panky without having to actually care about someone, he would do so in a heartbeat. Before the discovery of this profile, the clearest evidence of this was one of Chris's mailbag responses.

Of note are the differences between this and his previous dating profiles. Chris is apparently making an attempt at being a grown up, and as a result he neglects to mention Sonichu, his autism or the fact he's a twenty eight year old virgin. He also has started to specify a desire for women 21 years or older (but not older than himself, despite his pretty obvious desire for a mother-like figure in his potential mate). In the past he had been open to the idea of dating an 18 year old, despite the vast age difference, and really only stopped at that age for legal reasons.

This is also not the first time Chris has posted a personal ad on the Hook Cafe. An earlier attempt, where Chris promoted himself as a "Handsome Virgin searching for Woman," fell victim to hackers around the beginning of 2009. Unfortunately, most of its original contents weren't preserved before the trolls gave it a makeover. It's the hacked version that's referred to in Chris's 20 January 2009 IRC chat.

On 9 April 2010, the moderators on the site deleted Chris's profile, possibly due to a flood of fake profiles set up by trolls. Several troll profiles were also deleted. With the death of this profile, Chris has apparently shifted his efforts back to OkCupid as his go-to for soliciting sex via the internet.

Ad

A screenshot of the ad, as of 5 April 2010.

The following is all the information included in the ad as of 5 April 2010. All misspellings or unusual capitalizations are from the original page. The peculiar entry under "Religion" (which lists his affiliation as both "Methodist" and "None") is probably the result of an error Chris made when filling out the form that produced his profile.

Introduction

I am an honest, compassionate gentleman, with a good sense of humor. I am looking for good time(s) with a woman; I'm not getting any younger. I would like a 21-28 year old woman with a pretty face, a sexy slim to average body and an honest and compassionate personality. Show me your honest and sweet interest and love, and I'll show you a good time. Hit me up with an e-mail with your photo and digits, and I will respond quickly in suit. Smokers, overweights, blacks and liars need not apply.

Characteristics

Gender: Man
Current Status: Single
Looking for: Friends with benefits, Some Action, Casual Dating
Body Type: Average, Muscular, Height / Weight proportionate
Eyes: L=Blue, R=Green
Height: 5' 10"
Hair Type: Brown
Age: 28
Seeks: Woman for Dating, Woman for Friendship

Profile

Education: College graduate
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Religion: None, Christian / Methodist
Political Leanings: Moderate
City: Ruckersville
Occupation: Artist
Have Children: No
Want Children: Yes

Habits

Smoking: Never
Drinking: Socially
Drugs: Not interested

Personality

I get around town via: Car, Walk
My dietary preferences are: Conscious Omnivore
I spend my free time: Reading, Creating, Playing sports, Clubbing, Working out, Watching movies, Shopping, Dining out, Biking
Funniest Thing: A man chasing a dog. And the dog has a ham in its mouth

Deeper

The best thing about Charlottesville is: The vast history behind it.

My radio dial is usually tuned to? Z-95.1

Quote a line from your favorite movie. Supercalifragilisticespialadocious

Thomas Jefferson makes me: feel inspired and better enjoy Charlottesville, VA.

The first thing I read in the Hook is? The Arts.

Name three things you shouldn't have eaten. Beets, Pickles, Relish.

Fill It

I'm an open-minded person, but smokers is a deal-breaker.

Design your ideal mate: the brain of a college graduate and the body of a Playboy Womam

People say my face is my best feature.

The first section I turn to in the Hook is the Arts

The quickest way to my heart is sweet compassion The quickest way to my bed is honest lovin' And in the morning, I like my eggs cooked fried and well-done

My favorite cartoon as a kid was Sonic the Hedgehog

Golden Corral is my favorite restaurant.

In and Out

Best Buy or Sidetracks

Summer or Winter

PC or Mac

Cavaliers or Redskins

Casket or Cremation

Fax or Email

Dyed or Natural

SUV or Sedan

See also

• Dating profiles
• Match.com