Ode to Julie

Ode to Julie is a video in which Chris is in a poetic mood and tries to get all Shakespearean for Julie. He manages to not fart for nearly eight minutes.

Coincidentally, Chris and Julie were much like Romeo and Juliet, in that the role of Julie was, in true Shakespearean tradition, played by a 13 year old boy.

Video

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“

O fair Julie… I love you so much in my heart.

”

Transcript

This is a, uh, long-distance love dedication… to my girlfriend… Julie. Beautiful woman, beautiful woman.

I love you, Julie, so very much. You are—you strike my thought at every moment, and it makes me po—it makes me ponder with such… [inhales deeply] love and desire.

I love you so much.

You came from far a—you came from a far distance… of the country Molvanîa. [sets down PS3 controller to free up both hands]

And also, throughout with respect, though I hold onto it with… single hand… I respectfully remove for you, Julie… [removes Sonichu medallion] my medal. And I hold it in my hand as I, uh, tell the truth in the video, here. [inhales deeply]

O fair Julie… [clutches chest] I love you so much in my heart. I—your voice strikes me like… a lute… on a spring day, or a red—or a red robin… in an early afternoon.

I look at and see your picture… [picks up picture] as you have sent to me. [stares at picture] And I look into your eyes… and I am deeply in awe, as your eyes are like chocolate-covered strawberries. They're brown on the outside, but the sweet, wonderful woman… that cares about me very much… and will love me no matter what—that is the strawberry within. That is your soul. [sets picture back down]

And, uh, we yet have a similar storyline to, uh, Romeo and Juliet. [voice cracks badly] Only one syllable misting—missing. It'd be like—if we’d add a syllable, it'd be like, "Christian-o and Juliet". [inhales deeply]

But every night, you can cr—e-e-every night you may cry, "Christian-o! Christian-o! Wherefore art thou, Christian-o?" And I would be there… int—in your heart – for I have—for my heart is with you. For if I called you up—for I would be there in your heart. And I would personally be calling out, "I am here, O fair Juliet. 'Tis no—'tis nobler thy name be heard every mom—every waking moment."

[inhales deeply, sighs, and clutches chest] "And Ju—the sun is in the east, and Juliet is the sun." Though I know not much Shakespeare, but at least I know enough… to getteth by!

I th—think of you, Juliet, at every moment… and it makes my heart… pound so much faster. It gets me… jazzed up like I was rell-wested, y'know, like after a buzz after drinkin' a… caffeinated beverage.

Because I have s—because we have talked for a little while and I have seen s—the love and honor… in my dr—in you, my Julie. [inhales deeply]

And you have seen… the yellow—the love and honor in my heart. And yet, also similar to Romeo and Juliet; though our families are not in quarrel with each other, my family is paranoid for my safety for traveling a long distance. Yet what used to—what separated us before… was an ocean and a bunch of other countries, including Germany. [inhales sharply] Yet now, the only thing that separates us… in distance… is north Virginia.

And yet, I would be willing to, uh, travel that dista—travel the, uh, distance that may—that may… be equal to less than a day… after I have the money… and my mother… is less para-noid.

But you s—but it is not, uh… as much parental restriction as it is, uh… I feel I need the emotional support… to back me up in my… fair quest for a true l—for a true love.

And let's not forget my, uh… past—my, uh, past. Mmm…

I'll only mention her once, but… Panda? I know that you are… somewhere up there… after the fire… and we will not forget you.

But… I look to a bright future, where Julie and I will feel the l—will feel that—will feel that love (and then more) after we are… brought together… by a v—by a vrooming… bit of fate… that is a small traveling distance.

But I would lo—I love you, Julie. I love you so much that I'd be willing to, uh… spend the amount that is needed… to—for the gas (and the food) to travel the less-than-a-day trip… to you.

[clutches chest] And if anything should happen to you, my sweet Julie… it would hurt me so much. It would hurt me.

But we don't need to face such, uh, grim consequences… as you are—as, uh, we both are living alive and well… and, uh, we also have the support… of, uh… your brother… and, uh… [inhales deeply] w—and, uh, another one who is—who was a troll, but has emotionally… took a 180. 160? No, 180. It's 360 that's full. [sniffles]

The only f—the only factor missing that would—the only thing missing that would complete… [inhales deeply] the emotional support… [sighs] would be that of my fam—would be that of… my mother. For she is the app—for—even though—for my father....

Ennh. You know what? I talk too much about, uh, what prevents us from being together. But… I promise you, Julie, that… in the near future, we will be together, whether it be by my… swift… [inhales sharply] driving distance....

And I'd be wi—and I'd be willing to travel that distance, after I get the directions.

Because I love you with my heart, Julie. [clutches chest]

I love you for… who you are: the sweet, kind, gentle person that you are. The woman that understands me very much. [sniffles]

We have a good number of things in common, Julie. And I am proud that—to hear—to know that you are… going to a church, as well.

It's gonna be a…

Well, hopefully, with the power of God… at our sides… we'll be together very soon. For the power of God can influence even the, uh, most paranoid of souls, I'm sure.

[strains until he farts wetly, then sighs contentedly]

So, I pray to him every night… that you and I would be together… with full emotional support… from everyone within our rea—within our respective reach.

[sighs and clutches chest] My heart yearns for you, Julie, very much. I love you. I love you, Julie!

I cannot say that… I would die without you, because that would be an exaggeration. But… I would—but it is better to say that… I am a more… nobler and much better… person… when I am around you and when I think of you… or when I talk to you.

[reaches down and picks up picture again] Mmm. And I look at your… [stares at picture] beautiful face in your picture. [glances back at the camera and smiles slyly]

[sets picture back down again] I love you, Julie. I love you with my heart. [clutches chest]

I'll be—I am always with you… in spirit. And soon enough, I will be with you in person. So, y'know… every night I can call out, "O fair Juliet! Fair Juliet! Wherefore art thou, fair Juliet?" And you would… wait—well, I mean, you would wander… from the bushes that is the distance… into my heart. And you would say, "I am here, O fair Christian-o, for—and we are to be together, as the gods join—as the gods… so willed… for it. And yet, uh… we tra—and yet, we traveled this distance to be together. Our hearts… are emotionally joined."

So, let us get together, Julie, because… you j—you love me, and I love you.

Both of us love each other with our hearts.

[hugs himself] I'm hugging you, Julie. Mmm… mmm.

[loudly drops medallion and picks PS3 controller back up]

I'll talk to you later.