List of Chris's sweethearts

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Chris, despite being autistic, lazy, and fat, has had many attractive young ladies thrown themselves upon him to hold the title of being Chris's TRUE and HONEST sweetheart.

How does Chris get so many women?

Originally, he would make the ladies swoon with his to-the-point signs and his excessive burl but in more recent times his bubbly nature has subsided. For at least a decade he was so desperate to lose his moniker of "Virgin with rage," that when a girl threw herself at Chris saying how awesome and hunky he was, Chris was ready and willing to sweep them off their feet and bring them into his life. Until recently, that was what you would expect from him.

The Women and Man in Chris's Life

Lori Lopez

An American/Spanish girl who Chris met through MySpace via Joshua Martinez in November 2007. Not much is known about these two during their short time together.

Blanca Weiss

A girl Chris met online around August 2008. She was the first to introduce a character for the Sonichu comics. Things had pretty much went swimmingly between the two until Chris began suspecting something about her. At the same time, he began seeing another woman, causing friction between the two of them. When Blanca asked to see his medallions, Chris happily obliged until trolls intercepted and destroyed them. Soon after, Blanca broke up with Chris, shattering his heart (Chris would revision this event with him dumping her.)

Sarah Jackson

A woman Chris met the same time he was with Blanca. When the two women finally confronted each other, Chris chose Blanca. Sarah would later die by a truck hitting her.


A possible codename for PandaHalo. When Chris broke up with Blanca, Chris claimed he was seeing a girl named Chloe, whom he claimed to have met at a GameStop. Many never bought Chris's claims and Chloe was never mentioned again.


A girl Chris met at the same time he was seeing Blanca. When he and Blanca broke up, Chris immediately set his sights on Panda. Panda discovered just how desperate he was for sex when he admitted he would gladly have sex with an animal for her pleasure. Panda would later be raped by Clyde Cash and be pregnant with his child. Chris tried to get her to have an abortion while Panda attempted to get him to join her and Clyde in Clyde's mansion. In the end, Chris gave up Panda to Clyde when she told him he if they wanted to stay together, he should make Sonichu a reality, and Chris didn't want to put that much work into it.


Soon after breaking up with Panda, Chris immediately began seeing Julie. Through Julie, Chris began doing a number of sex acts and recording them. One of these moments was interrupted by Bob Chandler. In late February, Max, Julie's brother, held her against her will, forcing Chris to mount a daring rescue which didn't exactly work. Max would put Chris through the rings, showing how desperate Chris was for a girl, before revealing that both Max and Julie never existed - they were the same person.


Another girl Chris had eyes for. He began seeing her not long after the incident with Julie. During this time, Chris went to great lengths to show how much he was in love with Ivy. Unlike Panda and Julie, Ivy never showed any interest in sexual acts, preferring seeing the comics instead. Chris happily obliged, creating three special comics in the process, even wanting to get married. Sadly, Ivy would break up with Chris after getting into a major clusterfuck with an obvious troll.


When Liquid Chris made his appearance, Chris fought valiantly to prove his identity. When Chris discovered that Liquid had a girlfriend named Kacey, he attempted to win her over, the assumption being that, as the TRUE and HONEST Chris, she should be his girlfriend. When Liquid made his comeback months later, Chris would successfully win Kacey over. He would lose her not even weeks later due to a combination of being stood up for a date, a confrontation with her father, and a horrific comic. Kacey would later break with Chris and be happily married to Liquid.


Chris' sweetheart from April to October 2010. Chris met her on the HooK Café. While Jackie was less brutal than most of his fake sweethearts, Chris eventually saw through Jackie's trolling and ended the relationship.


Catherine was a sweetheart/troll that Chris pursued in mid-2014 after he found that she was a 97% match on OkCupid in July 2014. Catherine saw an opportunity to document our TRUE and HONEST hero and accepted a lunch date at Applebees. They chatted until Catherine friendzoned Chris in September 2014 for being creepy and generally clingy, which resulted in I Love You, Catherine. Catherine cut Chris off completely in December 2014.

Jessica Quinn

Jessica started as a white knight in 2015. She stayed on the back burner until a few months after Chris was friendzoned by Doopie in September 2017, when they entered a complicated relationship on Facebook. Most of their dating involved talking through Facebook posts, eventually Chris liked a Tweet from a female complimenting him which caused her to temporarily break up with him. This caused Chris to upload a crying video and Barb to win her back for Chris. They patched things up after a couple days and then planned to see the My Little Pony movie that was coming out that October. In early October Chris was encouraged to rejoin Kiwi Farms and do a Q&A thread with a video shortly afterward. The day after Chris answered questions on video Quinn's account shut down and she blamed Chris for it, saying that he attracted hackers from Kiwi Farms. Thus breaking up with him a final time and causing him to have his biggest tard rage video since Surfshack Tito. She tried to re-insert herself in early 2018 but by then Chris was entrenched in the Idea Guy Saga and was thwarted by the Idea Guys themselves. Jessica Quinn serves as the final sweetheart of the Lovequest as Chris abandoned the quest in March 2018 due to influence from the Idea Guys.

Cryzel, Magi-Chan, Sylvana, Mewtwo

Chris's polyamorous marriage to fictional characters, a belief planted in his mind by the Idea Guys beginning in March 2018.

Jacob Sockness

Jacob started out as a hardcore white knight in September 2018 and had a stroke of luck in July 2019 when Chris followed him on Twitter. Despite Chris's blatant homophobia during the lovequest, he was brainwashed into identifying as bisexual by the Idea Guys in 2018. Jacob, who has been open about his sexual desires for Chris, took things a step further and groomed Chris into warming up to the idea of a relationship by manipulating him using Magi-Chan and the Dimensional Merge. Despite Jacob being forced to turn back en route to visit Chris in September 2019, Chris still keeps in contact with Jacob as he was led to believe he is the key to unlocking the Dimensional Merge, and is going along with Jacob's suggestion for a relationship, stating that they could kiss at some point. Jacob was later friendzoned on 27 November in a Twitter thread by Chris stating that he didn't need to be in a relationship with Jacob in order for the Dimensional Merge to happen and was blocked once and for all in August 2020.