List of Chris's sweethearts
Chris, despite being autistic, lazy, and fat, has had many attractive young ladies thrown themselves upon him, or have unintentionally been dragged into drama surrounding him, to hold the title of being Chris's TRUE and HONEST sweetheart.
- 1 How does Chris get so many women?
- 2 The Women and Man in Chris's Life
- 2.1 Sarah Hammer
- 2.2 Hanna
- 2.3 Megan
- 2.4 Lori
- 2.5 Blanca
- 2.6 Sarah Jackson
- 2.7 Chloe
- 2.8 PandaHalo
- 2.9 Julie
- 2.10 Emily
- 2.11 Ivy
- 2.12 Faeryn
- 2.13 Vanessa
- 2.14 Kacey
- 2.15 "The Wallflower"
- 2.16 Jackie
- 2.17 Catherine
- 2.18 DoopieDoOver
- 2.19 Jessica
- 2.20 Various OCs (Cryzel, Magi-Chan, Sylvana, and Mewtwo)
- 2.21 Jacob
- 2.22 "The Everfree Suitress"
- 2.23 Bella
- 2.24 Barbara
How does Chris get so many women?
Originally, he would make the ladies swoon with his to-the-point signs and his excessive burl but in more recent times his bubbly nature has subsided. For at least a decade he was so desperate to lose his moniker of "Virgin with rage," that when a girl threw herself at Chris saying how awesome and hunky he was, Chris was ready and willing to sweep them off their feet and bring them into his life. Until recently, that was what you would expect from him.
The Women and Man in Chris's Life
The original, and the first person that Chris tried to bond with, as well as Chris' first manipulator, even before Encyclopedia Dramatica. Once a gal-pal of his, Sarah was a childhood "friend" of Chris who tricked him into crawling into a tight, dark, cobweb infested space. She was also part of the reason as to why Chris began his Love Quest. When Wes Iseli started dating her, Chris had felt there was a romantic rivalry going on between the both of them, even though Sarah had little concern about Chris at the time, and Wes barely even knew him.
One of the first incidents of Chris being lured in by a fake sweetheart. She is noted for managing to drop Chris' Heart Level down to 15%, when previously it jumped from 20% to 100%.
Possibly the epitome of the term. The love story began between her and Chris around 2004, and all seemed well even amidst Megan's reluctance. However, things would come crashing down one summer day in 2007, when some Manajerks decided to play Kick the Autistic and cheat Chris out of a contest in which he had hoped would tie the knot with her once and for all. Chris's anger at his loss, combined with certain other actions, somehow drove her away, as well as any chance at winning back her heart.
A girl Chris met online around August 2008. She was the first to introduce a character for the Sonichu comics. Things had pretty much gone swimmingly between the two until Chris began suspecting something about her. At the same time, he began seeing another woman, causing friction between the two of them. When Blanca asked to see his medallions, Chris happily obliged until trolls intercepted and destroyed them. Soon after, Blanca broke up with Chris, shattering his heart (Chris would revision this event with him dumping her.)
A woman Chris met the same time he was with Blanca. When the two women finally confronted each other, Chris chose Blanca. Sarah would later die by a truck hitting her.
A possible codename for PandaHalo. When Chris broke up with Blanca, Chris claimed he was seeing a girl named Chloe, whom he claimed to have met at a GameStop. Many never bought Chris's claims and Chloe was never mentioned again.
A girl Chris met at the same time he was seeing Blanca. When he and Blanca broke up, Chris immediately set his sights on Panda. Panda discovered just how desperate he was for sex when he admitted he would gladly have sex with an animal for her pleasure. Panda would later be raped by Clyde Cash and be pregnant with his child. Chris tried to get her to have an abortion while Panda attempted to get him to join her and Clyde in Clyde's mansion. In the end, Chris gave up Panda to Clyde when she told him he if they wanted to stay together, he should make Sonichu a reality, and Chris didn't want to put that much work into it.
Soon after breaking up with Panda, Chris immediately began seeing Julie. Through Julie, Chris began doing a number of sex acts and recording them. One of these moments was interrupted by Bob Chandler. In late February, Max, Julie's brother, held her against her will, forcing Chris to mount a daring rescue that didn't exactly work. Max would put Chris through the rings, showing how desperate Chris was for a girl, before revealing that both Max and Julie never existed - they were the same person.
Chris's first real date, and one of the very few gal-pals Chris ever had the decency & privilege of dating. However, their time together would be cut short after a Man in a Pickle Suit scared her away.
Another girl Chris had eyes for. He began seeing her not long after the incident with Julie. During this time, Chris went to great lengths to show how much he was in love with Ivy. Unlike Panda and Julie, Ivy never showed any interest in sexual acts, preferring seeing the comics instead. Chris happily obliged, creating three special comics in the process, even wanting to get married. Sadly, Ivy would break up with Chris after getting into a major clusterfuck with an obvious troll.
When Liquid Chris made his appearance, Chris fought valiantly to prove his identity. When Chris discovered that Liquid had a girlfriend named Kacey, he attempted to win her over, the assumption being that, as the TRUE and HONEST Chris, she should be his girlfriend. When Liquid made his comeback months later, Chris would successfully win Kacey over. He would lose her not even weeks later due to a combination of being stood up for a date, a confrontation with her father, and a horrific comic. Kacey would later break with Chris and be happily married to Liquid.
According to a set of e-mails that Chris sent to Vivian Gee, on 22 January 2010, Chris had met a young woman at a "Young Adult Social Group". Apparently learning nothing from the Megan drama, and despite her insistence that they weren't dating, Chris committed extensively to forming a romantic relationship with her.
Chris' sweetheart from April to October 2010. Chris met her on the HooK Café. While Jackie was less brutal than most of his fake sweethearts, Chris eventually saw through Jackie's trolling and ended the relationship.
Catherine was a sweetheart/troll that Chris pursued in mid-2014 after he found that she was a 97% match on OkCupid in July 2014. Catherine saw an opportunity to document our TRUE and HONEST hero and accepted a lunch date at Applebees. They chatted until Catherine friendzoned Chris in September 2014 for being creepy and generally clingy, which resulted in I Love You, Catherine. Catherine cut Chris off completely in December 2014.
Doopie Darling. While Chris appeared to have thought of her as a potential gal pal or maybe even someone who was interested in him, she simply saw him as just another customer. Needless to say, Chris did his absolute best to become her knight in shining armor when the times were dire.
Jessica started as a white knight in 2015. She stayed on the back burner until a few months after Chris was friendzoned by Doopie in September 2017, when they entered a complicated relationship on Facebook. Most of their dating involved talking through Facebook posts, eventually, Chris liked a Tweet from a female complimenting him which caused her to temporarily break up with him. This caused Chris to upload a crying video and Barb to win her back for Chris. They patched things up after a couple of days and then planned to see the My Little Pony movie that was coming out that October. In early October Chris was encouraged to rejoin Kiwi Farms and do a Q&A thread with a video shortly afterward. The day after Chris answered questions on video Quinn's account shut down and she blamed Chris for it, saying that he attracted hackers from Kiwi Farms. Thus breaking up with him a final time and causing him to have his biggest tard rage video since Surfshack Tito. She tried to re-insert herself in early 2018 but by then Chris was entrenched in the Idea Guy Saga and was thwarted by the Idea Guys themselves. Jessica Quinn serves as the final sweetheart of the Lovequest as Chris abandoned the quest in March 2018 due to influence from the Idea Guys.
Jacob started out as a hardcore white knight in September 2018 and had a stroke of luck in July 2019 when Chris followed him on Twitter. Despite Chris's blatant homophobia during the lovequest, he was brainwashed into identifying as bisexual by the Idea Guys in 2018. Jacob, who has been open about his sexual desires for Chris, took things a step further and groomed Chris into warming up to the idea of a relationship by manipulating him using Magi-Chan and the Dimensional Merge. Despite Jacob being forced to turn back en route to visit Chris in September 2019, Chris still keeps in contact with Jacob as he was led to believe he is the key to unlocking the Dimensional Merge and is going along with Jacob's suggestion for a relationship, stating that they could kiss at some point. Jacob was later friendzoned on 27 November in a Twitter thread by Chris stating that he didn't need to be in a relationship with Jacob in order for the Dimensional Merge to happen and was blocked once and for all in August 2020.
The Suitress, a young autistic woman, started out as a moderator of a Chris related subreddit, and had formed a genuine crush on Chris. When she stumbled across one of Bella's Discord servers, she believed that following through with Bella's plans to get her closer to Chris would ultimately work in her favor, completely unaware of either Chris's incestuous relationship with his mother, or Bella's plot to have Chris kill himself. She would end up being the one who leaked the incest calls when Bella sent them to her, ultimately bringing the end to the entire Chris Chan saga.
Isabella Loretta Janke, a troll who planned to get Chris to kill himself, and extorted sums of money from him, had ironically gotten some degree of engagement from Chris. This was part of the reason why her plot for him and the Suitress turned out more difficult than anticipated, as Chris has been insistent on booking a room with her, rather than the Suitress.
It seems that after all these years, the sweetheart Chris sought after was right in front of him all along, laying there amidst the heaps of trash and toys within 14 Branchland Court. But we, the people of 1218, would never let them be together, and so the authorities tragically took them away from each other, with Chris being locked up and Barb being left to sulk in her chamber, both lonely and heartbroken...