United States of America

Christian's primary thoughts on the U.S....

“	Okay, I don't know the words, but I am being patriotic here!	”
Chris, forgetting the national anthem.

Chris is a citizen of the United States of America, a federal democratic republic nation in the western hemisphere. The nation is considered the only remaining superpower since the end of the cold war, and is a leading economic, political, and cultural force in the world.

Chris's stance on the nation he lives in is inconsistent at best. While he claims to be a good citizen who loves and respects his country, his actions are often very obviously contrary to these claims.

Politics

...Christian's other thoughts on the U.S.

At a glance, Chris's sense of politics seem very inconsistent; on some issues, he takes a very conservative stance, on others a very liberal one. That said, the quagmire of political inclinations becomes much simpler once you realize that Chris doesn't vote on what's good for America, but on what's good for Chris. As such, he's against gay marriage because he hates da homos, supported Obama because he saw himself in him (before he accused him of selling out the country to brown-skinned people), and supports abortion because he thinks it might make girls more inclined to fuck him.

Chris proclaims himself to be a "moderate". While typically this simply means not having extreme or overly partisan political beliefs, he takes this as an general-purpose response to all questions about politics, including ones that have no defined middle path. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the Mailbags, where Chris will often dodge giving his opinion on issues every voter should have an opinion on, simply because he has no opinion.

Understanding of government

Chris's grasp of how the government works, much like Chris's grasp on reality as a whole, is shaky at best. One of the most telling examples of this is his ignorant stance on taxation and welfare. Because Chris is jobless, he pays no taxes and presumably files no tax returns. However, he still thinks of himself as a contributing member of society, because he pays sales taxes on the massive amount of crap he buys.

“	My spending that money ends up going to others who get such welfare and all as well.... I am sharing the wealth with others who are on that tugboat as well.	”
Chris, explaining why he deserves free money.

It's highly unlikely that Chris understands the massive discrepancy between the amount the government pays him and the amount he gives back via sales tax. Chris also fails to understand the fact that sales taxes are collected by the state, and his welfare comes from the federal government.

Chris also seems to have difficulty understanding what the true purpose of government actually is. The U.S. government's duty is to follow the will of the majority while respecting the rights of the minority, to protect its citizens from danger, and to ensure the continued prosperity of the nation. When asked hypothetical questions about what he would do if he were running things, he proposes bizarre sweeping laws that single out certain minorities, and force people into relationships whether they want to be in one or not.

“	All Men and Women would be paired up in straight couples, leaving none alone; any remaining will be saved for upcoming men/women respectively. All gays would be reprogrammed and encouraged to be straight.	”
Chris on effective leadership.

The fact that this would not help the country at all, and in fact could possibly destroy society as we know it, does not factor into Chris's thinking. By his logic, since he wants a girlfriend, everybody must want a girlfriend, and if everybody wants a girlfriend, the government needs to make it happen. Over the years, Chris has proposed a large number of laws, even sending letters to President Barack Obama demanding legislation against trolls and homos. This is completely useless for two reasons: one, the President of the United States has much more pressing concerns than making an insane manchild in Ruckersville, VA, happy, and two, the US President can't make laws.

Oddly, the closest analog for how Chris views his government is how Chris views his religion. He treats both the US government and God as things that can be completely ignored unless he has a personal problem, at which point they should immediately step in and help. He believes that both have a deeply vested interest in himself, often at the expense of everybody else. God should damn Clyde Cash, and the FBI should arrest him. It doesn't matter that Clyde hasn't done anything the FBI would be terribly interested in; Chris is mad at him, and that's all that matters.

Chris on patriotism

As Chris likes to point out, he is a “true American” and a patriot. He's very concerned with his image as a patriot, and never misses an opportunity to emphasize it. These attempts, however, often feel forced or out of place. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the Clarksville Address:

“	Yes, sir, my loving, caring Sweetheart and I have come to discuss the web page in question. We humbly request that it would be removed from the internet for good. For you are not just dragging Christian Weston Chandler's name in the mud, you also drag the American hopes and dreams and ideas of the majority of these great, humble United States of America along with him.	”
Sonichu, delivering the Clarksville Address

Chris's battle against ED really doesn't have anything to do with America or patriotism; he just knows it's good to be patriotic, and that means he's the good guy. Thus, patriotic symbolism is thrown in, without really even considering whether or not it makes sense in context. Chris is patriotic simply because he believes that's what's expected of him. His attempts to prove his patriotism are undermined, however, by his tendency to mock national tragedies and complete inability to sing even the most well-known patriotic songs. If anything, Chris's attempts to prove himself a "true American" end up having the opposite effect.

This use of the patriotism card isn't limited to the USA, however. He co-opts Scottish and Irish national sentiment in his kilt-clad tirade against Surfshack Tito and attempts to use the fact that February 24 is Mexico's Flag Day to justify turning his own birthday into a holiday. Note that in both of these cases, Chris's sheer ignorance of other nations means he fails spectacularly at patriotism.

Chris bastardising the American flag with his favorite shirt