Song of Christian
Song of Christian was a poem that Chris, at age sixteen, had to write for a class. He failed miserably.
He later made a video that showed him raging about the deserved F which showed up on his documentary DVD. This time, he failed to do two things: Use of proper lighting (and video cameras didn't come with night vision features those days) and coming up with a something to interesting to say before the camera was rolling. This is easily one of the most sleep-inducing videos he ever made. But don't rest too comfortably - there are some parts in it that will wake you up.
Compared with his voice today, at age sixteen he embodied the dulcet tones of James Earl Jones and shared the octave range of Captain Beefheart. What happened in between then and his Harvey Birdman Commercial is up for debate.
Part 1
Transcript
[simulates blowing a trumpet, or the sound of a diseased rooster, to mark his arrival]
Welcome ladies, and gentlemen, to the Christian Chandler Show!
Bringin' ya lots of laughs, and all that neat 'ol stuff. Now here he is, the host with the most: Christian Chandler!
[iritated undecipherable mutter] Anyway, uh, I'm gonna do my poem now so, here goes:
“I hear America singing as I sing of myself
And you experience as I experience
The problems of yourself are my problems.
The youth and the young singing cries of happiness
As you have sung the song of laughter.
At age six weeks I sang this song of laughter
Then at one and a half years of age, the Lord put the mute button on me.
Those are my parents song they pulled me through to talk again at age seven.
I am now sixteen years old and good at talking enough to help me achieve
New goals and Mario raceway records and to finish Homemade Nintendo Power magazine.
The magazine's songs, the ballad of Sonic the Hedgehog on Game Boy.
The rudeness of the teenager's song,
The despicable mention of rude words and...D-R-U-G-S.
I am not afraid to speak despite the hazardous flukes in America's song.
My song that I sing, although I talk well,
My peer relationship is low, and my loneliness is off the scale.”
An' anyway that's my poem.
Now we gotta go behind the lines, and see how it all got inspired.
And also wit' mother an' I, and also sometimes mother and I'd buy some Lego sets and build them together, like, for example... [mumbles about getting his "stupid thing"] oh yeah... Like for example this old, uh, bicycle (pig?) shop here. Ah, you can tell this is an old-fashioned Lego set on account of this-the old-fashioned "LegoLand" on the corner. Anyway, ah, we always built something like this, but uhh since that... and one time we even built a nice racetrack. I don't still have my Lego tin, but uh... I NAMED MY CAMERA NIBBLE(?)...[sigh] I don't think... that it's good to have, uh, oh well anyway.
Excuse me.
Anyway, Mother and I always had fun together. But then at age five, age seven my mouth blabbed ah I started blabbin' my mouth again. Daarn that collar! [Voice cracks] And then, uh, the ah "Helping to acheive new records on Mario Raceway". You know I like the play video games. I mean, I have: Nintendo 64 video games, the Super Nintendo games, Genesis, old-fashioned Nintedo, Game Boy, Game Gear, Sega CD, 32X, and I also got lotsa Tiger brand LCD games. An' anyway I was a video game p-person, and my favorite type of game were racing. So, um, one of my favorite Nintendo 64 games were-was Mario Kart 64. I'r, uh, I was already tryin' to beat my ghost on the, uh, Mario Raceway Time Trails mode. My best time, my best record is, as Mario: Ah minute, twenty-one, and eighty-nine seconds. Me-uh... excuse me... I mean a 1'21"89. Yeah, that's it. An' anyway I always like to beat my records.
But then the, uh, Nin-ten-do Ma-ga-zine that's da'uh maga-zine you heard that was lost. There it is: my home-made Nintendo Power magazine. Actually, that's just the cover. I'm, ah, working on it... on the insides, like a regular Nintendo Power magazine. When I'm done it should have a hundred-and-eight pages including the front cover, and the back cover. Ah, right now I'm only on, uh, page 35. [sigh] I'll show you, ah, the pages that are inside it. We have your, uh, your, ah, type of contest that they're mentioning of the main article... that goes with the table of contents there. [sigh] Then we have the winners section. Now you seen the, uh, the two envelopes on this page? I actually created them on u-other envelo-on two envelopes myself an' kinda copied that from the envelopes onto here. And on this page the three of those? I just kinda made up myself. That's, uh, Cruis'n USA, Zelda, and Yoshi's Story. [Christian exhales and ruffles through the pages]. And we have the, uh, Power Charts. Which is the Top Ten Nintendo 64, and Super Nintendo, and the Top Five Game Boy games. Of course the Most Wanted, and some more letters, and I just a made up a letter about somebody winning the Zelda contest. Ya know, test the Zelda 64 game that is gonna come out later. WAAAY later, I-in fact, we don't even know-we're not exactly sure WHEN it's gonna come out. Darnedest thing is slippin' on me [Christian reassembles the magazine].
Part 2
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WARNING! This video features high levels of Tard Rage. |
Transcript
[Chris mutters under his breath and fiddles with the papers.]
Uh... this may even be a rumor so you... my magazine is falling apart on me. I mean it's just paper clipped. So sue me. I'm still working on it.
[Continues looking through pages.]
Now let me just find that page again... Well, they have the old castle again, but now I got the special moves, the spin dash, pound the baw- pound the ground, spin, punch. There's that cool picture of Sonic co- in the co- in the corner. Isn't that cool or what, huh? Three DI-mensional. That's what I call cool. Yeah...
[Mumbling and looking through pages.]
And then I have Sonic's friends that help, of course Tails that flies, Knuckles that punches and flies, and Bionic... WELLLLL you heard rumors about Bionic. He's that Sonic's brother I made up myself who's that very good basketball player and mechanic. Uh... I can tell you the background story on him. I could tell you about it... I'll just make it quick so I can tell you anyway. Bionic was Sonic's older brother, please note older. Anyway, one day when they were very young, they were playing a ca- playing the game of catch, Sonic accidentally threw the ball into the bushes. Bionic offered to get it because he was closer to it. He went in the bushes, but then there was a- but there was a warp... p-portal there, and he got sucked into it. Sonic tried to get him out, but Sonic fell into it, went to a dimension of ba- abou- basketball. But then uh... years later, Bionic found a way to es- found a portal to go back to Sonic and end up in Sonic's... new home in Knothole. And uh... Sonic and Bionic lived together from then on. Anyway, he's a great mechanic too.
Anyway, I got some pictures here that uh... shows how Sonic's friends help him... climbing along Knuckles, Tails flying, Sonic... and Bionic... breaking a lot- destorying a lot- breaking a lot of Dr. Robotnik's evil machines.
And yet, of course you know Sonic on Gameboy originally was Sonic and Knuckles, but I decided to do something different in this magazine. Sonic and Knuckles Two... I mean, a sequel, yeah... Anyway you got your coverage there, and I put a little Dr. Robotnik in the corner saying, (changes voice) "I HATE SONIC! AND I HATE THAT ECHIDNA TOO!".
[Bends over to adjust paperclip that is holding his homemade Nintendo Power together, muttering.]
Oh dear, the paperclip is slipping. Darn that thing.
[Comes back up.]
Yeah... And of course you know I've got my basic "coverages" about a file... selector, and another water zone, Knuckles- playing as Knuckles, and a... special stage. Cool, huh?
[Turns page.]
And then I made up a Super Nintendo game. SUPER Sonic. Yeah it's a Super Nintendo game with all- with some of the Sonic games in one Super Nintendo cartridge. Hey look, check this out, we got Sonic hanging ten on a Super Nintendo controller. YEAAAH (hums music). Anyway, then I got some... coverage on the... Sonic uh... with the... how you select the game you wanna play. And of course I got Sonic One picture there, and Sonic Three.
[Flips through pages.]
Oh dear...
And then I have the uh... coverage on the games. I got Sonic 1, Sonic 2, Sonic 3, and Sonic and Knuckles in there... yeah the original Sonic and Knuckles I'm talking about, not Sonic and Knuckles 2.
But then, I made up another Nintendo 64 game. Uh... sort of interesting to teenagers. I call it BEAST WARS... Transformers. And except these aren't all about the missions, they're firece (mispronunciation of fierce?). It's always the uh maximum critical in spite of each other (?). And I made somes- fantasize- suh that... it will be RumblePak compatible. And becau- and the uh... bots that I put in it... goes as follows. I got Optimus Primal, and uh... Cheetor, Rattrap, Silverbolt, Dinobot, Megatron... Tarantulas, Waspinator, Quickstrike, and Inferno.
And then I uh... before Soni- before I made the cover of Sonic, I made up a uh... other Nintendo Power cover, which I made of... uh... you heard of Megaman XTC Nintendo? Well that's what I did. Megaman XTC FOUR. Check that out, cool picture. IT'S BACK. And then there's some coverage uh... about some of the stuff about him in the... Sigma's return... Zil (?) being captured and... it's his armor. It's actually revived armor... the- from the original first- the first Megaman X game... except more powerful. Because (mumbles)... oh whatever...
Anyway, I got a bunch of bosses from the three Megaman X games and a couple of the classic Megaman games. I got Storm Eagle, Snake Man, Wheel Gator, Neon Tiger... (mumbles "oh jeez" while flipping through pages)... Gravity Beetle, Bubble Crab, Shadow Man... and uh... why not Megaman X without the old... classic Megaman X boss... (fumbles with pages, mumbling) Oh dear... these things are slipping on me... Anyway, Chill Penguin. Yeah that penguin is back, alright. I got each of these bosses, have a 3D battle song (?), and of course now I got coverage of Sigma's return, I got Robot's dogra form (?), then I made up a new dissent (?) for old Dr. Wiley, Dr. Wiley Jr. here, he's fighting Megaman in a robot MONKEY. Monkey... And then I got Sigma's return... and this is actually from that cover of Meg- that cover I made up. I mean, it's actually destroying Sigma (?) but this is from his view. It's actually from the opposite side... of the battlefield.
So right now I'm working on the classified information... begun with Sonic- parts of Sonic 1 and Sonic 2, and I just did Mario Kart 64. And for Nintendo Power... I'm tracing another copy. Yeah, you can tell it's another copy, because lookit there, Sonic is a bit more uh... chubbier there. You can tell the difference right there. All right on um... this tracing thing I only got to page 60, it was the beginning of Super Sonic...
But moving on... yeah... the rudeness of the teenagers song... of course now- of course you know I'm talking about those despicable rude words they got down in there... I mean... ah you know, w-w-when they say those... sound like... "Oh *beeeep*". And uh... "oh *booop*" and "son of a *boop*"... you understand what I'm talking about? I mean, that just really ticks me off. And I hope this video's getting through to those tee- to those students in that English class of mine. I HOPE THEY GET IT THROUGH THEIR HEADS AND EV- AND GET IT THROUGH TO EVERYONE IN THAT SCHOOL, THAT THAT RUDE LANGUAGE IS CRUEL, I mean, you see it and- you thinks it's cool to the adults, BUT YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER DO IT, I MEAN IT'S JUST RUDE! VERY RUDE! I MEAN I'M JUST SICK OF IT! I mean... HNNNNGH.
And then there's that other thing... the uh... D-R-U-G-S. (mimes smoking) That just... that *puff puff* thing, that just clogs up my nose, *grunt*. And that other thing... (mimes drinking alcohol and passing out)... Anyway, just MAKES ME SICK to see people just waste their lives away on that. I mean it's DESPICABLE (hits table). DE-SPIC-A-BLE! Understand what I'm talking about? And of course I'm not afraid to speak about the hazardous flukes like the American Song how it goes... and of course that last line there... The song I sing you and all my... talk about my peer relationships as well... I talk about the peer relationships in my neighborhood. I mean, I do not have that many peers in the neighborhood. All I have in my neighborhood is Damien, and I don't usually see him a lot, and a twelve year old boy named Michael, and he's uh... just a little kid.
Anyway I'm just usually lonely at home, don't have a second player to play with. I don't even have a little brother and I'm s-still hoping for one. Anyway uh... I see by the clock that it's about time I sign off. But uh... before I go I have just one thing to say to uh... the teacher: AN F IN ENGLISH CLASS?! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I GOT AN F... I MEAN, WHO KNOWS, IT COULD'VE BEEN BACK IN OLD GREENE COUNTY, THAT STUPID PLACE... YEESH. That Greene County Primary... actually that was a nice school, but then th- came the Nathanael Greene Elementary, that's w-where I got the F. Anyway, then many years rolled by... THEN YOU CAME ALONG AND GAVE ME AN F. I MEAN I STARTED OFF WITH AN A AND YOU JUST LOWERED IT, LOWERED IT, LOWERED IT! I'M GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF THIS LOWERING THING. WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST AUT- AGAINST THE HANDICAPPED CHILDREN ANYWAY?! I MEAN, I KNOW MY HANDICAP IS AUTISM, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT IT! AND YOU MADE IT BURN (?), AND I THINK THAT F IS VERY DISRESPECTFUL! I MEAN, I AM VERY EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT.
(stress sigh)
Anyway, it's time I sign off. Well, this has been the Christian Chandler Show, and we hope you all enjoyed it. And as we say in the land of TV land... Goodnight folks!
(covers camera with hand and "sings" theme song)