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Well, it’s the end of another month, and I still don’t have a girlfriend. Maybe my latest idea, the Sonichu’s News Dash! newsletter, will make the ladies take notice of me.
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| Chris, believing your own newsletter will attract women, 31 January 2004
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In the finest tradition of fringe kooks, conspiracy theorists, survivalist tree-dwellers and religious oddballs the world over, Chris once decided that printing up a newsletter would be the best way to attract boyfriend-free girls. Sonichu's News Dash often contained poetry, dating advice (oh, the irony), and details on Chris's life and personal interests. It would always end with his description of his requirements for a sweetheart, similar to what was printed on his Attraction Sign. Chris distributed the News Dash during 2004 and 2005.
Chris was scolded by Mary Lee Walsh for passing out physical copies around the PVCC campus, which led him to bear a grudge against her for years afterward.
The News Dash Incident, in Chris's own words
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Mary Lee Walsh made it illegal to distribute the News Dash; I AM VERY ANGRY AT THAT XXXXX! In response, Iplan to incite the masses, and hope they DEMAND the return the News Dash so my chances on getting a girlfriend can be restored. I have also declared WAR on them as well!
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”
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| Chris, greatly overestimating his own power[1]
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Highlights from the newsletter
The News Dash is a lulzy source of information from the pre-ED days, back when Chris was still a creepy guy stalking women in public places. Here's some tidbits from the News Dash:
As the newsletter was primarily a platform to promote himself to women, every issue ended with this description of his ideal sweetheart:
Issue 1-2
| Christian W. Chandler is 21 (22 as of February 24, 2004) and single seeking a Single Female Companion of the following qualities:
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Issue 3-4
Christian W. Chandler is 22 and single seeking a Single Female Companion of the following qualities:
- 18-22 years of age. *Does not already have a boyfriend. *Single. *Blonde or Brunette *Average or Slender body type. *Does NOT smoke and/or drink alcohol. *5’ or taller. *Lives in Charlottesville or Ruckersville area. *White. *Average to High income. *Drives a vehicle. *Happy, Positive Personality. *A Caring girl.
- Christian is a very shy, and very thoughtful, person, and will only accept person-to-person encounters (No E-Mails or Phone Calls). So if you are interested, he can be found around Piedmont Virginia Community College, or Fashion Square Shopping Center. When getting his attention, approach and say hi to him. Do NOT flirt from a distance; he will not be able to notice. To find Christian, he’ll be wearing the Sonichu Medallion.
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Issue 5-10
Same as Issue 3 and 4, but with a link to his Match.com Profile.
On the hiatus of the News Dash
| We here at Sonichu’s News Dash apologize for not writing up issues during the summer months, but the head chief of staff, Christian Weston Chandler, was in a Very Lonesome slump. And he was recently Soul and Heart-Shattered by a bunch of Jerk Cops at the Fashion Square shopping center, and by the female dog, Mary Lee Walsh, at Piedmont Virginia Community College. These people did not agree with his sound methods of attracting an 18-(his current age) Boyfriend-Free woman. But after a stroll through the lovely and serene campus at the University of Virginia, he regained some peace within himself. And so, while he is still journeying through his Love Quest, the News Dash will run Bi-Monthly, but with more general articles of interest. Thank you for your patience.[2]
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A Very Special Holiday Chris-chan
| The Christmas season is upon us, and with that comes the rush for the C-Mas Turkey, Tree (real or artificial), and of course, the presents. So, Sonichu and the News Dash have some helpful tips to give a better feel of the season to all.
• If your children, or spouse, want some video games, but no toys, buy some toys anyway, they will be surprised. We recommend any of Lego sets, Transformers and Dolls.
• Wrap the presents anyway, because they always want to rip up the wrapping paper like a candy bar.
• Always remember that Christmas is the celebration of family, so never leave out any relatives from your festivities.
• If you do not have a family, then find a friend to share C-Mas with [3].
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| While all have families, so does he. While all men have Girlfriends, this man does not, and he is very depressed about it. “Since Agust, 2003,” Christian Weston Chandler said, “I’ve been trying to attract a Boyfriend-Free, 18-22-year old girl.” His methods were sound and well-thought; simple signs, looking cool, and “chilling” in the most social places. His one fault, that has restricted him from finding the Ms. Right, he had a major case of Noviophobia, where he is afraid to even approach most ladies, because he thought that they were all already paired up with “A Jerk.” His thoughts are sound as the Boyfriend Factor is so high, it leaves him with no pretty ladies to choose from. So, if there are any pretty ladies without a…Boyfriend, you can find this lonesome prince hanging at the Fashion Square mall Saturday afternoons, in front of Ambercrombie & Fitch. Don’t let his friendly smile fool you; he is hurting inside. Please help Chris have a Happy Holiday.[4]
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| Hslaw Eel Yram, who previously shattered hearts and souls, is handing out presents at Cwcville’s Christmas Tree lighting? Odd, but true, and when interviewed, she had this to say, “After three months in prison, I became rehabilitated and more happy to give joy to those I’ve hurt.” Then we asked her about her oldest victim, Christian Chandler, she said, “I plan to give him a surprise on Christmas Eve, a heart-felt apology.” Well, I guess we’ll see if she will be true to her word on the night before Christmas.[5]
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| Sonichu’s father, Christian Chandler, is working on a Sonichu comic book. It will be hand-drawn, as most comics are. And it will feature “Sonichu’s Origin,” the “Genesis of the Lovehogs,” and “Sonichu’s First Big Battle.” It will also include exclusive introductory content into Chris’s world, as well as Sonichu’s world. Chris said that his target date is before June, 2005, the month of the Anime Mid-Atlantic Convention in Richmond, VA; he plans to be there. So, if you’ve been a Sonichu fan up to then, come find him at the convention, and he will be happy to share the hand-drawn stories of Sonichu!
*Sonichu cover provided by Author, Christian Weston Chandler.[6]
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Chris's dating tips
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Most importantly, DO NOT RUSH Her. You do not want her to feel pressured into a relationship, because then she’ll dump you faster than Sonichu running a mile. Give her time; it’s not like you all are going to get married right away, it never is.
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| Chris, preaching what he never practices
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Take it from the lonesome man in Virginia who has been trying to find a Boyfriend-Free girl for over One year and Five months, with the Boyfriend Factor being infinitely high, all you lonesome saps have to summon up courage, or you won’t be able to get anywhere. So here are some tips from me, as well as noted givers of the 411:
- (CWC) When a girl does acknowledge your existence, rather by a simple wave, or as extreme as a hug, forget the Boyfriend-Factor, summon your courage and talk to her. And be sure to ask her if she does have a Boyfriend.
- (CWC) If she does have a Boyfriend, keep her name in mind, because she could help you hook up with a pretty Boyfriend-Free girl in the future.
- (John Tesh) If you want to give her a gift right off the bat, give, or send, her a bouquet of flowers, other than the clichéd Roses, and no more. You’ll have plenty of time in the future to give her more.
- (John Tesh) The right time to give her a gift, during your date, is during, of after, desert (especially if you made the desert for her yourself).
- (CWC) If you are meeting her for the first time, just keep a cool head, and be yourself. But if you want a quick list of what to do, here’s my list, courtesy of the Sprung game for the Nintendo DS:
- Introduce yourself: try to look serious on your face; do not smile big, and do not use a forceful voice tone.
- Compliment her: on her hair or eyes.
- Break the Ice with a joke: try not to use an offensive joke. Or, you can do what I do, if you can, just imitate good ol’ Donald Duck. Quack! Quack!
- (Depending on the situation), offer to buy her a drink, or comment on a topic of interest (such as the weather).
- Ask for her name: make it sound kind and fun. For example, you can say, “Do angels like you have names?” If she is offended by that, apologize and say that you thought it was a kind way of asking her name. [7] ?
- (I’d add this step) Ask her about herself: where her family came from, favorite movie or color, and other fun basic things like that. And try to make the conversation fun, because the more fun she has with you, the more likely you are to get her phone number.
- Ask for her phone number: if she does not give it to you now, just give her time, and just hang with her, and she’ll give it to you.
- Ask her for a date: make it immediate, like after work or school. An immediate date shows real interest, or desperation.
- (CWC) Most importantly, DO NOT RUSH Her. You do not want her to feel pressured into a relationship, because then she’ll dump you faster than Sonichu running a mile. Give her time; it’s not like you all are going to get married right away, it never is.
- (John Tesh) Your date is very important. If you take her to a party, then you probably feel like you need the support of your friends in front of your girlfriend. If you take her to a movie, you are likely to want her to yourself, and sneak a smooch in the dark. But if you take her to dinner, then you are showing real interest, because you are most able to converse over a good meal.
- (John Tesh) When you want to watch a movie with her, you should pick a romance flick. Since you and she are less likely to feel romantic during any other movie category, like action or horror. And hey, she will most appreciate the love you show by sharing the chick flick, because it shows that you care about her feelings[8].
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| After hanging at Fashion Square and PVCC, Sonichu, the Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon, decided to give the University of Virginia a try. He found the campus grounds serene and peaceful with its history, scenery and plenty of grass to rest on. He found himself educated within the libraries’ many books, and made like he was in Paris with the outdoor tables and chairs. And the “Corner” stores had an interesting selection of items from pencil sets to DVDs. He gave the UVA 5/5 Lightning Bolts of approval. Thank you UVA, for a very peaceful place to chill at in the city of Charlottesville[9].
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| Recently, a black Rosechu came down from outer space in a fashionable space ship. She came down onto our Earth wreaking havoc by abducting the Sonichu Heroes. But in conjunction with Chris-Chan Sonichu, the Rosechus of Earth rescued all of them. In an interview with Magi-Chan Sonichu, he said, “I’ve been communicating with her through telekinesis, and she sounded very lonesome. She said that she was a female Pikachu who was hit by a shining light from the Chaos Rainbow.” The Chaos Rainbow was the rainbow made when Super Sonic collided with the Pikachu, on that fateful day in Station Square years ago. And when interviewed, the black Rosechu, who named herself, Silvana, she stated, “I abducted the Sonichus, because it was very lonesome on the moon, there were NO aliens there at all. And when I communicated with Magi-Chan, I was inspired to build my spacecraft with the remains of the shuttle that put me there in the first place[10].”
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Chris's letter on Sprung
| I, Christian Weston Chandler, have sent an E-Mail to Nintendo Power’s “Players’ Pulse” section on January 9, 2005, in response to Nintendo DS’s Sprung game (scanned pages shown above). After receiving my copy of the April, 2005 issue, I was pleasantly surprised to find my E-Mail printed in the “Players’ Pulse” section, with the screen shot (shown to the bottom-right), which I find very appropriate to my current situation. The girl on top says, “YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE MY BOYFRIEND KICKS YOUR ***!” Although, there are a couple of fixes to mend in their print out: the fear I was referring to should be “NOVIOPHOBIA,” not “NOIOPHOBIA.” Also, since February 24, 2005, I am now 23-years old, and I am looking for an 18-23-year old, Boyfiend-Free, Datable Girl whom I can love and trust. Also, a little time after using the teachings of Sprung, my fear came back like a boomerang[11].
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Chris's 23rd Birthday
| Christian Chandler had originally planned to have his party on Thursday, February 24, but then it got snowed out, so it was changed to Saturday, February 26. His party was located at the Fashion Square Shopping Center in Charlottesville, Virginia, by the tree between Abercrombie & Fitch and Pacific Sunwear. A couple of his new-found gal-pals, who all already have Boyfriends, or are otherwise undatable, due to her religion, came by to his party and have partaken in the lovely cake and Mello Yello soda pop. They also gave him a very nice present too. His parents were also there, with a present as well, and they told a couple of interesting stories of Christian. Christian, his parents, and his friends, all had a good time, which makes up for Christian’s snowed out 23rd Birthday.[12]
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Completion of Sonichu 0
| Yes, Sonichu fans, the Premiere Hand-Drawn issue of the Sonichu Comic Book has been completed. The project was started with the Cover drawing (see issue #6 of the News Dash for the previous information) back on November 24, 2004, and since then, with random inspiration and too many breaks, the book was completed on March 15, 2005. The Comic includes the first 3 Episodes of our heroic Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon, Sonichu, classic strips drawn before the Comic project and two “Advertisements” for possible future games (at least in Christian W. Chandler’s dreams). CWC said, “Well, it took a long time, all things considered, but I feel that this Comic is my best work yet. I have also recently made a Sub-Episode that, one may say, started right after the Epilogue in Episode 3; it will be placed exclusively on the Sonichu Site for the fans to see. Also, I’m thinking about a Premiere Issue #1 featuring the story of how Black Sonichu was created, as well as how Sonichu and Sonic the Hedgehog “formally” met. 8) I’ll keep you up to date as I am inspired; until then, keep on “Zappin’ to the Extreme!” On the Sonichu Site, there will be two ways to access the Comic: through a link on the front page, or click on the Back Cover image (shown below) in this issue of the News Dash[13].
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Chris at some anime cons
Chris meeting Monica Rial
| On May 29, 2004, I, Christian Chandler, attended my first Anime Convention. I had a good time watching some Anime, sampling some Ramune (Japan Soda), and other things. My main highlight though was meeting the lovely and sweet-spoken voice actress, Monica Rial (pictured next to me to the left). Monica is well known for being the voice behind many Anime characters. Some of which include: Hyatt (Excel Saga), Saki (Steel Angel Kurumi), Mikako (Martian Sucessor Nadesico) and Shii (Puni Puni Poemy). She also sings opera very nicely, and she is a very nice, fun and sweet person to hang around with. She sure made my day a sweet one. ;8) [14]
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| (So to speak) Christian Chandler plans to attend the Anime Mid Atlantic Convention in Richmond, Virginia on all three days (June 17-19, 2005). Since he has put himself into Sonichu’s world, he will “Cosplay” as himself (talk about self-respect, huh?). Also, he will be watching some of the good anime, getting some souvenirs, participating in some of the events and just having a good time. Also, he will have some printed copies of the Sonichu Premiere Issue #0 on hand, but if you want a collectable copy, you will have to find him, and ask for one.
At the convention, as noted for now, there will be quite a selection of special guests attending, such as ADV voice actors, Greg Ayers and Doug Smith, and author Robert V. Aldrich. CWC hopes that Monica Rial will be there again this year (see News Dash issue #5 for his previous encounter with this lovely Voice Actress)! 8) Also up for fun are the Art Shows, contests, Guest Panels, Workshops, Video Game Room, Vendors to sell Cool Anime items (some imported from Japan), and much, much more. To learn more about the Anime Mid-Atlantic convention, regrestration, and where in Richmond, Virginia it is located, visit the website at http://www.animemidatlantic.com[15].
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Chris on PowerWeb ("Why PowerWeb STINKS on Ice")
| 1. It is FORCED as the ONLY way to enroll into PVCC.
2. There is no alternative to enrolling, because they
took away the original registration forms.
3. It’s NOT user-friendly.
4. It was not designed for the computer illiterate.
5. It’s very unethical.
6. There is no person-to-person contact.
7. High risk of lost connection while figuring it out.
8. Much LONGER waiting time.
9. It’s too much trouble to deal with.
10. It had too much advertising to give a darn.
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Sauces
External links
