Difference between revisions of "The Hook Cafe"

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[[Image:Personalprofile.jpg|thumb|Chris's profile image, which partially revives his old Ash Ketchum look.]]
{{Articleofthenow}}
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[[Image:Personalprofile.jpg|thumb|Chris's profile image, or, what [[Pokemon|Ash Ketchum]] would look like if he had grown up to be a [[obesity|fat]], [[Chris and health|acne-ridden]], and [[homos|deeply closeted]] [[Chris|manchild]].]]
 
'''''The Hook''''' '''Cafe''' was the online personal-ad unit of [[Charlottesville]]'s former local alternative weekly paper, ''[[Wikipedia:The Hook (newspaper)|The Hook]]''. Some time in early [[2010]], Chris posted a personal ad at the Cafe under the blunt nickname "direct2[[sex]]," declaring that he "Need Sexy Sweets from Woman." A 90-day pass to the site cost [[Chris and money|$40]], which meant that Chris had to use his [[monthly tugboat]] to put the ad up.
 
The ad was one of the most blatant confirmations that Chris was no longer interested merely in "true love," but was also pursuing the side quest of getting laid. This was not totally unexpected, as many of his followers had always believed that true honest love was merely a ruse to get some [[china]], and that if Chris could get to the [[hanky-panky]] without having to actually care about someone, he would do so in a heartbeat.
 
Of note are the differences between this and his previous [[dating profiles]]. By this time, Chris had apparently been making an attempt at being a grown-up, and as a result he neglected to mention ''[[Sonichu]]'', his [[autism]], or the fact he was a 28-year-old [[virgin with rage]]. He also has started to specify a desire for women at least 21 (as opposed to 18) years old (but not older than himself, despite his pretty obvious desire for a mother-like mate).
 
This was not the first time Chris has posted a personal ad on ''The Hook'' Café. An earlier attempt, in which Chris had promoted himself as a "Handsome Virgin searching for Woman," had fallen victim to hackers around early 2009. Unfortunately, most of its original contents weren't preserved. It's the hacked version that's referred to in Chris's [[IRC (20 January 2009)|20 January 2009 IRC chat]].
 
Chris was able to solicit the attentions of a young lady named [[Jackie]] on this site. Thus began an on-and-off-again relationship lasting until at least [[February 2012]].
 
On 9 [[April 2010]], the moderators on the site deleted Chris's profile, possibly due to a flood of fake profiles set up by [[trolls]]. Several troll profiles were also deleted. With the death of this profile, Chris apparently shifted his efforts back to [[OkCupid]] as his go-to for soliciting sex via the internet.
 
On 27 [[December 2011]], ''The Hook'' announced that it was shutting down Café for good at the end of the year. The magazine itself went under on 26 [[September 2013]] and was replaced with ''[[C-Ville]] Weekly''.
 
==Ad==
[[Image:direct2sex.jpg|thumb|A screenshot of the ad, as of 5 April 2010.]]
[[Image:direct2sex.jpg|thumb|A screenshot of the ad, as of 5 April 2010.]]
The local free weekly paper in [[Charlottesville]] is ''The Hook'', and its online personal ads are called '''The Hook Cafe'''. Some time in early 2010, Chris posted a personal ad at the Cafe under the nickname "direct2sex," declaring that he "Need Sexy Sweets from Woman."
The following consists of all the information included in the ad. All misspellings and unusual capitalizations are from the original page. The peculiar entry under "Religion" (which lists his affiliation as both "[[Chris and religion|Methodist]]" and "None") might be the result of an error Chris made when filling out the form that produced his profile.
 
===Introduction===
I am an [[honest content|honest]], [[Don't Mess With Me|compassionate]] [[Megan Saga|gentleman]], with a good sense of [[CWCFlyingElephants|humor]]. I am looking for good time(s) with a woman; I'm not getting any younger. I would like a 21-28 year old woman with a pretty face, a sexy slim to [[Obesity|average body]] and an honest and compassionate personality. Show me your honest and sweet interest and love, and I'll show you a good time. Hit me up with an e-mail with your photo and digits, and I will respond quickly in suit. Smokers, [[Obesity|overweights]], [[Niggos|blacks]] and [[List of Chris's lies|liars]] need not apply.
 
===Characteristics===
Gender: '''Man'''<BR>
Current Status: '''Single'''<BR>
Looking for: '''[[Fuck Quest|Friends with benefits]], [[Hanky-panky|Some Action]], Casual Dating'''<BR>
Body Type: '''[[Obesity|Average, Muscular, Height / Weight proportionate]]'''<BR>
Eyes: '''[[Heterochromia|L=Blue, R=Green]]'''<BR>
Height: '''5' 10"'''<BR>
Hair Type: '''[[Hair|Brown]]'''<BR>
Age: '''28'''<BR>
Seeks: [[china|'''Woman for Dating, Woman for Friendship''']]
 
===Profile===
Education: '''[[Piedmont Virginia Community College|College graduate]]'''<BR>
Ethnicity: '''Caucasian'''<BR>
Religion: '''[[Chris and religion|None, Christian / Methodist]]'''<BR>
Political Leanings: '''[[Obama|Moderate]]'''<BR>
City: '''[[Ruckersville]]'''<BR>
Occupation: '''[[Chris and art|Artist]]'''<BR>
Have Children: '''No'''<BR>
Want Children: '''[[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Yes]]'''
 
===Habits===
Smoking: '''[[Tobacky|Never]]'''<BR>
Drinking: '''[[Alcohol|Socially]]'''<BR>
Drugs: '''[[Yawning Squirtle|Not interested]]'''
 
===Personality===
I get around town via: '''[[Son-chu|Car]], [[Parkay|Walk]]'''<BR>
My dietary preferences are: '''[[Christopher Paul Whitney reveal|Conscious Omnivore]]'''<BR>
I spend my free time: '''[[R.L. Stine|Reading]], [[Sonichu|Creating]], [[Guitar Hero|Playing sports]], [[Chris's Big Night Out|Clubbing]], [[30 Push-Ups|Working out]], [[The Adventures of The American Rabbit|Watching movies]], [[Charlottesville Fashion Square|Shopping]], [[McDonald's|Dining out]], Biking'''<BR>
Funniest Thing: '''A man chasing a dog. [[Sex Joke|And the dog has a ham in its mouth]]'''
 
===Deeper===
The best thing about Charlottesville is: '''The vast history behind it.'''
 
My radio dial is usually tuned to? '''[[Chris and music|Z-95.1]]'''
 
Quote a line from your favorite movie. '''[[Mary Poppins|Supercalifragilisticespialadocious]]'''
 
[[A Hike|Thomas Jefferson]] makes me: '''feel inspired and better enjoy Charlottesville, VA.'''
 
The first thing I read in the Hook is? '''[[Chris and art|The Arts]].'''
 
Name three things [[Semen|you shouldn't have eaten]]. '''Beets, [[Pickles]], Relish.'''
 
===Fill It===
I'm an open-minded person, but '''[[Tobacky|smokers]]''' [[Chris and English|is]] a deal-breaker.
 
Design your ideal mate: [[Chris and reality|the brain of a '''college graduate''' and the body of a '''Playboy Womam]]'''


As far as anyone can tell, no sexy sweets have been forthcoming.
[[Mom|People]] say '''[[Chris and his Ego|my face is my best feature]]'''.


==The introduction==
The first section I turn to in the Hook is '''[[Chris and art|The Arts]]'''
The basic summary at the top of the ad is as follows:


{{quotebox|I am an honest, compassionate gentleman, with a good sense of humor. I am looking for good time(s) with a woman; I'm not getting any younger. I would like a 21-28 year old woman with a pretty face, a sexy slim to average body and an honest and compassionate personality. Show me your honest and sweet interest and love, and I'll show you a good time. Hit me up with an e-mail with your photo and digits, and I will respond quickly in suit. Smokers, overweights, blacks and liars need not apply.}}
The quickest way to my heart is '''sweet compassion''' The quickest way to my bed is '''honest lovin'''' And in the morning, I like my [[Christian's sex joke|eggs]] cooked '''fried and well-done'''


What Chris is looking for in a woman doesn't seem to have changed much since the old days of the [[Attraction Sign]]. He doesn't mention that he wants a woman who can financially support him, but he still makes a point of ruling out black women, smokers, and his fellow fatsos.
My favorite cartoon as a kid was '''[[Sonic the Hedgehog]]'''


==Chris describes Chris==
'''[[Golden Corral]]''' is my favorite restaurant.
Chris bills himself as a single man, seeking a woman for "Friends with benefits, Some Action, Casual Dating." Under "Body Type," he describes himself as "Average, Muscular, Height / Weight proportionate," which most observers would consider [[Obesity|optimistic]] at the very least. He also makes a point of describing his [[Heterochromia|heterochromatic eyes]].


==The details==
===In and Out===
In a section made up of snappy responses to vapid questions, Chris offers a few more revealing remarks.
'''[[Best Buy]]''' or Sidetracks


*Asked to "design his ideal mate," Chris says she would have "the brain of a '''college graduate''' and the body of a '''Playboy Womam'''."
'''Summer''' or Winter
*Says Chris: "The quickest way to my heart is '''sweet compassion''' The quickest way to my bed is '''honest lovin'''' And in the morning, I like my eggs cooked '''fried and well-done'''"
 
*His favorite restaurant is still [[Golden Corral]], and he makes a point of announcing his love for [[Sonic the Hedgehog]].
'''[[Computers|PC]]''' or Mac
*Chris fills his spare time, so he says, with "Reading, Creating, Playing sports, Clubbing, Working out, Watching movies, Shopping, Dining out, Biking."
 
*Chris's "funniest thing" is "A man chasing a dog. And the dog has a ham in its mouth."
'''Cavaliers''' or [[War Paint Video|Redskins]]
*Asked to quote a line from his [[Mary Poppins|favorite movie]], he chose "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious," but didn't quite manage to spell it right.
 
'''[[Chris and death|Casket]]''' or Cremation
 
Fax or '''Email'''
 
[[Hair|Dyed or '''Natural''']]
 
SUV or '''[[Son-Chu|Sedan]]'''
 
==See also==
* [[Dating profiles]]
* [[Match.com]]


==External links==
==External links==
*[http://charlottesville.selectalternatives.com/gyrobase/Personals/Profile?person=oid%3A250471 Chris's Hook Cafe profile]
*[http://www.readthehook.com/102541/hook-caf-personals-place-closing-1231 Article regarding the Café's shutdown]
 
{{DEFAULTSORT:Hook Cafe}}


[[Category:Love Quest]]
[[Category:Websites]]
[[Category:Websites]]
[[Category:Jackie Saga]]

Latest revision as of 17:43, 19 July 2018

Tugboat.jpg YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK!
The contents of this page have been bought with taxpayer money! 		Social Security Administration seal.png


Chris's profile image, or, what Ash Ketchum would look like if he had grown up to be a fat, acne-ridden, and deeply closeted manchild.

The Hook Cafe was the online personal-ad unit of Charlottesville's former local alternative weekly paper, The Hook. Some time in early 2010, Chris posted a personal ad at the Cafe under the blunt nickname "direct2sex," declaring that he "Need Sexy Sweets from Woman." A 90-day pass to the site cost $40, which meant that Chris had to use his monthly tugboat to put the ad up.

The ad was one of the most blatant confirmations that Chris was no longer interested merely in "true love," but was also pursuing the side quest of getting laid. This was not totally unexpected, as many of his followers had always believed that true honest love was merely a ruse to get some china, and that if Chris could get to the hanky-panky without having to actually care about someone, he would do so in a heartbeat.

Of note are the differences between this and his previous dating profiles. By this time, Chris had apparently been making an attempt at being a grown-up, and as a result he neglected to mention Sonichu, his autism, or the fact he was a 28-year-old virgin with rage. He also has started to specify a desire for women at least 21 (as opposed to 18) years old (but not older than himself, despite his pretty obvious desire for a mother-like mate).

This was not the first time Chris has posted a personal ad on The Hook Café. An earlier attempt, in which Chris had promoted himself as a "Handsome Virgin searching for Woman," had fallen victim to hackers around early 2009. Unfortunately, most of its original contents weren't preserved. It's the hacked version that's referred to in Chris's 20 January 2009 IRC chat.

Chris was able to solicit the attentions of a young lady named Jackie on this site. Thus began an on-and-off-again relationship lasting until at least February 2012.

On 9 April 2010, the moderators on the site deleted Chris's profile, possibly due to a flood of fake profiles set up by trolls. Several troll profiles were also deleted. With the death of this profile, Chris apparently shifted his efforts back to OkCupid as his go-to for soliciting sex via the internet.

On 27 December 2011, The Hook announced that it was shutting down Café for good at the end of the year. The magazine itself went under on 26 September 2013 and was replaced with C-Ville Weekly.

A screenshot of the ad, as of 5 April 2010.

The following consists of all the information included in the ad. All misspellings and unusual capitalizations are from the original page. The peculiar entry under "Religion" (which lists his affiliation as both "Methodist" and "None") might be the result of an error Chris made when filling out the form that produced his profile.

Introduction

I am an honest, compassionate gentleman, with a good sense of humor. I am looking for good time(s) with a woman; I'm not getting any younger. I would like a 21-28 year old woman with a pretty face, a sexy slim to average body and an honest and compassionate personality. Show me your honest and sweet interest and love, and I'll show you a good time. Hit me up with an e-mail with your photo and digits, and I will respond quickly in suit. Smokers, overweights, blacks and liars need not apply.

Characteristics

Gender: Man
Current Status: Single
Looking for: Friends with benefits, Some Action, Casual Dating
Body Type: Average, Muscular, Height / Weight proportionate
Eyes: L=Blue, R=Green
Height: 5' 10"
Hair Type: Brown
Age: 28
Seeks: Woman for Dating, Woman for Friendship

Profile

Education: College graduate
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Religion: None, Christian / Methodist
Political Leanings: Moderate
City: Ruckersville
Occupation: Artist
Have Children: No
Want Children: Yes

Habits

Smoking: Never
Drinking: Socially
Drugs: Not interested

Personality

I get around town via: Car, Walk
My dietary preferences are: Conscious Omnivore
I spend my free time: Reading, Creating, Playing sports, Clubbing, Working out, Watching movies, Shopping, Dining out, Biking
Funniest Thing: A man chasing a dog. And the dog has a ham in its mouth

Deeper

The best thing about Charlottesville is: The vast history behind it.

My radio dial is usually tuned to? Z-95.1

Quote a line from your favorite movie. Supercalifragilisticespialadocious

Thomas Jefferson makes me: feel inspired and better enjoy Charlottesville, VA.

The first thing I read in the Hook is? The Arts.

Name three things you shouldn't have eaten. Beets, Pickles, Relish.

Fill It

I'm an open-minded person, but smokers is a deal-breaker.

Design your ideal mate: the brain of a college graduate and the body of a Playboy Womam

People say my face is my best feature.

The first section I turn to in the Hook is The Arts

The quickest way to my heart is sweet compassion The quickest way to my bed is honest lovin' And in the morning, I like my eggs cooked fried and well-done

My favorite cartoon as a kid was Sonic the Hedgehog

Golden Corral is my favorite restaurant.

In and Out

Best Buy or Sidetracks

Summer or Winter

PC or Mac

Cavaliers or Redskins

Casket or Cremation

Fax or Email

Dyed or Natural

SUV or Sedan

See also

External links

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