Difference between revisions of "The Hook Cafe"
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[[Image:Personalprofile.jpg|thumb|Chris's profile image, or what Ash Ketchum would look like if he had grown up to be a fat | {{Articleofthenow}} | ||
[[ | {{taxpayermoney}} | ||
[[Image:Personalprofile.jpg|thumb|Chris's profile image, or, what [[Pokemon|Ash Ketchum]] would look like if he had grown up to be a [[obesity|fat]], [[Chris and health|acne-ridden]], and [[homos|deeply closeted]] [[Chris|manchild]].]] | |||
'''''The Hook''''' '''Cafe''' was the online personal-ad unit of [[Charlottesville]]'s former local alternative weekly paper, ''[[Wikipedia:The Hook (newspaper)|The Hook]]''. Some time in early [[2010]], Chris posted a personal ad at the Cafe under the blunt nickname "direct2[[sex]]," declaring that he "Need Sexy Sweets from Woman." A 90-day pass to the site cost [[Chris and money|$40]], which meant that Chris had to use his [[monthly tugboat]] to put the ad up. | |||
The ad was one of the most blatant confirmations that Chris was no longer interested merely in "true love," but was also pursuing the side quest of getting laid. This was not totally unexpected, as many of his followers had always believed that true honest love was merely a ruse to get some [[china]], and that if Chris could get to the [[hanky-panky]] without having to actually care about someone, he would do so in a heartbeat. | |||
Of note are the differences between this and his previous [[dating profiles]]. By this time, Chris had apparently been making an attempt at being a grown-up, and as a result he neglected to mention ''[[Sonichu]]'', his [[autism]], or the fact he was a 28-year-old [[virgin with rage]]. He also has started to specify a desire for women at least 21 (as opposed to 18) years old (but not older than himself, despite his pretty obvious desire for a mother-like mate). | |||
This was not the first time Chris has posted a personal ad on ''The Hook'' Café. An earlier attempt, in which Chris had promoted himself as a "Handsome Virgin searching for Woman," had fallen victim to hackers around early 2009. Unfortunately, most of its original contents weren't preserved. It's the hacked version that's referred to in Chris's [[IRC (20 January 2009)|20 January 2009 IRC chat]]. | |||
Chris was able to solicit the attentions of a young lady named [[Jackie]] on this site. Thus began an on-and-off-again relationship lasting until at least [[February 2012]]. | |||
On 9 [[April 2010]], the moderators on the site deleted Chris's profile, possibly due to a flood of fake profiles set up by [[trolls]]. Several troll profiles were also deleted. With the death of this profile, Chris apparently shifted his efforts back to [[OkCupid]] as his go-to for soliciting sex via the internet. | |||
On 27 [[December 2011]], ''The Hook'' announced that it was shutting down Café for good at the end of the year. The magazine itself went under on 26 [[September 2013]] and was replaced with ''[[C-Ville]] Weekly''. | |||
==Ad== | ==Ad== | ||
The following | [[Image:direct2sex.jpg|thumb|A screenshot of the ad, as of 5 April 2010.]] | ||
The following consists of all the information included in the ad. All misspellings and unusual capitalizations are from the original page. The peculiar entry under "Religion" (which lists his affiliation as both "[[Chris and religion|Methodist]]" and "None") might be the result of an error Chris made when filling out the form that produced his profile. | |||
===Introduction=== | ===Introduction=== | ||
I am an [[honest content|honest]], [[Don't Mess With Me|compassionate]] [[Megan Saga|gentleman]], with a good sense of [[CWCFlyingElephants|humor]]. I am looking for good time(s) with a woman; I'm not getting any younger. I would like a 21-28 year old woman with a pretty face, a sexy slim to [[Obesity|average body]] and an honest and compassionate personality. Show me your honest and sweet interest and love, and I'll show you a good time. Hit me up with an e-mail with your photo and digits, and I will respond quickly in suit. Smokers, [[Obesity|overweights]], [[Niggos|blacks]] and [[List of Chris's lies|liars]] need not apply. | |||
I am an [[honest content|honest]], [[ | |||
===Characteristics=== | ===Characteristics=== | ||
Gender: '''Man'''<BR> | Gender: '''Man'''<BR> | ||
Current Status: '''Single'''<BR> | Current Status: '''Single'''<BR> | ||
Looking for: '''[[Fuck Quest|Friends with benefits]], Some Action, Casual Dating'''<BR> | Looking for: '''[[Fuck Quest|Friends with benefits]], [[Hanky-panky|Some Action]], Casual Dating'''<BR> | ||
Body Type: '''[[Obesity|Average, Muscular, Height / Weight proportionate]]'''<BR> | Body Type: '''[[Obesity|Average, Muscular, Height / Weight proportionate]]'''<BR> | ||
Eyes: '''[[Heterochromia|L=Blue, R=Green]]'''<BR> | Eyes: '''[[Heterochromia|L=Blue, R=Green]]'''<BR> | ||
Height: '''5' 10"'''<BR> | Height: '''5' 10"'''<BR> | ||
Hair Type: '''Brown'''<BR> | Hair Type: '''[[Hair|Brown]]'''<BR> | ||
Age: '''28'''<BR> | Age: '''28'''<BR> | ||
Seeks: [[china|'''Woman for Dating, Woman for Friendship''']] | Seeks: [[china|'''Woman for Dating, Woman for Friendship''']] | ||
| Line 32: | Line 40: | ||
Ethnicity: '''Caucasian'''<BR> | Ethnicity: '''Caucasian'''<BR> | ||
Religion: '''[[Chris and religion|None, Christian / Methodist]]'''<BR> | Religion: '''[[Chris and religion|None, Christian / Methodist]]'''<BR> | ||
Political Leanings: '''Moderate'''<BR> | Political Leanings: '''[[Obama|Moderate]]'''<BR> | ||
City: '''Ruckersville'''<BR> | City: '''[[Ruckersville]]'''<BR> | ||
Occupation: '''[[Chris and art|Artist]]'''<BR> | Occupation: '''[[Chris and art|Artist]]'''<BR> | ||
Have Children: '''No'''<BR> | Have Children: '''No'''<BR> | ||
| Line 41: | Line 49: | ||
Smoking: '''[[Tobacky|Never]]'''<BR> | Smoking: '''[[Tobacky|Never]]'''<BR> | ||
Drinking: '''[[Alcohol|Socially]]'''<BR> | Drinking: '''[[Alcohol|Socially]]'''<BR> | ||
Drugs: '''Not interested''' | Drugs: '''[[Yawning Squirtle|Not interested]]''' | ||
===Personality=== | ===Personality=== | ||
I get around town via: '''[[Son-chu|Car]], [[ | I get around town via: '''[[Son-chu|Car]], [[Parkay|Walk]]'''<BR> | ||
My dietary preferences are: '''[[ | My dietary preferences are: '''[[Christopher Paul Whitney reveal|Conscious Omnivore]]'''<BR> | ||
I spend my free time: '''[[R.L. Stine|Reading]], [[Sonichu|Creating]], [[Guitar Hero|Playing sports]], [[Chris's Big Night Out|Clubbing]], [[ | I spend my free time: '''[[R.L. Stine|Reading]], [[Sonichu|Creating]], [[Guitar Hero|Playing sports]], [[Chris's Big Night Out|Clubbing]], [[30 Push-Ups|Working out]], [[The Adventures of The American Rabbit|Watching movies]], [[Charlottesville Fashion Square|Shopping]], [[McDonald's|Dining out]], Biking'''<BR> | ||
Funniest Thing: '''A man chasing a dog. [[ | Funniest Thing: '''A man chasing a dog. [[Sex Joke|And the dog has a ham in its mouth]]''' | ||
===Deeper=== | ===Deeper=== | ||
The best thing about Charlottesville is: '''The vast history behind it.''' | The best thing about Charlottesville is: '''The vast history behind it.''' | ||
My radio dial is usually tuned to? '''Z-95.1''' | My radio dial is usually tuned to? '''[[Chris and music|Z-95.1]]''' | ||
Quote a line from your favorite movie. '''[[Mary Poppins|Supercalifragilisticespialadocious]]''' | Quote a line from your favorite movie. '''[[Mary Poppins|Supercalifragilisticespialadocious]]''' | ||
Thomas Jefferson makes me: '''feel inspired and better enjoy Charlottesville, VA.''' | [[A Hike|Thomas Jefferson]] makes me: '''feel inspired and better enjoy Charlottesville, VA.''' | ||
The first thing I read in the Hook is? '''The Arts.''' | The first thing I read in the Hook is? '''[[Chris and art|The Arts]].''' | ||
Name three things [[Semen|you shouldn't have eaten]]. '''Beets, [[Pickles]], Relish.''' | Name three things [[Semen|you shouldn't have eaten]]. '''Beets, [[Pickles]], Relish.''' | ||
===Fill It=== | ===Fill It=== | ||
I'm an open-minded person, but '''smokers''' is a deal-breaker. | I'm an open-minded person, but '''[[Tobacky|smokers]]''' [[Chris and English|is]] a deal-breaker. | ||
Design your ideal mate: [[Chris and reality|the brain of a '''college graduate''' | Design your ideal mate: [[Chris and reality|the brain of a '''college graduate''' and the body of a '''Playboy Womam]]''' | ||
[[Mom|People]] say '''[[Chris and his Ego|my face is my best feature]]'''. | [[Mom|People]] say '''[[Chris and his Ego|my face is my best feature]]'''. | ||
The first section I turn to in the Hook is ''' | The first section I turn to in the Hook is '''[[Chris and art|The Arts]]''' | ||
The quickest way to my heart is '''sweet compassion''' The quickest way to my bed is '''honest lovin'''' And in the morning, I like my [[Christian's sex joke|eggs]] cooked '''fried and well-done''' | The quickest way to my heart is '''sweet compassion''' The quickest way to my bed is '''honest lovin'''' And in the morning, I like my [[Christian's sex joke|eggs]] cooked '''fried and well-done''' | ||
| Line 78: | Line 86: | ||
===In and Out=== | ===In and Out=== | ||
'''Best Buy''' or Sidetracks | '''[[Best Buy]]''' or Sidetracks | ||
'''Summer''' or Winter | '''Summer''' or Winter | ||
'''[[ | '''[[Computers|PC]]''' or Mac | ||
'''Cavaliers''' or Redskins | '''Cavaliers''' or [[War Paint Video|Redskins]] | ||
'''[[Chris and death|Casket]]''' or Cremation | '''[[Chris and death|Casket]]''' or Cremation | ||
| Line 90: | Line 98: | ||
Fax or '''Email''' | Fax or '''Email''' | ||
Dyed or '''Natural''' | [[Hair|Dyed or '''Natural''']] | ||
SUV or '''[[Son-Chu|Sedan]]''' | |||
==See also== | |||
* [[Dating profiles]] | |||
* [[Match.com]] | |||
==External links== | ==External links== | ||
*[http:// | *[http://www.readthehook.com/102541/hook-caf-personals-place-closing-1231 Article regarding the Café's shutdown] | ||
{{DEFAULTSORT:Hook Cafe}} | |||
[[Category:Love Quest]] | |||
[[Category:Websites]] | [[Category:Websites]] | ||
[[Category:Jackie Saga]] | |||
Latest revision as of 17:43, 19 July 2018
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YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK! The contents of this page have been bought with taxpayer money! |
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The Hook Cafe was the online personal-ad unit of Charlottesville's former local alternative weekly paper, The Hook. Some time in early 2010, Chris posted a personal ad at the Cafe under the blunt nickname "direct2sex," declaring that he "Need Sexy Sweets from Woman." A 90-day pass to the site cost $40, which meant that Chris had to use his monthly tugboat to put the ad up.
The ad was one of the most blatant confirmations that Chris was no longer interested merely in "true love," but was also pursuing the side quest of getting laid. This was not totally unexpected, as many of his followers had always believed that true honest love was merely a ruse to get some china, and that if Chris could get to the hanky-panky without having to actually care about someone, he would do so in a heartbeat.
Of note are the differences between this and his previous dating profiles. By this time, Chris had apparently been making an attempt at being a grown-up, and as a result he neglected to mention Sonichu, his autism, or the fact he was a 28-year-old virgin with rage. He also has started to specify a desire for women at least 21 (as opposed to 18) years old (but not older than himself, despite his pretty obvious desire for a mother-like mate).
This was not the first time Chris has posted a personal ad on The Hook Café. An earlier attempt, in which Chris had promoted himself as a "Handsome Virgin searching for Woman," had fallen victim to hackers around early 2009. Unfortunately, most of its original contents weren't preserved. It's the hacked version that's referred to in Chris's 20 January 2009 IRC chat.
Chris was able to solicit the attentions of a young lady named Jackie on this site. Thus began an on-and-off-again relationship lasting until at least February 2012.
On 9 April 2010, the moderators on the site deleted Chris's profile, possibly due to a flood of fake profiles set up by trolls. Several troll profiles were also deleted. With the death of this profile, Chris apparently shifted his efforts back to OkCupid as his go-to for soliciting sex via the internet.
On 27 December 2011, The Hook announced that it was shutting down Café for good at the end of the year. The magazine itself went under on 26 September 2013 and was replaced with C-Ville Weekly.
Ad
The following consists of all the information included in the ad. All misspellings and unusual capitalizations are from the original page. The peculiar entry under "Religion" (which lists his affiliation as both "Methodist" and "None") might be the result of an error Chris made when filling out the form that produced his profile.
Introduction
I am an honest, compassionate gentleman, with a good sense of humor. I am looking for good time(s) with a woman; I'm not getting any younger. I would like a 21-28 year old woman with a pretty face, a sexy slim to average body and an honest and compassionate personality. Show me your honest and sweet interest and love, and I'll show you a good time. Hit me up with an e-mail with your photo and digits, and I will respond quickly in suit. Smokers, overweights, blacks and liars need not apply.
Characteristics
Gender: Man
Current Status: Single
Looking for: Friends with benefits, Some Action, Casual Dating
Body Type: Average, Muscular, Height / Weight proportionate
Eyes: L=Blue, R=Green
Height: 5' 10"
Hair Type: Brown
Age: 28
Seeks: Woman for Dating, Woman for Friendship
Profile
Education: College graduate
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Religion: None, Christian / Methodist
Political Leanings: Moderate
City: Ruckersville
Occupation: Artist
Have Children: No
Want Children: Yes
Habits
Smoking: Never
Drinking: Socially
Drugs: Not interested
Personality
I get around town via: Car, Walk
My dietary preferences are: Conscious Omnivore
I spend my free time: Reading, Creating, Playing sports, Clubbing, Working out, Watching movies, Shopping, Dining out, Biking
Funniest Thing: A man chasing a dog. And the dog has a ham in its mouth
Deeper
The best thing about Charlottesville is: The vast history behind it.
My radio dial is usually tuned to? Z-95.1
Quote a line from your favorite movie. Supercalifragilisticespialadocious
Thomas Jefferson makes me: feel inspired and better enjoy Charlottesville, VA.
The first thing I read in the Hook is? The Arts.
Name three things you shouldn't have eaten. Beets, Pickles, Relish.
Fill It
I'm an open-minded person, but smokers is a deal-breaker.
Design your ideal mate: the brain of a college graduate and the body of a Playboy Womam
People say my face is my best feature.
The first section I turn to in the Hook is The Arts
The quickest way to my heart is sweet compassion The quickest way to my bed is honest lovin' And in the morning, I like my eggs cooked fried and well-done
My favorite cartoon as a kid was Sonic the Hedgehog
Golden Corral is my favorite restaurant.
In and Out
Best Buy or Sidetracks
Summer or Winter
PC or Mac
Cavaliers or Redskins
Casket or Cremation
Fax or Email
SUV or Sedan