Weening

“	I wanna see you get burned, you fucking dick. I want to see you see you get burned! I wanna see you get a fuckin' third-degree burn, I WANNA SEE YOU LOSE A FUCKING FINGER!!! Oh, and after--after you, uh--after you, uh, burn it? Shove it up your ass. [pause] How does that sound, Chris? Sound like your idea of a good time? [...] Ah, interrogating autistics, it's so easy. It's so easy, especially with you, Chris. You. Dumb. Fuck. You make it all too easy.	”
BlueSpike, torturing Chris and giving a clear-cut perfect example of weening.

Rounding out the unholy trinity of white knights and A-Logs, weens are several times as annoying as the previous two combined. Both a corruption of the phrase "epic win" and a reference to the experimental rock band, weens are wannabe trolls who attempt to recreate the success of prominent trolls, but generally just embarrass themselves due to their lack of originality and wit. In other words, they're the hyperactive preteen cargo-cultists who annoy the shit out of non-weens with their complete lack of talent and insular sense of humor.

Think we're exaggerating? Maybe a video or two will help get the point across.

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What Weening consists of

THIS IS WHAT WEENS ACTUALLY BELIEVE.

Typical ween art.

• Elaborate trolling plans.
• Prank calls to Chris's house and/or cellphone. Double dumbass points if it's just to yell "JULAAAY, JULAAAAAAY!" into the phone.
• A-Logging. While not all weens are A-Logs and vice versa, the vast majority of these dumbasses are both. A-Log himself was as much of a ween as your average A-Log, what with his unfunny "commentaries" that made people who make similar (and much better) videos do a collective facepalm, not to mention his excruciating attempt at stand-up comedy...based entirely on Chris...in a place where most of the attendants didn't even know about Chris.
• Facebook stalking.
• Spamming Chris's Facebook pages with random pictures of Sonic's blarms.
• Scathing e-mails or letters.
• Attempting to contact people who once interacted with Chris but have since cut off all ties with him, like Megan, Cole and the Wallflower, and drag them back into the spotlight.
• Terrible fanfiction that "wittily" deconstructs Sonichu as a saccharine dystopia. Sorry, folks, but Asperchu already did it; it's time to move on.
• Terrible fanfiction and fanart that focuses solely on murdering Sonichu characters, as seen in the picture below-right. Double dumbass points if focusing predominantly on the slaughter of Sonees and Roseys.
• Terrible fanart of Sonichu that attempts to be wittily macabre by making it even more grotesque, gory, or perverse than it already was.
• Spouting tired old Chris memes in places where Christorians lurk, or even in places where most of the members don't even know about Chris. Either way, it's annoying.
• Making frivolous or exaggerated claims of Chris's misconduct in feedback on sites like eBay or YouTube.
• Spoiling Chris's legitimate attempts at participating in contests or e-commerce.
• Making terrible rap songs about Chris that would make Vanilla Ice or Soulja Boy shake their heads, and making excuses to keep it up like saying it's a demo and/or claiming you had a sore throat that day.
  • Attacking people in the comments section of your cruddy rap song who dare give out rightful negative opinions of it.
• Any kind of trolling plan, really. But especially...
• ...breaking the law in pursuit of lulz, like vandalizing Chris's property, illegally recording telephone conversations, stalking him or his mother, or threatening him with violence or death. We shouldn't have to say it, but for fuck's sake, DON'T DO THIS.

Why you should avoid weening

The Miscreants, grateful to get away from all of the weens leeching off their hard work.

Yeah, yeah, we know what you're thinking. You're not one of those try-hard 13-year old boys who think that screaming "JULAAAAAY!!!" at Chris is the height of wit. You've come up with a great plan to really get under Chris's skin, bring back the good old days and all that shit. While you may in fact be that guy, 99.9% of the time, you should just shitcan your trolling plans and move on with your life.

Why, you ask?

There are much better targets than Chris

If you're willing to put that much effort into trolling Chris, why not use that effort to choose a better victim? As much as the CWCki examines and discusses his numerous odd behaviors and personality flaws, Chris isn't even close to the bottom of the barrel of internet scumbags. Neo-Nazis, abusive lovers and parents, scam artists, hate groups, social justice warriors, pedophiles, corrupt politicians and corporations, religious zealots, zoophiles, malware writers, and other assorted shitbirds are much more deserving of concentrated trolling than Chris will ever be.

Even if you don't give a shit about who the trollbait is as long as you get major laughs, the Chris of today just isn't as amenable to trolling as he used to be (discussed in further detail below). The amount of effort you would need to put into piercing his layers of white knights and paranoia would be staggering to say the least. And even if you do manage to bypass these obstacles, what is there left to do to him? Anything amusing about him has already been extracted from years of trolling and information gathering, except perhaps the odd CWC-ism he occasionally makes up, and other shit he does on his own initiative (also discussed further below). All that is left of him at this point is a withered husk of a lolcow; as much as you may try to milk it, all that'll come out will be cobwebs and dust. With that in mind, you may as well just spend your time on another lolcow who hasn't been inured to years of deceit yet.

For most aspiring trolls, the only reason to pick Chris over any other Internet jackass is because he's relatively well-known even today, and you have a ready-made audience available to appreciate your efforts. But that's just you being lazy, not some trolling mastermind.

The best trolls are chosen by fate

With a couple of exceptions, the greatest trolls didn't even mean to get into professional trolling. BlueSpike never intended to create the Julie character; he just rolled with it when Chris assumed he was a girl because of his voice. Clyde Cash was an emergent meme and later a collective identity that spread from Chris jerking around his fanbase. Liquid Chris started out as a YouTube nobody who discovered he was surprisingly good at Chris impressions, and was eventually noticed by Chris himself out of the blue. Jason Kendrick Howell thought that he was making a page on a run-of-the-mill lolcow and had no idea of the clusterfuck he was about to create. Ivy only asked him for a shout-out; she had no idea that Chris was going to latch onto her so hard.

Ask any of the seasoned Chris trolls and they'll tell you meticulous trolling plans really don't work with Chris, because it's not always so easy to predict how he'll react to anything. For example; on the one hand, he completely shrugged off the theft and destruction of the original medallions, yet on the other hand he has completely overreacted to what could be considered quite minor triggers in comparison. At most, people who troll Chris successfully just go in with a rough outline and let Chris fill in the details as they go. So quit with the elaborate planning, because it doesn't work and only makes you look obsessed; coincidentally, this is exactly what turned the trolls' attention to A-Log.

2024's Chris is not (quite) as gullible as he used to be

Granted, almost no one on Earth is as naïve as Chris was in 2007. However, Chris has gradually learned that when he's contacted by people claiming to be Shigeru Miyamoto, Batman, Vanessa Hudgens, someone from his past, or even his own relatives, chances are he's just being trolled. In fact, the naivety of the younger Chris has been swapped for an extreme paranoia and distrust of anyone who tries to contact him, to the extent where he's even turned down legitimate attempts to get in touch by people he actually knew at high school or college. This hasn't been helped by weens--according to senior trolls, Chris was once contacted by 10 people claiming to be Megan at the same time.

Needless to say, he no longer responds to any random dork who contacts him, meaning that most trolling plans nowadays will simply fail to even get off the ground.

Your idea is probably not original

Whatever it is, it's probably been done before, and most likely better. It's pretty much impossible to top getting Chris to believe that the President of Nintendo was interested in his work, that Vanessa Hudgens wanted to date him, or that there was a DANG, DIRTY IMPOSTER whom everyone else truly thought was the real Chris and stealing his richly deserved fame. By and large, most modern trolling plans tend to be some minor variation on something that's already been done, like "what if we got his high school ring?" or "what if we got him to see another parody of his comic?" Thus, if you attempt to rehash older trolling events, it's highly likely Chris will simply ignore it--in the words of the Barenaked Ladies, it's all been done before.

Weenery discourages Chris from producing content

Most of Chris's content came from a time when he believed he had lots of fans and everyone, barring a few trolls here and there, loved him. The constant stream of weenery over the years has made him think of himself as a victim who won't be able to do anything without being harassed. As a result, he's wised up and become far more private, meaning barely any content for us.

It is also worth mentioning that Chris produces better content of his own accord, without any input from trolls or weens. Since his semi-retreat from the public eye after his father's death, Chris has been prosecuted twice, concocted outlandish conspiracy theories centered on someone he hasn't spoken to for years, accidentally set fire to his house, and swapped his already unappealing wardrobe for an even worse one; all of this without any impetus from the trolls. Don't try and rush the master of America's favorite game.

If you fail hard enough, you will become a target for trolls yourself

Anthony LoGatto, or "A-Log", is the touchstone for trolling backfiring on the troll, and it's important to remember that he would never have attracted the attention of the internet if he had simply toned down the vitriol, or at the very least reined himself in enough to make it less obvious that he was absolutely obsessed with Chris. It was thereafter a fairly obvious leap in intuition to assume that someone with that level of hysteria and monomania over someone they had never even met in real life would have had some skeletons in their own closet--and as it turns out, A-Log had more than a few. These included some terrible stand-up comedy bits he did, and a cache of disturbing cartoon pornography and self-written yiff fanfiction, featuring a fox OC with an exceptionally-large penis.

By the same token, obsessive, excessive weenery is very likely to get you noticed by other trolls, who will in turn start trolling you because of that and anything else they notice about you, hoisting you on your own petard. In other words, it's akin to plugging in a big neon sign pointing the trolls straight to your collection of Goku x Anne Frank slash fiction and old Tiger Beat magazines with boy bands mugging at the camera.

Even if you do succeed, you may regret it later

Sometimes, trolls that somehow manage to succeed in extracting lulz from Chris end up getting more than they bargained for. Liquid Chris is probably going to have to fend off accusations from people outside of the Chris-Chan bubble of tormenting what they would assume to be an emotionally-vulnerable autistic man for his own amusement for the rest of his life. BlueSpike will turn 30 someday, and even then will still be thought of as the crazed, sadistic pervert who willingly listened to a slow-in-the-mind mass debate for hours on end at age 13 and forced him to cram a broken clay medallion up his ass.

To add to the irony, people who didn't intentionally upset Chris are still getting unwanted attention from weens. Do you think Adam Stackhouse enjoys being inundated by various unwanted "you prevented Chris from raping Megan, congrats!" messages in his inbox? Or that Mary Lee Walsh enjoys seeing herself as a nubile anime blonde who exists solely to torment a virgin with rage every time she or her students uses Google? Or that Michael Snyder would like being constantly reminded by various weens of almost becoming the victim of vehicular homicide in misguided attempts to congratulate him? In all these cases, the answer is a big, fat NO.

Chris is still the undisputed trolling champion

Lest we think that the current drought in content is because of a shortage of trolling triggers, consider that we would be having a windfall in content of unprecedented magnitude right now, had Chris not given up on making frequent videos. A lot has happened over the last year or so, although you wouldn't know it from the intermittent updates; Chris had another girlfriend whom he eventually discovered was fake, been led to believe his gal-pals never liked him, threw away all of his eBay and commission money on Lego bricks, accidentally set his house on fire, began what will probably be a long crusade against blue arms, and got himself arrested again as a result of it. If Chris still had his old enthusiasm for 24/7 content creation, we'd be utterly spoiled.

In fact, even in the "golden age" of trolling, many Christorians' most fondly-remembered incidents had little or no active involvement from the trolls. Chris spilled the beans about his DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS during an IRC chat about a mostly unrelated subject. THAT IS MY HOUSE came out of the seemingly innocuous act of him videotaping the inside of his house and putting it up on YouTube. The events of 28 October 2011 would likely have taken much longer to come to light if not for Chris himself posting pictures of Michael Snyder and various other details to this very wiki within hours of him getting home from jail, and the same is true of the events of 26 December 2014. Chris's macing of a GameStop employee was provoked by a minor change to a cartoon hedgehog's design that was done by professional video game designers unaware of or otherwise unfettered by the vitriol they'd receive from Chris in return. And one can only imagine what on Earth possessed him to not only draw ShecameforCWC.JPG, but to post it online and proudly proclaim that it depicted Megan, one of the few real friends he's ever had.

An old saying among Christorians applies here: "Nobody trolls Chris better than Chris." In other words, even without the involvement of active trolling, Chris is so good at turning his own life into a rolling disaster that not even the triumphant return of Clyde Cash could top how he's trolling himself. So just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.

See also

• Trolls - Examples of doing it right.
• A-Logging - Examples of doing it wrong.
• Michael Snyder / Adam Stackhouse / Mary Lee Walsh - Examples of doing it by complete accident.