Chris and death

Rest in peace?

Death stalks Chris at every turn, and as a result he is really poor when it comes to understanding and/or coping with death, be it the death of a human or an animal.

His poor reactions to death most likely come from Chris's lack of empathy, and his incredibly underdeveloped mind. Kids often don't understand death until they're quite old, around 10-12 years; before that, they just think it's "like sleeping forever" or "just leaving." Chris, being a 7-year-old kid 2-year-old toddler inside, can only resort to these clumsy analogies to sort of understand death; he even has a habit of appealing to dead people to "come back."

It could be that the only shows that Chris watched that dealt with death in any way had plot devices to facilitate the return of the departed. Chris, who is unable to connect cause with effect and considers behaviors from fiction to be interchangeable with reality, may simply assume that the dead can come back whenever they want.

Here are the departed souls, in order from earliest to latest:

Deaths

Every single fucking victim of the World Trade Center attacks (-2001)

In the Twin Falling Towers video of the first of November 2009, Chris makes fun of Clyde and says that he is as weak as the Twin Towers. He then shows the mouse cursor crashing into the buildings, complete with sound effects. This has shocked many, including somebody who lost a loved one in the attacks and this could possibly the lowest that Chris has ever gone.

Patti Chandler (1988-2006)

Patti was Chris's dog, and she died in June 2006. Chris apparently drew a picture of a crying Sonichu face on the signature confirming the euthanasia process. As seen in the image used in this article, Patti also appeared in the comic, immortalized as an anthro. This is particularly disturbing in that Chris has apparently decided to deny his dog the afterlife that he presumably believes in, in favor of locking her in his own personal hell, in which she will only exist when he can be bothered to draw her. Effectively, he's stolen and erased her soul.

To Chris, her death is the greatest tragedy of his life, which he often compares to the deaths of other peoples' family members and loved ones. Not surprisingly, every single person he has said this to has become horribly offended, yet he continues to use this example.

Oddly enough, Patti may have been the only being Chris ever cared about. Supporting this is a report that Chris periodically broke down in tears for as many as six months after her death. By comparison, the "death" of any Sweetheart will result in a day of mourning if they are lucky.

RocketFox's Dad (1966-2008)

RocketFox's Dad used to be an alcoholic, but recovered and stayed sober for ten years. However, his liver failed and he passed away in mid-October 2008. When RocketFox asked Chris for advice on how to cope, Chris considered it an "accident" and went on a spiel about how bad alcohol was. This is actually the first death during the trolling, and it was mentioned to Chris to see how he would react to such news, and as mentioned, Chris did so poorly. Ryan's death and Chris's reaction cemented this. About eight months later, Chris became a huge hypocrite...

Sarah Jackson (1981-2008)

A former heartsweet of Chris (and Decepticon) who was killed in a car crash carefully executed plan by Optimus Prime. SPOILERS: A troll. Sarah Jackson, like Patti, was used in his comic for a while as "Ms. Jackaras" in Sonichu 9. Unlike Patti, Ms. Jackaras gets the same fate as her non-comic counterpart, and is replaced by her sister, who continues the lesson anyway. None of the Sonichu characters mourn the loss of their professor. Sound like someone?

Ryan Cash (1996-2008)

Ryan was Clyde's brother who was a huge fan of Sonichu. After the comics were delayed over and over, Ryan fell into a depression and committed suicide. Chris, of course, reacted to this in an inconsiderate manner, telling Clyde and his family to "just move on."

PandaHalo

Despite her being thouands of kilometers away from the brushfires, Chris assumed PandaHalo was dead. She is actually alive and kicking but Chris still doesn't know this. Two days after her "death," he went to find another sweetheart to mass debate to. This flagrant disrespect baffles trolls to this day, as the death of a partner can take years of recovery, and a long time before one would even consider dating again shouldn't surprise anyone because Chris is a self-centered asshole. This saga further proved that Chris has no sense of empathy or respect for the dead.

Nine months later, Sonichu 9 featured a special "memorial" to PandaHalo and a sequence in which she dies (off-screen) in a building fire after saving her "Pokemon", Chloe Rosechu and BlazeBob Sonichu, so they wouldn't "burn with" her. Apparently, Chris didn't feel like he needed to honor the life of his beloved sweetheart and instead depicted her horrible, fiery death. He also has to mention that she "burned," which shows how he doesn't realize how painful and awful it would be to die in a fire. It's also not a term that anyone would use to describe the death of a loved one, provide more evidence of how little he actually cared about her. Because it took nine months to "honor" her death, he most likely decided he needed more god-awful characters for his shitty comic, was too lazy to create a new recolor and chose to use Chloe and BlazeBob, thus reminding him of PandaHalo, who he had likely forgotten, and made him decide to feature a memorial to her.

Sarah May

After being called "Julie" multiple times, Sarah May attempted suicide over Mumble. Immediately after she went offline, rather than express any concern or try to find a way to stop her, Chris told Julie (who was also in the chat), "I still have you," with a completely emotionless "oh well" attitude. Chris then made an immature shout-out to her on a YouTube video, with tears faker than all his sweethearts combined. His reason for her to hold on? Because he'd be so sad without her. While mentioning the feelings of friends and families despair is typical in suicide prevention, Chris did it in such a selfish way, only thinking of how he'd feel, not how her family and friends would feel, that it was just full of fail and narcissism.

Aunt Corrina (1936-2009)

Chris's aunt Corrina had her funeral on Chris's birthday, which was also Shrove Tuesday, a Christian holiday that involves eating pancakes^{[citation needed]}. Needless to say, Chris cared more about the pancakes than the funeral of his own aunt. Patti was also obtained from her (see the e-mail link above).

When the "I know how to be sad because my dog died" excuse fails, Chris usually follows up with an offhand mention of his Aunt Corrina. If that fails the deaths of his many sweethearts tends to follow, although any normal human would bring those up first and the dog would be lucky to get a mention at all.

Clyde Cash (1976-2009)

In early 2009, Christian once seemed to be aware that Clyde Cash was supposedly dead, but casted a slight bit of doubt over the idea. Regardless, he cursed Clyde in Captain's Log, Stardate August 18th, 2009, just in case. He's back.

BILLY MAYS (1958-2009)

In the video Captain's Log, Stardate July 1st, 2009, Chris only seems to be upset over people blaming him for Mays' death, and loudly denies that he was ever the mayor of Cwcville. He doesn't even offer his condolences to Mays' family. Down the line, Chris selfishly adopts the idea that Mays was in fact his bodyguard and he died protecting Chris. He goes even further by stating that he was also his identical body double and "without the beard we'd look the same". At least he's admitting that he's overweight.

Ivy (1992-2009)

Former sweetheart Ivy committed suicide after not being allowed to see Chris. Chris uploaded the CWC "Boyfriend" video as a memorial. Yes, a poorly sung remake of Avril Lavigne's happy, bouncy pop/punk song, with lyrics changed to be about how much Chris would like women to date him. Unless the original was somehow Ivy's favorite song, this is just short of "Another One Bites the Dust" as one of the worst possible songs one can dedicate to a recently deceased loved one.

Furthermore, as is unquestionably appropriate, Ivy's tragic demise was incorporated into Issue 9 of the comic. Rather than admit to having a hand in her suicide, Chris conjures up a magnificently gruesome accidental death, which involved having gotten her neck broken with elevator wires after falling through the elevator floor. Although this is a particularly troubling manipulation of what really happened, Chris more than makes up for it with gravitas; he gracefully, albeit belatedly, offers a tiny orange box in memory to Ivy 'O'Niel', taking pride of place underneath a backshot of Slaweel and some weird faux-Tranformers actions. All of the above shows the leaps and bounds Chris has made in his appropriate handling of tragic deaths.

Bob Chandler

Coming soon...

See also

• Autism
• Lack of empathy