Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown

Original promo info about the contest.

In June 2007, Sony Computer Entertainment America (SCEA) announced the Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown contest to promote the video game PaRappa the Rapper. Contestants were to film themselves performing either Chop Chop Master Onion's rap, Instructor Mooselini's rap or Cheap Cheap the Cooking Chicken's rap a capella. The grand prize winner of the contest would receive two PSPs and an all-expenses-paid trip to Seattle for the 2007 Penny Arcade Expo.

The contest was of monumental importance, as it would achieve goals for Christian Weston Chandler on multiple fronts. Beyond his innate desire to win contests by making an ass of himself on film, Chris hoped to bestow one of the PSPs to his beloved Megan Schroeder and invite her to accompany him on the trip, thereby creating an opportunity for her to give in to her obvious passion for him. The potential benefits could not be understated. Failure to win the contest was not an option. To ensure nothing less than total victory, Chris elected to perform the Chop Chop Master Onion Rap. Despite claiming this was the only song he knew from the game, Chris clearly didn't know it all that well, considering that he reads its lyrics while "performing," not bothering to rehearse/learn the lines. But then again, have any of his videos looked even remotely prepared?

Campaign

Chris's video made it into the top 10, probably because a little more than 10 people entered. The winner was to be selected from a vote by PlayStation Underground members in July 2007.

At The GAMe PLACe, Chris handed out fliers telling people to vote for him. To ensure success, he read everything off the flier to each person before giving the flier to them. Of course, no one voted for Chris. He took matters into his own hands by stuffing the ballot with an endless stream of votes on different fake accounts.

Chris also badgered his half-brother Cole Smithey to vote for him. In return for his vote, Cole asked Chris to find out from their mother about the real identity of Cole's biological father. Chris wasn't interested in Cole's plight, and in return Cole never voted for him.

On the day before voting ended, Chris posted his own reviews of the top 10 videos in his PSN blog.

“	Such honesty of his situation and devotion for his lucky girlfriend adds great emotions to his performance. The visually appealing effects added the best humor and biggest laugh I had among the bunch. I enjoyed the fun background of his assumed-to-be bedroom. And his informative feedback on playing Guitar Hero on Playstation 3 was truly a wise and great addition. Also, he has nailed the lyrics A-Capella. :) As this brave AUTISTIC warrior so creatively put it at the end, "Rap, Rap, Rap, That's a Wrap!" Truly the cherry on the top of the sundae. A perfect score of 5/5 Stars for his marvelous effort, and smiling at knowing he looked a bit stupid. :)	”
Chris, describing his video in third person

Master Onion A-La Mode

Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown
Click to load content
Stardate	June, 2007
Subject Matter	MusicMusic; Video gamesVideo games
Performance Style	ComedyComedy
Saga	StackhouseStackhouse Saga
Shirt	OrangeOrange
OFFICIAL and HONEST CWC Videos
previous SOUL CALIBUR: Chris-chan vs. Mary Lee Walsh	next CWC is Angry

“

This previously submitted PaRapper the Rapper "Master Onion A-La Mode" Video is among the TOP TEN to win the GRAND PRIZE. And I would TRULY APPRECIATE your generous Vote, so please click the highlighted link to the Playstation Website's Voting page. **I am Video NUMBER 7 (scroll down; the one with the Blue Guitar)** You have the power to make my AUTISTIC life SO MUCH BETTER. Thank You. :) (more)

”

What Chris considers 5 out of 5 level material.

Transcript

Hey, P-Station, my name is Christian Chandler
I live in Ruckersville, Virginia!
I have a PSP, I like to rap,
I play PaRappa, and go with him now.
The only song I know is "Master Onion"
Which I got from a demo I borrowed from my friend Megan!

I have a PSP and she don't,
So give me the PSP; unwrap the wrapper,
So I can give one to her, and then we can play together!

So here we go, we're gonna sing it now.
Master Onion, A-La Mode!

Kick! Punch! It's all in the m-mind.
If you wanna test me, I'm sure you will find
That you all things, I'll teach ya sure to beat ya,
Nevertheless, you'll get a lesson from teacher now

Kick (Kick)
Punch (Punch)
Chop (Chop)
Block (Block)

Once more now. Kick (Kick)
Punch (Punch)
Chop (Chop)
And Block (Block)

Don't get cocky, it's doesn't get rocky,
We gonna move down to the next ya jockey now

Duck (Duck)
Jump (Jump)
Turn (Turn)
And Pose (Pose)

Listen carefully. Jump (Jump)
Pose (Pose)
Duck (Duck)
and Turn (Turn)

Hmm, yeah, I see you're getting better,
Kick to the limit in order to get her now

Kick Punch (Kick Punch)
Chop Block (Chop Block)
Chop Kick (Chop Kick)
Punch Block (Punch Block)

It's gonna get harder now Duck & Jump (Duck & Jump)
Turn & Pose (Turn & Pose)
Duck & Turn (Duck & Turn)
Jump & Pose (Jump Pose)

Come on now, why don't you follow my words,
Because we're almost done, I'll make things worse.
I wanna see if you wanna see what it means
To be the man with the master plan. Are you the man now?

Here we go now. Kick Punch Block (Kick Punch Block)
Chop Kick Block (Chop Kick Block)
Block Turn & Kick it (Block Turn & Kick it)
Block Duck Punch (Block Duck Punch)
Duck Duck Turn (Duck Duck Turn)
Jump Kick Chop (Jump Kick Chop)
and Punch Punch Punch (Punch Punch Punch)

That's it for today.
Good job, PaRappa!
You can go to the next stage now.
Yahoo! Alright!

PaRappa, I'm so proud of you!
Congratulations!
Alright. Thank ya, teacha!
Again: what?

Man, you’re so good!
I got a tit-loose memory, money
With students like you…
Wanna try a super-beginner’s course?

You’re pick—you’re pickin’ on me too fast!
I'm outta here!

Guitar Hero on PlayStation 3
Don't press the PS button after select hang, see?
Make sure you hook up with the converter controller
Dude, rock on, yo! Nananananaaaa!

Rap, rap, rap! That's a wrap!

Results

Chris thought that he could easily win the contest and the heart of his Sweetest Megan. Chris was, not surprisingly, wrong.

“	Changing the lyrics will result in disqualification.	”
Official contest rules

The competition was won by Adam Stackhouse, whom Chris bears a grudge against as he felt Adam broke "da rules" by having music and multiple people in his entry. Chris loathed the 2nd and 3rd place winners for having music as well. In actuality, the beatboxing in Adam's video counts as a cappella. Furthermore, another top 10 finalist claimed that he had removed his own music to avoid breaking the rules, but Sony said it was fine.

The irony is Chris actually violated da rules by making up bits and pieces of his own lyrics, as seen above. Just about the only logical reason Chris got as far as he did is that the judges had never quite seen anything like this before.

Relentless vote stuffing did earn Chris a reward, however. The rules state would "...get their Submissions published on PlayStation.com, and will receive a copy of the game PaRappa the Rapper for the PSP® (PlayStation®Portable) system and some PaRappa branded premium items such as a PSP skin, PSP charm, and a PaRappa signature beanie (ARV $60)." Or, as Chris explains in PS3 History level, "copy of the PSP version of the PSOne classic, a charm, HIS hat, and 5 PSP-1000 Skins." (No, we have no idea why "HIS" is all capitalized. PaRappa is neither divine in nature, nor exactly a paragon of masculinity.)

Aftermath

Because Chris was infuriated that he did not win the trip to Seattle, he sent an e-mail to the company that ran the contest to cry foul in an e-mail from 03 August 2007:

I REALLY WANTED THAT TRIP SO I COULD HAVE A CHANCE TO IMPRESS MY SWEETEST MEGAN AND POSSIBLY FULFILL MY DREAM OF GETTING MARRIED AND SOON HAVE A DAUGHTER NAMED CRYSTAL. YET NOW I, A FRUSTRATED HIGH-FUNCTIONALLY AUTISTIC 25-YEAR OLD VIRGIN, HAVE BEEN BALLZ-BROKEN LIKE I HAVE THROUGH A BIG CHUNK OF MY LIFE IN AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME, "KICK THE AUTISTIC!" *sigh* I had my fantasies of having fun with Megan, taking her to a really extravagent [sic] destination (I am not rich), taking a long-wanted tour of the Nintendo of America company tour, with her, playing Guitar Hero against the guy in the PaRappa costume, jamming with Megan in the hotel room and possibly our first time in the bed... *sigh* Life can be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo unfair and f***ing corrupt. But I digress; TAKE THE A-CAPELLA RULE TO THE MAX on those THREE out of ten videos. Take care; Christian Weston Chandler. (:_(

Yes, Chris really did tell a complete stranger he should have won that contest because he wanted to fuck his best friend.

On 4 August, Chris raged multiple times on his PSN blog against Adam Stackhouse and the other winners, using his favorite "Kick the Autistic" clutch. When people advised him to relax, he told them to shut up. As a result, he was put on a time out by an admin.

On 6 August, Chris continued his rampage against Adam Stackhouse, during which he created a fake webpage designed to show himself as the true winner of the contest. He went around various PSN News posts and left comments with the following:

I wanted to mention a small concern… there is a link to the True Real Winner of the Chop Chop Master Onion Contest at http://groups.myspace.com/CWCandFriendsCustoms. Yet, when I click the link on us.playstation.com, I get a different “Winner”. I Do Not Know Who To Believe! Do I believe the Official-Rule-Violating adamstackhouse, or do I believe the Honest, Autistic CWCSonichu?

During Christian's struggle to be recognized as the rightful winner of the contest, Megan informed him that she was glad he lost and that she would never have gone with him on the trip if he had won. Also, Chris claims to have contracted a "gut virus" due to the strain on his body making this video.

There are actually two versions of the video. The one that Chris uploaded later to his YouTube channel has an additional photograph of Megan between the first and second verses. Either this version is the original version before Megan broke up with Chris, and Chris had to remove her picture to make amends, or the video with the picture was made much later, due to Chris's pangs of agony over long-lost love.

Regarding Adam, Chris made a video where, in silence, he repeatedly shot with a toy gun at a photo of Adam.

On 31 October, Chris made a fake Parappa profile on MySpace to comfort himself on losing the contest. Parappatherapingdog. Good job.

Sauces

See also

• Adam Stackhouse
• GameStop Be A Star Sweepstakes
• CWC is Angry
• PaRappa the Rapper
• Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes

Download

• Original file

⇐ Chris-chan vs. Mary Lee Walsh

Chris's videos

CWC is Angry ⇒