Monthly tugboat
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YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK! The contents of this page have been bought with taxpayer money! |
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| “ | Yet AGAIN I am waiting for my next tugboat from my Social before I can even pay a Website to Host me and grant me a better .com domain name than sonichu.com | ” |
| Chris to Miyamoto, complaining about how long his free money is taking | ||
The monthly tugboat is Chris's euphemism for his Social Security Disability Insurance check. Essentially, the United States government has a taxpayer-funded program to financially support disabled individuals whose injuries or ailments leave them unable to work.
Chris receives roughly $800 each month, with $450 going to his parents for room and board. The rest of it generally goes towards video games or straight up his ass. However, $350 per month is nowhere near enough to satisfy Chris's need for games, porn, PlayStation Network downloads and a constant supply of Chicken McNuggets. As of July 2009, he owed at least $2000 in credit-card debt, some on cards of his own and some on cards he stole from his parents.
Challenged by a correspondent in the Mailbag, Chris claimed that he is not wasting his taxpayer-funded tugboat, because he is putting that money back into the economy and indirectly paying the tugboats of others. According to Chris's logic, by purchasing his useless commercial goods, he is paying sales tax which the government puts directly back into the hands of the needy. This is a tremendous leap of faulty rationalization, even for Chris, and he fails to elaborate on his shaky economic theories in any detail. If you thought he didn't understand money before, you ain't seen nothing yet.
On the advice of his father, Chris doesn't get a job because the tugboat gives him more money overall. However, Bob is wrong. Chris could work up to 20 hours a week, keep his full tugboat and make even more money on the side. Naturally, Chris chooses the laziest route- staying at home and doing nothing. Your tax dollars at work.
In the father call, Chris claims that his disability check is "a stepping-stone in the right direction of [him] moving out". Clearly, Chris doesn't believe wasting his disability check on video games and porn will somehow aid in his moving out. He is well aware that he will inherit his family's home and that he will never need to work, and he plans to do both. In other words, Chris plans to keep getting his tugboat for the rest of his life.
Rough calculations and estimations say that if Chris lives into his 80s, given reasonable "cost of living" increases to his tugboat annually, he will receive roughly $900,000 to $1,000,000 over his lifetime. This, however, assumes that Chris will fill out the correct paperwork necessary to get these gradual upgrades (unlikely), or that someone will enter his life who cares enough about him to make sure he gets these upgrades (also unlikely). Plus, it's extremely unlikely that his fat ass will live anywhere near that long.