Homemade Nintendo Power magazine

The cover. It looks like Chris urinated on the paper before drawing the illustrations.

Chris had the great idea to make his own Nintendo Power magazine when he was sixteen years old. The result was something that would only be moderately impressive if done by an elementary school child in art class. The magazine is showcased by Chris on his DVD. The issue doesn't contain much other than (you guessed it) shitty drawings of his shitty ideas for video games. This relic is first shown to the world in the Song of Christian. He also includes his craptastic creation, Bionic in this issue of failure. The piece of work reflects on Chris's distorted view of how video game companies would be willing to make video games on obsolete gaming systems and giving up their intellectual property over to another company just to make a fucktard happy. Even though this example of Chris' fail was created over a decade ago, he still flaunts it about as one of his greatest artistic achievements. Sadly, this probably WAS one of his greatest artistic achievements.

Chris-chan's creative sterility is on full display here. He slavishly imitates a commercial product using the limited tools available to him: he creates fake letters, copied game sales charts (that he obviously sped through, but knew he had to create), previews for pretend games, imitation strategy guides, and recycled cheat codes. He even mocks up godawful Sonichu ads.

Even the horrible video game ideas are shamelessly recycled--Sonic 64 is exactly like Super Mario 64, the Sonic SNES collection is just like Super Mario All-Stars. In the Song of Christian video, Chris reveals that the Megaman X game he describes is, in fact, a proposed sequel that recycles enemies from previous Megaman and Megaman X games, which is an outstanding satire of Capcom's... fffhahaha just kidding, Chris is even less creative than we thought. Chris claims the Transformers: Beast Wars game in the magazine is his own idea, but this was an actual video game made for the N64 and Playstation.

TL;DR: Even when given literally unlimited creative control over his little fake Nintendo Power, Chris can only repeat what he's seen, only mixed up very slightly.

While Sonic "dumping" Sega to be on a Nintendo console seems eerily prescient, rest assured it's just a huge coincidence nobody back in 1998 would've seen coming true. Still, imagine how CWC must've sperged over Sega shitting itself and dying, consigned to releasing terrible, terrible 3D Sonic games on, among other things, Nintendo consoles. Like the cargo cults of the South Pacific, Chris's homemade Nintendo Power prediction coming kinda-sorta true likely spurned on his quest to see Sonichu somehow made into a video game and place extra credence in his dreams associated with his love quest. Of course, the reason Chris predicted this is because of his massive understanding about how the videogame business actually works, not because of any oracular prowess.

Transcript

Presented here are the contents of the magazine in text format for your enjoyment. Spelling errors and miscellaneous stupidity herein belong to Chris.

Cover

Sonic dumps Sega and joins Nintendo!

Sonic the Hedgehog

Comes to Game Boy, Super Nintendo, and Nintendo 64. Sonic Tails, his friends and enemies, all dump Sega and join the Nintendo family. So, get your Game Boy, SNES, and N64, and join the way past cool fun.

Contents

Volume ____

Strategy

• Sonic64
• Sonic & Knuckles
• Super Sonic
• Beast Wars
• Mega Man X 64

Special Features

• Sonic's History

Every Issue

• Player's Pulse
• Power Charts
• Classified Info.
• Counselor's Corner
• Player's Poll Con.
• Arena
• Now Playing
• Gamelist
• Next Issue

Player's Pulse

Sonic is welcomed into Nintendo family in this month's issue, and if the readers say we are joking, well guess what, we aren't. This Month, gamers just want to tell their Nintendo stories. So, it might get a little silly.

(Caption:) Christian Chandler, Richmond, Virgina

Sonic Start
How we got started with the Sonic business, you may ask. Well, you'll have to give most of the credit to Christian Chandler of Richmond, VA. In the beginning, he sent us a letter saying that he had a dream about Sonic on Game Boy, it was a Game Boy version of Sonic and Knuckles. At first we said that he had, "Rocks in his head," but we were completely wrong. Recently, he sent us a copy of a Nintendo Power magazine he made himself. As we looked through it, we thought, " This boy is very creative," and, "he is also determined to make his dream come true." So, we decided to shake hands with Sega, and make this boy's dreams come true. We started off by actually making Sonic 64 for N64, Sonic & Knuckles 2 for Game boy, and Super Sonic for SNES. Then, we sent him a letter letting him know that his dream will come true, and he may come down to Nintendo of America, here in Redwood, WA, to watch the development of his dream coming true. And that he will get a free copy of each Sonic title for each system. Then, We made this magizine, using his home made cover, under his permission. And that's how we got started with the Sonic business.

(Caption:) Christian Chandler, Richmond, Virgina

Cruis'n no more
I just got Cruis'n USA for N64. And I got all of my cars, including the Police car, School Bus, and Jeep, up graded. I tried to upgrade my Italia some more, but it didn't get a higher speed. What I'd like to know is, why?

John Taylor Via the internet

John, the reason you can't get a higher speed on your Italia is, because that's the only top maximum speed.

(Caption:) Ted Qujmby, Angel Grove, California

Power Charts

(Chris obviously did this section quickly and only wrote squiggles for the company names.)

Game	Company
1. Yoshi's Story	~ ~ ~ ~
2. Mario Kart 64	~ ~ ~ ~
3. Star Fox 64	~ ~ ~ ~
4. Super Mario 64	~ ~ ~ ~
5. Goldeneye 007	~ ~ ~ ~
6. Diddy Kong Racing	~ ~ ~ ~
7. Diddy Kong Racing	~ ~ ~ ~
8. Mischief Makers	~ ~ ~ ~
9. Cruis'n USA	~ ~ ~ ~
10. WCW vs. NWO	~ ~ ~ ~
1. Legend of Zelda	~ ~ ~ ~
2. Tetris	~ ~ ~ ~
3. Game & Watch Gallary [sic]	~ ~ ~ ~
4. Wave Race	~ ~ ~ ~
5. Donkey Kong Land 3	~ ~ ~ ~

Most Wanted
1. Zelda 64
2. N64 D.D.
3. Goldeneye 007
4. Yoshi's Story
5. Super Mario 64 2 (?)
6. Mission Impossible
7. Super Mario RPG 2
8. WCW vs. NWO: World Tour
9. Earthbound 64
10. Cruis'n World

Letters, continued...

Banjo Kazooie fans
I have been waiting a long time for Banjo Kazooie for N64. I have played as him on Diddy Kong Racing, and He's my favorite character. Now that he's finally going to get his own game, I can't wait. Zach de Brown, Columbia, OH I have Diddy Kong Racing for N64, and my favorite character is Banjo. You may think that he is one of the slowest drivers in DKR, but I was able to make the fastest times in all tracks playing as that cool bear. Besides, my name rhymes with his name, and I think that is cool. Manjo Maurice Newport News, VA

Sonic the Hedgehog Trio

After 100 issues, Sonic and his friends and enemies, comes to the N64, SNES, and Game Boy. We'll tell you about the 3 games, and then we'll take a trip through time and look through Sonic's history. For now, here's...

Sonic the Hedgehog 64

Robotnik is at it again; this time, he kidnapped Princess Sally and stole the power of the Chaos Emeralds from her castle, and roboticised the life in the castle. Sonic warps to the castle through a warp ring, so he can save the princess. What follows is tough; with 15 worlds and many secret special stages. He must collect the emeralds of the castle and destroy Dr. Robotnik. He will also have to destroy robots, big and small, fly with Tails, climb with Knuckles, and slam it with his big brother, Bionic.

Spin Dash. Dash through enemies by holding down and pressing the A button to slice an enemy in half for a ring.

Pound that Bot. You can use this technique to smash bots and computers. While in the air, press the Z button to pound the ground.

Swim. Stroke and kick in the water instead of walking in it, but make sure you come to the surface or get an air bubble, for air before the power meter runs out.

Punch. To punch a bot, press the B button, and he'll jump back, crash and release a ring for you.

(... Of course, being the amazing designer that he is, Chris forgot one important detail... a fucking jump button.)

Sonic's... friends that help. Sonic has friends that help him on his quest to save the Princess.

Tails: He'll fly you anywhere you want. Press and hold B to grab and hold his hand, so he can fly you to great heights.

Knuckles: Knuckles the Echidna can help Sonic up walls and through walls. Grab the empty end of his Ring Cord, and he'll help you up a wall. Punch the spot you want him to punch, and he'll punch it open like an egg.

Bionic: Bionic is Sonic's big brother. He is the greatest Basketball player, and he is a great mechanic. If Sonic needs to pull a high switch, Bionic can slam it down. Jump at it to show where it is, and he'll get it. He'll also shut down big machines for Sonic.

How Sonic's friends can help.

Knuckles climbs walls and mountains.

Tails flies you anywhere.

Bionic shuts down big machines and slams a big switch.

Sonic & Knuckles 2

Robotnik again?!!! Well, he'll have to get through Sonic and Knuckles to the famous, original Gensis game.

Like the original game, you can play as Sonic or Knuckles, but you still got to destroy Robotnik.

Thank to the battery-save option, your game can be saved in a file, or you can delete a file and do it all over again. Or, you can play a no-save game for more fun.

Underwater zones are tough, but luckily there are many air bubbles to use.

When you play as Knuckles the Echidna, you can climb walls, glide, and punch bots out.

You can obtain a chaos emeraldby turning all blank balls into wavy-lined balls. But, if you get a wavy-lined ball, the special stage will end early. You can access the special stages by finding the hidden giant rings and entering them.

Super Sonic

Now, here's the final Sonic game for this section. It's the SNES game, Super Sonic. In this game, we took a few of the original genesis games, Sonic 1, 2, 3 and Sonic and Knuckles, and programmed them in one SNES game cartridge.

Like the classic SNES game, Super Mario All Stars, you can pick a game, any game, and play that game.

To get you started off right, all you have to do is press start when the "Super Sonic" title comes up. Then, you pick the game you want to play, press start, and you're off on a cool adventure.

Tip: in the Marble Zone, in Sonic 1, watch for the fire, it'll really burn you up.

In the beginning of Sonic 3, the story sequence will show that Sonic just finished Sonic 2, and collected all the Chaos Emeralds. But, trouble comes along when Knuckles steals all the chaos emeralds from Sonic, and has hidden them in the special stages.

Sonic the Hedgehog

In Sonic the Hedgehog 1, you would get the fun of the original Genesis game. Except, the game is more colorful and savable. The special stages are now way past cooler.

Sonic the Hedgehog 2

In Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Miles/Tails joins the Super Sonic fun. This game has more loop-de-loops, power sneakers, and the mazes are more mysterious. And, with the spin dash, corkscrew runs, and pinball-like fun, which makes this game way past cooler.

Sonic the Hedgehog 3

In Sonic the Hedgehog 3, Sonic and Tails fly to a floating island. But, they were out of luck when Knuckles the Echidna joins Dr. Robotnik in destroying Sonic the Hedgehog. In the beginning, Knuckles steals the chaos emeralds from Sonic. But, thanks to the 3-D special stages, Sonic can get the chaos emeralds back, but it's up to you to determine if Sonic wins or not.

Sonic & Knuckles

In Sonic & Knuckles, Knuckles switches sides in Sonic's favor, because Knuckles has found out that Robotnik wanted the giant chaos emerald that powers up the floating island. So, now it's up to you to hep Sonic and Knuckles get the emerald back.

Transformers Beast Wars Fighters

The Beast Wars has just gone into the 64-bit world. All the Maximals and Predicons are in your control to fight one-another. You would be able to play up to 4 players in VS. mode, and fight each other. We will give the controls of the game, and the control combinations for each fighter.

C-Up: changes for fighter's mode (robot-beast, beast to robot, (all fighters) beast-vehicle, vechile-robot (transmetalic robots only)).

R button: makes your fighter fly (certain robots only) [added in pen:] jumps

C- Right: changes fighting view to the right.

L button: makes your fighter attack in vehicle mode (transmetalic robots only)

C-Left: changes fighting view to the left.

C-Down: makes your fighter, in beast mode, attack.

B button: uses your fighter's weapon.

A button: throw punches.

Start: pauses game, and brings option screen up.

Z button: makes a kick.

Control Stick: moves your robot around in all directions.

Rumble Pak compatible.

Optimus Primal

Status:
Height: 6'0"
Type: Transmetal
Vehicle: Hoverboard
Maxinmal Weapon: Plasma Gun

Control Combinations:
A+B=Backpack tank
Vehicle Mode attack: Hoverboard kick

Cheetor

Status:
Height: 5'8"
Type: Transmetal
Vehicle: Wing Jets
Maximal Weapon: Whip Sword

Control Combinations:
A+C-Down=Plasma Cannon
Vehicle Mode attack: Jet cannons

Rattrap

Status:
Height: 5'7"
Type: Transmetal
Vehicle: Hot Rod
Maximal Weapon: Tail Whip

Control Combinations:
A+L=Wheel Shield
Vehicle Mode attack: Tail Stab

Silverbolt

Status:
Height: 5'9"
Type: Fuzor
Vehicle: none
Maximal Weapon: Wing Missles

Control Combinations:
A+R+Z=Pick up and kick
Beast Mode attack: Wing Missles

Dinobot

Status:
Height: 5'9"
Type: Regular
Vehicle: none
Maximal Weapon: Sword

Control Combinations:
B+C-Down=Eye lasers
Beast Mode attack: Tail Whip

Megatron

Status:
Height: 6'0"
Type: Transmetal
Vehicle: Hover Jets
Predicon Weapon: Tail Zapper

Control Combinations:
A+B=Tail whip
Beast Mode attack: Ramming Speed

Tarantulas

Status:
Height: 5'9"
Type: Transmetal
Vehicle: Motorcycle
Predicon Weapon: Sharp Zapper

Control Combinations:
A+C-Down=Leg Zappers
Vehicle Mode attack: Stinger Zapper

Waspinator

Status:
Height: 5'7"
Type: Regular
Vehicle: none
Predicon Weapon: Stinger Missles

Control Combinations:
C-Up+Z=Drop Kick
Beast Mode attack: Stinger Missles

Quickstrike

Status:
Height: 5'6"
Type: Fuzor
Vehicle: none
Predicon Weapon: Cobra Laser

Control Combinations:
A+C-down=Scorpion-Leg grab
Beast Mode attack: Cobra-Head Strike

Inferno

Status:
Height: 6'0"
Type: Regular
Vehicle: none
Predicon Weapon: Flame Rifle

Control Combinations:
R+Z=Jet Shots
Beast Mode attack: Pounce

The Entire Issue

On 24 March 2009, PandaHalo released the Scrapbook of Fail. One of its previously unreleased and notable contents, the Hand-drawn Nintendo Power magazine, was among the first pages of the scrapbook and is being presented in its entirety here.

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  Is this a parody too, Chris?

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  Chris rips off Knuckles Chaotix, worst game ever.

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