Relics of Fail
Have you "discovered" a new Relic of Fail? Make sure it's considered a relic under the the Taxonomy of Fail.
The Relics of Fail, also known as Christorical Artefacts, are several items that Chris places significant emotional value on. Most of the fates of these relics are unknown following the fire at 14 Branchland Court, but several relics, including the Sonic Totem, the Megatron Pistol and the Crumple-Lope are confirmed to have survived, with others likely to have escaped serious damage as well.
The Major Relics
- Amnyfest Ring - Since the Sonichu medallions were stolen, Chris has claimed this mysteriously-named high school ring is the TRUE source of his power. He has since put the ring up on Ebay, claiming his true source of power is within himself.
- Attraction Sign - A relic of days past when Chris had not yet been told by his mother that soliciting using a sign made him look retarded. Many versions existed, most were destroyed. The most recent sight of this to date was at Fridays After Five.
- CWC on TV DVD - A DVD composed of many home videos among other things, such as his Song of Christian.
- Gitar - Apparently convinced this counts as a real guitar, Chris is often seen with his beloved Guitar Hero controller in attempts to look cool. It invariably has the opposite effect.
- Medallions - Hunks of Crayola-brand modeling clay fashioned into the shape of Sonichu's head, among other characters' heads. Once believed by trolls to be the source of his power, they were swiftly corrected, and now Chris shows off his Amnyfest Ring to show that his videos are true and honest. Chris eventually began production selling new medallions on eBay in 2014.
- The Classic - Chris's famous blue, white and red rugby shirt. Formerly thought to have been destroyed during the fire of 2014, Chris later rediscovered it in a damp and grimy bag of clothes, and put it up for sale on eBay after "restoring" by cleaning it the shirt and poorly patching it up.
- PS3 - Chris's life upgrade and the biggest drain on his Monthly Tugboat. Chris is now on to his second PS3.
- PSEye - The window through which trolls can catch glimpses of Chris and his day-to-day life.
- iPhone - The other, more high-quality window to Chris's world.
- Scrapbook - A three-ring binder containing all of Chris's comic pages and other drawings.
- Patti's corpse and doghouse - Chris's beloved dog who is buried in the Chandlers backyard under her doghouse.
- Locks of Chris's hair - Probably the only Relic to have been obtained by trolls which actually comes from Chris's own body.
- Gift Basket of Fail - In a private facebook note, Chris said that he had given a gift basket to the woman who took his virginity. This relic might not actually exist, as some suspect that "gift basket" is actually a euphemism for payment given to a prostitute. Alternatively, some suspect that Chris had made up the story of how he lost his virginity and that it didn't happen at all.
- The Un-clit - A piercing on Chris's perineum that was made on 15 September 2014. Chris believes that this piece of metal will be useful to him should he engage in tribadism with a female. It later became inflamed, prompting Chris to re-pierce it and then remove it forever.
- The self-inflicted taint wound - This time, Chris, not content with a mere piercing, took a knife and sliced his taint open. He then had to be persuaded to get medical care by the very people who troll him.
- Samples of Chris's Semen - a video that was uploaded on 26 February 2016 reveals that Chris has been saving samples of his semen and storing them in his home fridge. In the video Chris showed two samples of semen, one that was produced recently and another one from 18 May 2015.
The Minor Relics
- Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares - A short tract produced by Chris and given as a birthday gift to his gal-pal Sarah Nicole Hammer. The document chronicles the lives of its two title characters and the (almost non-existent) relationship they had while depicting them (and several of their friends and family) as Sonichu characters. The tract's current fate is unknown, although it is more than likely to have been thrown away by Sarah shortly after receiving it.
- Hand-drawn Nintendo Power issue - A lengthy homemade issue of Nintendo Power, crafted to show Sonic ditching Sega to join Nintendo and revealing a little bit of what Chris wants in a Sonichu game.
- Heart Torch - An odd-looking creation, though more original than most of his works. Born of Pixelblocks, it is used in the comics to summon his twin sister, Crystal.
- Muscle Bra - A bra that Chris wears to keep his manboobs in check. He believes that everyone will be turned gay if they don't wear one, too.
- Pedo-Glasses - Have you ever noticed how most pedophiles and rapists in composite sketches wear these kinds of glasses? Yeah, don't think too hard about that.
- PSP - Yet another vessel for Chris's video game obsession. Chris, in typical fashion, has decorated it with images of his flagship character and his own face.
- Sailor Moon Poster - Chris uses this poster to keep himself straight.
- Son-Chu - Chris's beaten old station wagon, now nearly two years overdue for an oil change. Has been replaced twice over the years. Also appears in the comic as one of the Samurai Pizza Bots.
The Lesser Relics
- Anime Wings - A pair of women's hairclips that Chris got at Anime Mid-Atlantic. For some reason, Chris felt the need to incorporate them into his comic.
- Belt Buckle - Not a very well-known relic, but nonetheless extremely amusing.
- Clown Doll - A harmless-looking clown doll, significant in that it often bears the brunt of Chris's fury in his many rage videos.
- Homemade CDs - Chris has made a life out of burning homemade CDs with his own crappy artwork on it. The first notable one was the birth of everybody's favorite Electric Hedgehog Pokémon, Sonichu. The second notable was a CD supposedly made for his sweetheart Catherine, but in reality it was all about him. The third notable, Songs Between Friends: A CD for Christian & Sarah, is a mystery one made for Sarah Hammer on 22 July 2003. Virtually nothing is known about this disc and its track list; its existence and the date in which it was made are attested solely by a drawing from Chris's Scrapbook.
- Fapcup - A plastic cup used by Chris to collect his semen for recycling.
- Li'l Chris - A stuffed bear created at "Create-a-Crear Workshop".
- Megatron Pistol - A toy handgun Chris uses to threaten his most hated foes.
- Plush Boobs of Fail - A pair of fake breasts often seen in his videos, possibly used as a sign of heterosexual virility and as a mass debating tool.
- Pocket knife - A knife that Chris can't handle at all.
- Pokéwalker of Fail - A Poké Ball-shaped pedometer originally packaged with the Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver versions, recolored in the image of one of the seven Sonichu Balls.
- Sex toys - Lots and lots of sex toys, including sex dolls, a vibrator, a dildo, a penis pump, a strap from the dildo, anal beads, penis rings and two Fleshlights.
- Sonic Totem - A demonic looking papier-mâché Sonic that Chris made, and appears in few videos. It has since been sold for $1,500 on eBay.
- Unicorn cosplay - A set of unicorn ears, a horn, and a tail that Chris got at BronyCon 2017. Chris has since worn these accessories outdoors, and even to church, where he was asked to remove it.
- Wiimote of Fail - Like the PSP and Guitar Hero controller, this poor Wiimote has been decked out in Sonichu colors and was used in Chris's attempts to get Miyamoto to make him a video game.
- Other miscellaneous toys - Too many to count; can be seen in Chris's videos and photographs cluttering all over his room. The most notable ones have been listed in this article.
- Various video games and their respective consoles - Thousands of dollars have been spent on them, some of it right from the pockets of the American taxpayers. Chris sold some of those games and consoles to Snooky's Pawn Shop, where they were later obtained by Clyde Cash.
Artwork of Fail
- Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail - Even the simple task of drawing a straight line to depict a drinking straw evades Chrissy.
Inventions of Fail
—Chris's reply to "Leonardo da Vinci", CWCipedia Mailbag.
Chris is truly a renaissance man, with many inventions to his credit. He draws comics, makes videos, is an accomplished singer, models sculptures out of clay, provides voices for the Official Videobooks, and much more. But being the second son of the outstanding inventor Bob Chandler, the man who designed controls for plastic water container molding machines (without which Chris would have no cup from which to drink his navy), our hero just couldn't suppress his natural talent to invent. Thus, Chris added being an inventor extraordinaire to his long list of "accomPLISHments."
In November 2009, Chris received an e-mail from a fan roleplaying as the late Leonardo da Vinci, one of the great artists with whom Chris has compared himself in the past (managing to forget the great Italian's name and misspell his surname). Leo ironically stated that he considers Chris his "artistic equal", and asked if the autistic genius has a similar knack to making inventions, for which Leonardo himself was famous. Being the egotistical and vain person he is, Chris could not allow even Leonardo da Vinci to excel him in any field. Chris was quick to assure Mr. da Vinci in his Mailbag reply that he is, indeed, an inventor as well, and proceeded to list three of the most outstanding of his inventions.
The Four Great Inventions of Christian Weston Chandler
I. The "One set of Inventions" including:
- City of CWCville. (Not really inventions so much as they are fictional concepts, and incredibly derivative ones, at that.) Of course, given Chris's tenuous grasp on reality, he may not realize this.
II. A "heavy-duty case", "built from Legos and held together with tape", whose main purpose is "to hold [his] 20+ Pok'emon [sic] Trading Card Game Decks with an area designed for damage counters, die and such". This is something that may have been a significant accomplishment for say, a 9-year-old, but when a 28-year-old man lists something he built with Lego as an "invention," it can only evoke facepalming. Moreover, Chris did not invent Legos; he merely put them together.
III. The Dating Education Class, which is purely theoretical, and therefore hasn't even been invented yet.
IV. The iDea Book Case, whose main purpose is to store Chris's iOS products.
The Shrines of Fail
- The Wall of Originals - A monument to the wastes of time known as Chris's original Pokémon cards.
- Megan Shrine - Chris's display of his disturbing obsession with the one girl he thought he truly had a chance at, but never will.
The Holy Fails
Procure one of these and drop info about them, and you will be a god amongst men.
While not traditional relics in such that Chris has emotional value, per say, these are Chris-related relics that are of immense value to trolls but, like the fabled Holy Grail, seem impossible to obtain.
- Autism Papers - Presumably papers detailing Chris's exact psychological diagnosis. While a psychiatric survey from 2004 has been procured, the original papers documenting Chris's diagnosis are currently locked away in a filing cabinet in Bob's room.
- Transcripts and Report Cards - Chris's transcripts and report cards, to verify whether if he was indeed on honor roll and to what degree his claims about his high school grades are true.
- Recording of Chris's screaming - Chris claims that during his time in Nathanael Greene Elementary School several members of the school's faculty restrained him to the ground and recorded his screaming. If this recording indeed exists than it is very likely to have been destroyed by now.
- The court records from Bob and Barb's lawsuit against the Greene County Public Schools
- Chris and Barb's mugshots from July 2005 and October 2011
- Chris's KCWC recording for Cole's birthday in July 2000
- The original cut of Chris's Pixelated PS3 video.
- The Crumple-Lope - an envelope residing in the Scrapbook of Fail that stored torn-up remnants of Chris's most-regretted drawings. Even after the 14 Branchland Court fire it still happens to be intact.
- September 2014 Facebook Posts#Introducing the Un-clit
- Chris Chan's Public Announcement
- See the article Nathanael Greene Elementary School for reasons to doubt Chris's several accounts of the Greene County incident.