Homemade Nintendo Power magazine

Cover

Chris had the great idea to make his own Nintendo Power magazine when he was sixteen years old. The magazine is showcased by Chris on his DVD. The issue doesn't contain much other than (you guessed it) shitty drawings of his shitty ideas for video games. This relic is first shown to the world in the Song of Christian. He also includes his craptastic creation, Bionic in this issue of failure. The piece of work reflects on Chris's distorted view of how video game companies would be willing to make video games on obsolete gaming systems and giving up their intellectual property over to another company just to make a fucktard happy.

Chris-chan's creative sterility is on full display here. He slavishly imitates a commercial product using the limited tools available to him: he creates fake letters, copied game sales charts (that he obviously sped through, but knew he had to create), previews for pretend games, imitation strategy guides (possibly copied from actual guides in the magazine), and recycled cheat codes. He even mocks up godawful Sonichu ads. Even the horrible video game ideas are shamelessly recycled--Sonic 64 is exactly like Super Mario 64, the Sonic SNES collection is just like Super Mario All-Stars. The only marginally creative suggestion is a sequel to Sonic and Knuckles... on a Game Boy, which is less than half the strength of the Genesis.

While Sonic "dumping" Sega to be on a Nintendo console seems eerily prescient, rest assured it's just a huge coincidence nobody back in 1998 would've seen coming true. Still, imagine how CWC must've sperged over Sega shitting itself and dying, consigned to releasing terrible, terrible 3D Sonic games on, among other things, Nintendo consoles. Like the cargo cults of the South Pacific, Chris's homemade Nintendo Power prediction coming kinda-sorta true likely spurned on his quest to see Sonichu somehow made into a video game and place extra credence in his dreams associated with his love quest.

Transcript

Cover

Sonic dumps Sega and joins Nintendo!

Sonic the Hedgehog

Comes to Game Boy, Super Nintendo, and Nintendo 64. Sonic Tails, his friends and enemies, all dump Sega and join the Nintendo family. So, get your Game Boy, SNES, and N64, and join the way past cool fun.

Contents

Volume ____

Strategy

• Sonic64
• Sonic & Knuckles
• Super Sonic
• Beast Wars
• Mega Man X 64

Special Features

• Sonic's History

Every Issue

• Player's Pulse
• Power Charts
• Classified Info.
• Counselor's Corner
• Player's Poll Con.
• Arena
• Now Playing
• Gamelist
• Next Issue

Player's Pulse

Sonic is welcomed into Nintendo family in this month's issue, and if the readers say we are joking, well guess what, we aren't. This Month, gamers just want to tell their Nintendo stories. So, it might get a little silly.

(Caption:) Christian Chandler, Richmond, Virgina

Sonic Start
How we got started with the Sonic business, you may ask. Well, you'll have to give most of the credit to Christian Chandler of Richmond, VA. In the beginning, he sent us a letter saying that he had a dream about Sonic on Game Boy, it was a Game Boy version of Sonic and Knuckles. At first we said that he had, "Rocks in his head," but we were completely wrong. Recently, he sent us a copy of a Nintendo Power magazine he made himself. As we looked through it, we thought, " This boy is very creative," and, "he is also determined to make his dream come true." So, we decided to shake hands with Sega, and make this boy's dreams come true. We started off by actually making Sonic 64 for N64, Sonic & Knuckles 2 for Game boy, and Super Sonic for SNES. Then, we sent him a letter letting him know that his dream will come true, and he may come down to Nintendo of America, here in Redwood, WA, to watch the development of his dream coming true. And that he will get a free copy of each Sonic title for each system. Then, We made this magizine, using his home made cover, under his permission. And that's how we got started with the Sonic business.

(Caption:) Christian Chandler, Richmond, Virgina

Cruis'n no more
I just got Cruis'n USA for N64. And I got all of my cars, including the Police car, School Bus, and Jeep, up graded. I tried to upgrade my Italia some more, but it didn't get a higher speed. What I'd like to know is, why?

John Taylor Via the internet

John, the reason you can't get a higher speed on your Italia is, because that's the only top maximum speed.

(Caption:) Ted Qujmby, Angel Grove, California

Letters, continued...

Banjo Kazooie fans
I have been waiting a long time for Banjo Kazooie for N64. I have played as him on Diddy Kong Racing, and He's my favorite character. Now that he's finally going to get his own game, I can't wait. Zach de Brown, Columbia, OH I have Diddy Kong Racing for N64, and my favorite character is Banjo. You may think that he is one of the slowest drivers in DKR, but I was able to make the fastest times in all tracks playing as that cool bear. Besides, my name rhymes with his name, and I think that is cool. Manjo Maurice Newport News, VA

Sonic the Hedgehog Trio

After 100 issues, Sonic and his friends and enemies, comes to the N64, SNES, and Game Boy. We'll tell you about the 3 games, and then we'll take a trip through time and look through Sonic's history. For now, here's...

Sonic the Hedgehog 64 Robotnik is at it again; this time, he kidnapped Princess Sally and stole the power of the Chaos Emeralds from her castle, and roboticised the life in the castle. Sonic warps to the castle through a warp ring, so he can save the princess. What follows is tough; with 15 worlds and many secret special stages. He must collect the emeralds of the castle and destroy Dr. Robotnik. He will also have to destroy robots, big and small, fly with Tails, climb with Knuckles, and slam it with his big brother, Bionic.

Spin Dash. Dash through enemies by holding down and pressing the A button to slice an enemy in half for a ring.

Pound that Bot. You can use this technique to smash bots and computers. While in the air, press the Z button to pound the ground.

Swim. Stroke and kick in the water instead of walking in it, but make sure you come to the surface or get an air bubble, for air before the power meter runs out.

Punch. To punch a bot, press the B button, and he'll jump back, crash and release a ring for you.

The Entire Issue

On 24 March 2009, PandaHalo released the Scrapbook of Fail. One of it's previously unreleased and notable contents, the Hand-drawn Nintendo Power magazine, was among the first pages of the scrapbook and is being presented in its entirety here.

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

  Chris rips off Knuckles Chaotix, worst game ever.

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
•