Tobacky
Tobacky, also known as tobacco, is an agricultural product that contains a powerful stimulant and is commonly smoked to deliver a smooth, easy taste, which people like Chris complain about, but a little-known fact is that it can also be snuffed (snorted like cocaine), or chewed and comically spat in nostalgic '70s/'80s baseball movies.
Christian Weston Chandler hates tobacky almost as much as he hates homos. If he could, he would send every last ounce of tobacky on a rocket to the motherfucking moon.
One of the prerequisites for a sweetheart that Chris has never veered from is that his TRUE sweetheart be "smoke-free", or rather a non-smoker like himself. Strangely, despite being a Family Guy fan, he fails to understand Lois Griffin's sage wisdom: "If she smokes, she pokes."
However, he would probably just throw his morals out if a sexy galpal offered him a smoke.
Chris on tobacky
In an ED edit from 10 November 2007, Chris said:
| “ | He [Chris] also talks about how he wants to take every ounce of "tobacky" (said that way, because he felt uncomfortable saying the actual fucking word) and shoot it to the moon. | ” |
In his Q&A video, Chris stated that tobacco and alcohol importation is the most severe crime in CWCville and warrants "ten years or fifteen hundred dollar fine." In short, importing cigarettes is apparently worse than rape, theft, murder, or even being a homo in CWCville.
In an IRC chat from 02 January 2009, Chris explains why the moon and not the sun:
| “ | I have given thought of sending the tobacco to the Sun, but then the smell from all that would likely emit from the giant star and stink up our Galaxy, possibly shortening the lifespan not only around our world, but the other 8 planets as well. | ” |
| Chris, IRC, 02 Jan 2009, 12:17 | ||
For someone who claimed to have an IQ of "over 300" later in the aforementioned chat, it is odd that he has not put very much thought to this matter, as even people with rudimentary knowledge of astronomy and space travel will no doubt see several immediate problems with this scenario. The Sun has a very large mass compared to rockets that can be plausibly (and safely) constructed and launched from Earth. Any objects hitting the Sun would need corresponding escape velocity to escape the Sun's gravitational well. Chris's plan hinges on the fact that the tobacky has been sent to the Sun for the purpose of destruction, so we can safely assume the rocket itself is not meant to survive the collision with the star and is not meant to make a return trip (highly unfeasible given the state of technology). The masses of tobacky, which obviously lack any form of propulsion themselves, would be safely incinerated in the Sun's surface. A simple illustration: on Earth, an average cigarette burns at temperatures between 400 °C to 700 °C. The surface of the Sun is 5,510 °C.
As for the Sun's capability to burn the Earth's tobacky reserves, even a layman can easily grasp the concept of why the answer is a resounding yes: The Sun's mass is about 332,900 times that of Earth's; Earth is just a tiny ball of rock, the Sun is a giant inferno of flaming hydrogen and helium. You can drop all of Earth's pesky tobacky reserves and the entire Earth along with it in the Sun very comfortably and no one will notice a thing. (Well, apart of the folks on Earth.) We can thus conclude that not only is the Sun effective at burning up tobacky, it is also good at containing the smoke within its enormous gravitational field.
Chris may have been thinking of the solar wind phenomenon, but solar wind does not carry full-blown molecules (on which the stink and harmful health effects of tobacco are based); solar wind is a stream of plasma — electrons and protons. Even solar wind would have little effect on "our Galaxy", because there are not even other stars within the Sun's heliopause. Also, sadly, there are currently only eight planets in the solar system following the 2008 IAU resolution on definition of a planet, never mind the fact that there is no evidence of anything currently living on them that could have its lifespan shortened. And even if it were feasible for the tobacco molecules to go out that far, the distance is so great they likely would have become too diffuse to cause a noticeable difference in the vacuum of space.
Which is a very long way of saying that Chris is so ridiculously stupid that he doesn't realize that smell is not a pseudo-physical phenomenon and is simply a trait of molecules, and is therefore affected by gravity. That, and that he doesn't realize the galaxy is, y'know, big.
And we haven't even mentioned anything about the sheer hilarity of the scenario of trying to send all tobacco supplies into space in the first place!
tl;dr: Chris fails at (highly basic) astrophysics forever.
So, did he stay committed to never smoking the stuff?
Nope, looks like Chris failed to heed godbear's warning.