Chris and sex

This article is rated M for Honest Content It may contain content deemed not safe for work. Reader discretion is advised.

Chris has a warped view of sex (aka "hanky panky"), mostly stemming from stunted sexual development and sheltering (he didn't understand sex until he watched softcore porn on HBO around age 16). He views pornographic films as "educational" and regularly purchases sex toys form AdamEve.com.

Moral basis on sex and double standards

69'ing? Vaginal/Penile intercourse? LOL. I mean really? In a children's comic? 'Cuz they know all about this shit.

“	You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: But I say to you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.	”
Matthew 5:27-28

Sex life viewed through CWC'S eyes is dictated by the Christian bible. Chris is very strict to keeping the word of God when homosexuality is the topic, vehemently stating that he hates homos, but not hesitating to view lesbian porn and approve of it ("I like dykes[…]"). This logic probably stems from an episode of Family Guy where one of Meg's friends states that lesbianism is a choice, while male homosexuality isn't. This was intended as a joke, but like most satire, it flew straight over Chris's head. Another violation of his Christian morals is the fact that he plans on not losing his virginity until a third or fourth date with his true sweetheart (read: first girl who will last three dates with Chris). Well, guess that the whole “no sex till marriage thing” doesn’t matter that much now, does it?

The Christian bible also frowns upon pornographers and sodomites, both sins of which he is guilty, but holds no visible remorse. These double standards cause many trolls to despise him, seeing as he selectively chooses what to dogmatize and what is OK. To his defense, he used to drink his own cum, so that the seed of his loins don’t get lost, á la Onan (but he probably didn't know about that, so it's still just him being stupid). It is still uncertain whether he enjoys the taste of his navy, or just is simply too retarded to figure out that masturbation itself is the sin, not spilling your DNA. Whatever the reason, it's hilarious. It should also be noted that by doing this, he is technically eating his own children. He also believes that premarital sex is okay as long as he's wearing a condom, because that means there will be a barrier between his duck and her china. Again, he doesn't understand that the sex itself is the sin, not the whether they're touching or not.

Despite being told many a time about these fallacies, even quoting passages of the Bible, he will deny it. This is partially because he goes to a very liberal church. Any question about premarital sex is interpreted very liberally by Rocky. He has confronted Rocky about passages quoted to him by the trolls, but since it's a liberal church, she only fuels his cafeteria Christianity by saying things like that sex before marriage is okay as long as the couple is in love, which is pure unadulterated bullshit. He can't have a conservative view of homosexuality and a liberal view of fornication at the same time. Some might call this doublethink. Those who know better know it's just Chris being too retarded to understand hypocrisy.

Knowledge of sex and gender

Due to the combined threat of his somewhat slippery grip on language and his peculiar mindset on sex, Chris is noticeably confused about sexual terminology. While he may have the best intentions in mind, his word choices unwittingly present himself in a very bad light. Chris repeatedly refers to women as the "opposite gender" as opposed to "opposite sex." By definition, "gender" refers to the personality of a person and "sex" refers to the physiology or genetics of a person. So when he is requesting love from an opposite gender, this is an open invitation to MTF trannies. In Sonichu 9, he referred to women as another species. While at times it may seem as if females are from another planet, they are still classified as Homo sapiens, just like men.

In his world, Chris has mastered all there is to know about sex and now regards himself as a sex guru. He claims he learned it all from simply watching porn and hentai; who could think that such art forms were this beneficial? They certainly worked wonders for Chris who believes that masturbating a whole fucking lot will ultimately make him better at sex. And, he has a subscription to Playboy!

Chris also suffers from the delusion that his penis is huge and has bluffed in leaked mp3's that his size measures around 7 inches (17.78 cm) long, and 2 inches (5.08 cm) wide He's also said that it's 4-5 inches (10.16-12.7 cm) as well. Unfamiliar with the concept of "inconsistency", he'll still claim the former. He also has a flaccidity problem, possibly a hormonal pathology or Peyronie's disease. Despite his lack of virility, he is still a stud in his own mind.

He also advises little children to play with the opposite gender's toys. According to him, boys should get My Little Ponys, and girls ought to go for Transformers, all to better understand the opposite gender. Go ahead, take advice from a 27-year-old virgin retard (seriously don’t). Also, in his Dating ED comic, the teacher gave boys "Barbara" dolls and the girls received "Robert" dolls, which disturbingly, are the names of his parents. This is consistent with Freudian psychology, because to a child, the parents are their model for sexual relationships. Of course, Chris's selfish ass doesn't realize that not everyone's parents are like his.

Among other views of gender, Chris reveals somewhat misogynistic ideologies. In his failed attempts at getting a girl at the mall, he concludes that all girls are either already paired up, lesbians, or distracted with shopping. He apparently can’t seem to acknowledge the possibility that women just might not be drawn to a fat, dumpy psycho carrying an "attraction sign" who carries with him the unpleasant aroma of shit. This view is supported by Barbara, because she tells him how handsome and special he is, and how girls wouldn't be able to keep their hands off him. He obviously doesn't realize that all parents think their kids are the most beautiful and perfect little snowflakes in the world, so she's not exactly an unbiased source for compliments.

To further reiterate just how straight he is, Chris released his infamous dildo crushing video, featuring a sign on the back of his foot - which he uses to proclaim that HE IS STRAIGHT for the nth time - containing a crude drawing of a female body, consisting of breasts and a hairy vagina. Because that's what all straight men do to assert their heterosexuality!

Chris in the act

Various leaked audio sex with Julie and the infamous sex tape with Kimmi shed light on Chris as he acts out on his fantasies. Particularly, the sex tape shows how Chris assumes female positions, notably riding on top of Kimmi in a scene straight out of a porn film. Since Chris's entirety of knowledge about sexual relationships stems from pornography (while avoiding watch the males, due to fear of becoming a homo), Chris assumes that it's perfectly normal for a man to ride on top, lean forward, and moan while calling out his partner's name.

Chris's view of cunnilingus involves slobbering over a woman's vagina in the same way a dog would slobber over his master. Despite all his knowledge of porn, he fails to see how cunnilingus is more than just slobbering but proper tongue action to properly stimulate the clitoris.

Chris having sex also involves shouting his lover's name (JUUULAAAAAAY!!!) in the same way an adolescent would shout out "PENIS" during the Penis Game, again, copying what he sees in porn. Chris constantly speaks in a monotone yet high pitched voice, in other words like a female yet without any real feeling.

Chris takes an extremely long time to orgasm in these leaked media, suggesting that Chris may have some issues with delayed orgasm. This can either be physiological (i.e. from his bent duck, fat ass, lack of endurance, etc.) or psychological (i.e. performance anxiety, high expectations, subconscious guilt about sex etc.) in nature.

Some argue that based on such leaked media, Chris may not actually enjoy sex as a manifestation for expressing love or even for physical sensations, but rather in a childlike way of getting some psychological satisfaction from doing something "naughty" and "adult." He only wants to have sex so that he won't be a virgin with rage anymore, and is another attempt at him trying to be "normal".

Staying straight

See also Fear of being a homo
Chris apparently thinks that homosexuality is contagious. He feels that spending time with men will turn him gay so he insists on only having female friends (gal pals). He admitted to using a Sailor Moon poster to stay straight. When he met a gay friend of Megan's, he became hostile. In his apology letter to Megan, he had this to say:

“	Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes from a DVD (and if you'll pardon the expression), shove some pussy in my face. I tell you what, if I ever stoop down to changing my path, I might as well would get a gender change operation."'	”
Chris, "I'm sorry... *sigh*" , Sat, 20 Oct 2007 3:10 pm)

In an an IRC fan chat, Chris went so far as wanting to make homosexuality illegal:

“	if I could have it my way, I'd make it illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "Deck the Halls".	”
Chris, 02 January 09, 11:59

When asked how he would go about this, he commented that homosexuals would "taken in and reprogrammed with multiple upon multiple pleasurable moments with female prison inmates and prosts[itutes]"and that "prisons will no longer be divided between gender." He justifies this as "it's bad enough they're mostly jerks, plus homo men are AGAINST God's will." Apparently sexually harassing, lazy, greedy, vengeful, lustful retards who wish damnation upon others aren't.

Is Chris asexual?

There is a possibility that Chris is asexual, and only uses it to emphasize being STRAIGHT due to the social expectation of adult men to be sexually active and heterosexual. This could also explain some of his twisted views of sex and romance, as he could genuinely not understand the appeal of most sexual activity, but just "goes through the motions". This would also explain why it would seem like he's incontrollably horny all the time, as being fixated on sex means he's straight. He also seems to have the perception that sex is a rite of passage: you are not an adult until you lose your virginity.

• He has the idea he must "maintain" his straightness, much like how he must regularly change the oil of the Sonichu-mobile. While it could be that he is a homo deep down inside, it can also be argued that he has no major sexual compulsions of any kind, and is just trying to induce them through external sources. Why else would he have to try so hard?

• According to himself, Chris only masturbates twice a week, and states that it's only to keep his "hormones under control", while most men masturbate daily, sometimes twice.

• He also did not discover masturbation until the age of 16, which most men figure out once they hit puberty (around 11). Which would mean he had no libido or sexual interest towards girls... or he's too stupid to figure out how to diddle himself. This was also the age where he pretty much discovered sex, not through physical sensation, but through an external source, i.e. HBO's softcore films.

• Chris's interest in finding a sweetheart appears to have been spurred on by a desire for companionship, as opposed to having a sexual relationship. His constant emphasis on being "lonely" as well as requiring his heartsweet to be "caring and compassionate" (which is ironic, because he wouldn't be able to reciprocate them, and stupid, because why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't "caring and compassionate"?), supports this.

• Going with the above, in the Story of My Love Quest Days, Christian states that he does not want a girlfriend for "hanky panky", but instead: "I need a Girlfriend, Solely for LOVE and TRUST!" [Emphasis added]

• While his creepy attempts at touching/kissing Megan and other girls would indicate some form of sexuality, it could just be part of his limited perception of what it means to be a sexually active adult, or just pure and simple attempts at being straight under the rationale that, if he does this to a woman, this makes him not a homo. He's not trying to molest girls and chase them around with a sign out of sexual desire, but rather out of a desire to be either straight or adult.

In short, Chris wants to get laid so he can be a big boy. Just wait until he finds out that's not the definition of adulthood; with the things that come with it, like responsibility, being able to support yourself and possibly others, and having meaningful relationships. Don't worry, he won't. He never learns.

Pedophilia

"I AM NOT A PEDOFORK, YOU DORKS!"

To avoid looking like a pedophile, Chris made an announcement before issue 8 that he was changing the ages of the characters so they could all legally have sex (in Virginia, at least. The age of consent for most states is 16). While retconning a character's age is hardly unusual, it's obvious in this case that he did it just so his recolors could screw — after all, why else would he make such a big announcement about retconning anyway?

Although the Sonichu series originally was intended for children, he put a bunch of porn into issue 8, including, but not limited to, graphic depictions of Sonichu and Rosechu having sex and multiple instances of Rosechu stripping naked (most notoriously near the end of the episode 17, where she face-rapes Jason Kendrick Howell to a near-death state after he taunted Rosechu by throwing a pickle at her). Also, towards the end of episode 17, an anthropomorphic lightning bug exclaims "I've just turned 14-years cute!!!" and wishes to assist Rosechu in making porn for "women's rights". Rosechu says "I don't know child, what with the dumb laws." This quote is a good indicator that Chris believes the legal age should be lower.

All of his attempts at a classified ad for himself always start with "I'm looking for an 18-2X boyfriend free girl…" At his age, being seen with a woman 10 years younger than him would be considered socially unacceptable and downright creepy, based on the "half-your-age-plus-seven" tradition. Of course, Chris doesn't understand the social mores regarding age differences, so to him, if she's legal and breathing, she's fuckable. This, of course, may lead one to ask how low he'd go. If the legal age were, for example, 14, would he still say "I'm looking for an 14-27 year old boyfriend-free girl…"?

In addition, Chris notoriously had sex with Kimmi, an anime blow up doll that looks underage; maintains that he stays straight by looking at a Sailor Moon poster, which features said character and her 8 year old daughter from the future; and when he was editing his ED article to his favor, one of his accounts had underage porn featured prominently on his user page. Most of the underage porn from his user page, along with a few other pieces of pornographic art chosen by him (which, ironically enough, includes Pedobear… twice) would reappear in the "elevator gag" in Sonichu #8.

Chris also harbors a longing for underage Megan Griffin from Family Guy, and even had a video in the favorites of his old Youtube account depicting her with inflatable tits. His ED user page had a picture of her, proclaiming he would be more than willing to be her boyfriend. When he began to be harrassed about being a pedophile, he changed it to say, "I'll be your boyfriend, 18-year-old Megan Griffin". Smooth, Chris. reeeeeeal smooth. This took on a whole new level when he openly proclaimed a desire to have sex with Megan, though he kept himself in check enough to ask that the writers of Family Guy at least age her to 18 before he somehow has sex with her.

Bestiality

“	I can imagine myself doing it with a collie at least. you know, like Lassie.	”
Chris in IRC (27 December 2008)

Some argue that he only said that so he could get to Panda's sweet china. But still - dude would fuck a dog.

Chris is a notorious furry as he has used his hedgehog fursona while cybering with Julay. In the Giant Penis Comic, Chris and Ivy both morph into fursonas during the act of sex. Whether or not he can actually be considered a furry is still debated; people who say he is not a furry point out that he doesn't participate in the furry community and probably draws furry porn because Chris is a creature of habit and is more used to drawing furry porn than human porn. There have been some exceptions, but nearly all Rule 34s he has drawn depicted some furry creatures fucking. He probably doesn't know what a furry is. But he does have a Furcadia account.

In his interview with ScrewAttackEurope, Chris says he's against bestiality, then hoists himself with his own petard by claiming that Sonichu & co. are not "half-humans" but "all-animals" with human form. Technically, this isn't bestiality. They're animals having sex with each other, not humans having sex with animals.

Chris and rape

As Chris's sexual frustrations continue to build and build, some observers have raised the unsettling question of whether he might try to force himself on a woman. The possibility does seem real. His relationship with Megan Schroeder provides many examples of his inability to understand the importance of respecting physical boundaries and the simple fact that "no means no."

Thanks to his characteristic lack of empathy, Chris has almost no grasp on how emotional and physical intimacies develop in the real-world. Anime and porn have taught him all the wrong lessons – he assumes that sex is something that just happens, and usually sooner rather than later. He quite literally follows the saying "rape is how they say 'hello' in Japan". Being a retard, he assumes that not only is that true, but that it applies to Western culture as well. He took it as a given that Megan would put out if he won the PaRappa the Rapper contest and took her to Seattle. In his conversations with Vivian Gee, he professed a belief that sex automatically happens after the third date. During his feud with CChanSonichuCWC, he seemed to think that he’d be able to get some if he lured his rival's girlfriend Kacey to his house, and never mind that she'd probably be able to tell the difference between Chris and her "real" boyfriend. This is him again believing that everyone is as stupid and terrible with faces as he is.

Whether Chris understands rape as a concept is up for debate. He claims that he knows what rape is, but at the very least, his self-absorption and lack of empathy mean that he doesn't understand the gravity of rape, or its long-term consequences for the victim. It is possible that the only reason he knows anything about rape is through porn, where it isn't portrayed as bad, and the girl always ends up enjoying it in the end. When confronted with the news that his sweetheart PandaHalo had been raped by Clyde Cash, and that she had become pregnant as a result of the assault, Chris was easily distracted from the emotional impact of what had happened, and instead focused most of his attention on what kind of domestic arrangements would result, or whether he might have to forego his trip to Nintendo of America headquarters in order to pay for an abortion. His first reaction was to tell her that he wouldn't blame her or "hold it against [her]". Any woman assumes as long as her mate isn't a misogynistic asshole that he wouldn't blame her, and being "reassured" of such isn't exactly comforting nor helpful. He was even willing to accept the mind-boggling possibility that Panda might want to live with Clyde and raise her child alongside him.

While pretending to be a troll in an IRC conversation, Chris suggested twice that the trolls should instigate him to rape Rocky. What this says about Chris, be it that he actually wants to rape Rocky and then use the trolls as a convenient scapegoat ("They made me do it!"), or that he is particularly awful at bluffing, remains a mystery.

In the face all these foreboding indications, however, it helps to keep a few practical facts in mind. Chris is a physically decrepit coward with an incredibly low threshold of pain. If he ever attempted to assault a woman, he probably wouldn’t get very far. For the sake of all involved, anyway, let's hope so. This is assuming that he doesn't squash her first with his massive girth, in which case, there would be a problem.

See also

• Homos