Chris and health

“	Eat less cow meat; Grilled Chicken is healthier. Vegetables and Fruit are a must; Walking or Jogging is great exercise daily. Standing helps too; play some Guitar Hero on Guitar, you have to stand while playing, and move a bit for fun and movement.	”
Chris' advice for Ivan Drago

Christian Weston Chandler is not a very healthy individual in any sense of this word

Chris, as even those with a cursory knowledge of medicine could plainly see, is not in good health. Considering his obesity, lack of exercise, poor nutrition, refusal to take a shower, and the grave disrepair/uncleanliness of his surroundings, he has an extremely high chance of developing potentially life threatening medical problems such as cancer, heart disease or diabetes.

Nutrition

Chris is a known fast food lover, keen on eating at McDonald's 2-3 times a week (when most doctors limit fast food intake to twice a month, if even that much). However, it is speculated that, since his mother probably does not cook often due to her abnormal weight, the family eats out very often. On the rare occasion that Barbara does cook, it usually involves some cheap and easy-to-make food that often is not healthy. Many, many times, has Chris been shown to be a glutton for all kinds of food, eating excessively in public places and during parties. His complexion also gives insight into his daily nutrition, often showing various signs of acne and acne scarring. This suggests that Chris never drinks water, and that he drinks a lot of carbonated drinks and energy drinks (which have been proven to increase erratic behavior). His most probable nutritional intake is as follows:

• Breakfast: Usually nothing because he usually sleeps from 6 am to noon, but on the rare occasion he does eat McDonald's, or some other fast food restaurant with breakfast options.
• Lunch: Fast food in the mall
• Dinner: Eat out with family or poorly cooked meal by Barbara

In addition, it is believed that Chris's diet is one of the causes for Chris's fecal incontinence (the other one being ramming stuff in his shit tube), as chronic constipation can be one cause of fecal incontinence; casually, it happens that Chris's diet of McDonald's, microwaveable food, and little or no veggies or fruit is very likely ridiculously low on fiber and thus a sure-fire way of causing constipation, and Chris has been going on with this diet for who knows how many years.

In short, Chris is a fatty, he denies it, and his food makes him shit himself.

It seems that his diet has finally caught up with him, as it was revealed in the conversation with Kacey's father that Chris's doctor has prescribed him Lipitor for his high cholesterol. Chris claims that he stopped taking the drug in the fall of 2009, but whether he was being honest - especially given the number of obvious lies he told about his health in the course of the rest of the conversation - is uncertain.

Exercise

Chris showing off the official promo pictures of his "real muscles" (with his "muscle bra" on) in 2009

“	...while my body is Strong and Powerful, I am unable to Run Fast without losing breath 10-Seconds in Sonic-Running Speed.	”
CWCipedia

Chris has probably never had any regular exercise since leaving high school, and the lack of physical activity has contributed to his already ballooning shape. It has also left his skin a frightening white that starkly contrasts to the dark background of his room while making videos. One might say that Chris is actually strong from having a lot of weight; however, in normal people this happens because the muscles must build up in order to be capable of moving a large weight. And since Chris pretty much moves only for the strenuous task of getting up off his ass and driving to McDonald's, his muscles have literally withered away, leaving a body made almost entirely out of blubber, as evidenced by his incredibly thin and weak arms that are incapable of breaking wooden sticks and barely capable of tearing cardboard.

When questioned about exercise, he regarded standing up and playing Guitar Hero as exercise. Needless to say Chris is clearly delusional. In Chris' PaRappa contest entry, where he had to dance, during the video he seemed to get tired very easily from dancing for a mere 30 seconds and even stopped recording to take a break (evidenced by the abrupt change of position).

During the later stages of his infatuation with Kacey, many of Chris's videos showed a growing obsession with his own physical power. Chris apparently believes himself to be a nigh-unstoppable testament to human might, and has made several videos dedicated to flexing and feats of strength, performing Herculean tasks such as lifting an office chair and almost doing fake pushups. He appears to believe that he could defeat both his rivals Gregg Mays and Liquid Chris were it to come to blows, and as such has challenged them to fisticuffs multiple times.

Of course, Chris is once again completely delusional about his own abilities. The push ups and curls he has done on camera only serve to demonstrate exactly how hopelessly out of shape he really is, and the fighting moves he's shown us are laughably incompetent. Were Chris to get his wish and physically confront Gregg or Liquid, he would almost definitely be defeated very quickly retreat with Sonic Speed.

In the Father Call and the subsequent Kacey and Liquid Call, Chris made various claims about having taken up jogging. At one point he claimed to jog five miles a day, but it didn't take long for Kacey and her father to call him out on this obvious lie. The truth is clearly shown in the video Sonichu's Edge, where Chris runs only a fraction of a mile and had to take six breaks to catch his breath.

Hygiene

“	And he [Sonichu] showers afterwards with shampoo and soap. He showers DAILY, and I shower Daily.	”
Chris, totally lying

Chris's hygiene is perhaps his worst quality. Many times has Chris regarded Axe as a substitute for a shower, often always leaving him with a rather pungent odor. According to Emily, he smelled of "rotten watermelons;" Robert Simmons V said that he had a variant of the homeless person stank, and field agents have said various degrees of shit, sometimes body odor masked with gallons of Axe. Other reports are he smells like rotting fish in the sun with soiled underwear and a hint of Axe. In some accounts, Chris has claimed to use hand sanitizer all over his body, which is a bad idea as it clears the skin of all bacteria inviting more infectious germs. Because of the lack of showers (and/or Barbara's inability to clean properly), the kitchen and bath tiles are covered with a disgusting black and brown mold. In several videos, his neck sometimes seems to have an odd brownish crust around it. Some speculate it is simply a shadow, some believe it might be metal particles from his medallion's chain, but it is most likely the years of dirt and grime that have built up from a lack of showers. Curiously, he endorses Axe Shower Gel. Considering that he refuses to take showers and is a sucker for Axe products, one wonders what he even bothers using it for.

Bet you wanna take a shower now, don't you. Go ahead, we'll wait.

Unless being immersed in his surroundings for so long has destroyed his ability to note his foul vapors, it's a marvel that Chris refuses to indulge in that most important of hygienic activities. Most likely, it's because time spent in the shower is time not spent playing video games, drawing terrible comics, or very slightly possibly getting laid. If he showered regularly, his -45% chance of finding a boyfriend-free girl would erupt all the way up to 0%.

Dental health

Inside of Chris's mouth

Chris's fondness for baring his fangs in moments of tard rage has revealed substantial dental work, particularly on his back molars, which look to have had most of their surface drilled and filled to deal with cavities. It seems likely that Chris takes about as much care of his teeth as any other part of his body, and that he'll be needing crowns and other painful, expensive dental surgery some time later in his life.

Mental health

As noted, Chris has a hostile relationship with psychotherapy, so there is little that can be said about what mental illnesses he has. Because autism isn't nearly enough to explain the full spectrum of his abject psyche, many observers have tried to pin down Chris for a variety of mental illnesses ranging from sociopathy (minus the increase in charisma) to narcissism (ditto). Chris is so very, very screwed up that it's impossible to tell if he's really mentally ill or just that much of a waste of space.

The one mental failing that debilitates Chris most, even more than his autism, is his rigid refusal to adapt to his environment. This stubbornness, more than anything else, is what makes him such a frustrating failure of a human being—he refuses to advance mentally beyond the mind of a 10-year-old with some Playboy magazines stuffed under his mattress. Whatever mental problems he may have are only exacerbated by this stubborn inability to mature or even alter his tactics.

His social awkwardness, narcissism, and several other unwanted traits trace back to his inept parents, who spoil him and tell him life will be all sugar and rainbows. However, since Chris has been pampered and sheltered from basically all forms of outside influence, this has left Chris lacking experience with the real world and lacks basic feelings such as empathy, sympathy, consideration for others, and humility. His reaction of the real world can be best seen when confronted with trolls and such (for instance, he will freak out yell at things, blame his autism, and maybe crush a dildo). He also has a peculiar notion that he is slim, broad shouldered, tan, with a full head of hair, and generally not creepy. This image comes from two things:

• His mother would always tell him how "handsome" he is (clearly she needs to seek professional help too)

• He has an inability to remember faces (for example, during the Blanca incidents, they showed pictures of two different girls and he never suspected a thing; he thinks that he and Billy Mays would have looked the same if Billy shaved off his beard; and he believes Emily and Kim to be two different people when they are one and the same). In high school, he had to remember his own appearance in the mirror, leaving his younger and more youthful image of himself branded in his mind. The fact that the only distinguishing features of his cartoon characters are hair and eye color also point to this, although this may just be Chris being a shitty artist.

Now many people think that Chris is misguided and simply needs to be steered in the right direction and all he needs is a quick talk. However…

Other deformities

Chris's duck is a thing of horror, bent at an irregular angle. Armchair physicians have diagnosed him with Peyronie's disease, which causes the penis to be crooked. Trolls rather believe he bent his dick due to incredibly furious fapping. While correctable, the process is expensive, and Chris has other, more important things on which to spend his (by "his" we mean "taxpayers'") money.

Chris is also mildly heterochromatic. He cites taking medicine from when he had pink eye as causing his right eye to turn green during high school, although the above armchair physicians have their doubts about this origin story; in this photo of a young Chris, his right eye is green. He probably tells this story so people think he's special.

His voice is also a very severe deformity, ranging in pitch from normal to the sound of a 3-year old girl on helium all the way to Gilbert Gottfried (voice of Iago from Disney's Aladdin).

See also

• Autism
• Obesity