Relics of Fail
Revision as of 22:39, 23 November 2010 by Imegyvadov (talk | contribs)
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PROTIP:
Have you "discovered" a new Relic of Fail? Cool, just see if it's considered a relic under the the Taxonomy of Fail.
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The Relics of Fail are several items that Chris places significant emotional value on. These are the Relics of Fail.
The Major Relics
- Amnyfest Ring: Since the Sonichu medallions were stolen, Chris has claimed this mysteriously-named high school ring is the TRUE source of his power.
- Attraction Sign: A relic of days past when Chris had not yet been told by his mother that soliciting using a sign made him look retarded.
- "CWC on TV" DVD: A DVD composed of many home videos, among other things such as his Song of Christian.
- Gitar: Apparently convinced this counts as a real guitar, Chris is often seen with his beloved Guitar Hero controller in attempts to look cool. It frequently has the opposite effect.
- Medallions: Hunks of Crayola-brand modeling clay fashioned into the shape of Sonichu's head, among other characters' heads. Once believed by trolls to be the source of his power, they were swiftly corrected, and now Chris shows off his Amnyfest Ring to show that his videos are true and honest.
- PSEye: The window through which trolls can catch glimpses of Chris and his day to day life.
- Scrapbook: A three-ring binder containing all of Chris's comic pages and other drawings.
The Minor Relics
- Hand-drawn Nintendo Power: A lengthy issue of Nintendo Power, customized to show Sonic ditching Sega to join Nintendo and revealing a little bit of what Chris wants in a Sonichu game.
- Heart Torch: An odd-looking creation, though more original than most of his works, born of Pixelblocks. It is used in the comics to summon his twin sister, Crystal.
- Pedo-Glasses: Have you ever noticed how pedophiles and rapists in composite sketches wear these kinds of glasses? Yeah. Don't think too hard about that.
- PSP: Yet another vessel for Chris's video game obsession. Chris, in typical Chris fashion, has decorated it with images of his flagship character and his own face.
- Sailor Moon Poster: One of many things Chris presumably masturbates to in order to keep himself heterosexual.
- Son-Chu: Chris's car. Also apparently a Transformer.
- Muscle bra: Actually, just a sports bra, which Chris sadly wears, thinking that everyone will be turned gay if they don't wear one, too. In reality, the opposite might occur.
The Lesser Relics
- Belt Buckle: Not a very well-known relic but nonetheless extremely amusing.
- Clown Doll: A harmless-looking clown doll, significant in that it often bears the brunt of Chris's fury in his many rage videos.
- Li'l Chris: A stuffed bear—not, in fact, Chris's duck.
- Megatron pistol: A toy handgun Chris uses to threaten his most hated foes.
- Plush Boobs of Fail: A pair of fake breasts often seen in his videos, possibly used as a sign of heterosexual virility and as a mass debating tool.
- Wii Remote: Like the PSP and Guitar Hero controller, this poor Wiimote has been decked out in Sonichu colors and was used in Chris's attempts to get Miyamoto to make him a video game.
- Pocket knife: A knife that Chris can't handle at all.
- Pokéwalker of Fail: A Poké Ball-shaped pedometer originally packaged with the Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver versions, recolored in the image of one of the seven Sonichu Balls.
The Shrines of Fail
- The Wall of Originals: A monument to the wastes of time known as Chris's original Pokémon cards.
- Megan Shrine: Chris's display of his disturbing obsession with the one girl he thought he truly had a chance at. Spoiler alert: he never had a chance and never will.
Artwork of Fail
- Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail: Even the simple task of drawing a straight line to depict a drinking straw evades Mr. Weston Chandler.
The Holy Fails
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PROTIP:
Procure one of these and upload them to CWCki and you will be a fucking God amongst men.
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While not traditional relics in such that Chris has emotional value, per say, these are Chris related relics that are of immense value to trolls but, like the fabled Holy Grail, seem impossible to obtain.
- Autism papers - presumably papers detailing Chris's exact psychological diagnosis. While a psychiatric survey from 2004 has been procured, the original papers documenting Chris's diagnosis are currently locked away in a filing cabinet in Bob's room.
- Transcripts and report cards - Chris's transcripts and report cards, to verify whether if he was indeed on honor roll and to what degree his claims about his high school grades are true.
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