Monthly tugboat
|
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK! The contents of this page have been bought with taxpayer money! |
|
| “ | Yet AGAIN I am waiting for my next tugboat from my Social before I can even pay a Website to Host me and grant me a better .com domain name than sonichu.com | ” |
| Chris to Miyamoto, complaining about how long his free money is taking | ||
The monthly tugboat is Chris's euphemism for his Social Security Disability Insurance check. Essentially, the United States government has a taxpayer-funded program to financially support disabled individuals whose injuries or ailments leave them unable to work.
Chris receives roughly $800 each month, with $450 going to his parents for room and board. The rest of it generally goes towards video games or straight up his ass. However, $350 per month is nowhere near enough to satisfy Chris's need for games, porn, PlayStation Network downloads, a constant supply of Chicken McNuggets, and, since the summer of 2009, alcohol. As of July 2009, he owed at least $2000 in credit-card debt, some on cards of his own and some on cards he stole from his parents.
Challenged by a correspondent in the Mailbag, Chris claimed that he is not wasting his taxpayer-funded tugboat, because he is putting that money back into the economy and indirectly paying the tugboats of others. According to Chris's logic, by purchasing useless commercial goods, he is paying sales tax which the government puts directly back into the hands of the needy. This is a tremendous leap of faulty rationalization, even for Chris, and he fails to elaborate on his shaky economic theories in any detail. If you thought he didn't understand money before, you ain't seen nothing yet.
On the advice of his father, Chris doesn't get a job, supposedly because the tugboat gives him more money overall. However, Bob is totally wrong. At the time of this writing, minimum wage in the state of Virginia is $7.25, pursuant to federal minimum wage. If Chris were to somehow do a complete 180 on his life, get off welfare, and begin working a full 40-hour week, his monthly income before taxes and his rent payment would be approximately $1,260 USD. This would put Chris's annual income range, before tax, at roughly $15,100. Subtracting what he pays his parents to live in filth monthly, as well as the 5% tax his income range mandates in the state of Virginia, Chris could very likely be left with a ridiculous $9,000 in spending money, enough for many more sex toys and video games. Contrast this with the $4,200 Chris pulls annually from the government after paying off his parents (roughly equal to what he's spent in total so far on his PS3).
Even if this weren't enough, the most cursory research reveals that an SSDI recipient could have earned from $700 dollars a month in the year 2000, when Chris was 18, to $1000 dollars a month in 2010 without losing a cent of their SSDI income.[1] It's clear that Bob's decision to encourage Chris's unemployment comes from negligent ignorance, blind delusion, or the knowledge that his son is a total failure who can bring nothing but shame on himself and his family. He's caused Chris to miss out on over $100,000 in potential earnings through the end of 2010, which could buy a lot of bras, fake pussies, children's toys, and Lego-covered PS3 accessories.
If Bob's motivation comes from the reasonable realization that Chris could never survive in an real-world workplace environment, of course, one wonders why he keeps unleashing him to run amok on an unsuspecting public.
In the father call, Chris claims that his disability check is "a stepping-stone in the right direction of [him] moving out". Clearly, Chris doesn't believe wasting his disability check on video games and porn will somehow aid in his moving out. He is well aware that he will inherit his family's home and that he will never need to work, and he plans to do both. In other words, Chris plans to keep getting his tugboat for the rest of his life.
Rough calculations and estimations say that if Chris lives into his 80s, given reasonable "cost of living" increases to his tugboat annually, he will receive roughly $900,000 to $1,000,000 over his lifetime (In this day and age however, that's chump change and he'd amass a larger fortune if he simply got off his ass and got a career). However, it's extremely unlikely that his fat ass will live anywhere near that long.
References by Chris
- The earliest known use of the term "monthly tugboat" comes in Chris's first e-mail to his brother Cole Smithey, from March 2007. When introducing himself, Chris says, "I'm getting by livin' with my folks and a monthly tugboat." He does not actually explain what a "monthly tugboat" is supposed to be.
- An e-mail to Megan from August 2007 recounts Chris's purchase of Guitar Hero with his latest tugboat check.
- During the Miyamoto Saga, Chris claimed he was waiting for his tugboat (in an e-mail to "Miyamoto" himself, no less) to fix technical problems with his website.
- In Mumble 1, Chris mentions that he'll have to wait for his next tugboat to buy some new content for Ape Escape on the PSP.
- In BlueSpike PSN Chat 4, Chris tells Julie that he can't make it to Ohio until his next tugboat comes in.
- The later months of 2009 and afterwards have seen Chris largely give up using the term "tugboat," possibly because of its extensive adoption by trolls in the Mumble chats, the Mailbag, and elsewhere. In the Father Call he refers to it as his "monthly income," while in the Jackie e-mails he simply says he's on Social Security.