DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS
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This article is rated M for Honest Content
It may contain content deemed not safe for work. Reader discretion is advised.
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| “ | You know it's okay to be different. Ya know, sometimes we have our accidents, we poop ourselves. Yeah, then we end up with dirty pants. | ” |
| Chris, Don'tPintheOop | ||
DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS is trollish shorthand used in reference to Chris's troubles with encopresis. Coined by Chris himself in an IRC chat from January 2009, it has quickly became a popular catchphrase.
In short, Chris unwittingly shits himself often. Even after encouragement from his doctor and from his mother, Chris would refuse to wear butt garments because, according to the Ivy Q&A, he felt they were for babies. He had only one or two episodes where he wore the butt garments; though they were only worn because Ivy told him it was his punishment for cheating on her with Vanessa Hudgens. Based on his own comments on the subject and those of people who've managed to get close to him (particularly his now-deceased sweetheart Ivy), stress tends to inspire these episodes, but at other times he appears to be too lazy, careless, or distracted to bother making his way to a toilet.
Chris on CRAPPED BRIEFS
Chris first alluded to difficulty controlling his bowels during a December 2008 IRC chat with PandaHalo, where he admitted that he sometimes mistook a bowel movement for gas and shat himself as a consequence. He said it did not happen often, and replied with an emphatic "NO" when Panda suggested that he wear adult diapers to deal with the problem.
Ground zero for the CRAPPED BRIEFS phenomenon was 20 January 2009, when Chris made a bizarre slip while arguing with Clyde Cash and BILLY MAYS on IRC. When prodded by the trolls concerning his alleged fondness for wearing women's underwear, Chris angrily retorted, "I have NUMBERS OF PAIRS OF DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS."
Later, during the infamous Julie Reveals Herself episode, Chris shat himself in mid-conversation while sparring with BlueSpike. Shortly before "Max" forced Chris to shove his medallion up his ass, he asked if Chris had lost control. Chris first shouted "MAYBE!", and then gave up and admitted "...Yes."
On 28 April 2009, Chris admitted in a video that he craps his pants when he's stressed and claimed that it's perfectly normal, comparing shitting his pants as a grown man with a baby defecating in its diaper.
On 1 December 2009, Chris refused to offer advice to a Mailbag correspondent who suggested that she had some degree of fecal incontinence, claiming that the topic was personal, and that he refused to talk about it.[1] Given Chris's gloried history of bad taste and indiscretion, this drawing a line between what is private and public could be a milestone. Or, perhaps, he just found the idea of a girl who shits herself to be too icky for his tastes.
Further evidence of Chris's discomfort in talking about the subject lies in his choice of dated vocabulary. Rather than calling toilets a "toilet" or a "john", Chris refers to them formally and in an antiquated fashion as "commodes", almost as if he's embarrassed to mention them. Yet ironically, DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS are not a personal subject.
In an AIM chat conducted on 20 October 2010, Chris revealed to Jackie that on many occasions where he turns what was once white into brown, it slips out painlessly and that he doesn't know until he sits down. In fact, he had shat himself at the exact point where she asked about the term "DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS". He blamed it on "stress" that he had from earlier in the session, which involved recalling tales of high school bullying. He then stated that it had happened in previous chats between them and that they might have a "psychic link."
On 30 October 2010, Chris revealed how he handles crapping himself in public. He admitted that when he loses control, he goes into the nearest public restroom, walks into a stall, and wipes his ass and shitty underwear with toilet paper. Otherwise, he waits until the drive home to clean himself up. Yes, everyone, he openly admits not only to shitting his pants, but also to driving home with shit smeared all over his ass. This adds to the list of reasons why not to accept a ride from Chris.
In a July 2011 post on the Tomboys and Tomgirls of Virginia forum, Chris revealed that he now only wears panties and refuses to wear briefs. [2] Ironically, Chris's desperation to prove he does not wear women's underwear is what led him to reveal his "problem" to the world. No word on whether or not Chris has had to deal with DIRTY, CRAPPED PANTIES yet.
Ivy on CRAPPED BRIEFS
Ivy's postmortem account of her time with Chris sheds some more light on Chris's incontinence issues. Chris has had trouble controlling his bowels ever since he was a child, she says, but the problem became more acute after he finished school.
In the spring of 2009, the subject had become a source of serious contention between Chris and Barbara. At the time, Chris would frequently toss his dirty underwear, still fully loaded with excrement, in the family's communal laundry basket. Eventually they brought up the problem with their doctor, who advised Chris to make changes to his diet and exercise routine, and possibly wear protective garments.
Chris didn't think much of these suggestions, especially the notion that he should wear "diapers" — "That's for babies!" was his comment. At first, Barbara tried to force the issue by refusing to do his laundry, but she eventually relented after Chris dropped a massive load in his sheets while asleep and left it to stew for a day or so.[3] As of now, thankfully for us, we have yet to see the after-effects of the DIRTY, CRAPPED BED.
Additionally, given the filthy condition of the Chandler house, this is also a straight-up guarantee that Chris, Barbara, Bob (when he was alive), and nearly anyone who enters his house enters a dung cave of no escape: having to deal with Chris' shit leaves you coated in it, both metaphorically and literally. [2]
It's a particularly Chris-like sort of irony that he finds the suggestion of wearing diapers an insult to his maturity level, but sees no implications regarding that same maturity in the fact that he routinely shits his pants.
Ivy's account indicates that Chris's incontinence becomes more of a problem when he's frightened or under stress. Around the time of his visit to the doctor, thanks to what was apparently a prank call from a troll unaffiliated with the real Clyde, Chris was sincerely afraid that Clyde Cash planned to come to his home and kill him, and of course ended up crapping in his bed as a result. It's unclear whether this is also the incident that caused Barb to start doing his laundry again, or whether it's a separate bed-shitting.
Transcript
21:13 <@clydeC> YOU WANT A MAN DEEP INSIDE YOU
21:13 <%ChrisChanSonichu> That, sir is INCORRECT.
21:13 <@clydeC> YOU WANT TO WEAR A BRA AND PANTIES
21:13 <@clydeC> OH WAIT, YOU HAVE!
21:13 <@clydeC> AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
21:13 <@BILLY_MAYS> ZING
21:14 <%ChrisChanSonichu> Clothing does not make a person.
21:14 <@clydeC> THAT ISN'T CLOTHING CHRIS
21:14 <@clydeC> IT IS YOUR DESIRE TO BE A GIRL
21:14 <@clydeC> THAT IS SHOWING
21:14 <%ChrisChanSonichu> Bras and Panties are considered UNDERWEAR, and UNDERWEAR is a type of CLOTHING.
21:14 <@clydeC> LOOK, I KNOW EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE
21:14 <@BILLY_MAYS> T-SHIRT = CLOTHING, BRA = FEMALE SUPPORT GARMENT
21:14 <@clydeC> LOOK, BRAS ARE FOR FEMALES
21:14 <@clydeC> SO EXPLAIN THAT
21:15 <@clydeC> AND SO ARE PANTIES, UNLESS YOU'RE GAY
21:15 <@clydeC> WHICH YOU ARE
21:15 <%ChrisChanSonichu> Brief and Boxer = Clothing as well.
21:15 <@clydeC> BUT THOSE ARE FOR GUYS
21:15 <@clydeC> WHICH YOU DON'T WEAR APPARENTLY
21:15 <@clydeC> BECAUSE YOU WEAR PANTIES
21:15 <%ChrisChanSonichu> I have NUMBERS OF PAIRS OF DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS.
21:15 <@BILLY_MAYS> WAIT
21:15 <@clydeC> WHAT? CAN'T MAKE IT TO THE BATHROOM!?
21:15 <@BILLY_MAYS> YOU.... YOU....
21:15 <@BILLY_MAYS> WHAT
21:16 <@BILLY_MAYS> WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU OFFER THAT INFORMATION
21:16 <%ChrisChanSonichu> at those times, it mostly slipped out without my knowledge.
21:16 <@BILLY_MAYS> OH JESUS CHRIST NO
21:16 <@clydeC> WOW, YOU'RE EVEN MORE PATHETIC THAN I IMAGINED
21:16 <@clydeC> YOU'RE STILL IN THE CLOSET, AND YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOUR BOWELS
