Chris and health
| “ | Eat less cow meat; Grilled Chicken is healthier. Vegetables and Fruit are a must; Walking or Jogging is great exercise daily. Standing helps too; play some Guitar Hero on Guitar, you have to stand while playing, and move a bit for fun and movement. | ” |
| Chris' advice for Ivan Drago[1] | ||
Chris, as even those with a cursory knowledge of medicine could plainly see, is not in good health. Considering his obesity, lack of exercise, poor nutrition, refusal to take a shower, and the grave disrepair/uncleanliness of his surroundings, he has an extremely high chance of developing potentially life threatening medical problems such as cancer, heart disease or diabetes.
Nutrition
Chris is a known fast food lover, eating either McDonald's or Burger King (usually with his father) at least once a day. He has been known to dine out up to 4 times a day. The fact that he's merely fat and not morbidly obese with such an awe-inspiring caloric intake and inactive lifestyle suggests a fairly high metabolism, one which will almost certainly not last indefinitely. On the rare occasion that Barbara does cook, it usually involves some cheap and easy-to-make food that often is not healthy.[citation needed] Many, many times, has Chris been shown to be a glutton for all kinds of food, eating excessively in public places and during parties. His complexion also gives insight into his daily nutrition, often showing various signs of acne and acne scarring. This suggests that Chris never drinks water, and that he drinks a lot of carbonated drinks and energy drinks (which have been proven to increase erratic behavior). His most probable nutritional intake is as follows:
- Breakfast: Usually nothing because he usually sleeps from 6 am to noon, but on the rare occasion he does eat McDonald's, or some other fast food restaurant with breakfast options.
- Lunch: Something quick at home, or fast food, either alone or with his father.
- Dinner: Eat out with family or poorly cooked meal by Barbara (although with her deteriorating health, her poorly cooked meals may just become replaced by more fast food) or fast food.
In addition, it is believed that Chris's diet is one of the causes for his fecal incontinence (the other one being ramming stuff in his shit tube), as chronic constipation can be one cause of fecal incontinence;[2] casually, it happens that Chris's diet of McDonald's, microwaveable food, and little or no veggies or fruit is very likely ridiculously low on fiber and thus a sure-fire way of causing constipation, and Chris has been going on with this diet for who knows how many years.
In short, Chris is a fatty, he denies it, and his food makes him shit himself.
It seems that his diet has finally caught up with him, as it was revealed in the conversation with Kacey's father that Chris's doctor has prescribed him Lipitor for his high cholesterol. Chris claims that he stopped taking the drug in the fall of 2009, but whether he was being honest (especially given the number of obvious lies he told about his health in the course of the rest of the conversation) is uncertain.
Places where Chris likes to eat
Exercise
| “ | […] while my body is Strong and Powerful, I am unable to Run Fast without losing breath 10-Seconds in Sonic-Running Speed. | ” |
| CWCipedia[3] | ||
Chris has probably never had any regular exercise since leaving high school, and the lack of physical activity has contributed to his already ballooning shape. Since he barely leaves his house and focuses his time on playing video games, his lack of exposure to the sunlight left his skin a frightening white that starkly contrasts to the dark background of his room while making videos. One might say that Chris is actually strong from having a lot of weight; however, in normal people, this happens because the muscles must build up in order to be capable of moving a large weight. Since Chris very rarely performs any task more physically demanding that lifting an office chair, his muscles have withered away, leaving a body made almost entirely out of blubber, as evidenced by his incredibly thin and weak arms that are incapable of breaking wooden sticks and barely capable of tearing cardboard.
When questioned about exercise, he regarded standing up and playing Guitar Hero as exercise. Needless to say Chris is clearly delusional. In Chris' PaRappa contest entry, where he foolishly chose to dance, he seemed to get tired very easily from dancing for a mere 30 seconds and even stopped recording to take a break (evidenced by the abrupt change of position).
During the later stages of his infatuation with Kacey, many of Chris's videos showed a growing obsession with his own physical power. Chris apparently believes himself to be a nigh-unstoppable testament to human might, and has made several videos dedicated to flexing and feats of strength, performing Herculean tasks such as lifting an office chair and almost doing fake push-ups. He appears to believe that he could defeat both his rivals Gregg Mays and Liquid Chris should it to come to blows, and as such has challenged them to fisticuffs multiple times.
Of course, Chris is once again completely delusional about his own abilities. The push-ups and curls he has done on camera only serve to demonstrate exactly how hopelessly out of shape he really is, and the fighting moves he's shown us are laughably incompetent. Were Chris to get his wish and physically confront Gregg or Liquid, he would definitely have his ass handed to him.
In the Father Call and the subsequent Kacey and Liquid Call, Chris made various claims about having taken up jogging. At one point he claimed to jog five miles a day, but it didn't take long for Kacey and her father to call him out on this obvious lie. The truth is clearly shown in the video Sonichu's Edge, where Chris runs only a fraction of a mile and had to take six breaks to catch his breath, whereas with a person in decent health would take a few seconds to jog the same distance without having to stop as often as Chris did.
Hygiene
| “ | And [Sonichu] showers afterwards with shampoo and soap. He showers DAILY, and I shower Daily. | ” |
| Chris[4] | ||
Chris's hygiene is perhaps his worst quality. Many times has Chris regarded Axe as a substitute for a shower. According to Emily, he smelled of "rotten watermelons;" Robert Simmons V said that he had a variant of the homeless person stank, and field agents have said body odor masked with gallons of Axe.
Because of the lack of showers and the decrepit state of his home, the kitchen and bath tiles are covered with a disgusting black and brown mold. Curiously, he endorses Axe Shower Gel. Considering that he refuses to take showers and is a sucker for Axe products, one wonders what he even bothers using it for.
Chris compounds this problem by frequently going for days without changing his clothes. Close perusal of his videos has shown him wearing the same shirt for as many as three or four days at a stretch. Fortunately, for his wardrobe at least, Chris sleeps in the nude, except for socks.[citation needed] There's something to think about.
Unless being immersed in his surroundings for so long has destroyed his ability to note his foul vapors, it's a marvel that Chris refuses to indulge in basic hygienic activities. Most likely, it's because time spent in the shower is time not spent playing video games, drawing terrible comics, or stalking young ladies. If he showered regularly, his -45% chance of finding a boyfriend-free girl would erupt all the way up to 0%.
Dental health
Chris's fondness for baring his fangs in moments of tard rage has revealed substantial dental work, particularly on his back molars, which look to have had most of their surface drilled and filled to deal with cavities. It seems likely that Chris takes about as much care of his teeth as he does any other part of his body, and that he'll be needing crowns and other painful, expensive dental surgery some time later in his life, assuming he lives that long.
Although it is difficult to tell, in the few instances we get to see his teeth, they seem to be a strange yellow-brown color, which is the result of large consumption of carbonated drinks, poor dental hygiene, and refusal to visit a professional under the influence of his massive narcissism.
Mental health
As noted, Chris has a hostile relationship with psychotherapy, so there is little that can be said about what mental illnesses he has. Because autism isn't nearly enough to explain the full spectrum of his abject psyche, many observers have tried to pin down Chris for a variety of mental illnesses ranging from sociopathy (minus the increase in charisma) to narcissism (ditto). Chris is so very, very screwed up that it's impossible to tell if he's really mentally ill or just that much of a waste of space.
The one mental failing that debilitates Chris most, even more than his autism, is his rigid refusal to adapt to his environment. This stubbornness, more than anything else, is what makes him such a frustrating failure of a human being—he refuses to advance mentally beyond the mind of a 10-year-old with some Playboy magazines stuffed under his mattress. Whatever mental problems he may have are only exacerbated by this stubborn inability to mature or even alter his tactics.
His social awkwardness, narcissism, and several other unwanted traits trace back to his inept parents, who spoil him and tell him life will be all sugar and rainbows. It is quite possible that Chris doesn't feel like his life has truly begun, that he is still in the "pre-adult" years—this could be related to Chris still being a virgin, and a possible belief, subconscious or otherwise, that he isn't able to truly be an adult until he has sex. Since Chris has been pampered and sheltered from basically all forms of outside influence, he lacks experience with the real world, as well as basic feelings such as empathy, sympathy and humility. His reaction to the real world can best be seen in his reactions to trolls; instead of dealing with them in a constructive way (taking their advice) or even a neutral way (getting the fuck off our internets), he will freak out, yell at things, blame his autism for his shortcomings, and maybe crush a dildo.
He also has a peculiar notion that he is slim, broad-shouldered and tan, and that he has a full head of hair and is generally not creepy. This image comes from two things:
- His mother would always tell him how "handsome" he was. Clearly she needs to seek professional help too. Or she was just telling him that because, well, that's what mothers do.
- He has an inability to remember faces. For example, during the Blanca incidents, trolls used pictures of two different girls to represent Blanca and he never suspected a thing; he thinks that he and Billy Mays would have looked the same if Billy shaved off his beard. In high school, he had to remember his own appearance by staring in the mirror, leaving his more youthful image of himself branded in his mind.[5] The fact that the only distinguishing features of his cartoon characters are hair and eye color also point to this, although this may just be Chris being a shitty artist.
Many people think that, far from being mentally ill, Chris is just misguided and simply needs to be steered in the right direction. However…
Other deformities
Bent at an irregular angle, Chris's duck is a thing of almost otherworldly horror. While there has been much speculation as to the cause of this (possibly Peyronie's disease), it is ultimately a mystery that will probably, thankfully, never be solved. While correctable, the process is expensive, and Chris has other, more important things on which to spend his (or rather, taxpayers') money.
Chris also has mild heterochromia, which he claims is the result of pinkeye medicine that he took in high school. However, in this photo of a young Chris, his right eye is green. He probably tells this story so people think he's special.
His voice is also a very severe deformity, ranging in pitch from normal to the sound of a 3-year old girl on helium all the way to Gilbert Gottfried. So far, there has been not even a guess as to why his voice sounds so weird, or why it's even gotten worse — in his Song of Christian video, his voice sounds almost entirely normal, except for the occasional times where he recalls Conker of Conker's Bad Fur Day.
See also
Sauce
- ↑ http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Mailbag_2
- ↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fecal_incontinence#Constipation
- ↑ http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Private_villa_of_corrupted_citizens#I_DO.21
- ↑ http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Sonichu#C.W.C._Gets_A_Big_Power.21
- ↑ Sonichu 7, page 24
| Chris and... |
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