Difference between revisions of "For My Sweetest Ivy"

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{{quote| Thank you for giving me another colorful character to see in my nightmares.|'Lauren', WBCN listener and resident of Bostonia.}}
{{quote| Thank you for giving me another colorful character to see in my nightmares.|'Lauren', WBCN listener and resident of Bostonia.}}


On 1 [[May 2009]], Chris sends a message to [[Ivy]] promising smoothies, ''Gilligan's Island'', ''[[Family Guy]]'', masses of porn-based [[sex]], ''[[Guitar Hero]]'', a romantic walk through the [[Fashion Square Mall|mall]] and many places with "green and sunlight" for the [[Crass and Champ|hermit crabs]]. On May 12th, this video was discussed on [http://www.wbcn.com/topic/play_window.php?audioType=Episode&audioId=3705145  the morning show of Boston radio station WBCN]. During the radio show, several normal, unenlightened people discuss how much of a creepy fuck Chris is. Notice that no matter how much the [[DJ Jamsta|DJ]] tries to warp Chris's voice, the original is still the most disturbing.
'''For My Sweetest Ivy''' is a [[YouTube]] video uploaded by [[Chris]] on 1 [[May 2009]]. It is an ''extremely creepy'' message to [[Ivy]] promising smoothies, ''Gilligan's Island'', ''[[Family Guy]]'', masses of porn-based [[sex]], ''[[Guitar Hero]]'', and romantic walks through the [[Charlottesville Fashion Square|mall]] and other places with "green and sunlight" for her pet [[Crass and Champ|hermit crabs]]. Throughout the video, Chris speaks in an uncomfortably childish tone that was probably intended by him to be "cute" and "playful".


Chris, for whatever reason, has elected to wear an actual suit for this video.  The orange shirt he is wearing suggests this is the outfit he had in mind drawing himself at his [[CWC's "It's All Coming Back To Me"|wedding]] and [[Giant Penis Comic|honeymoon]].  Whether it's the slimming effect of black or the fact that he's in clothing other human beings might ever consider wearing, Chris actually looks presentable, at least by [[Chris and fashion|usual standards]]. Unfortunately, he then ruins the effect by speaking.
On 12 May, this video was discussed on [[Toucher and Rich Segment|Toucher and Rich]].


==Video==
==Video==
 
{{Infobox/video
<center>{{#ev:youtube|nBUzZowEt1E}}</center>
| name          = For My Sweetest Ivy
| ytid          = 8yzM9vZ0tGw
| stardate      = 1 [[May 2009]]
| subject        = {{Sex|text}}
| style          = {{Crazy|[[Toucher and Rich Segment|Welcoming You to the David Lynch Movie of Your Nightmares]]}}
| saga          = {{Ivy|text}}
| shirt          = {{RedShirt2|text}}
| previous      = [[ShutUpBrain and WakeUpBrain]]
| next          = [[CWC Address to Unilever About AXE]]
}}
{{quote|Oh, we are gonna have so much '''fun together''' when you and I are together! Hmmm! You know, '''''my mommy and I...'''''|Anybody (especially a male) over the age of 5 who calls their mother "mommy" is a very scary individual. (As it turned out, '''[[Affair with Mother|we had no idea how bad it was going to get]]'''.)}}


===Transcript===
===Transcript===
[''in a disconcertingly babyish voice''] Hey, Ivy! I'm doing this video for yoooou! Oh, we are gonna have so much ''fun together'' when you and I are together! Hmmm! You know, my [[Barbara Chandler|mommy]] and I, my, my family and I will come and meet you at the airport. And you know, your choice so, take you to your hotel or, uh, bring you back to...my house, hmmm. I mean, uh, you know, we'd be hanging around so much and sharing so many [[Chris and English|fondful]] memories.


Hey [[Ivy]]!  I'm doing this video for yoooou. Oh, we are gonna have so much ''fun together'' when you and I are together!  Hmmm!  You know, '''my [[Barbara Chandler|mommy]] and''' I--my, my family and I will come and meet you at the airport. And you know, your choice so--take you to your hotel or, uh, bring you back to...my house, hmmm. I mean, uh, you know, we'd be hanging around so much and sharing so many fondful memories.
Hmm. And you know, I few, I know a few good places in [[Charlottesville, VA|Charlottesville]], you know, I think it's, you know, I'll take you there, we'll get some [[McDonald's|good things to eeeeeat]], and we’ll hang ooouut. We’ll have so much fun. We’ll, uh, [[Rape|have a good time together]], you know. I know a place that serves some great smoothies. Uh, yeah, the cafe, in Charlottesville. Good place. Serves good smoothies! And you know, we can enjoy a movie in the theater, or in, at home, or watch a television rerun. ''[[Family Guy]]''! Heh. ''Family Guy''! Or, uh, [[I Love Lucy]] or I got some, I got the entire series of ''Gilligan's Island'', hmmm. Hoo-hoo! Hmm, and we can make some music together on ''[[Guitar Hero]]''. Hmmm. Well, you can sing, I got a microphone. I'm thinking about getting drums. [''Makes a drum sound'']
 
Hmm. And you know, I few--I know a few good places in [[Charlottesville]], you know, I think it's, you know, I'll take you there, we'll get some good things to eeeeeat, and we’ll hang ooouut. We’ll have so much fun. We’ll, uh, have a good time together, you know. I know a place that serves some great smoothies. Uh, yeah, the cafe, in Charlottesville. Good place. Serves good smoothies! And you know, we can enjoy a movie in the theater, or in--at home, or watch a television rerun. ''[[Family Guy]]''! Heh. ''Family Guy''! Or, uh, [[I Love Lucy]] or I got some—I got the entire series of ''Gilligan's Island'', hmmm. Hoo-hoo! Hmm, and we can make some music together on ''[[Guitar Hero]]''. Hmmm. Well, you can sing, I got a microphone. I'm thinking about getting drums. [''Makes a drum sound'']
 
Hmmm, yeah. And you know, I will see you in the--I look forward to the eventuality of, uh, you and me having our sex time together. Hmmm, I'll do you so many--I'll—-I’ll do my best to pleasure you and keep you satisfied, my sweetest Ivy, just for you.  ''Just for you!''  Hmmm! I know a number of good positions and massages, hmm.  Hmmm. And, you know, I know a number, uh, places we could walk around at, you know.  We could walk about the mall!  We could walk about the [[University of Virginia|UVA]] grounds!  Good places where there's plenty of green and sunlight.


Hmm, and wa--we can walk the [[Crass and Champ|hermit crabs]] together, hmm, talkin’ about—somethin’ like, how you might like to--how you might walk your hermit crabs, hmmmm. Hmmmm, so, you know, wonderful memories!  Wonderful memories!  We're gonna have lots of fun. We’re gon--I'll do my best--I'll do my best to keep you entertained, show you a good time, when we're having a good time.  And I promise, I’ll remain your good boy forever and for always.  And to get, uh, my friends up I've been talking to uh, between on the Internet, and in real life--my real friends, they can vouch for me on, uh, how good a boy I have been. Being a good boy just for you, Ivy. I love you so much, I love you so muuuuch! [''Pretends to hug her''] Hmmmm. Hmmm, look at me smile, hmm. It's a nice smile. Because I love you, Ivy!  I love you so much. I ran out of details. [''Laughs'']   I don't know.  I guess I'll sing you a song.  
Hmmm, yeah. And you know, I will see you in the, I look forward to the eventuality of, uh, you and me having our sex time together. Hmmm, I'll do you so many, I'll, I’ll do my best to pleasure you and keep you satisfied, my sweetest Ivy, just for you. ''Just for you!'' Hmmm! I know a number of good positions and massages, hmm. Hmmm. And, you know, I know a number, uh, places we could walk around at, you know. We could walk about the mall! We could walk about the [[University of Virginia|UVA]] grounds! Good places where there's plenty of green and sunlight.  


Hmm, and wa-, we can walk the [[Crass and Champ|hermit crabs]] together, hmm, talkin’ about, somethin’ like, how you might like to, how you might [[Chris and reality|walk your hermit crabs]], hmmmm. Hmmmm, so, you know, wonderful memories! Wonderful memories! We're gonna have lots of fun. We’re gon-, I'll do my best, I'll do my best to keep you entertained, show you a good time, when we're having a good time.  And I promise, I’ll remain your good boy forever and for always. And to get, uh, my friends up I've been talking to uh, between on the Internet, and in real life, my real friends, they can vouch for me on, uh, how good a boy I have been. Being a good boy just for you, Ivy. I love you so much, I love you so muuuuch! [''Pretends to hug her''] Hmmmm. Hmmm, look at me smile, hmm. It's a nice smile. Because I love you, Ivy! I love you so much. I ran out of details. [''Laughs''] I don't know. I guess I'll sing you a song.
[''Sings a variation of [[Wikipedia:Jolly Holiday|"Jolly Holiday"]] from ''[[Mary Poppins]]'', attempting to imitate Dick Van Dyke's cockney accent'']  
[''Sings a variation of [[Wikipedia:Jolly Holiday|"Jolly Holiday"]] from ''[[Mary Poppins]]'', attempting to imitate Dick Van Dyke's cockney accent'']  


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No wonder that it's Ivy that I love. <br>
No wonder that it's Ivy that I love. <br>


You know something else, I should have uh, thought of--of doing this before, you know, to feel more positive, highlight for anybody who, uh, goes back on information. I should recreate, uh, something for [[MySpace]] or [[Facebook]] with all the positive highlights and all the true details that would not, uh, be, uh, somehow twisted in any erroneous way. I'll work on that. I will work on that. Because it's [[lie|the honest truth from my head]]. From my head. I love you so much Ivy. I love you! I love youuu. [''Blows a kiss to the camera''] Talk to you later, [[sweetheart]].  
You know something else, [[Chris and His Ego|I should have]] uh, thought of, of doing this before, you know, to feel more positive, highlight for anybody who, uh, goes back on information. I should recreate, uh, something for [[MySpace]] or [[Facebook]] with all the positive highlights and all the true details that would not, uh, be, uh, somehow twisted in any erroneous way. I'll work on that. I will work on that. Because it's the honest truth from my head. From my head. I love you so much Ivy. I love you! I love youuu. [''Blows a kiss to the camera''] Talk to you later, [[sweetheart]].  


[''Jump cut'']
[''Jump cut'']
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And also to your [[Keino|father]] the [[jerkops|policeman]], I salute him with my [[Wikipedia:Scout_sign_and_salute#Cub_Scouts.27_two-finger_salute|Cub Scout salute]] that I have favored for so long.
And also to your [[Keino|father]] the [[jerkops|policeman]], I salute him with my [[Wikipedia:Scout_sign_and_salute#Cub_Scouts.27_two-finger_salute|Cub Scout salute]] that I have favored for so long.


===Evaluation===
{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[ShutUpBrain and WakeUpBrain]]|nextlink=[[CWC Address to Unilever About AXE]]|}}
 
This video might well be the creepiest thing that Christian has ever done. Anyone who has more than five minutes acquaintance with him knows how bad that is. The unnatural (even for Chris) high-pitched whine, the bizarre, spastic movements and interjections, references to "sex time" all combine to make this some of the most horrible shit you're ever likely to see outside of a nightmare.
 
Chris is presumably quite nervous during this video, as that would account for the bizarre quality of his voice and the fact that he has a script he has to hand. Even so, there's a whole load of interjections while he stops to think of what to say next. Chris clearly intended this to be some kind of performance for Ivy's sake, though what he was hoping to achieve having already been granted access to her [[china]] is anyone's guess.
 
{{Sweetheart Videos}}
{{Sweetheart Videos}}
{{Music Videos}}


[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]
[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]
[[Category:Media that has been published in real life]]
[[Category:Chris-chan videos, May 2009| 2009-05-01]]
[[Category:Ivy Saga videos| 2009-05-01]]

Latest revision as of 05:55, 8 January 2022

“ Thank you for giving me another colorful character to see in my nightmares. ”
'Lauren', WBCN listener and resident of Bostonia.

For My Sweetest Ivy is a YouTube video uploaded by Chris on 1 May 2009. It is an extremely creepy message to Ivy promising smoothies, Gilligan's Island, Family Guy, masses of porn-based sex, Guitar Hero, and romantic walks through the mall and other places with "green and sunlight" for her pet hermit crabs. Throughout the video, Chris speaks in an uncomfortably childish tone that was probably intended by him to be "cute" and "playful".

On 12 May, this video was discussed on Toucher and Rich.

Video

For My Sweetest Ivy
Click to load content
Direct link Youtube, archive
Stardate 1 May 2009
Subject Matter SexSex Sex
Performance Style CrazyCrazy Welcoming You to the David Lynch Movie of Your Nightmares
Saga IvyIvy Ivy
Shirt Red StuttgartRedshirt2.png Red Stuttgart
OFFICIAL and HONEST CWC Videos
previous
ShutUpBrain and WakeUpBrain 		next
CWC Address to Unilever About AXE
“ Oh, we are gonna have so much fun together when you and I are together! Hmmm! You know, my mommy and I... ”
Anybody (especially a male) over the age of 5 who calls their mother "mommy" is a very scary individual. (As it turned out, we had no idea how bad it was going to get.)

Transcript

[in a disconcertingly babyish voice] Hey, Ivy! I'm doing this video for yoooou! Oh, we are gonna have so much fun together when you and I are together! Hmmm! You know, my mommy and I, my, my family and I will come and meet you at the airport. And you know, your choice so, take you to your hotel or, uh, bring you back to...my house, hmmm. I mean, uh, you know, we'd be hanging around so much and sharing so many fondful memories.

Hmm. And you know, I few, I know a few good places in Charlottesville, you know, I think it's, you know, I'll take you there, we'll get some good things to eeeeeat, and we’ll hang ooouut. We’ll have so much fun. We’ll, uh, have a good time together, you know. I know a place that serves some great smoothies. Uh, yeah, the cafe, in Charlottesville. Good place. Serves good smoothies! And you know, we can enjoy a movie in the theater, or in, at home, or watch a television rerun. Family Guy! Heh. Family Guy! Or, uh, I Love Lucy or I got some, I got the entire series of Gilligan's Island, hmmm. Hoo-hoo! Hmm, and we can make some music together on Guitar Hero. Hmmm. Well, you can sing, I got a microphone. I'm thinking about getting drums. [Makes a drum sound]

Hmmm, yeah. And you know, I will see you in the, I look forward to the eventuality of, uh, you and me having our sex time together. Hmmm, I'll do you so many, I'll, I’ll do my best to pleasure you and keep you satisfied, my sweetest Ivy, just for you. Just for you! Hmmm! I know a number of good positions and massages, hmm. Hmmm. And, you know, I know a number, uh, places we could walk around at, you know. We could walk about the mall! We could walk about the UVA grounds! Good places where there's plenty of green and sunlight.

Hmm, and wa-, we can walk the hermit crabs together, hmm, talkin’ about, somethin’ like, how you might like to, how you might walk your hermit crabs, hmmmm. Hmmmm, so, you know, wonderful memories! Wonderful memories! We're gonna have lots of fun. We’re gon-, I'll do my best, I'll do my best to keep you entertained, show you a good time, when we're having a good time. And I promise, I’ll remain your good boy forever and for always. And to get, uh, my friends up I've been talking to uh, between on the Internet, and in real life, my real friends, they can vouch for me on, uh, how good a boy I have been. Being a good boy just for you, Ivy. I love you so much, I love you so muuuuch! [Pretends to hug her] Hmmmm. Hmmm, look at me smile, hmm. It's a nice smile. Because I love you, Ivy! I love you so much. I ran out of details. [Laughs] I don't know. I guess I'll sing you a song. [Sings a variation of "Jolly Holiday" from Mary Poppins, attempting to imitate Dick Van Dyke's cockney accent]

It's a jolly ‘oliday
With Ivy
Ivy makes my heart so light
When the skies are grey
And ordinary
Ivy makes the sun shine bright.
Oh, happiness is blooming
All around ‘er
The daffodils are smiling
At the doves
When Ivy holds my hand
I feel so grand
My 'eart starts beating
Like a big brass band!

[Mimes waving his hat over his head as he sinks to the floor, with his Playstation controller as the hat]

It's a jolly holiday with Ivy
No wonder that it's Ivy that I love.

You know something else, I should have uh, thought of, of doing this before, you know, to feel more positive, highlight for anybody who, uh, goes back on information. I should recreate, uh, something for MySpace or Facebook with all the positive highlights and all the true details that would not, uh, be, uh, somehow twisted in any erroneous way. I'll work on that. I will work on that. Because it's the honest truth from my head. From my head. I love you so much Ivy. I love you! I love youuu. [Blows a kiss to the camera] Talk to you later, sweetheart.

[Jump cut]

And also to your father the policeman, I salute him with my Cub Scout salute that I have favored for so long.

⇐ ShutUpBrain and WakeUpBrain Chris's videos CWC Address to Unilever About AXE ⇒

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Chris's videos for gal pals and sweethearts
Emily
Ivy, Crass and Champ
Kacey
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Julie
Others

v • d • e  
Chris's music videos
1990s
2000s
"So Need a Cute Girl" / "All I Want for Christmas is a Pretty Girlfriend" • "Master Onion a la Mode" • Filmation's Ghostbusters Theme • "Never Gonna Give You Up" • "Heartbreaker" • "Holding Out for a Hero" • "Lovin' You" • "Jolly Holiday (I)" • "Jolly Holiday (II)" • "Single and Lonely" • "Fart Song" • "Bunny Hop" • "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" • "I Got a Fish" • "I Love the Nightlife" • "So Need A Cute Girl (II) (Live)" • "Don't Trust Any Homos Over There" • "OK2BGAY" • "OK2BGay (II)" • "Dare" • "Boyfriend" (I) • "More Than a Feeling" • "Sonic Boom" • "Don't Say You Love Me" • "Autumn Goodbye" • "The Touch" • "Smell Yo Dick" • KCWC Top 10 • "So Need a Cute Girl (III)" • "Respect" • "Old Time Rock and Roll" • Aerosmith medley • "A Whole New World" • "iPods Down and Listen Up" • "Juggalo Family"
2010s
2020s
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